Aspergers Advice?

[Kazamataz]

Hi i recently started chatting with a girl at my church. she told me that she has aspergers.
she's a lovely person but i find it hard to communicate with her. when she said she had aspergers i understood a whole lot more why she acts the way she does.

but i wondering if anyone could give me some advice on how to communicate better with her and how to make her feel comfortable?

 

[drifter5]

In what ways do you find it difficult to communicate with her please ? Just being caring and friendly goes a long way , and means alot. I have Asperger's and would love to help advise you if i can.

 

[Kazamataz]

Thanks heaps for replying.

Well she's very closed and only ever gives one word answers. she always holds her bible close to her chest and sometimes when we chat she'll dig her nails into her bible. this usally happens if more than one person trys to talk to her.

i wasnt sure if this was just normal for a person with her condition or if there was something i could do to make her feel comfortable and relaxed.

i try to talk to her about everyday things for example:

how was your week?

how's the kids? (she's a nanny for four young girls)

got any plans for the coming week?

all that sort of thing.

am i on the right track? is there anything else i could do to show her that i care and i want to be her friend?

 

[drifter5]

Thanks heaps for replying.

Well she's very closed and only ever gives one word answers. she always holds her bible close to her chest and sometimes when we chat she'll dig her nails into her bible. this usally happens if more than one person trys to talk to her.

i wasnt sure if this was just normal for a person with her condition or if there was something i could do to make her feel comfortable and relaxed.

i try to talk to her about everyday things for example:

how was your week?

how's the kids? (she's a nanny for four young girls)

got any plans for the coming week?

all that sort of thing.

am i on the right track? is there anything else i could do to show her that i care and i want to be her friend?

Personally, i find small talk difficult , as i think many people with A.S do. I like in- depth conversation, mostly. I am naturally on edge and tense alot of the time, and find conversation very challenging, as do many folk with A.S. I find talking to more than one person at a time even more difficult. I tend to find it hard to read ,(especially subtle), facial expressions, body language, and eye communication, so this makes communication tough for me , and for others with A.S. If people are relaxed and comfortable with me , i find that this helps me to relax more. I like others to accept me as i am , to treat me naturally, and to be friendly. People with A.S sometimes have sensory problems, too, which can make being in a group very uncomfortable. I have sensory hypersensitivity, which means that i find noise, bright lights, heat, (etc) , makes me feel stressed , and aggitated. I find it easier to go somewhere quite at church to talk , if possible. I have often felt lonely, and it has made my day when someone has just said hello, and smiled at me ! Try not to worry and just be yourself with this dear lady. I hope that some of this is helpful. ( Folk with Asperger's / autism are all individuals , of course, like everybody is.) I Pray that God will guide you in your conversations with this dear lady. Ask The Lord to help you. God wants to help us with all things. God loves us SO much , and He cares about even the smallest details of our lives! PRAISE THE LORD! May God bless you richly for your care , concern and love.

 

[uniquetadpole]

People with AS tend to have a special interest or two... if yu want to begin to break through that communication bearrier see if you can find out what her special interest is... she may not even call it her special interest... but I know when people begin to talk about any of mine...my walls come down and I relax more and am more open to talking. Although... sometimes we go overboard according to NTs with our special insterest... so be warned if you open a can of worms don't expect her to be the same with something you are interested in...we tend to get stuck in that interest. LOL

I hope you are able to find a way to communicate with her... and the one word answers are probably because she is not aware that you are looking for more than one word answers... try asking questions that don't have a yes or no answer. ANd I agree with drifter... the weather is one of those topics that seem ridiculous to talk about... I mean if you want to know the weather look outside...why are we supposed to talk about it? Anyway... I am aware that is it supposed to be an ice breaker...I just find it more annoying than relevant. And I have made the effort to use weather to start conversations...but then I get stuck so I gave up on it. I would much prefer a meaningful deep conversation... what most NT's tell me is draining and heavy to them... for me seems real andnot fluff. What is odd is that lately I am finding that Ihave learned enough NT style of communication that I have discovered that I use it as a shield/wall... and in working at my communications over the years I have ended up being more closed off towards others with a masque of openness. It is almost like I simply moved that wall inwards and covered it with a layer of NTness (for lack of a better word). I am still working this all out so I could be totally wrong here.

Well in the choas I just wrote I hope you can get something out of it.

Tad

 

[Arenlor]

People with AS seem to have a tendency towards nice logical cold computers (and chatting with people online) maybe get her IM and talk to her over that.

 

[drifter5]

Due to problems ,for people with A.S , with face-to face communication it is often easier communicating online. However , i greatly value it when people are friendly at Church , etc, and when they do not ignore me. So this is important too. Folk with A.S are NOT cold , we ARE human , and have the same emotions as everyone else. We may just express these differently sometimes , that is all.

 

[Kazamataz]

Thanks heaps guys all your advice has really helped!

It was her birthday today and on sunday i asked her if she wanted to do something with an other of the girls at church who've been trying to get to know her.

She didnt answer on sunday but then later on sent a text message to my friends cell saying she would like to have breakfast before church on sunday!

so i'm taking that as a good sign.

Thanks for the advice on small talk, i guess i was just trying to break the ice but you are right talking about the weather and such is totally boring! i'm gonna try and find out some of her interests and then talk about those things.

Bless ya's all :0)

 

[Kazamataz]

Hey All just thought i would give you an update on how things are going.

So i took your advice and did away with the surface questions.
I found she loves playing cello and scrapbooking.

So i've been talking to her about those things and as a result she has opened up about more deeper things that are going on in her life.

for example if life is getting hard she scrapbooks it all down to help her express her feelings. we started to talk about the scrap books but then she went into detail about what she actually writes/draws in them.

I really feel like we are connecting!

also last sunday at church she was able to have a conversation with 4 other girls and not look uncomfortable!

I thought this was a huge achievement and I owe it all to the grace of God! He is doing so much in her life and it's so exciting to be able to be apart of it.

 

[drifter5]

Hey All just thought i would give you an update on how things are going.

So i took your advice and did away with the surface questions.
I found she loves playing cello and scrapbooking.

So i've been talking to her about those things and as a result she has opened up about more deeper things that are going on in her life.

for example if life is getting hard she scrapbooks it all down to help her express her feelings. we started to talk about the scrap books but then she went into detail about what she actually writes/draws in them.

I really feel like we are connecting!

also last sunday at church she was able to have a conversation with 4 other girls and not look uncomfortable!

I thought this was a huge achievement and I owe it all to the grace of God! He is doing so much in her life and it's so exciting to be able to be apart of it.

This is wonderful ! PRAISE THE LORD !

 

[uniquetadpole]

Hey All just thought i would give you an update on how things are going.

So i took your advice and did away with the surface questions.
I found she loves playing cello and scrapbooking.

So i've been talking to her about those things and as a result she has opened up about more deeper things that are going on in her life.

for example if life is getting hard she scrapbooks it all down to help her express her feelings. we started to talk about the scrap books but then she went into detail about what she actually writes/draws in them.

I really feel like we are connecting!

also last sunday at church she was able to have a conversation with 4 other girls and not look uncomfortable!

I thought this was a huge achievement and I owe it all to the grace of God! He is doing so much in her life and it's so exciting to be able to be apart of it.

I am so glad you feel progress. That is important in order to keep going.

Scrapbooking is a very very good way for us Aspies to express our feelings that get all jumbled up... I do collages that help me...in fact I have a huge body collage... and it has mostly animals pics all over...it has told me alot about me that I didn't know... I began understanding animal symbolism after my art therapist started sharing some with me in relation to this boady collage. Like the animals in my stomach area generally represent intutiion and spirituality... and sine they are quite a number of them all in the stomach (gut) area...that says I have strong intution...and I began looking at that and learning lots about myself. I am sure she is learning lots of spiritual things about herself through her scrapbooks.

Another thing that might help you connect to her...is to ask her to teach you, or help you make a scrapbook...a small one... I bet she would like to do that.

Tad

 

[Kazamataz]

I am so glad you feel progress. That is important in order to keep going.

Scrapbooking is a very very good way for us Aspies to express our feelings that get all jumbled up... I do collages that help me...in fact I have a huge body collage... and it has mostly animals pics all over...it has told me alot about me that I didn't know... I began understanding animal symbolism after my art therapist started sharing some with me in relation to this boady collage. Like the animals in my stomach area generally represent intutiion and spirituality... and sine they are quite a number of them all in the stomach (gut) area...that says I have strong intution...and I began looking at that and learning lots about myself. I am sure she is learning lots of spiritual things about herself through her scrapbooks.

Another thing that might help you connect to her...is to ask her to teach you, or help you make a scrapbook...a small one... I bet she would like to do that.

Tad

thats an awesome idea i never thought of that!

getting her to help me scrapbook will also help me to spend time with her away from church.

whenever we hang out, outside of church it's usually in a cafe.

also i really want to learn how to do scrapbooking so it's good for both of us :0)

 

[eatenbylocusts]

That is awesome that you are helping her to be more comfortable.

 

[KJSSJK]

I think it's pretty awesome how you are being pro-active in helping her feel welcome and accepted - that combined with the work that God is doing in her life will surely help her along her spiritual journey.

Keep up the good work!

 

[Kazamataz]

That is awesome that you are helping her to be more comfortable.

I think it's pretty awesome how you are being pro-active in helping her feel welcome and accepted - that combined with the work that God is doing in her life will surely help her along her spiritual journey.

Keep up the good work!

Thanks heaps guys! God is doing so much in my friends life on sunday we were having a chat and she said to me.

"i never used to think i was good enough for church, but now i see i am!"

That was such a blessing to me, she really struggles with fitting in and i was really happy to see that God is making her feel comfortable and she knows is good enough to be in church.

the funny thing is that just about everyone struggles with fitting in.

I am seeing more and more that just because she has Aspergers doesn't mean she doesn't struggle with the same things everyone else does.

Alot of people treat her like she's strange or weird because of her mental illness.
But to me i'm slowly starting to not even notice her condition that much, she's just like everyone else!

And Jesus loves her, so do i!

 

[swill8295]

Ok, if you want to communicate with her effectively, I might be able to give you a few helpful pointers. Don't be excessively outgoing around her or stare her down. If you look at her while you are talking, she might look down to the ground and be flustered. It's not because she's a liar, but probably because you might be making her nervous. Find something she is really interested in, and try not to talk about soemthing boring like the weather, unless she is obsessed with it. Keep going on about what she likes, and don't get offended. You must keep in mind that she uses her face differently than a neurotypical. She doesn't use her face to show gratitude or warm emotions necessarily, but uses her face for very meat and potatoes broken down communication, such as showing you that she's alive, or that she's slightly interested in what you are talking about, or really frustrated. Don't be offended if she shows a lack of warmth, and keep in mind that she's not trying to anger you by being narrowminded. If she doesn't understand your jokes, it's not because you aren't funny, or because she's a mean spirited person, stupid, slow, but most likely because she doesn't is not ready for a joke, or her brain isn't really wired for the joke you are telling. And, just as telling a black person to stop being black is ineffective, pressuring an autistic person for being narrow minded or not having a sense of humor is equally as ineffective. Remember that if she gets any strange facial expressions, they probably don't mean what you think they mean. Her face is simply an unused, stationary, computer output, only used for basic communication. May I repeat, don't stare her down. In fact, don't look at her while you're talking to her at first until you get to know her. Oh, and one more thing - if she shoves out of a room abruptly while many people are there, it is not because she's psycho or angry at you, but because she's very nervous or she's experiencing a sensory overload. People like this have a harder time managing many senses at once, or many different things going on at once. If several people try to talk to her at once, and question her, she might look down and altogether ignore them and refuse to speak because she is paralyzed. If she's like this, don't goad her, or pressure her into talking.

 

[drifter5]

People with autism are human - just like everyone else ! We have the same thoughts and feelings too ! We may just appear different in some ways !

 

[Timuchin]

You may get tired of hearing about scrapbooks, though. We focus on interests far more than a neurotypical can stand. We are interest-oriented rather than people-oriented. We can't be "opened up" and change to become normal. Our thinking will always be unusual.

A lot of our shyness and insecurity comes from being expected to become normal in a world designed for normals. No matter how hard I tried to "act normal", neurotypical people would eventually either get frustrated, bored or suspicious -- and leave.

I made up a business card for myself that has a shortened version of the DSM4 diagnosis of Apsergers on one side and what we usually excel at on the other side. I hand it out on the first or second social visit, so people will cut me slack. The Aspergers guys I meet with love them, too.

 

[swill8295]

You may get tired of hearing about scrapbooks, though. We focus on interests far more than a neurotypical can stand. We are interest-oriented rather than people-oriented. We can't be "opened up" and change to become normal. Our thinking will always be unusual.

A lot of our shyness and insecurity comes from being expected to become normal in a world designed for normals. No matter how hard I tried to "act normal", neurotypical people would eventually either get frustrated, bored or suspicious -- and leave.

I made up a business card for myself that has a shortened version of the DSM4 diagnosis of Apsergers on one side and what we usually excel at on the other side. I hand it out on the first or second social visit, so people will cut me slack. The Aspergers guys I meet with love them, too.

Hey, that's a good idea.

 

[Cooch]

Can you share here?