Attachment Parenting

[bliz]

LOL! As someone in this thread wrote- the best thing is to figure out what works best for you as a family. It is different even in a family from child to child!!

So true, so true!

 

[~Mrs. A2J~]

We didn't go by one particular style of parenting. We just did what we found worked for our family. We did do some things that could be considered AP but also some things that are not. We breastfed and coslept until our daughter was two but we also spank. We found that CIO didn't work for us with our daughter (though we aren't opposed to using it with another child). We found out what not only worked best for our daughter but for the family as a whole. We didn't have any husband/wife intimacy problems with cosleeping - in fact I would say we had it better than most in that department . We also have never had any problems with our daughter being clingy.

I would try not to to set in stone the way you are going to parent before the baby is here. If my husband and I had stuck to the notions we had before our daughter was born we would have had a very miserable household. I think the key to a happy family is to be flexible to what works best for the family and not stick to something because "such and such book said we need to do it this way".

 

[RedTulipMom]

I have read tons of books on both sides, both on AP and on CIO, scheduling, Ezzoing, Ferberizing etc. In the end i guess i ended up being mostly AP. I dont like to label my parenting. I do what my instincts tell me is best for my son based on his personality traits. My son started out in a cradle next to my bed. I breastfeed and it was inconvenient so i started just bringing him in bed after a couple weeks. Since he liked going to bed at 7pm no matter how hard i tried to keep him up later, it didnt work bringing him to bed with me in the early part of the evening because i am a night owl and go to bed much later. So i started putting him in his swing to fall asleep and he would sleep there till he woke up to eat at 11 or 12 or whenever and at that point i would bring him in bed with me for the night. Then he outgrew the swing and started sleeping in his crib. Right now he is 9 and 1/2 mos old and he goes to bed around 8pm and i still breastfeed and he sleeps in his crib till he wakes up during the night and then i bring him to bed with me the rest of the night. He still wakes up 1-4 times per night to bf. Last night was the first time EVER that he slept all night without waking and i was shocked. He slept from 8:30pm till 7am this morning. I was shocked when i woke up this morning and he was still in his crib. I don't trust my husband not to roll on him so we have our bed pushed up against the wall. My son sleeps between me and the wall with blankets against the wall so he dont bump his head.
I do have a sling and a baby bjorn and i used it once in awhile the first 6 mos, like at the mall or on a walk, but didnt use it just around the house. I carry him in the house. I do use a stroller now. He does have a bouncy chair, a johnny jump up, an exersaucer, and a swing. So i use lots of contraptions, but also spend alot of time holding him too, though now that he is getting older he doesnt want to be held as much. I enjoy my bonding time breastfeeding him. I will wean him when he is between 13-16 mos, somewhere in there, atleast that is my plan. He doesnt like the pacifer or suck his thumb..he uses me as a pacifier. I have never and will never let him CIO. I just couldnt do it. It just seems unnatural to me. I feel like if an infant is crying they are hungry, thirsty, sick, tired, need a diaper change or need cuddling!! I have had major sleep deprivation due to my choice of parenting but it is a sacrifice i am willing to make for my child. I think all kids are different and you have to go with your instincts. My baby was 5 weeks premature and i feel he needed the co-sleeping and attachment to me.
I have a 16 yr old son and didnt know much back then and his personality is different. He was a night owl and a great sleeper. I didnt breastfeed him. He slept through the night in his own crib from 2 mos old and he didnt like to cuddle much. He was different than this baby and i was younger. But it worked for him!
karen

 

[marciebaby]

It really depends on the child. My Rochelle was a colicky baby, and attachment parenting worked great with her. She really needed to feel close and secure. AJ came two years later, and attachment parenting was a nightmare with him. He needed to be held constantly. I couldn't set him down, even for a second. Even if he was asleep, no matter how long he had been asleep, he would wake up crying the second I set him down. He had to sleep ON ME. I couldn't cook dinner, I couldn't spend adequate time with my 2 year old. It was just tooooooooo much.
I finally started letting him cry it out when he was 9 months old. What a nightmare!! But he really is better for it. This child just needs lots of boundaries and structure to function.

 

[Kiwi]

Interesting there is a name for this style of parenting. I know an American lady who is doing the co-sleeping thing, didn't know there was a whole philosophy behind it. Well my first daughter was wonderful and sleep through the night from 2 months onwards. She never sleep in our bed, although she did sleep in our room till she was 8 months, in her own cot. But daughter number two has been a nightmare sleeper, she is still waking up in the night 2 or 3 times at nearly 8 months. We have been trying the cry it out method but she can keep going for an hour. I though maybe she has something physically wrong but as soon as you go to her she stops immediatly. Anyway eventually she usually ends up in our bed just so we can get some sleep but she doesn't seem to make much difference, she is not interested in feeding and wiggles and wiggles. My huband and I are like walking zombies. We havn't had a full nights sleep since she was born. I just want a full nights sleep.

 

[rakkoon]

I also do AP. with my 8 month old son. My husband and I researched this by reading Dr Sears books. My husband insisted that he wanted the best for our children, we wanted to do what our parents did not do for us. He is 100% satisfied with AP. When I am unable to wear our son my husband will either hold or wear him. I do BF and will continue to do so until he is 2 years old possibly alittle older. My son does sleep with us, it was just nerve racking to have him sleep in his crib because I kept thinking about "Crib death."
My oldest daughter who is now 15 y/o did sleep with me when she was a baby for the same reason. When she got older (3 y/o) she decided on her own she no longer wanted to sleep in my bed but rather wanted her own bed. I wanted to BF but my mom was totaly against it (I was 15 y/o), I've regretted it ever since.

 

[Mrs. Enigma]

Our 1 and a half year old sleeps in our room, and part of the night in our bed. She still nurses at night. The 5 and 3 year olds habve there own rooms, but when they were 1 they also slept in our room, spending part of the night in our bed. I am a stay at home mom. I homeschool, and we do spank in our training, and I do not have a problem with kids doing things on their own, and learning to entertain themselves, so I do not know what we would be classified as.

 

[Leanna]

I am anti-AP at least in its extreme form for many reasons already mentioned by others. I agree with andiesmama mainly.

I cuddle my son, hug and dote on him all day long. But I do not "wear" him and consider it to be an invaluable skill for a child to be able to entertain themselves and be independent. He gets plenty of love and attention and so I see nothing wrong with allowing him to learn to be an independent person, after all isn't that the goal of parenting? At night he sleeps in his own bed so that my husband and I can be more than mommy and daddy. I don't understand the controversy over the "CIO" method because it isn't an issue for me. My son had to cry it out at first, until he learned to put himself to sleep, but after he learned that there is no crying needed. He knows the schedule, when he is tired he gets crabby and so I lay him down and he cries a little bit its almost for show "mommy, I don't want to nap when I could be playing with toys!" but he knows he needs a nap so he goes to sleep after minimal crying. At night when he goes to bed, he "talks" not cries, I hear him on the monitor "babamamamamada" etc. When he's hungry and we just got out of the car, sometimes he throws a fit. He kicks and screams and thrashes around when I set him on the floor. I simply tell him "David babe, I love you and mommy knows you're hungry. I am going to make food now, but you can wait here, okay?" Sometimes he stops crying, sometimes he continues to scream. I cannot get food ready while holding him and I am not going to try. He knows I feed him, he will survive until the food is ready. I love my son, and I spend a lot of time giving him physical touch like all babies need to thrive, but I feel that AP is stifling a child's ability to crawl, explore, learn to walk, learn to entertain themself, and in general become a working member of society as a child rather than a needy older child. But if other people want to do it another way, that's okay with me. My son is doing great, he just turned 8 months last week and he is already walking while holding onto the furniture. Instead of fostering AP, I want to foster a love of reading in my son (and future children) because that is very valuable

 

[Leanna]

I would also like to add that when he wakes up in the middle of the night and cries, I wait 2 minutes. Sometimes he wails and then goes right back to sleep. If it lasts longer than 2 minutes then I go in and check if he is wet (ie, if the diaper has leaked) and rub his back without takig him from the crib. This is enough to calm him down and I tell him "its too early to get up, hon, go back to sleep" and after a few minutes I go back to sleep. Sometimes he does cry for a while after that, soemtimes not. He has gotten used to this method since I applied it from day one.

 

[ShannonMcCatholic]

I feel that AP is stifling a child's ability to crawl, explore, learn to walk, learn to entertain themself, and in general become a working member of society as a child rather than a needy older child. But if other people want to do it another way, that's okay with me. My son is doing great, he just turned 8 months last week and he is already walking while holding onto the furniture. Instead of fostering AP, I want to foster a love of reading in my son (and future children) because that is very valuable

Of course science disagrees with you- babies who are "worn" actually tend to be MORE coordinated, rather than less. Babies who are securely attatched to their parents (which is not about a method at all- but rather when the child knows that they can depend on mom and dad, which it sounds like you are fostering with your son!)-actually tend to be more independent as toddlers and older children.

Fostering AP is in no way exclusive of teaching our children to love reading and books( which is a very worthy goal)- my 7 year old loves to read and ALL of my children love to be read to and enjoy books immensely.

 

[MyLittleWonders]

I would also like to add that we (my dh and I) aren't trying to foster independence in our children (we are AP). We are trying to raise them with a sense of interdependence - upon each other, upon us as their parents, and upon God as their Father. I want my children to understand they exist within our family and as such, they need to learn to recognize and respond to the needs of each other. If someone is crying, we respond. If someone is hurt, we respond. To us, mom and dad may be tired, but if someone calls out in the middle of the night (either with words or with crying), we get up and tend to their needs. Both of my sons were worn (I still sling my younger son); both developed physically very well (the younger one was walking at 10 months even though he was in the sling most of the time). They are also learning about boundaries within the family, house, and world. They love reading. And I believe they feel secure in their spot in the family. For us AP works. For us AP makes complete sense. AP does not mean we give into their every whim. AP does not mean that we spoil them or that they manipulate us (not saying anyone here has said that; but that is commonly what I hear from people). For us, AP means learning our children, watching what makes them tick, listening to them closely, and most importantly, imo, responding to them when they call. Leanna, your example of putting your son down to prepare something to eat, in my opinion, is an example of AP - you know his needs, you are letting him know you know his needs, and you are meeting them to the best of your ability as quickly as possible. I do that with my sons too. "Mommy is getting your water right now; I know you are thirsty. You just have to wait a second ... here you go ... that's better." It's letting them know that you are in tune, so to speak, with what the need and want, and letting them know you are trying to meet those needs.

 

[Leanna]

I hate to be diagreeable, but I haven't read any scientific evidence to show that babies who are "worn" reach these milestones early or at the same time as average. Of course I don't have any scientific evidence the other way and I'm not going to search the internet for some lame site thats really someones opinion, so all I really have is my experience and logic. HOWEVER, when you say, "babies who are securely attached to parents actually tend to be more independent as toddlers" I am right there with you on that one. There are a lot of ways to do that without being AP though.

I know reading has nothing to do with it. I was just being silly... l

 

[jazzbird]

I hate to be diagreeable, but I haven't read any scientific evidence to show that babies who are "worn" reach these milestones early or at the same time as average. Of course I don't have any scientific evidence the other way and I'm not going to search the internet for some lame site thats really someones opinion, so all I really have is my experience and logic. HOWEVER, when you say, "babies who are securely attached to parents actually tend to be more independent as toddlers" I am right there with you on that one. There are a lot of ways to do that without being AP though.

I know reading has nothing to do with it. I was just being silly... l

the benefits of babywearing
- Babywearing enables the mother to be acutely aware of her baby's cues and signals and heightens her perception of her child's needs

- Babywearing reduces crying and fussiness by up to 51%, with parents feeling more competent and nurturing toward their children.

- Being in close physical contact with a parent provides a baby with a rich learning environment where all of their most important needs can be met - food, warmth, love and touch

- Babies who are carried learn more, stimulating brain development and expanding their future learning potential.

- Babywearing increases cardiac output, improves circulation, promotes respiration and aids in digestion.

- Babywearing provides the exact level and kind of stimulation an infant requires, energizing their nervous system and creating a quiet, calm alertness in the infant.

- Babywearing decreases the levels of stress hormones circulating in a baby's blood stream, resulting in a more relaxed, happy baby

- Frequently carried babies fall asleep quickly and will usually sleep deeper and for longer periods of time in the comfort of their sling.

- Babywearing develops the muscles needed for the infant to sit, stand and walk.

- Babywearing enhances motor skills by stimulating the baby's vestibular system (balance organs) by exposing the baby to a variety of sights, sounds and motion,.

- Babies worn in slings feel safe and secure which helps to foster a solid sense of self.

- Babywearing offers easy access to the infant's food source - mothers' breast milk, without having to stop or sit down.

source:http://www.instinctiveparenting.com/flex/baby_wearing/44/1

Here is some info from Dr. Sears' website about babywearing (his site is pretty un-lame, btw )

THE BENEFITS OF BABYWEARING
1. Sling babies cry less....In 1986, a team of pediatricians in Montreal reported on a study of ninety-nine mother-infant pairs. The first group of parents were provided with a baby carrier and assigned to carry their babies for at least three extra hours a day. They were encouraged to carry their infants throughout the day, regardless of the state of the infant, not just in response to crying or fussing. In the control, or noncarried group, parents were not given any specific instructions about carrying. After six weeks, the infants who received supplemental carrying cried and fussed 43 percent less than the noncarried group.

Anthropologists who travel throughout the world studying infant-care practices in other cultures agree that infants in babywearing cultures cry much less. In Western culture we measure a baby's crying in hours, but in other cultures, crying is measured in minutes. We have been led to believe that it is "normal" for babies to cry a lot, but in other cultures this is not accepted as the norm. In these cultures, babies are normally "up" in arms and are put down only to sleep – next to the mother. When the parent must attend to her own needs, the baby is in someone else's arms.

2. Sling babies learn more. If infants spend less time crying and fussing, what do they do with the free time? They learn! Sling babies spend more time in the state of quiet alertness . This is the behavioral state in which an infant is most content and best able to interact with his environment. It may be called the optimal state of learning for a baby. Researchers have also reported that carried babies show enhanced visual and auditory alertness.

The behavioral state of quiet alertness also gives parents a better opportunity to interact with their baby. Notice how mother and baby position their faces in order to achieve this optimal visually interactive plane. The human face, especially in this position, is a potent stimulator for interpersonal bonding. In the kangaroo carry, baby has a 180-degree view of her environment and is able to scan her world. She learns to choose, picking out what she wishes to look at and shutting out what she doesn't. This ability to make choices enhances learning. A sling baby learns a lot in the arms of a busy caregiver.

3. Sling babies are more organized. It's easier to understand babywearing when you think of a baby's gestation as lasting eighteen months – nine months inside the womb and at least nine more months outside. The womb environment automatically regulates baby's systems. Birth temporarily disrupts this organization. The more quickly, however, baby gets outside help with organizing these systems, the more easily he adapts to the puzzle of life outside the womb. By extending the womb experience, the babywearing mother (and father) provides an external regulating system that balances the irregular and disorganized tendencies of the baby. Picture how these regulating systems work. Mother's rhythmic walk, for example, (which baby has been feeling for nine months) reminds baby of the womb experience. This familiar rhythm, imprinted on baby's mind in the womb, now reappears in the "outside womb" and calms baby. As baby places her ear against her mother's chest, mother's heartbeat, beautifully regular and familiar, reminds baby of the sounds of the womb. As another biological regulator, baby senses mother's rhythmic breathing while worn tummy- to-tummy, chest-to-chest. Simply stated, regular parental rhythms have a balancing effect on the infant's irregular rhythms. Babywearing "reminds" the baby of and continues the motion and balance he enjoyed in the womb.

What may happen if the baby spends most of his time lying horizontally in a crib, attended to only for feeding and comforting, and then again separated from mother? A newborn has an inherent urge to become organized, to fit into his or her new environment. If left to his own resources, without the regulating presence of the mother, the infant may develop disorganized patterns of behavior: colicky cries, jerky movements, disorganized self-rocking behaviors, anxious thumb sucking, irregular breathing, and disturbed sleep. The infant, who is forced to self-calm, wastes valuable energy he could have used to grow and develop.

While there is a variety of child-rearing theories, attachment researchers all agree on one thing: In order for a baby's emotional, intellectual, and physiological systems to function optimally, the continued presence of the mother, as during babywearing, is a necessary regulatory influence.

4. Sling babies get "humanized" earlier. Another reason that babywearing enhances learning is that baby is intimately involved in the caregiver's world. Baby sees what mother or father sees, hears what they hear, and in some ways feels what they feel. Carried babies become more aware of their parents' faces, walking rhythms, and scents. Baby becomes aware of, and learns from, all the subtle facial expressions, body language, voice inflections and tones, breathing patterns, and emotions of the caregiver. A parent will relate to the baby a lot more often, because baby is sitting right under her nose. Proximity increases interaction, and baby can constantly be learning how to be human. Carried babies are intimately involved in their parents' world because they participate in what mother and father are doing. A baby worn while a parent washes dishes, for example, hears, smells, sees, and experiences in depth the adult world. He is more exposed to and involved in what is going on around him. Baby learns much in the arms of a busy person.

5. Sling babies are smarter. Environmental experiences stimulate nerves to branch out and connect with other nerves, which helps the brain grow and develop. Babywearing helps the infant's developing brain make the right connections. Because baby is intimately involved in the mother and father's world, she is exposed to, and participates in, the environmental stimuli that mother selects and is protected from those stimuli that bombard or overload her developing nervous system. She so intimately participates in what mother is doing that her developing brain stores a myriad of experiences, called patterns of behavior. These experiences can be thought of as thousands of tiny short-run movies that are filed in the infant's neurological library to be rerun when baby is exposed to a similar situation that reminds her of the making of the original "movie." For example, mothers often tell me, "As soon as I pick up the sling and put it on, my baby lights up and raises his arms as if in anticipation that he will soon be in my arms and in my world."

I have noticed that sling babies seem more attentive, clicking into adult conversations as if they were part of it. Babywearing enhances speech development. Because baby is up at voice and eye level, he is more involved in conversations. He learns a valuable speech lesson – the ability to listen.

Normal ambient sounds, such as the noises of daily activities, may either have learning value for the infant or disturb him. If baby is alone, sounds may frighten him. If baby is worn, these sounds have learning value. The mother filters out what she perceives as unsuitable for the baby and gives the infant an "It's okay" feeling when he is exposed to unfamiliar sounds and experiences.

 

[jazzbird]

Here's one more snippet from a Dr. Sears article:

Some parents worry that baby-wearing may result in overly dependent babies, a diminished desire to crawl, or "spoiled" behaviors. On the contrary, in our experience and that of others, carried babies actually turn out to be more secure and more independent. Because they have grown through early infancy with a secure home base, these children learn to separate more easily than others and with little separation anxiety. Nor do carried babies show diminished motor development. In fact, carrying may actually enhance a baby's overall neurological development: the energy-sparing effect of reduced crying and the calming effect of the motion seem to contribute to a more organized neuromuscular system and a well-developed motor capacity. Concerning spoiling, one mother who wears her baby put it this way: "She's not spoiled, she's fresh!"

http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m0838/is_n50/ai_6976670/pg_2

 

[MyLittleWonders]

Great info! Thanks for sharing jazzbird.

 

[Hisrosebud]

OK, hope I am not too late to enter this topic.

I have a 17 year old son. Never heard of AP when I had him, I was 20 years old. He slept with me, and get this even when I became a single parent! Oh my gosh, the comments that I got. I held him too much, nursed him too often.

My son walked at 10 months old--- nothing stiffled.
Around 5th grade, I told him on school nights that he had to sleep in his own room. I was uncomptfortable that puberty might be approaching.(Best rule of parenting; if you're not comptfortable, don't do it-for the most part).
He is a junior in High School. Interdependent and independent. On the High honor roll most terms. Looking at a college close to home because it offers one of the best criminal justice programs in the nation. Confident, sometimes too much so. Loving, helpful to my younger children.

When did he leave my bed on the weekends? After I married my husband we let him sleep with us on a Friday night. Too chunky adults and a 12 year old boy in a single bed! HEHEHEHEHE, he never came back!

and yet when he needs to talk, or something is going on in his life; he still climbs into bed and talks.

Then I read Dr. Sears! I fell in love with his theory. That and a book, I forget the title that talks about america being a touch starved nation. The book talked about how people look to bad relationships, sexual relationships, drugs, food etc. because they are aching to be touched. Then I read books about infant massage and was stunned to find out that other countries massage their infants as instinct.

I wanted to do AP parenting, but my husband thought it was too weird. Or at least the one woman that he knew in our church that did AP was weird. LOL

We compromised, bought a CO-sleeper. They attach to your bed with belts going under your mattress. Keeps your doctor happy; they don't like babies in bed. Keeps a nursing mom happy.

Sex is not ever a problem......
course there was that one time my oldest son started to walk in. . . a lock on our door went up.

Didn't use the sling, my chest gets in the way and it was uncomptfortable. Loved a snuggly. With my last two children; was told I held them too much. Was told to let them cry it out.

me, can't do it. Seems to me that crying is the only way an infant can call me. I don't judge others, like I said before, you got to do what works for you and your husband.
pray. research. you're doing the right things.

Just wanted to add my 2Cents because my 17 year old co-slept and is an absolute blessing to us and others around him. IM me if you want to.

Jane

 

[Hisrosebud]

oh, and about my husband. . . . . guess where he is right now? In my 5 year old's bed.
hehehehe.

He says it's about balance. Somedays he's there and somedays he's in his bed, but if I kept track, he's mostly with the kids.

Jane

 

[MyLittleWonders]

Jane,
Thanks for sharing your story! What a great personal testimony ... you sound like a great mom. Your oldest son is how I hope my boys turn out ...

 

[Leanna]

Well. In conclusion, you have to find the kind of parenting that works for you. It is probably more about personality than anything. Do what makes you comfortable.

 

[kellykelley]

A lot of people say they AP and dont. AP is not anti-discipline it got it's name form Dr. William Sears and his wife Martha(an rn). To them it means paying attention to your children. Babies can't manipulate you and they dont' cry to make you mad and no crying doesn't strengthen their lungs. They cry because they need something. Remember babies can't do anything for themselves and they cry to someone will take care of them they also can't runaway from danger so they feel safer next to you. I didn't hear the term AP until sarah was 18 months old I just followed my instincts. If she rooted then she was hungry and its way easire to latch a baby on that is just hungry not crying form the hunger. I carried her a lot because she seemed happier. Remember babies are people too and they enjoy moving around too so they don't get bored.
As far as strain on marriage adding children does that even wtih out ap so the parenting has nothing to do with it. Sarah co-sleeps even now so if we need alone time we use another room or put her in her toddler bed. If you are creative you can still have couple time around a baby and remember if you work together it's not a burnden to love and raise a baby. They grow up fast and if you miss it you will never get the baby years back but you can look forward to empty nest days with no regrets.

To learn about AP I recommend Attachment Parenting by Dr. Sears. Just read it it makes sense and its what I read when SArah was 18 months and I heard the term for the first time. He is a pediatrician so he is not super crunchy or granola and most of his info is first hand they have 8 kids.

AP isn't letting your kids run wild, it's not eating organic, it's not anti-anything except cio. It is child centered but makes allowances for different people and children.

KK