Attachment Disorder

[NotUrAvgGuy]

It has been shared with me in counseling (in the past) that I may have suffered from Attachment Disorder as a child. My Mom was an alcoholic soon after I was born and remained one actively through almot my senior year in high school. I grew up in a dysfunctional home with a lot of emotional distancing. I had 3 siblings but barely spent any time with them and we rarely did things as a family. This all left me very shell-shocked (PTSD) and by the time I was old enough to date I was way too shy and had no confidence. I hardely dated and did not go out on a single date from age 22-28. I was successful, athletic, good looking, nice but had almost no social life. I kept to myself and busied myself with hobbies and church but did not socialize at church. I did eventually met someone and rushed into a marriage. Not rushed in terms of time but in hindsight, I had not yet dealt with my past and I believe she suffered from something similar. Neither of us was prepared for marriage and we ended up in a cold and distant marriage that eventually led to a divorce (there is a lot more to that story but not going to get into that now).

I am not 64 and have been divorced for 16 years during which I have hardly dated. I have a Christian woman who likes me and wants to date. I like her but still wonder if I am capable of a relationship. I know I don't have strong emotions. I think the stress of my childhood emptied me of emotions. In situations like that you tend to numb your emotions to survive. It is like the old Simon and Garfunkel song, "I am a rock, I am an island. For a rock feels no pain, and an island never cries." Or, as Pink Floyd put it, "I have become comfortably numb."

I can like someone but never feel close to them emotionally. I feel like they could walk out of my life at any moment and I would be ok. Maybe even relieved. I am not drawn to affection or intimacy although in the proper context I am not againt them but I would not say I am drawn to them. I have never been social and do quite well alone. Dating has always been tough because I never know what to invite them to do. I am so used to doing everything alone and am mostly a homebody. A lot of socializing are activities built around talking. You go out to dinner, go for a walk, take a drive, go to the Farmer's Market mostly as something to do while you talk. You might go to a concert or play because you like the activity, but the only reason to go with someone is if you want to share the experience and have company. If you are content doing those things alone and not much of a talker, then inviting someone along is just not that important.

I have gone out with her twice and we get along fine. I like her but now struggling with things to do and fearful that I am wasting her time. Yes, it is her decision to make, but I fear I will never provide her with the emotional support one looks for in a relationship.

My question is, do I give it time and see what happens, or tell her now what I am like and let her decide if she wants to invest the time to learn more?

 

[JonasDaniels]

It has been shared with me in counseling (in the past) that I may have suffered from Attachment Disorder as a child. My Mom was an alcoholic soon after I was born and remained one actively through almot my senior year in high school. I grew up in a dysfunctional home with a lot of emotional distancing. I had 3 siblings but barely spent any time with them and we rarely did things as a family. This all left me very shell-shocked (PTSD) and by the time I was old enough to date I was way too shy and had no confidence. I hardely dated and did not go out on a single date from age 22-28. I was successful, athletic, good looking, nice but had almost no social life. I kept to myself and busied myself with hobbies and church but did not socialize at church. I did eventually met someone and rushed into a marriage. Not rushed in terms of time but in hindsight, I had not yet dealt with my past and I believe she suffered from something similar. Neither of us was prepared for marriage and we ended up in a cold and distant marriage that eventually led to a divorce (there is a lot more to that story but not going to get into that now).

I am not 64 and have been divorced for 16 years during which I have hardly dated. I have a Christian woman who likes me and wants to date. I like her but still wonder if I am capable of a relationship. I know I don't have strong emotions. I think the stress of my childhood emptied me of emotions. In situations like that you tend to numb your emotions to survive. It is like the old Simon and Garfunkel song, "I am a rock, I am an island. For a rock feels no pain, and an island never cries." Or, as Pink Floyd put it, "I have become comfortably numb."

I can like someone but never feel close to them emotionally. I feel like they could walk out of my life at any moment and I would be ok. Maybe even relieved. I am not drawn to affection or intimacy although in the proper context I am not againt them but I would not say I am drawn to them. I have never been social and do quite well alone. Dating has always been tough because I never know what to invite them to do. I am so used to doing everything alone and am mostly a homebody. A lot of socializing are activities built around talking. You go out to dinner, go for a walk, take a drive, go to the Farmer's Market mostly as something to do while you talk. You might go to a concert or play because you like the activity, but the only reason to go with someone is if you want to share the experience and have company. If you are content doing those things alone and not much of a talker, then inviting someone along is just not that important.

I have gone out with her twice and we get along fine. I like her but now struggling with things to do and fearful that I am wasting her time. Yes, it is her decision to make, but I fear I will never provide her with the emotional support one looks for in a relationship.

My question is, do I give it time and see what happens, or tell her now what I am like and let her decide if she wants to invest the time to learn more?

You're far more average than you suppose brother. Very few of us escape our childhoods unscathed. And many if us carry those wounds throughout our entire lives.
I'm not unlike you, not a great childhood, even worse adulthood. Many failed relationships, and very much a loner.
Not to belittle your current circumstances by any means, but I have to ask. Where does Christ fit into your story?

I've known the Lord Jesus since the early 90's, and walked closely with Him for a few years way back when. But it is only since my last earthly relationship ended, that my heavenly one has blossomed. At this point in my journey, it would be nice to have a companion indeed. But I don't even think that's in the cards for me, actually I know it is not. And I have never been more at peace. Each new day, Father God reveals His deep love for me, in ways that far surpass any love I have ever known, and the love I have for Him grows accordingly. Its a truly beautiful thing.

 

[Godcrazy]

It has been shared with me in counseling (in the past) that I may have suffered from Attachment Disorder as a child. My Mom was an alcoholic soon after I was born and remained one actively through almot my senior year in high school. I grew up in a dysfunctional home with a lot of emotional distancing. I had 3 siblings but barely spent any time with them and we rarely did things as a family. This all left me very shell-shocked (PTSD) and by the time I was old enough to date I was way too shy and had no confidence. I hardely dated and did not go out on a single date from age 22-28. I was successful, athletic, good looking, nice but had almost no social life. I kept to myself and busied myself with hobbies and church but did not socialize at church. I did eventually met someone and rushed into a marriage. Not rushed in terms of time but in hindsight, I had not yet dealt with my past and I believe she suffered from something similar. Neither of us was prepared for marriage and we ended up in a cold and distant marriage that eventually led to a divorce (there is a lot more to that story but not going to get into that now).

I am not 64 and have been divorced for 16 years during which I have hardly dated. I have a Christian woman who likes me and wants to date. I like her but still wonder if I am capable of a relationship. I know I don't have strong emotions. I think the stress of my childhood emptied me of emotions. In situations like that you tend to numb your emotions to survive. It is like the old Simon and Garfunkel song, "I am a rock, I am an island. For a rock feels no pain, and an island never cries." Or, as Pink Floyd put it, "I have become comfortably numb."

I can like someone but never feel close to them emotionally. I feel like they could walk out of my life at any moment and I would be ok. Maybe even relieved. I am not drawn to affection or intimacy although in the proper context I am not againt them but I would not say I am drawn to them. I have never been social and do quite well alone. Dating has always been tough because I never know what to invite them to do. I am so used to doing everything alone and am mostly a homebody. A lot of socializing are activities built around talking. You go out to dinner, go for a walk, take a drive, go to the Farmer's Market mostly as something to do while you talk. You might go to a concert or play because you like the activity, but the only reason to go with someone is if you want to share the experience and have company. If you are content doing those things alone and not much of a talker, then inviting someone along is just not that important.

I have gone out with her twice and we get along fine. I like her but now struggling with things to do and fearful that I am wasting her time. Yes, it is her decision to make, but I fear I will never provide her with the emotional support one looks for in a relationship.

My question is, do I give it time and see what happens, or tell her now what I am like and let her decide if she wants to invest the time to learn more?

I appreciate how honest you are. That is the first step. You have to be honest, especially to those in her position too. Without honesty you get nowhere not even in a healthy relationship.

It seems to me that you might actually be an introvert of sorts by nature. Or maybe a little of both. I am so sorry for your childhood. I had a turbulent one too but I had many things that were okay and I had good help. Of course you will have a problem with trust after going through all that. You might find it helpful to look into attachement theory and find out where you are at. You will have something to work with, and see where in your daily life you repeat the same pattern. The subconscious is where it snows as it runs most of our life to 90% where we put all experiences down especially the bad ones and patterns we learned early. The trick is to see the patterns, make them conscious, because when we see the subconscious patterns we don`t repeat them anymore. Otherwise, we are subconsciously programmed to and drawn to create the same scenarios as we lived in as a child, in order to finally solve it. That is how it works. And the familiar seem so familiar even though it is painful. That is another reason. So making the patterns conscious is very important. Make a journal what you experience and feel and think. That way you can analyse it and also work through.
It is not your fault, you were taught a certain pattern. The numbness is pain you learned to suppress. The more you work with yourself the more feelings will surface.
And with that,pain. You have to sit with it, take it to the root and see the pattern, from there cry, cuddle what ever you need and fill yourself. working with your self esteem and self worth.
you should know there is help to get and at a rate you can afford a lower rate. Check better help online they have therapists that work with you, and that can be matched to what you need, and they work with affordable reduced rates. It is done online so you don`t have to worry. Do yourself a service, and look into it. you can feel much better than you do now and it is the road out to the relationship you seek. Then you can do that and take it slow with that other person in the meantime.

Protect your inner peace first, and love yourself enough to seek the right help so you can love others in turn. That is how it works. The bible say, love others LIKE yourself.

 

[Godcrazy]

I also recommend Carl Jung, and Alice Miller. you can find alot of Jung on youtube. you will learn a lot

 

[Godcrazy]

You can also use somatic healing therapy. Works with release the blocked feelings in your nervous system and muscles.

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

Thank you for your thoughtful response. I have been in therapy many times with many different therapists and types of therapists. I have tried it all. They all have concluded that I know myself extremely well and they have had no insights I haven't considered. In the end they encourage me to find what happiness I can and not worry about being someone/something else. Accept who I am and enjoy life. For me, seeing the patterns has not provided any change. I have been this way my entire life so I really don't know anything different.

 

[Godcrazy]

Thank you for your thoughtful response. I have been in therapy many times with many different therapists and types of therapists. I have tried it all. They all have concluded that I know myself extremely well and they have had no insights I haven't considered. In the end they encourage me to find what happiness I can and not worry about being someone/something else. Accept who I am and enjoy life. For me, seeing the patterns has not provided any change. I have been this way my entire life so I really don't know anything different.

If you have been that way all your life it is a part of your personality style. I guess introvert come in different shades, beautiful shades too. Like a lavender meadow with all kinds of purple. I would think like, what do I really, truly want to change, and write a journal and thoughts. If I notice something is stopping me more than helping me or happy me then I would go for it personally. But if you are happy, you shouldn`t try to change. (not talking about taking things out on others here) why can`t we just.. accept everyone as they are, love them, anyway. ask questions instead of jump, be open. Do you think this might be part of the equation, that others do not? I have said it many times and I say it again, introverts go best with other introverts because at least we understand each other,and leave each other be when need to,no pun. we understand the workings of that. we need it for our health sake.

 

[Godcrazy]

Nothing better than knowing yourself by the way. That should be God though

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

If you have been that way all your life it is a part of your personality style. I guess introvert come in different shades, beautiful shades too. Like a lavender meadow with all kinds of purple. I would think like, what do I really, truly want to change, and write a journal and thoughts. If I notice something is stopping me more than helping me or happy me then I would go for it personally. But if you are happy, you shouldn`t try to change. (not talking about taking things out on others here) why can`t we just.. accept everyone as they are, love them, anyway. ask questions instead of jump, be open. Do you think this might be part of the equation, that others do not? I have said it many times and I say it again, introverts go best with other introverts because at least we understand each other,and leave each other be when need to,no pun. we understand the workings of that. we need it for our health sake.

I don't know what my personality style really is since I was born into a dysfunctional home with an alcoholic mother. I was raised in that environment so it shaped me from birth. Would I have been like this had my mom not been an alcoholic? I don't know. I may have been a little less extreme in some respects. That hardest part being born into it is that you never knew anything different. You can't think back on what it used to be like. You have always been a certain way. In some ways you may not even want to change because you have no personal knowledge of what "different" would be. To you it is just theory. People say you have to first want to change but if you don't even know what that change would bring, you can't really have much of an opinion on it.

Maybe I really am as happy as I can be and any thoughts of being happier are mistaken?

 

[Godcrazy]

I don't know what my personality style really is since I was born into a dysfunctional home with an alcoholic mother. I was raised in that environment so it shaped me from birth. Would I have been like this had my mom not been an alcoholic? I don't know. I may have been a little less extreme in some respects. That hardest part being born into it is that you never knew anything different. You can't think back on what it used to be like. You have always been a certain way. In some ways you may not even want to change because you have no personal knowledge of what "different" would be. To you it is just theory. People say you have to first want to change but if you don't even know what that change would bring, you can't really have much of an opinion on it.

Maybe I really am as happy as I can be and any thoughts of being happier are mistaken?

well, even i grew up in a dysfuntional abusive household where they tried to kill me several times and had to run for my life. Plenty of abuse in all directions for years and bullying. But I did notice something that I was content in my own company regardless, things like being able to sit for hours enjoy my own company playing. That is classical introvert. The core. So I definitely believe we have a core personality despite of abuse. Then things can have been strengthened, or not. Brains are definitely wired differently despite abuse, if you add abuse it probably gets worse. well if you don`t know what else there are, try explore it deliberately. to see. to find out. what ever context and situations. I don`t think personality style the core root is destroyed but still functioning, some bits can be suppressed. That is what i think. As they say trying to get to know onself by exploring new ways and situations..
I grew up with narcissists that have little empathy ability, I have heard alcoholics can be similar traits. It might be worth looking into ,Dr ramani is one, rebecca mandeville another. she talks about scapegoating. The emptiness inside sure comes from not having needs met and be seen and heard. we have to give ourselves what we did not have. Difficult,but..

yes the brain is wired to seek the same relational dynamics, "to finally solve it to finally get the needs met". It is in the subconscious. working with making the subcounscious conscious. check Carl Jung. It takes time, years, to reprogram the brain. some say hypnotherapy goes faster and more effective. well I guess, a christian hypnotherapist might do.
As it works with the subconscious. And a christian would know where to go and not
That might be an option.
suppressed pain must be dealth with. somatic therapy can bring the stuffed emotions in the body up. which causes numbness, and or emptiness. Sorry if I sound like a record I have said it but it really is important. we also have to re parent ourselves, by ourselves.

I suggest taking one year a time from your childhood thinking back tuning in, maybe feelings or thoughts are coming up. Note them, what ever comes. Somatic therapy you work with this the early child works in pictures, symbols and art. music. If you can, speak to people that knew you different ages or early. It can help. Asking how you were like, what happened. to trigger memory. me myself remember almost everything. you most likely felt very unsafe. and not wanted. I know I did. or very unstable safety can`t count on getting needs met. wanting warmth, stability. normal needs. anger is tied to it many suppress it. it is not wrong to feel or epress, in safe environment. has to come out. the key is keep thinking back to release. feel where in the body is another.

 

[Godcrazy]

Regarding core traits and introversion again the difference how you re charge your batteries, how much social you can endure, how much superficial. it is all there. core traits. they don`t change just can be suppressed

 

[Godcrazy]

another thing you are not broken there is just distortion covering up pain and wounds that is it. Let God help in the process. it is a process. reach for the help you need

 

[Godcrazy]

I think of the examples in the bible take David he had to run for his life from the family. clearly narcissism there and even possession. or Joseph.