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Attachment Parenting
- Thread starter jazzbird
- Start date
isaiah5213
Bury Me With a Sword in my Hand
- Sep 8, 2004
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i have to say, that all this reading (i just found this thread today) really exhausted me.. it brought back memories, painful memories of my past sins...
to me?? if a child is under a year, definitely, there is no sense in telling me they are trying to manipulate me by crying... no way. and i don't see any of you on this board saying that... i had a sling for my child. and my children loved to be held. so i held them.
when one of my children was two, and one was one, my ex and i filed for divorce. and my ex took and hid my kids from me. it took 6 months for the judge to order him to pull them out of hiding. and then it took years of me taking him to court for it to become consistant (constant contempt of court charges) until the judge got fed up w/him, and made it almost impossible for my ex to keep me from seeing them on a regular basis.. so 6 months he hid them, then i got them everyday, then he put in a transfer and got it, and took him and the kids to virginia. so i had to "get them back" from virginia via the virginia and indiana, which took 2 of his 4 year assignment, then he moved them to florida w/another transfer of assignment. i was in school full time by then, a lousy paying job. i didn't have any more money for the lawyer. so i had to make trips down there to see them, and i had to "stalk" his family for when he would come up to visit is mom and dad, and never let me know he was in town. then i would get the kids for 2 days out of a 14 day visit--cuz' it would take me that long for him to go "visiting w/his friends, and leave the kids w/other family members, then i could call the police to escort them to me... YUCK! how hurt i feel for my kids when i did this !!! meanwhile, i became depressed, i got more into alcohol than i had been, and tho i never did the alcohol around my children, they saw the effects of my withdrawals... they saw me more stressed and focused on "job" and "school" & bitterness toward my ex, they saw me scared and fearful and too focused on trying to make a better home for them, so they could be w/me more permanately. they saw me as i started having flashbacks about my sexual abuse.. so here my children are so young, and they want to sleep in the bed w/me, they don't want to see me leave, they want my undivided attention, and i can't give it to them.. i was so emotionally & physically sick it was horrible... and i cry everytime i think of that..
they couldn't sleep in the bed w/me, at the time--because either i was too much in sin and had a man living w/us, or i was having flashbacks of my own childhood and petrified my dreams would hurt them... and i am sure i seemed so sad everytime i saw them.. it's a wonder my children aren't walking around w/"reactive attachment disorder" to this day. to God be the glory for that one...
if my children were in a happy, healthy home, they wouldn't have needed to go to sleep w/me everynight. they wouldn't have wanted to be w/me 24/7.. but they weren't... my fault, i know.. to this day, my 15 year old daughter's earliest memory of me, she says, is when she was 5.. and i hurt so bad at that, because i saw her so much more, i tell her stories about herself, and things she did, and everything, yet she can't remember me before she was 5
so i became a Christian in the middle of all this... dec 1993. they were in florida at the time. he was remarried (my ex).. i changed ALOT. years go by, and my cousin needs someone to take care of him.. his mom abandoned him, eventually, but not before incident after incident of neglect.. his mom took him in & out of crack homes. she just would up and leave my now son w/my dad & stepmom for literally days and weeks and never say where she was going, where at, or call or anything..
and so my dad one day said "we can't keep doing this.. we can't let her have him back, but we can't raise him either.. we are too old, and he is too sick " (asthma, and 8 people were living in the home, and they were all smokers). and i said "i will take him. "
and from day one he slept in my room. from day one he got cuddled and loved and whatever when he cried.. when he was being manipulative, or crying because he didn't get what he wanted, then i let him "cry it out" as long as he wasn't doing a tantrum.. because he was self-destructive in his tantrums...i had to take him to a regimen of doctors (physical doctors, psychiatrists, counselors, allergist specialists, ear,nose throat specialist, etc) for 2 years before i met back up w/my now husband who i had known in high school, and 3 of his children had a mom just like my little cousin.. so when we first got married, there were 5 people in our room... 2 boys, 1 girl.
we weaned our then 5 year old to his own room when he became 6. he had some problems at first. he still has to have a lava lamp of dad's. he has to have the door open. he wakes up and wanders thru the house and makes sure we are there.. he stands over me and watches me sleep--he has huge eyes, so it used to startle me! when my husband works at night, i start sleeping on the couch till about 2, then i get up and go to my room where 2 of my children still are.--even then, they both wake up and go thru to the bathroom past the living room, not our bedroom bathroom--and they don't watch tv or chat either.. they just look for us, then go back to bed.
and they wake up, i am there.. and when my now 8 year old wakes up in the middle of the night before 2, he looks thru to the living room and i am there..
many many people would feel i am being manipulated. and with my 6 year old daughter, i find it hard sometimes, cuz' i think i am.. i think she cries way too much, or too easily--she is rough and tough w/friends, but w/an adult,she acts babyish.. and i struggle w/that.. so sometimes i get my "hard face" on, and sometimes i hold her anyway, cz' i know that she just wants to be loved... we are working on the best thing for her right now.
with their past, i don't know the middle line to tell you the truth. i don't know if i am doing the healthy thing.. or if i am enabling things for worse moments... i have no idea!!! we are gonna wean the two 6 year olds this year to their own room, and see how that works...
many people who have never met my kids, really are.. critical of all this above.. but the ones who have, are very encouraging of our decisions. we have talked w/numerous counselors about it, and they are the most encouraging... for right now, this is best for our kids...
is this attachement therapy?? i have no idea.. this is what we do, tho.. in other words, tho they are 8, 6, 6, 16, 15, 11, we do attachement treatments for them like they are between 1-5--not just the bed issues that i have described above, but the whole treatment plan --depending upon the situation and the child. the 16 & 15 year old have come a long way.. they are really doing great, w/friends and at school and at church.. but this is not saying i suggest attachement ideals to those who have not gone thru the above issues like our family has. but our other 16 year old hates this stuff that we do. she is our rebellious one. and when we have tried to do these things w/her, to make her feel included, she has reacted w/rage and hatred.. so, uh, we aren't speaking her love language there! lol!
i am sorry this is long... i hope you all forgive me.. i kind of shy from telling you this, but i thought it was important, to just say "what works best for one child, might not work, or seem really unreasonable for another..."
to me?? if a child is under a year, definitely, there is no sense in telling me they are trying to manipulate me by crying... no way. and i don't see any of you on this board saying that... i had a sling for my child. and my children loved to be held. so i held them.
when one of my children was two, and one was one, my ex and i filed for divorce. and my ex took and hid my kids from me. it took 6 months for the judge to order him to pull them out of hiding. and then it took years of me taking him to court for it to become consistant (constant contempt of court charges) until the judge got fed up w/him, and made it almost impossible for my ex to keep me from seeing them on a regular basis.. so 6 months he hid them, then i got them everyday, then he put in a transfer and got it, and took him and the kids to virginia. so i had to "get them back" from virginia via the virginia and indiana, which took 2 of his 4 year assignment, then he moved them to florida w/another transfer of assignment. i was in school full time by then, a lousy paying job. i didn't have any more money for the lawyer. so i had to make trips down there to see them, and i had to "stalk" his family for when he would come up to visit is mom and dad, and never let me know he was in town. then i would get the kids for 2 days out of a 14 day visit--cuz' it would take me that long for him to go "visiting w/his friends, and leave the kids w/other family members, then i could call the police to escort them to me... YUCK! how hurt i feel for my kids when i did this !!! meanwhile, i became depressed, i got more into alcohol than i had been, and tho i never did the alcohol around my children, they saw the effects of my withdrawals... they saw me more stressed and focused on "job" and "school" & bitterness toward my ex, they saw me scared and fearful and too focused on trying to make a better home for them, so they could be w/me more permanately. they saw me as i started having flashbacks about my sexual abuse.. so here my children are so young, and they want to sleep in the bed w/me, they don't want to see me leave, they want my undivided attention, and i can't give it to them.. i was so emotionally & physically sick it was horrible... and i cry everytime i think of that..
they couldn't sleep in the bed w/me, at the time--because either i was too much in sin and had a man living w/us, or i was having flashbacks of my own childhood and petrified my dreams would hurt them... and i am sure i seemed so sad everytime i saw them.. it's a wonder my children aren't walking around w/"reactive attachment disorder" to this day. to God be the glory for that one...
if my children were in a happy, healthy home, they wouldn't have needed to go to sleep w/me everynight. they wouldn't have wanted to be w/me 24/7.. but they weren't... my fault, i know.. to this day, my 15 year old daughter's earliest memory of me, she says, is when she was 5.. and i hurt so bad at that, because i saw her so much more, i tell her stories about herself, and things she did, and everything, yet she can't remember me before she was 5
so i became a Christian in the middle of all this... dec 1993. they were in florida at the time. he was remarried (my ex).. i changed ALOT. years go by, and my cousin needs someone to take care of him.. his mom abandoned him, eventually, but not before incident after incident of neglect.. his mom took him in & out of crack homes. she just would up and leave my now son w/my dad & stepmom for literally days and weeks and never say where she was going, where at, or call or anything..
and so my dad one day said "we can't keep doing this.. we can't let her have him back, but we can't raise him either.. we are too old, and he is too sick " (asthma, and 8 people were living in the home, and they were all smokers). and i said "i will take him. "
and from day one he slept in my room. from day one he got cuddled and loved and whatever when he cried.. when he was being manipulative, or crying because he didn't get what he wanted, then i let him "cry it out" as long as he wasn't doing a tantrum.. because he was self-destructive in his tantrums...i had to take him to a regimen of doctors (physical doctors, psychiatrists, counselors, allergist specialists, ear,nose throat specialist, etc) for 2 years before i met back up w/my now husband who i had known in high school, and 3 of his children had a mom just like my little cousin.. so when we first got married, there were 5 people in our room... 2 boys, 1 girl.
we weaned our then 5 year old to his own room when he became 6. he had some problems at first. he still has to have a lava lamp of dad's. he has to have the door open. he wakes up and wanders thru the house and makes sure we are there.. he stands over me and watches me sleep--he has huge eyes, so it used to startle me! when my husband works at night, i start sleeping on the couch till about 2, then i get up and go to my room where 2 of my children still are.--even then, they both wake up and go thru to the bathroom past the living room, not our bedroom bathroom--and they don't watch tv or chat either.. they just look for us, then go back to bed.
and they wake up, i am there.. and when my now 8 year old wakes up in the middle of the night before 2, he looks thru to the living room and i am there..
many many people would feel i am being manipulated. and with my 6 year old daughter, i find it hard sometimes, cuz' i think i am.. i think she cries way too much, or too easily--she is rough and tough w/friends, but w/an adult,she acts babyish.. and i struggle w/that.. so sometimes i get my "hard face" on, and sometimes i hold her anyway, cz' i know that she just wants to be loved... we are working on the best thing for her right now.
with their past, i don't know the middle line to tell you the truth. i don't know if i am doing the healthy thing.. or if i am enabling things for worse moments... i have no idea!!! we are gonna wean the two 6 year olds this year to their own room, and see how that works...
many people who have never met my kids, really are.. critical of all this above.. but the ones who have, are very encouraging of our decisions. we have talked w/numerous counselors about it, and they are the most encouraging... for right now, this is best for our kids...
is this attachement therapy?? i have no idea.. this is what we do, tho.. in other words, tho they are 8, 6, 6, 16, 15, 11, we do attachement treatments for them like they are between 1-5--not just the bed issues that i have described above, but the whole treatment plan --depending upon the situation and the child. the 16 & 15 year old have come a long way.. they are really doing great, w/friends and at school and at church.. but this is not saying i suggest attachement ideals to those who have not gone thru the above issues like our family has. but our other 16 year old hates this stuff that we do. she is our rebellious one. and when we have tried to do these things w/her, to make her feel included, she has reacted w/rage and hatred.. so, uh, we aren't speaking her love language there! lol!
i am sorry this is long... i hope you all forgive me.. i kind of shy from telling you this, but i thought it was important, to just say "what works best for one child, might not work, or seem really unreasonable for another..."
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isaiah5213
Bury Me With a Sword in my Hand
- Sep 8, 2004
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thank you shannon.. i put so much detail into my post, tho, i think it strayed from the questions that the original poster had.. sorry...
i also hope it didn't scare anyone from posting a perspective they had originally intended... if need be, i will go back and delete/edit...
i also hope it didn't scare anyone from posting a perspective they had originally intended... if need be, i will go back and delete/edit...
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acodno
Junior Member
I don't think there is a wrong or right way when talking about CIO and AP you should do whatever fits your family best. What works for you and your family, it shouldn't matter what other people think. As long as what you are doing is not hurting the child and you are doing it with love and care, then do what's in your heart to do.
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Princessperky
Well-Known Member
There is something between CIOing and APing sleep (though I read an 'official' definition of APing once, sounded pretty normal, go to children and take care of their needs, in practice, well .. I have seen quite far from that simple premise)
Anyway for sleep if anyone is still arguing CIO over Rocking, I use the fade out method, mainly cause I am to lazy to rock and to err whatever to listen to anyone cry much less my own child.
link to Fade out:
http://home.earthlink.net/~guin_dt_sales/id16.html
On the AP thing, the premise is great, the practice I have seen of never disiplining your child, is not so great. I once heard that apparently the idea of asking a child to clean up is not a good one, they might not be done playing (like they ever are?)
Anyway I avoid all AP boards for that reason, I do insist on clean up times, I do insist on apropriatly dressed children, I do not do the family bed thing (though cosleep for nursing is wonderful) and I do insist on many other things that many AP parents find terrible (but not all I am sure, like I said, I meet my childrens needs or comfort them when I can't)
Oh and sorry about the troubles, but don't worry if your kid can't remember you before 5, I have a perfectly normal (err sortof) upbringing, and I can't remember a thing before 4 much less my mother. I know that is one tiny drop of sand in the huge bucket, but if you can get rid of the worry one drop at a time....
Anyway for sleep if anyone is still arguing CIO over Rocking, I use the fade out method, mainly cause I am to lazy to rock and to err whatever to listen to anyone cry much less my own child.
link to Fade out:
http://home.earthlink.net/~guin_dt_sales/id16.html
On the AP thing, the premise is great, the practice I have seen of never disiplining your child, is not so great. I once heard that apparently the idea of asking a child to clean up is not a good one, they might not be done playing (like they ever are?)
Anyway I avoid all AP boards for that reason, I do insist on clean up times, I do insist on apropriatly dressed children, I do not do the family bed thing (though cosleep for nursing is wonderful) and I do insist on many other things that many AP parents find terrible (but not all I am sure, like I said, I meet my childrens needs or comfort them when I can't)
Oh and sorry about the troubles, but don't worry if your kid can't remember you before 5, I have a perfectly normal (err sortof) upbringing, and I can't remember a thing before 4 much less my mother. I know that is one tiny drop of sand in the huge bucket, but if you can get rid of the worry one drop at a time....
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- Mar 11, 2004
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I haven't read anything that suggests that AP parents don't discipline their children. 
Many APers don't spank, but there are many forms of effective discipline. Maybe I just haven't been on the right (or should I say wrong) sites. I guess I could see how some AP-type individuals could go astray in this manner, but it's not an AP philosophy.
Many APers don't spank, but there are many forms of effective discipline. Maybe I just haven't been on the right (or should I say wrong) sites. I guess I could see how some AP-type individuals could go astray in this manner, but it's not an AP philosophy.
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Katydid
Just a Mom
- Jun 23, 2004
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I haven't read anything that suggests that AP parents don't discipline their children.
There is a branch of AP that follow a branch of Grace based discipline known as Gentle Discipline I think, that don't believe in using ANY punitive measures in discipline. Here is a site that believes that....
www.gentlechristianmothers.com
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Princessperky
Well-Known Member
jazzbird said:I haven't read anything that suggests that AP parents don't discipline their children.
Well like I said:
Princessperky said:
I think it is a case of me finding all the wrong sites
. Like I said the definition sounds great, and since I Home Educate, and do not send my kids to daycare, I suppose I might qualify, but the 'wrong' boards scared me off of ever IDing myself with AP. I even found one that wasn't so terrible once, tried to join after reading the boards a bit, apparently I wasn't good enough for them (maybe since I love independant children?)
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christianmomof3
pursuing Christ
I use an ap approach with my children. I had not heard the term when they were babies, although I had read (ok skimmed through - who has time to read when you have an infant?) some Dr. Sears books. I believe that all parents and children are different and you have to parent with a style that is most comfortable to you. (However, if your "style" includes spanking on a regular basis and cursing at your children, then I do not think that is the best way to care for your children.) I think that all parents should pray that the Lord would guide them as they care for their children. The GCM site listed a few posts ago is a wonderful site for Christian women who use the ap style with their children. The site is not a debate site, so only those who agree with that style of parenting and with the statement of faith there are accepted to that site. I have seen other parenting sites where the mothers argue and are unkind to one another and use foul language etc... Yuck! The owner of GCM tries to keep her site kind and gentle and I appreciate that. For those mommies who are interested in AP, I do recommend GCM as a wonderful, helpful, Christian board.
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Katydid
Just a Mom
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Well, my problem was, that when I wrote to the moderator for their application, I explained that No I don't use that style, but I was wanting some help with some issues I was facing with my daughter. I needed the advice of ladies who did use AP because my problems stemmed from a lack of bonding with my daughter. This was due to a hospital stay and some pretty rough months for her when she was an infant. I didn't know how to restore that bond. But, my reason's apparently weren't worthy of consideration, just because I didn't believe exactly as they do. I understand the need to keep the board free from those who would cause debates, but I believe a better response would be to have a probation period, or a no-tolerance policy where those who do start debates are then not allowed to post any further. But, I felt that I was turned away at a time when I needed assisstance more than ever. That truly made me lose respect for that site, and for the ladies who run it.
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E
EmSchmem
Guest
Katydid said:
I like you more and more all the time. Can I come live with you?
I'm sorry these women treated you like this, but they don't sound like anyone who needs to be associated with anyway. I hope and pray that the bonding gets better!
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Katydid
Just a Mom
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Thank you, and thankfully I did find a resource that helped. It was actually in a book I read about discipline. But, their philosophy is that discipline is useless without a loving bond. So, I took the books advice and now my daughter and I are almost inseperable.
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christianmomof3
pursuing Christ
I am glad that you found a good resource to help you with your daughter. I am sorry that you did not get any help from GCM and I understand that you would not feel positive towards them, but I have found them to be a wonderful online community. There is also an ap board at http://www.mothering.com/discussions/index.php? and some other parenting forums also have ap boards.Katydid said:
May the Lord be with you and your family.
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Hisrosebud
Well-Known Member
They wouldn't help you????????? That is insane.
I am glad that you have found a way to restore your bond with your daughter, could you tell me some of the things that you did??
I am wondering if it would help with foster children that have attachment reactive disorder which stems from not bonding...
Jane
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