I still have a hard time believing in most things,
I can share with much of what you are saying because during the last few months I have been experiencing difficulties with things "religious" which I had taken for granted mainly because of my upbringing .
I wonder , whether like me , the root of what you are experiencing is to be found in the images and concepts that the word "GOD" creates within us . The images we have of "GOD" are nothing but that . They are images . Some of them may be false . Some of them may be near the truth . But the images are never the reality . They are visual representations of a reality we can never understand . I like that part of the 1992 Catechism which refers to "GOD" as "The inexpressible , the incomprehensible , the ungraspable" .
I feel that the whole belief structure built around me has been dismantled . But that does not worry me . As a cradle Catholic I have come to realise after decades of "belief" that , if I am honest with myself , my beliefs have been second-hand , belief by proxy . And that is no longer good enough . I have a need for my beliefs to be genuinely mine , coming from my experience of life and speaking authentically to me within my given life situation .
Some words are particularly pertinent to me at the moment , and I need to rest in those words . The words of Jesus during the storm : " Quiet now ! Be calm ! " The words of the Psalmist : " Be still and know that I am God ! "
So I take one day at a time . I don't struggle or get uptight , but I must admit that I have a confidence and a peace which I did not have before . The "trappings of second-hand religion" having been taken from me or discarded by me , I don't know which , has left me in a position where I am naked before that Source who is the Source of all that exists . I await patiently for whatever will flow to me from that Source , and I do not despair . The more I reflect on this , the more my attitude becomes one of thanksgiving towards the Dator Munerum , the Giver of gifts , for all is gift .
Soon after this period of unknowing began I was looking in the small library at the back of church . I spotted two books , " Why Pray ? " by Mark Gibbard and " Why Go To Church ? " by Father Timothy Radcliffe O.P. By some coincidence they were just what I needed . They speak very much to me in a non-judgemental way , accepting that we do doubt and question , and that it is no bad thing for our growth .
I am sorry if all this is drivel to you . I post it in case it helps .
If it helps you might find some of the talks and lectures by Timothy Radcliffe on Youtube beneficial . I find them refreshing .
Thanks for your honesty , and don't think you are alone . I am beginning to see light at the end of the tunnel , and you will I am sure . Far be it from me to put myself anywhere near that light of the 20th Century , Mother Teresa , but we do now know that she experienced doubts and struggles over her religious beliefs for nearly 50 years until her death . She felt no presence of God whatsoever , neither in her heart or in the Eucharist . She expressed grave doubts about God's existence and pain over her lack of faith . So perhaps you are in good company .
Take heart !
