I feel inadequate as a wife. I was accusing him of cheating yesterday and today on our anniversary we have to deal with his chronic pain and our computer breaking down, im using a smartphone to post this. Then I told him I hate this marriage. I felt things are ending and it's all my fault, he's a great husband and it's not his fault.
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Bad anniversary
- Thread starter caresforthebirds
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bluegreysky
Can't adult today.
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well I really shouldnt give marriage advice because ive only been married 6 weeks.
but i can re-share what other people told me.
I used to think a bad morning = a bad day.
And that's what I let happen. I let it throw off my mood and attitude and I had a bad day that got worse and worse.
Then someone taught me that you can reset your day at any time.
So with a little prayer, a deep breath and some determination a bad morning does not have to = a bad day.
Sure enough, I started believing it and it worked!
Last Sunday my husband and I had started arguing right after church and it escalated to where I felt like the best thing would be for me to spend the afternoon at the mall and give him some space.
That would have lead to us still being unresolved and angry later.
Instead, a thunderstorm came so we put all the pillows on the couch and turned on a movie and snuggled.
Then, I ended up watching a really good movie with a Christian message.
It lead to a softer heart and good intimacy.
day redeemed!
I'll add more after lunch....
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If he is a great husband, why are you accusing him of cheating? If it's not his fault, why do you hate the marriage?
It sounds like you are lashing out, from what you said, for no reason. Is that correct? What is making you so miserable?
There is clearly a lot more to this story.
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bluegreysky
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part 2-
Chronic pain is a huge dampener on any day, anniversary or not.
A broken computer is frustrating too.
But maybe its a sign? maybe it's time to turn off the media, sit on the couch and have a heart-to-heart since getting up and walking around hurts anyway.
I suffer with depression and anxiety since I was a kid. I think it's part of a hormone imbalance or maybe its learned from my mom.
There are times when in the heat of a negative moment I feel like I hate everything or I want to run away and what redeems me?
Remembering the good.
If he's a good husband, surely there's 5 blessings you can count. hopefully 10. preferably 20. The more positive things you look at, the smaller the negative stuff feels.
Why did you think he cheated?
Chronic pain is a huge dampener on any day, anniversary or not.
A broken computer is frustrating too.
But maybe its a sign? maybe it's time to turn off the media, sit on the couch and have a heart-to-heart since getting up and walking around hurts anyway.
I suffer with depression and anxiety since I was a kid. I think it's part of a hormone imbalance or maybe its learned from my mom.
There are times when in the heat of a negative moment I feel like I hate everything or I want to run away and what redeems me?
Remembering the good.
If he's a good husband, surely there's 5 blessings you can count. hopefully 10. preferably 20. The more positive things you look at, the smaller the negative stuff feels.
Why did you think he cheated?
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DZoolander
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Just love him. Don't think about it too much. Do the next right thing all day until its time to go to sleep.
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Well, the main problem is his illnesses. I think my mind tries to see him as bad because I can't handle the illnesses and I want out of the situation. When we were married it wasn't that bad but he keeps getting sicker and sicker. He stays in the hospital about a week out of every month. When his pain comes back it usually means hospital time again.
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DZoolander
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C
.chrys.
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I do think that talking with a counselor/therapist would help tremendously. There's no shame in talking with one.
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Sorry to hear you're having a rough time. :hugs:
I agree with the above posters about seeing a counselor.
I agree with the above posters about seeing a counselor.
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bluegreysky
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What sort of illness does he have?
Is it something that could be treatable with surgery or therapy
or something manageable with the right meds and a clean diet
or something that isn't either but could still be helped a bit with
the clean diet?
Is it something that could be treatable with surgery or therapy
or something manageable with the right meds and a clean diet
or something that isn't either but could still be helped a bit with
the clean diet?
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Fyi, he's old enough to be my dad. Anyway, if he we're to eat right for his pancreatitis, he would be better, but he doesn't. I feel like giving up.
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DZoolander
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Just out of curiosity - were you also posting on this site under the name coolchika?
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Coolchika is someone else.
Part of the problem is my empathy issues. I say things that are very hurtful and I don't realize how hurtful it is to him. I have Aspergers and other mental health problems that causes some problems that are not his fault.
Part of the problem is my empathy issues. I say things that are very hurtful and I don't realize how hurtful it is to him. I have Aspergers and other mental health problems that causes some problems that are not his fault.
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Odetta
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Sounds like you feel you have enough on your plate taking care of you, and are therefore overwhelmed at having to take care of him, too, so you lash out. Not uncommon, but not healthy. Again I suggest counseling for you.
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I understand how hard caregiver fatigue is. I cared for a critically ill loved one for 12 years.
It sounds like your husband is a good man. And you lack empathy, so you lash out at him. So my question is this: are you incapable of controlling your tongue? I mean this seriously, since you are pointing out Aspergers and mental health issues. Or, is it even slightly possible that you are using those issues as an excuse to let yourself say hurtful things? It's something to really think about with absolute honesty.
If you are indeed incapable of controlling yourself, then I hope that you will get help. Hostility has a tendency to escalate over time, and it is unfair for your sick husband to be victimized by it.
I understand the relentlessness and frustration of caregiving, and encourage you to seek out help, both for you and for your husband.
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bluegreysky
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Woah don't give up!
It doesn't matter that it's not your anniversary today, (its now Friday)
today can still be a great day. I have some tips.
1) write him a letter by hand and tell him you love him, you're greatful for your marriage (even if you don't really feel that way right now) and you're sorry for the fight y'all had (even if it wasn't your fault). Then try and convey in sweet but serious words how much it would mean to you if he would take better care of himself by eating right and taking his meds.
2) Go get all the junk food and donate it or give it away.
Except for your favorite wine and chocolate, hide that somewhere for you for later.
3) I don't know how you feel about cooking, but maybe you have a sibling or friend who can help you out if you don't like it. Research alot of recipes that are health-conscious. If you would like to PM me, I will give you the info to access my pinterest board because my FIL had triple bypass AND diabetes and my MIL needed ideas because he's a picky eater so I found a bunch of things and pinned them for her. The most useful one is a substitute chart. Most anything that makes food taste good can be substituted with something natural that still tastes pretty good.
For example- coconut oil instead of vegetable oil. applesauce instead of sugar....
you can't stop him from sneaking mikkie d's when he's out by himself but you can make eating healthy be as yummy as eating not healthy.
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