Aspie vent

[JennyPenny901]

I'm a Christian with Asperger's and I will now vent... I'm going to share basically my life story so this post will be rather long... When my Mom got pregnant worth me my parents weren't married. My Mom and Dad didn't plan me the only one who planned me was GOD. My Mom is pregnant in the wedding pictures so I guess you could say I'm in the wedding pictures. They only got married to please my Dad's parents who are ministers in the Salvation Army.... Fast forward a tad I'll share a few memories. It was drilled into my head from day one by my parents and the rest of the family to not say no, don't talk back and to do as I'm told and be quiet. It was drilled into my head that I was never to share my thoughts and feelings with others that I was to keep everything inside always. I had a very strict bringing up with so many rules and I had to literally march around the house. My Dad never tucked me in at night, never told me a story, never told me I was pretty or smart or that he was proud of me or that he loved me. My Mom never read to me at night either. When I told my Dad I was afraid of the dark he said "what's not there in the light is not there in the dark go to sleep." Both my parents and most of my family members have called me weird to my face. My Dad has told me that he is ashamed of me. My Dad never spent quality time with me in fact he seemed to work very hard at avoiding that. My Dad taught me that GOD was a very strict mad being who would strike lightening down on people for any reason.... When I went to school I was bullied the whole time. I've been called retarded and short bus. I've been kicked, shoved, spat at, slapped, had my hair pulled, punched, had things thrown at me and the list goes on. The kids at school told me I was ugly. The teachers said I was unlearnable. I remember my Mom once waking me up for school and I was so afraid to go I couldn't move.... Fast forward some more. When I turned 13 my parents divorced. I still don't fully understand it and I'm not sure I wanna understand it. I remember feeling so confused, hurt, angry and I got mad at GOD and I turned my back on Him. I stopped reading my Bible, I no longer prayed and I didn't go to Church anymore. I started swearing like a sailor, made rude and crude jokes and no one told me this behavior was wrong. Thankfully I never did drugs. I didn't drink until I was 21. But when I did drink I would get drunk a lot and I was vastly becoming an alcoholic but no one said it was wrong my Mom would get drunk with me and called me her drinking buddy. My Mom remarried she married a man named Danny who she is still married to. Danny is a non-believer, bi-polar, manic depressive, alcoholic, verbally abusive, controlling, manipulative and perfectionist. Danny truly believes he is always right all the time and everyone else is wrong one of his favorite sayings is "agree with me or be wrong." Danny also truly believes he is literally perfect he has said and I quote "what can GOD give me that I don't already have and what can GOD tell me that I don't already know?" With Danny everything must be his way all the time and everyone must agree with him all the time if that doesn't happen he yells, slams doors, belittles, name calls, bangs walls, slams things and sometimes throws things. He says I'm an eighty percenter. I've been living with this 13 years 14 this September. I walk on eggshells constantly every day..… 5 years ago 6 this June I had planned to run away from home. I had no destination in mind I just wanted to go. But the Lord kept prompting me to go to the Church so I prayed for the first time in years and I said that someone had to be there for me to talk to or I was going to keep walking. I found a deacon at the Church and I talked with him. He told me about Celebrate Recovery which I joined...... Fast forward to today. I'm still in CR, I read the Bible, I pray, I worship GOD and I go to Church regularly. I no longer sware or tell any rude or crude jokes. I no longer get drunk. I'm not mad at GOD anymore. Still I have struggles. I also have depression. Some days with it are better then others. Its hard though I tried once to talk a sister in Christ about it I just wanted to vent and she said that I just need to think happy thoughts. Not helpful. I went to CR once feeling miserable and just letting myself feel it as I'm forced to put on act where I live smile and pretend I'm happy at all times and forcing happiness when I'm in a deep depression makes it worse it makes it hurt inside. So at CR I was just letting out bottled up feelings when I was told to smile and put on a happy face. So now I just put on an act everywhere which I'm so sick of doing. One time I tried talking with a sister in Christ about my Asperger's again I just wanted to vent. She said I just need to overcome it. I'm so sick and tired of having to keep changing and who I am just to try to fit in. I feel like who I am isn't good enough for anyone and I must somehow change into someone else. I feel ugly I don't even like looking at myself in the mirror. I feel like I'm stupid I can't keep up with everyone else. I feel like I'm weird like I'm a freak. I feel like I always stand out like a sore thumb. I feel alone. I feel like no one understands me. I feel inferior to everyone. I feel useless like I can't do anything I'm good for nothing..... I also struggle with father issues. Fathers day is the hardest day of the year for me. I know GOD is my Father but I don't know how to have a father daughter relationship Him. I dunno what a healthy father daughter relationship even looks like. I have prayed for an earthly dad who will love me but I think that might be the wrong thing to pray. I look up to my Pastor as a father figure but I know there are boundries and I dunno if GOD is OK with me looking up to my Pastor like that... I've also been trying to find work. Not easy. I dunno how to make a resume or even what a resume even is or what it looks like so I never made one. I struggle with applications most of the time when I try to fill them out its all guess work trying to figure what do I put and where I find them very confusing. I've never had a good inteview. I'm unable to read facial expressions or body language or social cues. Can't even read tone of voice as I'm tone deaf so everyone sounds monotone to me. I'm told I speak in monotone and that my disability is very noticable in my voice. I've tried working on sounding different but I always sound the same. Also eye contact is uncomfortable for me I'm working on it but still not good at it. I also have a blank expression most of the time I'm trying to be more expressive but without success. So needless to say I'm still unemployed. I have no money of my own at all.... I turn 29 this September 1st. So that's it that's my vent. Thank you for letting me share.

 

[Bookmaker]

Hi Jenny,

Your parents, upbringing and experiences read very much like my own. My dad was similar to yours and probably even more similar to Danny. I am quite sure that my dad (now deceased) had Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). If you think about it, narcissism is the nature of evil. Satan himself is quoted in the Isaiah 14 as saying,

“How you are fallen from heaven,
O Lucifer, son of the morning!
How you are cut down to the ground,
You who weakened the nations!
For you have said in your heart:
‘I will ascend into heaven,
I will exalt my throne above the stars of God;
I will also sit on the mount of the congregation
On the farthest sides of the north;
I will ascend above the heights of the clouds,
I will be like the Most High."

The best way to deal with a narcissist is to get away from them and don't look back. 2 Timothy 3 says,

But know this, that in the last days perilous times will come: For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, unloving, unforgiving, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, despisers of good, traitors, headstrong, haughty, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having a form of godliness but denying its power. And from such people turn away!

I was also similar to you in how I was affected being raised in such a household. I went into therapy for two years to learn how to set boundaries, have healthy relationships, etc. That made a big difference for me. My first marriage had failed and I wanted to be sure that I could be the best possible father to my two daughters. I think I've done a pretty good job.

Being a target for bullies both outside of the home and inside seems to be part and parcel of being an aspie. Take heart though, because if you belong to Christ, He will finish the good work He began in you!

One thing I have been successful with is employment, so if you want someone to review your resume I would be pleased to do that.

I will certainly pray for you and I hope others here will also. Always remember that God values you so much that he sent His Son to die for you. What does that say about your value!

{{{{HUG}}}}

P.S. One of the things I used to struggle with is the commandment to honor our parents. How does one honor dysfunctional and harmful parents? I finally decided that the best way I can honor them is to be the best person I possibly can.

 

[JennyPenny901]

Hi Jenny,

Your parents, upbringing and experiences read very much like my own. My dad was similar to yours and probably even more similar to Danny. I am quite sure that my dad (now deceased) had Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). If you think about it, narcissism is the nature of evil. Satan himself is quoted in the Isaiah 14 as saying,

“How you are fallen from heaven,
O Lucifer, son of the morning!
How you are cut down to the ground,
You who weakened the nations!
For you have said in your heart:
‘I will ascend into heaven,
I will exalt my throne above the stars of God;
I will also sit on the mount of the congregation
On the farthest sides of the north;
I will ascend above the heights of the clouds,
I will be like the Most High."

The best way to deal with a narcissist is to get away from them and don't look back. 2 Timothy 3 says,

But know this, that in the last days perilous times will come: For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, unloving, unforgiving, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, despisers of good, traitors, headstrong, haughty, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having a form of godliness but denying its power. And from such people turn away!

I was also similar to you in how I was affected being raised in such a household. I went into therapy for two years to learn how to set boundaries, have healthy relationships, etc. That made a big difference for me. My first marriage had failed and I wanted to be sure that I could be the best possible father to my two daughters. I think I've done a pretty good job.

Being a target for bullies both outside of the home and inside seems to be part and parcel of being an aspie. Take heart though, because if you belong to Christ, He will finish the good work He began in you!

One thing I have been successful with is employment, so if you want someone to review your resume I would be pleased to do that.

I will certainly pray for you and I hope others here will also. Always remember that God values you so much that he sent His Son to die for you. What does that say about your value!

{{{{HUG}}}}

P.S. One of the things I used to struggle with is the commandment to honor our parents. How does one honor dysfunctional and harmful parents? I finally decided that the best way I can honor them is to be the best person I possibly can.

Thank you for your reply its very helpful. I found your reply encouraging. Sorry I have no answer to your question and I wish I did.... I want to confess something. About 3 or 4 years ago I started praying for an earthly dad. I know GOD is my Father yet I know He is also my husband and I know many sisters in Christ who pray for a husband I figure if they can pray for a husband I can pray for a dad. So I did and so I thought my prayers were answered with a yes when I met my Pastor. For his anonimity I'll call him Pastor T. I saw him as a father figure right from the day I met him it just seemed natural. I then e-mailed his wife whom I will call D. Well D said basically that it was inappropriate and since he is a Pastor there are boundaries and plus he would be to busy for me being a Pastor and he already has two kids whom I will call Sunshine and E and he's also a Christian comedian and an author but D told me I could e-mail him Bible questions and talk with him after services if I wanted but that's as far as it could ever go. Though I understand her answer it wasn't what I was hoping for and it confused me as I honestly thought GOD sent Pastor T into my life as an answer to my prayer for an earthly dad. I had talked to a fellow Aspie about it she also has father issues (I will add here that she is a Mormon and around my age and I'll be 29 this September) anyways and she said that she had someone she looks up to as a father figure and calls him dad and stuff and no one says its wrong. I also talked with a sister in Christ whom I will call K about this. K said her own kids who are also Christians (around my age) also have father and mother figures and they call them mom and dad and send them cards and they send cards and stuff like that and no one says its wrong. I also know of a brother in Christ (around my age) who looks up to a fellow sister in Christ as a mother figure and calls her mom and stuff and no one says its wrong. I don't understand why I can't call my father figure dad and stuff like that. Maybe it's because he's a Pastor I dunno. Please pray for me about this I wanna call him dad and stuff cause to me Pastor T is my dad and that's as natural to me as breathing.

 

[S.O.J.I.A.]

I think the thing that many of us as aspies need is contentment.

I went through all the stuff you mentioned more or less. parents who failed in that regard, socially exiled at school, estranged from my family, etc. been there, done that, got the T-shirt.

one of the things the LORD gave me when he saved me 4 years ago was contentment. I still have no friends and I work a job that I hate. still, I'm ok. not smiling ear to ear, but I have a good measure of peace about my life. finding out the neurological reason for how my life has gone helped too which happened just a couple weeks ago.

may I suggest that you pray for the LORD to be your dad(psalm 27:10)? that you would find your worth, value, and identity in Him. That is what a father is supposed to do in affirming these things in you and the LORD is more than willing to do this if you ask for it in prayer.

also, try to be a servant in your church. Don't dwell on what you can't do but look to what you can do. I'm pretty much invisible at my church, but I help clean up after fellowship meals and empty the trash cans after church. I also go out on evangelistic outings and pass out flyers. I know these things aren't that impressive to other people but I don't seek to be validated by other people, I seek and I have validation from the LORD using what He has given me to be as much of a good and faithful servant to Him as I can.

 

[NIrelandGillian]

You've had a difficult life, Jenny. How are things now? Do you have any support from anywhere?

Gillian