Bad combination

[Donnabing]

I am having difficulty in my marriage and could use some advice.

It seems that a combination of my forgetfullness and my husband's sensitivity has made for a bad mix. I forget to do things he has asked me to do, and because he is so sensitive, he takes it personally and becomes very hurt. It turns into big arguements sometimes and we waste hours and hours talking about the same old things over and over and over again. He is hurt, feels disrespected, and I feel stupid and bad for hurting him. Here is an example that happened today:

Hubby is always reminding me to always carry my set of keys with me even when he has his, just in case something happens and we need both sets (totally logical idea)...today we went swimming at the river and I accidently left my keys inside my purse in the car. His keys then fell into the water accidentally (we have an electric locking thingy that we need to disarm the alarm on the car) so the alarm thingy didnt work, and of course my keys were in the car.....so it was a predicament. He was very upset with me, and I felt pretty dumb for forgetting AGAIN to take my keys with me.

In my oppinion he made a bigger deal out of it than it was worth, but I have to realize that he DOES feel hurt when that stuff happens. He takes things very personally and he is sensitive to that kind of stuff. As a good wife I should care more about that.

My question is, what can I do to be better about stuff like that? I seem to loose things all the time.I constantly forget to do somethings he asks me to do (like call someone or send an email, or put something away etc). I want to be better at those things, but I never seem to improve, and it really hurts my hubby. I dont want him to think I dont care about what he thinks or wants, or how he feels......

HELP!

 

[BigNorsk]

A couple of questions.

Do you forget to do only those things your husband asks (tells) you to do? Or do you forget everyone requests? Think about that a bit.

Do you forget to do things if asked by...
Parents
Friends
Siblings
Boss
Pastor

When you get to someplace like the church for worship service say with a potluck afterwards. Do you remember to bring something. Forget until you get there. Forget until too late.

What makes you remember?
You just do.
You get into similar situations and then you remember.
You remember when you need it.

Just trying to figure out how you work.

Marv

 

[Galadriel]

Yeah thats a good question, to see if you do it with other people as well, not just your husband, because then its not directed at him, but just something you have difficulty with.

btw, happy birthday! Mine was June 28

 

[TheAJKMan]

Actually BigNorsk and Galadriel ask very valid questions. I'm thinking that their questions aside that your husband may be being a little too oversensitive in general. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't look at yourself and see if there are things that you can do to better yourself and not cuase him to stumble. Would be interested in seeing your answer to their questions, cos that does have a major impact on any advice/suggestions

TheAJKMan

 

[~Nikki~]

A couple of practical suggestions...

You could put your keys in your purse and leave them there, and if you need to take them out to use, then put them back straight away afterwards...then there's no problem...they'll always be there.

Or if your husband asks you to do something else, do it there and then before you forget, or write it down on a 'to-do' list so you'll remember to do it later...

 

[~Mrs. A2J~]

I could have written your post. This describes me and my husband exactly. My hubby's love language is acts of service so when I forget to do stuff he asks he takes it very personally. I forget things all the time, even things I want to do for myself so it's not just things he asks me to do. I try to write things down as much as possible and that does help a little but a lot of the stuff he asks me to do is over the phone and I don't aways have the opportunity to write it down so I do forget those requests more easily.

Sorry, I don't have any advice but just wanted to let you know I'm in the same boat.

 

[brokenbeliever]

I am having difficulty in my marriage and could use some advice.

It seems that a combination of my forgetfullness and my husband's sensitivity has made for a bad mix. I forget to do things he has asked me to do, and because he is so sensitive, he takes it personally and becomes very hurt. It turns into big arguements sometimes and we waste hours and hours talking about the same old things over and over and over again. He is hurt, feels disrespected, and I feel stupid and bad for hurting him. Here is an example that happened today:

Hubby is always reminding me to always carry my set of keys with me even when he has his, just in case something happens and we need both sets (totally logical idea)...today we went swimming at the river and I accidently left my keys inside my purse in the car. His keys then fell into the water accidentally (we have an electric locking thingy that we need to disarm the alarm on the car) so the alarm thingy didnt work, and of course my keys were in the car.....so it was a predicament. He was very upset with me, and I felt pretty dumb for forgetting AGAIN to take my keys with me.

In my oppinion he made a bigger deal out of it than it was worth, but I have to realize that he DOES feel hurt when that stuff happens. He takes things very personally and he is sensitive to that kind of stuff. As a good wife I should care more about that.

My question is, what can I do to be better about stuff like that? I seem to loose things all the time.I constantly forget to do somethings he asks me to do (like call someone or send an email, or put something away etc). I want to be better at those things, but I never seem to improve, and it really hurts my hubby. I dont want him to think I dont care about what he thinks or wants, or how he feels......

HELP!

write yourself notes and lists and put them where you will always see them, like the bathroom mirror. i have to do this and it keep s me more organized.

 

[sjdennis]

I am terribly forgetful too. But my wife is very understanding. Each day as I leave for work she recites the list of things I need, to make sure I have them all! It takes something from both sides - you need to work on it (write lists etc), and he could obviously be more tolerant.

 

[£amb]

Get yourself a small dry erase board and put it somewhere where you see it everyday. Have him or yourself reminders on it and erase it off when it's accomplished. My husband and myself constantly write "to-do" lists around the house. You're husband may be sensitive, but if it's hurting you as well, then you may need to have a talk with him. If you don't want him over-reacting everytime you forget something, then let him know how it affects you and that it's just as upsetting for yourself.

 

[InTheFlame]

First - read Personality Plus (Florence Littauer). I think it'll help the two of you understand each other a little better. It goes through a very simple personality-type model and explains the general characteristics of each. It doesn't say, 'this is how people are, they can't change'. It DOES give tips on how people of different personality types can live together without ripping each other apart!

I'm similar to you. I'd be devastated if my husband reacted the way yours does. I work best on positive reinforcement, because I already know ALL my faults. But every time I get a comment on an improvement I've made, I get a huge new burst of energy to keep trying to change. And in your example, I would've been ropable with hubby for being silly enough to leave HIS keys somewhere that they could fall into the water, and then blaming ME for a situation HE caused.

You've got some good suggestions above. The whiteboard (dry erase board) is one I especially like... because it works fairly well at times for us. It's also important that you make sure that his requests are reasonable. If you're going to be absorbed in doing something half the day, then maybe it's easiest if HE sends an email himself. Or that you do it before you get into whatever else you need to do.

 

[sjdennis]

And in your example, I would've been ropable with hubby for being silly enough to leave HIS keys somewhere that they could fall into the water, and then blaming ME for a situation HE caused.

That is a very, very good point. Can't believe I didn't actually think of that myself. Being locked out of the car was his fault, not yours!

Blaming someone else for your own mistakes is a different issue, and a serious one too. Not sure how to point this one out to your dh though! Might be good for you to know however that although you were slightly at fault, he was much more at fault, it was his keys that fell in the water!

Anyway, why doesn't your dh wire up a spare key somewhere under the car where noone would see it? We do that - it is very handy, even when you're on your own and lock yourself out you can still get back in. Might not want to do it with an ultra-valuable car, but with most cars you should be fine. The older your car, the cheaper it is to buy and insure, and the less likely it is to get stolen. Positive all round!

 

[mlukas]

Listen, my wife can be pretty absent minded sometimes. I admit, sometimes it's frustrating but I know she doesn't do it on purpose. As a husband, I just account for it and have made myself the keeper of the keys and all things important. I don't take it personally, I just know that's the way she is. Just like I can be a chronic procrastinator. We all have our little problems.
I really think your husband just needs to not take it personally and know that that is just YOU. Unless you do it intentionally, which it doesn't sound like you do...

 

[Febe]

Maybe a notebook???
My husband gets hurt about everything also, and after 24 years I can tell it doesn´t heal...
You can only change Yourselve -> and the question is: how much is it possible to change to serve someone, without loosing Yourself on the way? Unfortunately, I have no answer... But I´m very, very tired!

 

[kayd1966]

we have a dry erase board in the kitchen. I have it partitioned into sections (shopping, to do today, calls to make, etc.) It has a marker attached & we both use it.

I write down things that he wants me to do or things I need to do...it is my responsibility to make sure I read the board and mark off the things as I get them done.

As for keys...we have a magnetic box with an extra key attached to the car.

I use the scheduler on my cell phone all the time too and set the alarm so that I am reminded to make phone calls or of appointments or shopping lists. My hubby also leaves me messages or text messages as reminders.

All of that being said...I think you both need to sit down when things are ok and talk this out. Explain to him that you have no intention of hurting him and that you need him to help you remember some of these things by using what ever method (notebook, board, post-it notes, etc.) you feel will help you and fit into your lifestyle.

Take care & God Bless

 

[rainbowpromise]

I have some thoughts as well.

First check with a doctor. I personally have seen three reasons for absentmindedness in women. Doesn't mean they are the only reasons, just that they are reasons that I have seen.

The first is pregnancy. It seems that every time I got pregnant, my memory got pregnant as well. I forgot all kinds of things that I would normally remember.

The second is one I saw in my daughter. It started in highschool. Her grades dropped a little and I started think that she seemed a little spaced out at times. It turns out she was having mini seizures. We got them under control but then when she was under stress as an adult they came back, only worse. She was engaged to be married but he too was sensitive. He took her seizures as snubs to him personally. Even worse when she had a mini seizure while he was driving. When they got to their destination he expected her to remember things that he had said, she could not. In fact when she tried to tell me what had happened, she could not even remember the drive. She remembered getting in the car with him and then being in their premarital counseling session. Even the pastor accused her of using it as an excuse.

Third reason, you're too young for. I get by on common sense lately.

The one thing that I have found that increases memory is to memorize. Kind of the "use it or lose it" theory. When I started memorizing Bible verses, my memory for other things improved as well.

 

[bliz]

And in your example, I would've been ropable with hubby for being silly enough to leave HIS keys somewhere that they could fall into the water, and then blaming ME for a situation HE caused.

Just what I was thinking... Too bad he couldn't have remembered to check with you and see if you had your keys on your person when you went to the river. That example does sound like he is blaming you for his mistake.

How does he give you your "assignments"? If items are tossed at you throughout the day as he happens to think of them, that really is unfair. He throws something out and expects you to catch it... but meanwhile, you were busy doing something else and thinking about something else. That's a bit of mental whiplash.

Perhaps the two of you could spend 5 minutes in the evening or in the morning to go over what each of you are doing during the day and what you would like the other to do. If you don't have one, try using a portable (in your purse) daily planner on which you can write appointments and chores.

At the same time I can't help but wonder if at a subconscious level you aren't being passive agressive. You might not care for him giving you assignments he could do himself, or the way he gives them to you or that he thinks you need to to told what to do. And so you are proving yourself to be incompetent in hopes that he will stop asking such things of you. It's not an uncommon pattern.

 

[kayd1966]

Just what I was thinking... Too bad he couldn't have remembered to check with you and see if you had your keys on your person when you went to the river. That example does sound like he is blaming you for his mistake.

How does he give you your "assignments"? If items are tossed at you throughout the day as he happens to think of them, that really is unfair. He throws something out and expects you to catch it... but meanwhile, you were busy doing something else and thinking about something else. That's a bit of mental whiplash.

Perhaps the two of you could spend 5 minutes in the evening or in the morning to go over what each of you are doing during the day and what you would like the other to do. If you don't have one, try using a portable (in your purse) daily planner on which you can write appointments and chores.

At the same time I can't help but wonder if at a subconscious level you aren't being passive agressive. You might not care for him giving you assignments he could do himself, or the way he gives them to you or that he thinks you need to to told what to do. And so you are proving yourself to be incompetent in hopes that he will stop asking such things of you. It's not an uncommon pattern.

agreed...some very good points!

Is your dh older than you? By how much?

 

[Southern Cross]

Being absentminded can be a personality trait... or an excuse for not caring enough to do the right thing. In your case, I think it's just a personality thing. Perhaps your husband needs to just grow up a little and deal with it. A simple reminder like, "Honey, do you have your set of keys on you in case I do soemthing dumb like lose mine in the river?" usually works pretty well.

I live with a notebook in hand. Seriosly, it's a one inch thick balck binder divided into three sections. The first is a weekly to-do and goals list (for family and business - it's a rolling MS WOrd document I update every Monday), the second is for voicemails, the third is a production schedule for my photography studio. If I don't enter somthing into this notebook, believe me, it's forgotten in a matter of seconds. It cost me all of $5 to create, and it save my butt every day because I am very scatterbrained.

 

[Cright]

I am the same way on occasion (especially now that I'm pregnant). I have a dry erase board on the fridge. I write down stuff that I'd like him to do... because I get frustrated when I need stuff done and 4 days later I've still forgotten to even ASK him! EEK.

He also writes down things for me to do so that I don't forget. We erase them when we've finnished and make room for new stuff. It saves us both from frustration.

Try it, hope it works for you!

Carina