Aussie Jokes!

[SmEaGoL!]

Post some good Aussie jokes.

Here's one about us Vics:

Four men, a Tasmanian, a South Australian, a Queenslander and a Victorian were taking a trip together.

As they are driving along, the Tasmanian winds down his window and throws out the box of apples he'd bought. The other men in the car asked in unison "Why throw away a perfectly good box of apples, we'd of enjoyed eating them!". The Tasmanian replied "I'm from Tasmania. We have more apples than anyone can use and knows what to do with. We didn't need these apples, I can always get more."

They drive along a bit further and the South Australian winds down his window and throws out the box of vintage red wine he'd bought. The other men in the car asked in unison "Why did you throw out the vintage red wine, we'd have enjoyed drinking it!". The South Australian replied "I'm from South Australia. We have more wine than anyone can use and knows what to do with. We didn't need that wine, I can always get more."

A little further along, the Queenslander's winds down his window - and throws out the Victorian!

 

[Western Deity]

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"?

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

As to the question below: No I didn't.

 

[SmEaGoL!]

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"?

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

that's pretty good mate - did you make that up yourself?

 

[Bevlina]

An American pilot was flying over the Australian outback when his plane malfunctioned and plummeted to the ground. When the pilot awoke, he found himself in bed, in an Australian hospital.

"So," he asked the doctor, "Did I come here to die?"

"No," the physician said. "You came here yesterday."

 

[SmEaGoL!]

nice Bev. btw you got any outback jokes by any chance?

 

[Bevlina]

Want to see one I have in my collection?

 

[Bevlina]

You might like this one Smeags!

 

[prodromos]

An Australian landowner was holidaying in Scotland and had struck up a conversation with a Scottish farmer. Trying to impress on the Scot the size of his property downunder he explained it in these terms.
"Back home I can ride all day to the east, all day to the west, all day to the north or all day to the south and still not reach the boundaries of my property", he said proudly.
The Scot seemed unimpressed though and simply nodded his head slowly.
"Aye", he said, "I had a horse like that once!"

 

[Bevlina]

Joke


Swampy Marsh, the young Australian father-to-be, is waiting anxiously outside the maternity ward where his wife is having their first baby. He is pacing the floor when the nurse comes out and says, "You have a little boy, Mr. Marsh, but you had better go out and have a cup of coffee, because there may be another one." Swampy turns a little pale and leaves.

Some time later he phones the hospital and is told that he the father of twins, but the nurse cautions, "There is another on the way, so call back later."

At that Swampy decides that coffee is not strong enough, so he goes to a bar and has some beer. When he phones the hospital again he is told that the third baby has arrived and a fourth is on the way. White-faced, he stumbles to the bar and orders a double scotch.

Twenty minutes later, he tries to phone again, but he is so drunk that he dials the wrong number and gets the recorded cricket game score. When they pick him up off the floor the recording is still going strong: "The score is ninety-six all out," says the voice, "and the last one was a duck."

 

[SmEaGoL!]

aha all very good.

 

[Bevlina]

​

​

Dad, Mabel and their son Dave lived on a small farm in the Murry river district of
New South Wales, Australia.
Poor Dave had no one to play with but he sure had a knack for getting into trouble.
One hot summer afternoon Dave was walking past the dunny (outside bush toilet), which perched precariously on the bank of the mighty Murry river, when he had a mischevious idea.
Dave was a strong lad and so he used all his might to push the dunny into the river.
He couldn't control his laugher as the outhouse floated out of sight.
A few hours later Dad came up to Dave
and asked " Dave did you push the dunny into the river".
"NO" said Dave.
So Dad sat down with Dave and told him the story of George Washington and the cherry tree.
Dave was impressed by the fact that George Washington's father didn't punish George
because he was honest and admitted to his father that he had cut down the cherry tree.
When Dad asked Dave " did you push the dunny into the river"
Dave proudly answered " yes father I can not tell a lie. I pushed the outhouse into the river ".
Dad gave Dave a terrible beating with his belt.
Dave sobbed " George Washington didn't get punished when he told his father the truth".
Dad replied " yes but his father wasn't up the cherry tree ".

 

[KristianJ]

Joke


Swampy Marsh, the young Australian father-to-be, is waiting anxiously outside the maternity ward where his wife is having their first baby. He is pacing the floor when the nurse comes out and says, "You have a little boy, Mr. Marsh, but you had better go out and have a cup of coffee, because there may be another one." Swampy turns a little pale and leaves.

Some time later he phones the hospital and is told that he the father of twins, but the nurse cautions, "There is another on the way, so call back later."

At that Swampy decides that coffee is not strong enough, so he goes to a bar and has some beer. When he phones the hospital again he is told that the third baby has arrived and a fourth is on the way. White-faced, he stumbles to the bar and orders a double scotch.

Twenty minutes later, he tries to phone again, but he is so drunk that he dials the wrong number and gets the recorded cricket game score. When they pick him up off the floor the recording is still going strong: "The score is ninety-six all out," says the voice, "and the last one was a duck."

ROFL!!!! HAHAHAH!!! I love it, Bev!!!

 

[Tavita]

This isn't really a 'bush' joke, more your african safari type with an aussie flavour:


A wealthy Australian man ( yes, we still have a few left ) decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet Dingo along for company. One day, the Dingo starts chasing after butterflies and before long he discovers he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The Dingo thinks, "Geez, I'm in the poop now!" Then he notices some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the Dingo exclaims loudly, "Well, blow me down, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halts in his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That Dingo nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the Dingo sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says. "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving Aussie canine."

Now the Dingo sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "Struth, what am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet....and just when they get close enough to hear, the Dingo says, "Where the bleedin' heck's that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Moral:
Sometimes if you can't dazzle them with brilliance, then baffle them with bull****!

 

[Bevlina]

Rofl!!!

 

[Bevlina]

A drover walked into a pub and asked for a round of scotch. The Barman handed him the drink and the drover poured it in his shirt pocket.
"Another please." he asked the barman.
The barman poured another, gave it to the drover and the drover poured it in the same pocket.
"Another please."
The barman poured another, gave it to the drover who poured it it his pocket again.
"Another please"

This went on for 10 minutes till the barman said "Look, I can't just sell you drinks to pour in your pocket mate! You're off your rocker! Go on get outta here!"

An argument followed between the barman and the drover.
In the end the drover got really mad and said "Listen mate, I'm gonna bruise ya eyeballs, knock ya block off and jump on ya head!!

Next thing, a little drunk fieldmouse poked it's head out of the drover's pocket and said...
"AN THAT GOES FER YA BLUDDY CAT TOO!"

 

[loribee59]

e


Swampy Marsh, the young Australian father-to-be, is waiting anxiously outside the maternity ward where his wife is having their first baby. He is pacing the floor when the nurse comes out and says, "You have a little boy, Mr. Marsh, but you had better go out and have a cup of coffee, because there may be another one." Swampy turns a little pale and leaves.

Some time later he phones the hospital and is told that he the father of twins, but the nurse cautions, "There is another on the way, so call back later."

At that Swampy decides that coffee is not strong enough, so he goes to a bar and has some beer. When he phones the hospital again he is told that the third baby has arrived and a fourth is on the way. White-faced, he stumbles to the bar and orders a double scotch.

Twenty minutes later, he tries to phone again, but he is so drunk that he dials the wrong number and gets the recorded cricket game score. When they pick him up off the floor the recording is still going strong: "The score is ninety-six all out," says the voice, "and the last one was a duck."

ROFL!!! LOVE IT!

 

[loribee59]

you can change this to Australia to fit the joke. but oboy, this is FUNNY! hehe
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A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis.

However, he accidentally left out one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error. In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. The dearly departed was a minister of many years who had been called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I've Arrived!


I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!