- Dec 30, 2004
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I'm not really sure where to start. I've had this bottled up for a very long time. I grew up in a home that was probably mildly abusive. I don't want to say that people haven't had it worse, because I know that they have. That said I kinda feel the need to talk it out. Put it out there so maybe I can start to heal. I can't tell people in my real life. I'm just not ready for that. I grew up in fear with my parents. My mom tended to be very manipulative emotionally, and I would do what she wanted because I didn't want to deal with the water works and guilt trips that would result if I didn't comply. Then there was my father. If my mom still didn't get her way, things would escalate. If my dad found out about something that was kinda the end all. He has a horrible temper. He throws things when he's angry. So though he's never actually hit me , or thrown things at me, I know he has at my sister. My sister did call the cops on him at one point because she felt that he was inappropriate in the way he touched us. I agreed, but of course I couldn't say anything for fear of his temper. He would always hug us in a way that made sure he could feel certain anatomy very well, and for some reason he felt the need to tickle us on our inner thighs, awful close to anatomy your father shouldn't come near. Me and my sister made it clear that we were uncomfortable with it, but that would just result in him getting mad and us hiding in our rooms.
I honestly think that to an extent, that relationship with my father has been part of why I hung around in other unhealthy relationships as often as I have. I really want to break that cycle but I don't know how. A few years ago I was in a relationship where I was physically, mentally and sexually abused. I have never really told anyone the full extent of it. He used to slap me, he would touch me place I didn't want to be touched, and even when I asked him to stop, he would do it again not that long later. He would tell me that I had no self confidence, etc. I love how people always say that you should just leave in those situations. To me it sounds like someone who has never dealt with it. They don't seem to understand that its mind games, that sometimes you can't break free that easily... I finally realized what was happening, and I ended it. But at that point I was angry at God for letting it happen, for not opening my eyes sooner, and honestly, the way that the relationship between me and God had been shown to me growing up looked a lot like that relationship. I was nothing without God, I had to do whatever He wanted or I was a bad person. I lived in fear of being punished. I felt like I couldn't live up to all the expectations placed on me by God, so I ran away. I didn't see God as a loving, and merciful father anymore. I saw a judgemental figure who didn't see me as worth his time unless I could live up to the 5 million and 1 expectations placed on me, and I knew I couldn't. I figured I was to damaged for any christian guy to ever want me, so I took what I could get. 2 years later another guy came into my life. He made it pretty clear to me that he liked me a lot, and wanted to be with me, but that he wouldn't be in a relationship without sex. So I gave in, I was desperate to be wanted and loved, even if it wasn't the real version. He would put me down verbally frequently, I wasn't pretty enough, I didn't wear the right clothes, i often felt I couldn't do anything right. Then I caught him sending sexual messages to my coworker and he wouldn't commit to not doing it again, and so I left. That's when I really saw what he was doing. So now I am trying to make a journey back to God. One where I can see him for the loving, and forgiving God he is instead of the judgmental one that caused me to feel the need to run. With the hurt I've dealt with, I need someone who is going to be there, who isn't going to hurt me. Some days I'm terrified that I'm going to fall into the same rift where i was scared of God and what He would do instead of trusting him. Now I'm learning to trust Him again and hope he can help me choose healthy relationships with Him, friends, family and a potential future spouse, though I still seriously doubt anyone would take me at this point. Thanks for those who actually took the time to read this whole thing. I know it's a lot of rambling, but it was stuff I needed to stay, that I needed to get off my chest after years...
I honestly think that to an extent, that relationship with my father has been part of why I hung around in other unhealthy relationships as often as I have. I really want to break that cycle but I don't know how. A few years ago I was in a relationship where I was physically, mentally and sexually abused. I have never really told anyone the full extent of it. He used to slap me, he would touch me place I didn't want to be touched, and even when I asked him to stop, he would do it again not that long later. He would tell me that I had no self confidence, etc. I love how people always say that you should just leave in those situations. To me it sounds like someone who has never dealt with it. They don't seem to understand that its mind games, that sometimes you can't break free that easily... I finally realized what was happening, and I ended it. But at that point I was angry at God for letting it happen, for not opening my eyes sooner, and honestly, the way that the relationship between me and God had been shown to me growing up looked a lot like that relationship. I was nothing without God, I had to do whatever He wanted or I was a bad person. I lived in fear of being punished. I felt like I couldn't live up to all the expectations placed on me by God, so I ran away. I didn't see God as a loving, and merciful father anymore. I saw a judgemental figure who didn't see me as worth his time unless I could live up to the 5 million and 1 expectations placed on me, and I knew I couldn't. I figured I was to damaged for any christian guy to ever want me, so I took what I could get. 2 years later another guy came into my life. He made it pretty clear to me that he liked me a lot, and wanted to be with me, but that he wouldn't be in a relationship without sex. So I gave in, I was desperate to be wanted and loved, even if it wasn't the real version. He would put me down verbally frequently, I wasn't pretty enough, I didn't wear the right clothes, i often felt I couldn't do anything right. Then I caught him sending sexual messages to my coworker and he wouldn't commit to not doing it again, and so I left. That's when I really saw what he was doing. So now I am trying to make a journey back to God. One where I can see him for the loving, and forgiving God he is instead of the judgmental one that caused me to feel the need to run. With the hurt I've dealt with, I need someone who is going to be there, who isn't going to hurt me. Some days I'm terrified that I'm going to fall into the same rift where i was scared of God and what He would do instead of trusting him. Now I'm learning to trust Him again and hope he can help me choose healthy relationships with Him, friends, family and a potential future spouse, though I still seriously doubt anyone would take me at this point. Thanks for those who actually took the time to read this whole thing. I know it's a lot of rambling, but it was stuff I needed to stay, that I needed to get off my chest after years...
) I can tell you no matter how much you yell and scream, he is NOT going anywhere! In fact, if you quiet down a bit, you might just feel his arms getting tighter around you!
