Bedroom problems

[lovinjesus44]

Hello all,

This is embarrassing for me to post, but any advice is appreciated. My husband and I have been married for 2 1/2 years. He used to pleasure himself if you know what I mean w/out being too graphic. We have discussed it and how our sex life suffers from this. It is still suffering and I don't know how to change things. We are both tired a lot and I struggle to get in the mood. It seems like a chore rather than a pleasure.

 

[Jenna]

Making time and energy for making love has to be a priority. If it means cutting back on some of the not-so-neccessary tasks during a day, then it is worth it. There are ways of cutting back that will allow you to regain some energy and leave you a bit more enthusiastic about making love. It might even be a good idea to look into your diet and to make better changes in food choices. The better you feed your bod, the better it will perform for you.

Yes, if masturbation is causing problems within your marriage, then it needs to stop. For that, you most likely need to find the root problem. Is it that he has a higher sex drive than you do? Is it habitual? Is it connected to porn? These are things to take into consideration when dealing with masturbation.

 

[Busybee]

It seems like a chore rather than a pleasure.

I've been there, but with sex I learned that it's like a habit. The more regularly you engage in it, the easier and more enjoyable it is. If you get out of the habit, then you won't want it and it will seem like a chore. I also agree with Jenna. You have to make time for it. I'm sure your hubby won't mind if the house isn't in tip top condition if he realizes you were saving that day's energy ESPECIALLY for him.

Take a few moments throughout the day just to look at and admire your husband's qualities that turn you on. Also, don't forget to flirt a bit with him (sexy glances, playful touches when no one else is looking). It's easy to be so busy that you don't even realize you're not even looking at your spouse.

For instance, I'd never really paid any attention, but my hubby has this song that's not even a romantic one that he sings everytime it comes on the radio and one night I heard him singing it and BAM .

Just remember that those same qualities that physically attracted you to your dh when you were first married are still there, but often overlooked.

 

[jazzbird]

Yes, if masturbation is causing problems within your marriage, then it needs to stop. For that, you most likely need to find the root problem. Is it that he has a higher sex drive than you do? Is it habitual? Is it connected to porn? These are things to take into consideration when dealing with masturbation.

I think this is essential. You have to know why he's doing it - and I think you also need to understand why it is upsetting to you.

If it is merely that he has a higher drive, I see two viable solutions:

1. You work toward making sex more of a priority in your marriage. Find out how often he would like to have sex, and try to make the time and reserve the energy to make it happen.

2. If your drives are just too different and you don't feel that you can have sex as frequently as he desires, I personally don't see what the problem would be with allowing him to touch after he asks for sex and you say no. Or, better yet, perhaps you could do it for him and that way there is the intimacy without putting such a strain on you when you are too tired.

However, if he is doing this because of porn or sex addiction, then I think it is important for both of you to seek counseling on this issue so you can work through it.

 

[InTheFlame]

How's the rest of your relationship going? It sounds as though maybe there isn't much 'together time' where you can just catch up with each other, talk about any problems that've come up, tell each other what the other has done well, etc? Have you read Five Love Languages? It might be worth a read...

 

[lovinjesus44]

My husband has had problems with porn in the past and if it's only in the past-I can't really say. I caught him when we were first married and explained how much it hurt me and he said he would try to stop over and over and never did; then recently he has grown closer to God and I think He convicted him of this and he has stopped. There has been no evidence that he has been doing it in awhile. Or he might be better at hiding his tracks, I don't know. I got sick of playing detective and asked God for help. As far as the touching yourself, I honestly think he does it daily and he is satisfied. I am usually the one asking for sex and being rejected. Rarely is it the other way around. I tell him how much it hurts me when he says no and he says he's just tired. I chart my montly cycle and most months we have sex 1 or 2 times, maybe 3. I bring up how our marriage is suffering from this and he gets upset, he thinks our marriage is "perfect" until I always bring this up. I try to tell him that my self-esteem really suffers from the rejection and he just gets angry. One night I caught him doing it right next to me in bed! He thought I was sleeping. I asked him about it and he denied it over an over and actually blamed me for it! He said I dreamt it. Also, to answer the question about flirting or encouragement; I really do try both. I tell him he looks really nice almost every day and I tell him how proud I am of him with his accomplishments and thank him if he helps out with something. I feel selfish for even complaining about my needs, but I just can't understand why our needs are not the same.

 

[Jenna]

First, I think that he feels shame for the masturbation, which is why he's trying to put it off on you or saying that you 'dreamt' it. He's like the little kid who got caught with their hand in the cookie jar, but still points to their friend standing next to them. He knows he's "caught".

It sounds like this is either connected to porn, based on what you said, or he is just lazy. Men can get real good at hiding their porn if they think that they are being watched. If he feels put on the spot and shamed for the porn, he'll make more of an effort to hide it. So, you may think that you're doing well, until that one time that he slips up.

On the other hand, he could honestly just be lazy. When a person masturbates a lot, they get used to the instant gratification of pleasuring themselves. No one knows how to please him better than himself. It might be easier for him to do it himself than to expend the energy to turn to you. It doesn't sound pretty, but it does happen. This I know. Oh, and I also know about the avoidance issue. Yes, everything is perfect for someone who doesn't want to have to deal with problems and admit to themselves and their spouse that what they are doing is hurting the relationship. To avoid it, they can stay the way they are. To recognize the problem means that they are expected to change, and change is hard. He knows. He just pretends that he doesn't.

Here's something that I would suggest you do, just to test the waters. The next time he seems interested in masturbating, take the opportunity to include yourself through something like oral sex or being on top, where he just gets to relax and enjoy himself. If he starts to seem more receptive to you when he doesn't have to be very active, then it might just be that he's feeling lazy and doesn't want to exert himself. This would be very convenient to know, as a way of planning the proper steps to pulling him out of his selfishness.

You mentioned that he is pulling closer to the Lord. Is he at a place yet where you can leave Scripture passage for him, and he'll actually absorb them and take them to heart?

 

[lovinjesus44]

Thank you for the advice. I'm not sure about leaving Scripture passages for him, but it's worth a try! I'm afraid it will only upset him more. I don't understand why he can't open up to me about this. He acts like it doesn't exist and it's this big fat elephant in the room. I have told him so many times that I would not turn my back on him and I would help him through anything, but I guess he doesn't believe or trust that. I have begun to look at men with a lustful heart and I know I am sinning. I have asked the Lord to take this from me and to see all men as His children and my brothers, not as objects of lust. I would not act on this (Lord help me) and I don't think I even flirt with men, but the lust is there and I need to get rid of it.

 

[HisWinterRose]

I found a wonderful new site today ... http://www/themarriagebed.com and it's a wonderful forum ... there are some good topics too. So, check out the site and I am one there too just look for TBEAR so if you see me just drop me a PM and I can be there for you too. But, most of all I will be praying for you so ... take care of yourself & things will get better in time.

Hugs TBEAR