BDSM *warning may be a trigger*

[Angel0310]

Is there any advice threads or any help for people that are stuck in BDSM fantasys? I almost met someone once for this type of interaction. I cannot believe now I was even considering such a thing.

It has always been a fantasy of mine and when I was actually using chatrooms inappropriatly it seems they were the kind of people I sought after. I tried to get husband into this but other than a playful spanking he is totally not into any of that.

This was the only type chat I sought.

I grew up in a home of physical and enotional abuse from my Dad. Is this why this urge is so strong? How do I stop the thoughts?

Angel <with a broken wing>

 

[AnointedPoetess]

What is BDSM?

 

[ILikePeanutbutter]

What is BDSM?

Its a combined acronym for 3 things: Bondage and Discipline, Domination and Submission, and Sado-Masochism.

What people usually think its about is leather whips and being tied up or something like that.... In reality theres a lot more to it, but thats the gist of it.

To the original poster: To your first question, there is evidence that fetishes can arise from childhood expirences. There's no way of knowing for sure but its possible your childhood could be a factor.

To your second question, there is no easy answer.

These are just my thoughts on the subject, so dont take my words to the bank.

Im pretty sure that any type of abnormal sexual desire is called a paraphilia. This is a problem with the mind. Basic psychology will tell you that every time you indulge in your BDSM fantasies, you are reinforcing those thoughts, and are making the connection between that fantasy and pleasure stronger. That means your brain has been wired to think a certain way, and to solve the problem you need to "un-wire" it. I dont know of any easy way to do it, aside from getting help. You can get behavior therapy to help yourself get rid of the desires.

Now, from one Christian to another: I urge you to stop somehow. Fetishes take away from God's gift of sex. He wants us sex to be an activity focused on the relationship and the love between the man and woman. BDSM takes that focus away and puts it on something else. Ive been in a battle with my own desires for a long, long time and let me tell you: its hard. But unlike you, I dont have a spouse to help me pull through it all. Bring your husband along for the ride. Make him an active part of your struggle. Its alot harder to do it by yourself.

Also, pray about it. A lot. Tell God everything.

I wish I could give you some real advice, but I cant. If I knew a quick, easy way to stop sexual deviancy, I'd be filthy rich. But no one knows a good way stop thoughts like these... and its because controlling your sexuality is about controlling your behavior: how your mind works. Changing that requires either hard work, or prayer.

I say try both.

 

[Akathist]

Mod Hat

Just a clear reminder. Recovery is about wanting to have help to get out of some temptation, to have help with some trial or to change one's behavior.

It is NOT a place to discuss or debate about what is or is not a sin. Those discussions need to go to Ethics and Morality (Open area) or Christian Philosophy and Ethics (Christian Only Area.)

Mod Hat off​

 

[Angel0310]

Attention Moderator please please keep this post in this forumn. I am honestly trying to figure out why I seek this and why it seems sexually stimulating for me at least in fantasy. I guess because hubby will only go but so far with this it is always in the back of my head if i tried this with someone would it make me happy. Deep down i think i really know the answer to that. Sexuality sure gets complicated. I sure wish I could erase a lot of this from my brain but unfortuantly its no such way to do so. is there no one here who has been involved in this type of thing or still is) or knows someone who changed?

 

[Angel0310]

I don't think my 1st post went through. I still get confused on what forums have delayed postings.Moderators please don't remove this post from the forumns. I am trying to seek recovery and this is a very controversial area i know. Does anyone know someone who got out of this, or hasn't anyone here been through this? Anyone? What did you do? These fantasys stay in my brain because i cannot get hubby to go but so far with them. he is afraid of hurting me. Why do i want to be hurt? It's like if i could try this once with a real Master I feel i could have my question answered but of course that is sin. I wish I had not put so much garbage in my head.

I just want to be right with God and enjoy my sex life too. Can that even be done?

 

[habeas]

I don't think my 1st post went through. I still get confused on what forums have delayed postings.Moderators please don't remove this post from the forumns. I am trying to seek recovery and this is a very controversial area i know. Does anyone know someone who got out of this, or hasn't anyone here been through this? Anyone? What did you do? These fantasys stay in my brain because i cannot get hubby to go but so far with them. he is afraid of hurting me. Why do i want to be hurt? It's like if i could try this once with a real Master I feel i could have my question answered but of course that is sin. I wish I had not put so much garbage in my head.

I just want to be right with God and enjoy my sex life too. Can that even be done?

WE need to hunger and thirst for righteousness, for wide is the gate and broad is the way to destruction. You could pray and if necessary fast for deliverance. Sacrifice your own fleshly wicked desires and seek the Lord with all your heart. Ask Him to give you the desires of your heart, to make your desires holy, to make your marriage bed undefiled and pure. You are harming your husband by asking him to partake in your fantasies.

With God, nothing is impossible, and He is well able to deliver you. You only need to reach out to God, and press on, repent, and seek him with your whole heart. He will make you clean, free and filled with the spirit of joy. When you are delivered, do not allow these thoughts to linger. Do not allow Satan a foothold and He will not gain a stronghold. Bitterness, lust, or any vice and take root and destroy us if we permit it to do so.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

I don't know much about this else I would have posted something.
Go to the library and look up some articles about it. I'm sure some psychology journals, such as the Journal of Sex and such would have useful information to help you understand. I bet there are books as well, useful ones that is.

All I can think to ask is what was your past like?
And do you/have you had an interest in inappropriate contentography?

 

[Mr.Cheese]

I just noticed you mentioned some abuse from your dad. That could very well be a part of your current sexual issues.

 

[Shane Roach]

I am wih the person who said for you to bring your husband into this, and at the deepest level possible. By "into this", I do not mean bringing him into that lifestyle, I mean bringing him into your struggle with this.

My experience is that women, while many have trouble hearing this, have a desire for a man that makes them feel secure, and some associate this with a certain amount of assertiveness and domination in intimate matters. The problem with BDSM is that a whole community has risen up around it that is really full of unhealthy people whose focus has shifted away from relationship and towards seeking out these sorts of experiences for their own sake.

Ultimately, if you are married, fantasies and ideas that draw you away from your spouse and towards other sexual outlets are a problem. You honestly ought to focus on making sure intimacy with your spouse is deepened. Develop more emotional closeness with that spouse, understand WHY they have a problem with some of the things you want. Work it out between yourselves and don't forget to follow God and be conscious of anything He may have to say on the subject.

Submitting yourself to your husband is a good and Godly thing. "Submitting" in some sort of artificial sense, feeding desires that he can't share and so forth, is not true submission at all, you know?

And yes, I imagine there is something in the sense of your abuse that ties into this. Try to come to terms with those issues as well.

That's my advice, and worth hopefully slightly more than what you paid for it.

 

[Akathist]

Mod Hat On.​

Some of the posts that staff are not approving or questioning approving are giving way too much graphic information. Keep in mind that Christian Forums is a PG-13 website. Nothing should be posted that you would not want your 13 year old relative reading.​

Staff are considering closing the thread if this continues.​

 

[Angel0310]

While thankful for all the input, I think out of all the posts ILikePeanutbutter and Mr Cheese have done more to HELP me than any other.

I don't need to get beat up. I already know this is something that needs to be corrected, otherwise i wouldn't have posted it here that I wanted help, I would have hid it. Many times Christians hide their flaws because to admit otherwise is really putting themself out to the lions.

I am delving into my past to try to heal and allow him access to this. Thank you especially GoldenViolet for your sensitivity.

Angel

 

[Angel0310]

Well the last 10 days I have really been seeking God. I felt last weekend things were starting to ease up some so I could get a perspective.

I have been through a lot. I found my Dads inappropriate content when i was 11. I was physically and emotionally abused as long as I can remember. I had a relative "cross the line" with me that included penetration. I was raised very strict and was a lonely child. I used fantasy, reading and creative writing to step out of my world into a better one. My addiction started with erotic books (like penthouse erotica every kind of act on every page imaginable) at age 13. It later progresed to videos, and then to internet inappropriate content. Eventually it found a niche in cyber chatrooms. There I could be "picked" by someone and made to feel special. My childhood wounds ran deep. The only inappropriate content I chose was humiliating and degrading. Wrong yes, but it was what i identified with. I never felt secure as a child, or understood why my mother never left the man.

So as an adult it is if i was/am *stuck* at age 13. Whenever somethign bad happens in life I would hit the PC to look for junk and "talk" to an older man. It was my coping mechanism. I am frightened of true intimacy because when you shpw the real you to people you get hurt, rejected and trampled on. So i hide. I want it but yet I don't as I fear it.

God is opening doors for me to minister to the sexually broken in the adult industry through my church and another churshes inner city ministry to prostitutes and exotic dancers. It is in the works as i speak. I believe God is allowing this last stronghold to come to the surface so I can finally heal and do what I feel he is calling me to. satan wants to destroy my testimony and my relationship with my family.

The real me is scared of intimacy and of emotionally being rejected. So i go where it is safe. My husband is the only man i h ave ever physically been with. So the "what if"s" had been tormenting me as well.

Ou sex life is a parallel of Christs relationship with the church. Christ never humilated ot degraded or beat His bride. I realize I have developed bad mental coping mechanisms.

During my research this week into clean safe help sites, i read a ladies story. She said everyone starts lightly into thisBDSM area and the stakes keep getting raised as the partners become desenitized. I did not know that. She said it take a higer high and a more debased way of thinking until mormal sex is impossible. Knowing what i know about inappropriate content addiction though it makes sense.

In BDSM a "collar" is a big thing signifying a slaves submission to a master. I decided to purchase a normal piece of jewlery, I purchased a silver metal necklace that is close to the neck and has 3 circles. It is symbolic to me of Christ and to who has really paid the price for me. It helps me.

Am I completely set free? I don't think so but I am feeling progress. i co ntinue to do my work at Celebrate Recovery and am trying to focus on others needs so he can use me to minister to them. My heart is so for these girls that are trapped, and I believe this is the final frontier I need to get past so he can use m e. Please keep me in your prayers as I continue recovery.

Really taking a chance baring my soul here....Stay with me , please....

Angel

 

[covenantwmn]

Its a combined acronym for 3 things: Bondage and Discipline, Domination and Submission, and Sado-Masochism.

What people usually think its about is leather whips and being tied up or something like that.... In reality theres a lot more to it, but thats the gist of it.

To the original poster: To your first question, there is evidence that fetishes can arise from childhood expirences. There's no way of knowing for sure but its possible your childhood could be a factor.

To your second question, there is no easy answer.

These are just my thoughts on the subject, so dont take my words to the bank.

Im pretty sure that any type of abnormal sexual desire is called a paraphilia. This is a problem with the mind. Basic psychology will tell you that every time you indulge in your BDSM fantasies, you are reinforcing those thoughts, and are making the connection between that fantasy and pleasure stronger. That means your brain has been wired to think a certain way, and to solve the problem you need to "un-wire" it. I dont know of any easy way to do it, aside from getting help. You can get behavior therapy to help yourself get rid of the desires.

Now, from one Christian to another: I urge you to stop somehow. Fetishes take away from God's gift of sex. He wants us sex to be an activity focused on the relationship and the love between the man and woman. BDSM takes that focus away and puts it on something else. Ive been in a battle with my own desires for a long, long time and let me tell you: its hard. But unlike you, I dont have a spouse to help me pull through it all. Bring your husband along for the ride. Make him an active part of your struggle. Its alot harder to do it by yourself.

Also, pray about it. A lot. Tell God everything.

I wish I could give you some real advice, but I cant. If I knew a quick, easy way to stop sexual deviancy, I'd be filthy rich. But no one knows a good way stop thoughts like these... and its because controlling your sexuality is about controlling your behavior: how your mind works. Changing that requires either hard work, or prayer.

I say try both.

Good, Godly advice here.

 

[2401 Penitent Tangent]

Keep walking forward Angel, and step away from that life. Use the Lord to cope with your stuggles and turn to him for strength. Although you didn't see much love from your biological father, remember that God is your father also and he loves you more than you can know. When you are feeling tempted to go back to those chatrooms, just stop and flee from the temptation. Go to God, read the Bible pray. Get your mind off the sin and onto God.

Stay away from this, it will only lead you deeper into sin. The pleasure you get its the carrot that the devil is holding in front of your face. Deny him. Also, if you need extra guidance and help there is a website that has helped me a lot, its called Setting Captives Free (www.settingcaptivesfree.com). Keep walking in purity and don't let the devil control you. Walk through next week like a victor in Christ instead of a victim of the Devil.

 

[katautumn]

Angel, I truly feel for you. Your story is heartbreaking. I am a sexual abuse survivor (my ex-husband raped me and did perverted things to me against my consent our entire marriage) and I can relate to that feeling of needing a similar relationship with a loving and caring spouse.

When my husband and I first became intimate, during one of our encounters I asked him to slap me across the face. My request upset him so much that he stopped and asked me why I requested he do such a thing. I told him, "well, I wanted you to hurt me." He said, "honey, I would rather die than hurt you, even if it's during sex or because you wanted me to." For so long I had equated sex with being hurt, degraded and humiliated.

While I don't see anything wrong with two people engaging in BDSM practices, it is the issues that come along with your desire that could become a stumbling block in your marriage. First of all, BDSM is supposed to be consentual. If your husband is not comfortable with it, that is an issue. Also, you have looked to other outside sources to give you that little taste of what the BDSM lifestyle is all about. You said you feel you would be happy if you could just see what it is like. But I can assure you, if you seek that out you will realize that what you really want is for someone to love you and hold you and be tender with you. What you're seeking out is someone/something to validate your residual trauma feelings that sex is something dirty, shameful and humiliating. And I completely understand because I have been there.

I think what really put me back on track was the time I coerced my husband into "talking dirty" to me. And I don't mean just giving me verbal cues and whatnot. I requested that he call me some pretty vile and disgusting names. He begrudgingly did so and we both felt very ashamed and hurt afterward. We both promised one another we would never do that again and it dawned on me that what I had been wanting all along wasn't another man to treat sex in the same heartless and perverted manner my ex had. I just wanted to be made love to. Once I allowed myself to let go of that mental association between sex and humiliation, the temptation to engage in fetish acts even though they went outside my husband's comfort zone diminished.

What's important is that you have a husband who obviously loves you and respects you. I would rather have a man who only makes love to me and refuses to get totally raunchy than have a man who doesn't have the first clue how to make love. The "what ifs" are not worth throwing away your marriage over.

I am very glad that you have made progress and I think it's wonderful you are wanting to take your experiences and use them to help others. I'm sure that you will find this is not only healing for the women, but for yourself as well. I wish you and your husband all the best.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Angel, I truly feel for you. Your story is heartbreaking. I am a sexual abuse survivor (my ex-husband raped me and did perverted things to me against my consent our entire marriage) and I can relate to that feeling of needing a similar relationship with a loving and caring spouse.

When my husband and I first became intimate, during one of our encounters I asked him to slap me across the face. My request upset him so much that he stopped and asked me why I requested he do such a thing. I told him, "well, I wanted you to hurt me." He said, "honey, I would rather die than hurt you, even if it's during sex or because you wanted me to." For so long I had equated sex with being hurt, degraded and humiliated.

While I don't see anything wrong with two people engaging in BDSM practices, it is the issues that come along with your desire that could become a stumbling block in your marriage. First of all, BDSM is supposed to be consentual. If your husband is not comfortable with it, that is an issue. Also, you have looked to other outside sources to give you that little taste of what the BDSM lifestyle is all about. You said you feel you would be happy if you could just see what it is like. But I can assure you, if you seek that out you will realize that what you really want is for someone to love you and hold you and be tender with you. What you're seeking out is someone/something to validate your residual trauma feelings that sex is something dirty, shameful and humiliating. And I completely understand because I have been there.

I think what really put me back on track was the time I coerced my husband into "talking dirty" to me. And I don't mean just giving me verbal cues and whatnot. I requested that he call me some pretty vile and disgusting names. He begrudgingly did so and we both felt very ashamed and hurt afterward. We both promised one another we would never do that again and it dawned on me that what I had been wanting all along wasn't another man to treat sex in the same heartless and perverted manner my ex had. I just wanted to be made love to. Once I allowed myself to let go of that mental association between sex and humiliation, the temptation to engage in fetish acts even though they went outside my husband's comfort zone diminished.

What's important is that you have a husband who obviously loves you and respects you. I would rather have a man who only makes love to me and refuses to get totally raunchy than have a man who doesn't have the first clue how to make love. The "what ifs" are not worth throwing away your marriage over.

I am very glad that you have made progress and I think it's wonderful you are wanting to take your experiences and use them to help others. I'm sure that you will find this is not only healing for the women, but for yourself as well. I wish you and your husband all the best.

that was awesome

 

[WiredSpirit]

I pray that you find the answers you are looking for, but I have to ask, are we talking about a few silly games or a lifelong master-slave relationship?

 

[Chococat]

I'm so glad the Lord is delivering you from BDSM, Angel, and I agree with Peanut butter that it is unhealthy. I used to talk to a girl online who got into BDSM and it caused her to leave the Lord. At one point she was even into Satanism. I'm far from being an expert in such things but from what I can gather while not everyone who is into BDSM is a Satanist often Satanism and BDSM seem to go hand in hand.

 

[Akathist]

Just a clear reminder. Recovery is about wanting to have help to get out of some temptation, to have help with some trial or to change one's behavior.

It is NOT a place to discuss or debate about what is or is not a sin. Those discussions need to go to Ethics and Morality (Open area) or Christian Philosophy and Ethics (Christian Only Area.)​

This thread now officially has three Mod Hats and we have had to unapprove, not approve and delete a number of posts from it because people are not following the guideline that all posts in this thread MUST be about helping Angel 0310 to recovery from BDSM.

Post that are not about helping her move out of this will not be approved. If they are accidently approved, they will be deleted.

​