becoming frustrated with myself

[looking4joy]

I am a Christian with a porn addiction. In my younger days, before the addiction, I seemed to equate any sex as a bad thing, although I was a hypocrite to myself because I masturbated about every night. I felt guilty for it too. When I was 18, I had drifted from home and was seduced by a lady friend into something I wasn't prepared for - sex. I enjoyed it, but I felt awful guilty about it the next day.

I told her I couldn't continue with her, but I ended up sticking around for about a year, because I'm a coward at everything I do. After I broke up with her because I was overridden with guilt, I sought the Lord for the first time in my life. I didn't even believe in Him yet. All I knew was what church had told me about Him, that he is angry with me because I'm a sinner.

Immediately the stress of everything in life triggered a bipolar mania/depression and I was having severe manic delusions. I felt like God was condemning me the whole time, (even though I know now he wasn't).

It was then I experimented with porn to soothe my pains, worries, manic and depressive anxieties, and partially because manic hypersexuality is common among people with bipolar.

I eventually met a Christian girl, who had a load of baggage just like me. We love each other, but we're having sex because we're both messed up individuals. We have tried to get married but can't afford my health costs with our combined income.

So here I am with a porn addiction, a girl I love dearly but still give in to the strong desire of porn. And we're stuck in the health care system with high medical needs for me, and we both are just barely growing in God, probably due to our sins of the flesh.
I need encouragement that God's not an angry God to a believer. That way I can believe he loves me, and my heart and life can be changed.

 

[Purge187]

You're not having sex because you're messed up; you're having sex because you're human and it's a natural desire.

I'd ask God to grant the both of you more self-control from this point on so that you can postpone intimacy until the day the two of you get married, if it comes to that.

 

[looking4joy]

Thanks for your good advice.

 

[Johnnz]

Remain sexually faithful to each other and address each issue one at a time. There are probably more pressing issues, porn being one, that should be looked at first. Our Christian life is a journey, not a one step arrival. And first things first is a useful guide.

John
NZ

 

[KevinesKay]

Hey looking4joy,

Nice to hear from you. I can so relate to what you are sharing. I truly emphasize with you pain.

I've done everything you have and more. And I think that you'll agree with me that s*xual will not provide permanent fulfillment. Please don't give in to the lies from the enemy that you cannot marry your girlfriend, or fornication is okay, or that you cannot be free from this. Don't give up on yourself. My opinion is that you were right to act on your own moral beliefs and to do your best to stay away from s*xual sin. And you desire any help that can be offered from CF to help you to overcome.

Over the many years of relapsing back into my P addiction, I can honestly say that I never truly found s*xual fulfillment. Only when, through the grace of God, I found the power to completely surrender my privilege to have s*x over to God, did my life take on a new meaning. God doesn't want us to be enslaved by our own s*xual desires.

Well, I actually got to go now. I have a timer on my computer to keep me from spending too much time on the internet, and I'm done to 2 minutes.

I'll keep in touch. God bless you.