Bad thoughts

[Sydney Jefferson]

Yesterday evening, i was repeating a phrase in my head. The phrase was " I don't need God because I'm perfect and he's the icing on the cake, I need God because I'm messed up." (I didn't think on how to make it rhyme.) And after a few times repeating it, i only said part of the beginning of the phrase. The "i don't need God because I'm perfect" part, i paused, then thought the rest really fast. But the thing is i didnt think it like, a quick passing thought, i actually THOUGHT it. And for a briefest of moments, i actually felt like that was true. But the thing is, it's not true. Its never been true and i know that. But after i thought it, i felt in my heart that something was very wrong spiritually. Like, as if my heart stopped feeling. I thought the holy spirit left me, and i was afraid. Or nervous. Or stressed out. And i started saying i was sorry. I said i took back what i thought. And i started begging the God not to leave me. Taking pauses in between to tell myself not to have worldly sorrow. To feel something at all. To actually be emotionally charged about the fact that I've potentially seared my conscience and grieved the holy spirit into leaving me. The thing is, what i felt was more of a tightness, clenching feeling in my chest. An ache even. But never an actual feeling of real grief or mourning. I remember feeling this once, way back when i first wanted to be forgiven by God. But now i question it. Like what was the motivation behind my tears? Was i crying just because i was ashamed, or was i crying because i had offended God? So i sometimes sit and question my salvation. And so i went on saying i was sorry. I went on asking God to forgive me, begging him not to leave me or send me away, telling him that i regretted having that thought. Telling him that i couldn't promise never to think bad tboughts like this one again, because if i ever had a bad thought again, i will have broken that promise, and committed two sins. I remember that a couple weeks ago i had another bad thought, and i had it under similar circumstances as this one, except i wasnt repeating a phrase, my mind was wandering, and i thought the word "damn." I thought it again, but this time, quickly, quietly, i thought "God". And i immediately regretted ever thinking anything. I spent time researching and praying and saying i was sorry. I told god that if i promised to never have blasphemous thoughts ever again, i would eventually wind up breaking that promise. Unintentionally or otherwise. And i would shame him this way, and sin twice. So i promised this instead; That i would try harder to keep from blasphemous thoughts, and i would bring every blasphemous thought to him, with prayers begging for forgiveness. The point is, i don't want to leave God. Even if i have bad thoughts. But sometimes i wonder if he left me a long time ago. Or if he ever was with me at all. Sometimes i remember feeling at peace. A stillness and quiet joy. But now, mostly i keep trying to feel something, anything at all. I wonder if my heart has become hard, and i wonder what it even means to have a hard heart. Like if my heart was hard towards God, would i even care if my heart was hard? I often feel nothing. No joy, no sadness, nothing. But i keep on trying to kling to God, asking him to fix my heart again, because i remember feeling strongly towards him. please help me.

 

[thehehe]

Hey, thoughts are thoughts! Not acts!
How can you expect to believe 99% of the time? You have doubts, it is normal and even better. Doubts offer sometimes a bit of reason. And faith without reason is not really recommanded.
If you really are ashamed of that, talk about it to your pastor.

Now, concerning the heart with nothing.. It is something I knew some years ago after my granddad's death. Pain, and then nothing, like a cold heart. It took time to open it again: all I needed is to trust my closest friends. They did that for me. To let everything go, your should let your eyes be filled with compassion. When you look at someone, think you look at something great and beautiful. Seeing beauty and letting it fullfilled you is powerful. Others people are the key.
Don't run after emotions! There is nothing useful in it. I mean, you seem to be a passionate: you want things to change. There are two types of passionates: the ones looking for emotions and considering them as references, and the ones acting to change things no matter what. The best would be a mix of both. Your heart is not hard! You know, we are surrounded by cheesy sentimentalism which imposes a norm: to always live of emotions and very strong feelings: the one who does not would be anormal and without any heart. However, that is a dictatorial way to think! we all work differently. Perhaps you need something else, something more. Don't consider your heart hard because it can, by moments, be hard. You can simply need an emotional break!

You know, God is supposed to love you. To seems cheesy, "just the way you are". We all have annoying thoughts who come and go, about God or not. You do not have to feel guilty about it: this is natural, you are only an human being, and God certainly knows it.

 

[Alicia Rukaru]

Girl, I feel you. That happened to me once or twice and I get SO scared. However, it seems like you are really sorry about and are willing to change. Don't be too hard on yourself though, because the reason WHY we need God is because we are ONLY HUMAN. Sometimes, we mess up. And that's okay, because our God is a forgiving God, as long as we make sure to repent. Maybe you can spend some more time with God and pray. Hopefully that will make you feel better. It will also help you out of the habit of thinking sinful thoughts when you spend time with God (that worked for me). Also spend time with family and church. Remember that feeling come and go though, and salvation is ALWAYS eternal.

It's good that you are getting convicted though! I know many of my Christian friends who speak coarsely and expect me to laugh with them. I will be praying for you Sydney and God bless.

Psalm 86:15 But you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness.

 

[4x4toy]

``

Yesterday evening, i was repeating a phrase in my head. The phrase was " I don't need God because I'm perfect and he's the icing on the cake, I need God because I'm messed up." (I didn't think on how to make it rhyme.) And after a few times repeating it, i only said part of the beginning of the phrase. The "i don't need God because I'm perfect" part, i paused, then thought the rest really fast. But the thing is i didnt think it like, a quick passing thought, i actually THOUGHT it. And for a briefest of moments, i actually felt like that was true. But the thing is, it's not true. Its never been true and i know that. But after i thought it, i felt in my heart that something was very wrong spiritually. Like, as if my heart stopped feeling. I thought the holy spirit left me, and i was afraid. Or nervous. Or stressed out. And i started saying i was sorry. I said i took back what i thought. And i started begging the God not to leave me. Taking pauses in between to tell myself not to have worldly sorrow. To feel something at all. To actually be emotionally charged about the fact that I've potentially seared my conscience and grieved the holy spirit into leaving me. The thing is, what i felt was more of a tightness, clenching feeling in my chest. An ache even. But never an actual feeling of real grief or mourning. I remember feeling this once, way back when i first wanted to be forgiven by God. But now i question it. Like what was the motivation behind my tears? Was i crying just because i was ashamed, or was i crying because i had offended God? So i sometimes sit and question my salvation. And so i went on saying i was sorry. I went on asking God to forgive me, begging him not to leave me or send me away, telling him that i regretted having that thought. Telling him that i couldn't promise never to think bad tboughts like this one again, because if i ever had a bad thought again, i will have broken that promise, and committed two sins. I remember that a couple weeks ago i had another bad thought, and i had it under similar circumstances as this one, except i wasnt repeating a phrase, my mind was wandering, and i thought the word "damn." I thought it again, but this time, quickly, quietly, i thought "God". And i immediately regretted ever thinking anything. I spent time researching and praying and saying i was sorry. I told god that if i promised to never have blasphemous thoughts ever again, i would eventually wind up breaking that promise. Unintentionally or otherwise. And i would shame him this way, and sin twice. So i promised this instead; That i would try harder to keep from blasphemous thoughts, and i would bring every blasphemous thought to him, with prayers begging for forgiveness. The point is, i don't want to leave God. Even if i have bad thoughts. But sometimes i wonder if he left me a long time ago. Or if he ever was with me at all. Sometimes i remember feeling at peace. A stillness and quiet joy. But now, mostly i keep trying to feel something, anything at all. I wonder if my heart has become hard, and i wonder what it even means to have a hard heart. Like if my heart was hard towards God, would i even care if my heart was hard? I often feel nothing. No joy, no sadness, nothing. But i keep on trying to kling to God, asking him to fix my heart again, because i remember feeling strongly towards him. please help me.

Sydney , Fear not for the Lord is with you .. We all experience attacks from demonic thoughts .. Consider it an opportunity to get closer to the Lord . Learn to use the Word to rebuke those thoughts that fly at your mind as often as it takes , IT IS LIES FROM HELL .... We all experience times when we feel far away from Jesus .. Look at it as the time to move forward and be patient , wait on the Lord .. Now learn some praise music and praise God with your hands lifted up , stir up that gift that is within you and learn to love the Word .. Discipline yourself and you'll be back on the mountain top before you know it , and able to help others .. Win the battle .. Your friend in Jesus ..

 

[SkyyKatt]

I have compulsive thoughts sometimes. But I never mean them so I just repeat "I love you god. You know what's in my heart" God is love. He knows we are flawed. Think more about your love for god and less about him leaving you. And instead of asking him to heal your heart, ask him for the strength to do it yourself

 

[Cimorene]

I think most people have thoughts that they'd never act on. It's your actions that matter.

 

[PKFox]

I was once told that Satan will throw bad thoughts at us, and it isn't our fault for thinking them. What matters is whether or not we dwell on them or believe them. If we don't constantly think those bad thoughts, and we feel bad whenever Satan throws them at us, then God isn't going to be mad at us. We're human, and Satan will use that against us. We just have to ask God to help us fight against the devil and to forgive us when we do think bad thoughts.