Back in "the hole" again....

[Big Boofus]

Hi Everybody,

I'm new here so I'll do a brief intro and backgrounder.

I'm 51 years old now and I've been a Christian since I was 13. In college I became a full gospel believer and grace embracer (my term). I believe in everything in the Word and that God loves us more than we can know this side of heaven.

I've been diagnosed with severe clinical depression at times over the last 30 years. And while I know it is neuro/biochemical imbalance (and an attack of Satan and a symptom of our fallen world/nature), it is a very real daily battle.

My current state of affairs is that I have had a rough past 2-3 years and it's getting really dark in this hole. Briefly, my marriage of 20 years ended by choice of my (mentally/emotionally abusive) spouse (no infidelity by either of us, we were unequally yoked though), carrying debt from the marriage/divorce and starting over again on my own alone, severe medical problems over the last year (viral heart problems, diabetes) thankfully with no lasting disability, just not as physically fit as in the past, reunion with family members that I have been estranged from for years (including my Mom and brother), and 3 vehicular accidents (1 that totaled my jeep)... That's just a few of the big things. It's starting to effect my daily self.

I just don't care about anything anymore. I have no desire to do anything although I do make myself get up and go to work each day. But I am just existing, certainly not living the full life the we are promised in scripture.

I'm having to reassess everything in my life now. All the plans, hopes and dreams I had for life (a solid loving long marriage, grandchildren, family, daughters' college, retirement etc...) have been effectively flushed. I have absolutely no inspiration for a future that looks good. All I can see is the wreckage left over from the past and all the cleanup and damage control needed to keep everybody around me reasonably whole since my life has imploded.

Don't get the wrong impression here... I am not suicidal. I just don't see any reason in this dark hole to keep going, aside from I have no choice. When I had my wife and daughters around me I had a purpose. I was a husband and a father. I may still be a father, but otherwise I belong to no one but God and have really no purpose anymore.

I have set up an appointment to see my doctor, and will be going back on anti-depressants I'm sure. Fixing at least marginally the neurochemical issue may help.

But I have completely lost my joy and peace in this dark place. We all go through valleys and He is with us, but I'm just not seeing or feeling Him in this.

Somebody point me to some light and a path out of here please...

Boofus

 

[emilie mayer]

Well i to am going through somewhat of what you are going through. Believe it or not you have to think positive. God want us to have faith even if we feel overwhelmed. I am all by myself and starting over. The only vehicle i have has broken down and depression has left me not enjoying anything or anyone. But I do thank God for another beautiful day. And now i know i have plenty of time to focus on God. Your lucky you have a job ive been looking for over a year and havent got a bite. But i think to myself when God is ready and has the right job for me then it will happen. I do believe God never gives us more than we can handle so whatever we are going through He knows we can handle this. I do believe that being positive through the storm is faith. If we are negative than the enemy has succeeded at making you an ineffective christian. I was ineffective for 1 year and finally knew nothing was going ti change unless i accepted were i was at and got positive. God bless

 

[emilie mayer]

God is good and i hang on to the promises of God. One of my favorites is He PROMISES TO WORK ALL THINGS OUT FOR THE GOOD OF HIS CHILDREN.

 

[Purge187]

BB, you suffer from clinical depression, the kind of which is caused by chemical imbalances that are out of your control and--this is the important part--not your fault. Follow through with your doctor and don't give up on God, because He certainly won't give up on you. Neither will any of us here.

 

[Criada]

I'm sorry - sounds like a really bad time
I agree with others, medication will probably help you to feel more able to deal with the circumstances.
I know it is very hard to keep believing God is there, let alone in control, when everything is dark and you can't feel His presence - but hold on, He is still there, and He does still have a plan for your life. You are not where you planned to be, but He knew before the beginning of time, and He has prepared good works for you.

Praying that the darkness will begin to lift very soon, and that you will find a path through the valley

 

[Big Boofus]

Got a script for a-d meds. Will take a few days for it to start working but it will work I'm sure.

Thanks for the kind words and support everybody. They mean the world at this time when I know I have friends. Being alone in the dark is not a good place.

Boofus