Asking myself what I'm getting out of all this

[seekingmuch]

I'm praying for you hardcore tonight. I have a feeling he's got something special in store for you. He loves you like you wouldn't believe. That much I know for sure. Oh, he delights. He's delighting in you right now if you'll open your eyes and see.

Thank you so much, and thank you everyone else who has prayed. I read where God will turn your hard work into gold so I claimed it. I said, "God, you said it so I'm holding you to it." Despite the hell I've lived in most of my life, I have faith.

In 30 months, I've written 16 novels and released 13. I've sold 2,000 copies. But, with God's Gold promise, I can sell millions and be the "salt of the earth" he said we are. I told God, "I am sick of working for others and making them money. I'm 49 and have no financial security or medical. It is time I start seeing the fruits of my labor." Had a lot of dreams about "graduating from high school" (usually denotes success is coming). I don't want it for the fame. The money would be nice so I could write even more. I plan on writing the day I croak.

I am not good as subtle things because of my childhood. I was the sensitive child and all the emotional abuse that happened to me did not endear me to life. Been talking with a therapist and am seeing some benefits to not hating myself.

The good thing is I can switch things on and off with ease. I discovered God actually liked me and loved me not tolerated me being around so I'm not mad at him anymore. Was I really mad at him in the first place? No, I was mad at the one penecostals preached about. That one can stick it!

As far as church, honestly, it just doesn't appeal to me. Unless I have someone to go with, I will not set foot in another one. I simply don't want to experience that lonely feeling again. I can watch on tv or go online.

 

[seekingmuch]

I started going to online church.

Seacoast Church
Life.Church Online
Celebration Church | Live

These are just some options. I'm not lecturing you. I'm not wagging my finger at you.

I really enjoyed the teaching and the people of Seacoast. I always went to the live teaching. If you want, you can talk to other people who are watching it live with you. If you don't, that's ok too.
<3

Thank you for the offer. I will check out Seacoast. )

 

[seekingmuch]

You're not subtle. Guess what. God is. He's so silky, buttery, smooth and subtle...

There's another problem since God is subtle. I take Latuda for my Bipolar, and it is an antipsychotic, which blocks things like voices (the echo us Bipolar's call it---I am glad it is gone!!!!) and changes how you feel. Bipolar is very much tooo much emotion. So, me trying to hear God is like me putting a shot glass against the wall and trying to hear what's on the other side of the wall. Another Bipolar said the same thing almost with relation to "feeling" God (probably hearing him, too). That person said it is like God doesn't exist anymore to him.

 

[stormdancer0]

In all the years I've been Pentecostal, I have NEVER heard anything that remotely implied that God is a jerk. You've had some bad church examples.

Also, emotions will lie to you. You cannot trust emotions. Sometimes you have to believe as an act of will. Perhaps since you have the bipolar, God chooses to approach you in another area, rather than emotions.

Have you ever passed someone at a store, and the thought popped into your head, "That person looks like he could use a cup of coffee"? That's God, giving you direction. The more you help others, the closer you will "feel" to God. But feelings or not, He is always right there. Just trust that He loves you, and live like you're loved and treasured.