Aromantic.

[MehGuy]

I personally don't view myself as aromantic, but I'm not sure how else to title it.

Does anyone else there find that they are unable to fall in love with others? I'm such a person.

In general, I've always felt like I am a thousand miles from everyone. Ever since I was 6 years old (when I started becoming self-aware of things), I've felt this way. Receiving hugs from people, I felt nothing. Even social workers gave me psychological tests. My mother said even when I was a baby, I wasn't receptive with hugs and whatnot, and preferred to be by myself.

Growing up I noticed my peers developing crushes on each other yet I never did. Despite really, really, really wanting too. Now in my 30s I still haven't. I can develop infatuation for women who are pretty, but it never becomes any deeper than that.

I'm not content being this way. I'd love to be married, but I've just never made sense of it. It's not fair to me or the other person to get into a relationship if nothing is there. I've had a few women who liked me, and I tried my hardest to develop feelings for them... but it never came.

I am able to feel empathy for other people though. Occasionally some people accuse me of being a psychopath because I'm "cold". But I'm not. In fact, I struggled with a lot of guilt growing up, and am able to feel bad and care for others. Just never seem to be able to develop a deeper connection. Certainly not capable of falling for a significant other.

Just curious if other people experience similar struggles.

Sometimes I wonder if other people are just faking it. I listened to a song yesterday where the lyrics were questioning such a thing. Maybe more people are in the same boat than I realize.

 

[Sabertooth]

That sounds like alexithymia to me.

 

[MehGuy]

That sounds like alexithymia to me.

I don't think I have that. On the contrary I think I'm pretty self-aware and introspective when it comes to my emotions. I was highly spiritual when I was a theist. Like I used to feel intense emotions almost 24/7, but they really had nothing to do with feeling connected to other people. Heck, I never was able to feel God's love so many other Christians talked about and was more leaning into deism when I finally became an atheist. A strange mixture of intense empathy, yet still feeling distant. Feelings, yet having feelings in a more "mechanical" way.

I hope I'm making sense. The last few days I've been in a weird headspace. Had a falling out with a woman I've been talking to for a while. One I tried to feel closer to for almost a year, but to no avail. Although I was upfront about this problem with her from the start. I feel kind of bad still.. like she was just some experiment to me. She seems to have the opposite problem as me.. feels way too close to people.

 

[angelsaroundme]

Your behavior as a child makes me wonder if you have Asperger's. Since you spent most of the post talking about romance it is difficult to say. I think Asperger's traits are more objective with family and friends than romance. Romantic issues could be a result of many things not relating to any condition. Many people's romantic commitment issues stem from their parent's relationship, other relationships they've seen, the state of marriage in general, etc.

At any rate, people with Asperger's report being aromantic more so than those without Asperger's. A common journey for someone on the spectrum is being different from others when you are young. Their behavior may seem confusing. Then, when you are older, you understand other people better yet you still don't experience things the same way.

 

[Sabertooth]

Aspies can go either way. I grew up in a huggy family and crave affection. So do my ASD2 & 3 children.
But ASD "theory of mind" issues may be at play here.

 

[Trusting in Him]

Just stop trying to anylise who you are trying to be and be yourself. My wife and I just got to know each other as friends. I honestly had no idea that she was interested that way in me. When she told me, I did not know what to say and had to pray about it before doing anything about it. Love is not always an instant thing. It takes times for feelings and trust to grow.

My wife and I started off as best buddies and we still are. She had to at one time go into Hospital for a serious operation and she nearly died. I thought that I was coping with this quite well, but I soon started to become really messed up. Your really know that you are meant to be together, when you find that you can't live without them and that's how you know.

Men are not always the one's who are the most emotional in starting a lasting relationship, often it's the other way round. Do you think that men are always good at starting relationships, well sorry but women are the glue which binds society and families together and usually it's the women that choose the men and not the other way round.

Relationship which develop too fast often don't last. Attraction and commitment have very little to do with sex, but it's all to do with two people who just know that they are right when together with each other. Don't give up! When the right one come along, you will know and there will be no doubt!

 

[MehGuy]

Your behavior as a child makes me wonder if you have Asperger's. Since you spent most of the post talking about romance it is difficult to say. I think Asperger's traits are more objective with family and friends than romance. Romantic issues could be a result of many things not relating to any condition. Many people's romantic commitment issues stem from their parent's relationship, other relationships they've seen, the state of marriage in general, etc.

At any rate, people with Asperger's report being aromantic more so than those without Asperger's. A common journey for someone on the spectrum is being different from others when you are young. Their behavior may seem confusing. Then, when you are older, you understand other people better yet you still don't experience things the same way.

Yeah, the social workers heavily suspected autism... but they could never come to a decisive conclusion. They ended up only labeling me with an unspecified language disorder. One social worker told my mother that I was very odd. I think they really wanted to label me as autistic, but I just didn't really fit into some of the criteria. This was the 90 though... so maybe the knowledge about autism was still crude.

Personally though... I don't really think I have it.

 

[MehGuy]

This is the song I was thinking of... although maybe I'm interpreting the lyrics incorrectly... still.

When I ask about love it seems like I get a million incoherent answers.

 

[Citizen of the Kingdom]

Yeah, the social workers heavily suspected autism... but they could never come to a decisive conclusion. They ended up only labeling me with an unspecified language disorder. One social worker told my mother that I was very odd. I think they really wanted to label me as autistic, but I just didn't really fit into some of the criteria. This was the 90 though... so maybe the knowledge about autism was still crude.

Personally though... I don't really think I have it.

Autism and asperger syndrom are on the spectrum but has been clumped together in the scale as #1 of the 1-3 spectrum, leaving out the term asperger and just calling it high functioning autism, which shouldn't have been done as it has different symptons. Usually AS means highly intelligent but lacking social skills. My granddaughter has been diagnosed with it and I can recognize her lack of expression of emotions in what you say.

I should add that her ability to make friends remains limited to a few very close friends that are also internet wizzes (both boys and girls), so to make a judgement about emotions is difficult because the loyalty level of that crew is off the charts. I would love to know more about AS. Too soon for romantic love altho she speaks to me about liking girls more than boys so don't know where that will lead romantically but it's still head knowledge.

 

[Landon Caeli]

I personally don't view myself as aromantic, but I'm not sure how else to title it.

Does anyone else there find that they are unable to fall in love with others? I'm such a person.

In general, I've always felt like I am a thousand miles from everyone. Ever since I was 6 years old (when I started becoming self-aware of things), I've felt this way. Receiving hugs from people, I felt nothing. Even social workers gave me psychological tests. My mother said even when I was a baby, I wasn't receptive with hugs and whatnot, and preferred to be by myself.

Growing up I noticed my peers developing crushes on each other yet I never did. Despite really, really, really wanting too. Now in my 30s I still haven't. I can develop infatuation for women who are pretty, but it never becomes any deeper than that.

I'm not content being this way. I'd love to be married, but I've just never made sense of it. It's not fair to me or the other person to get into a relationship if nothing is there. I've had a few women who liked me, and I tried my hardest to develop feelings for them... but it never came.

I am able to feel empathy for other people though. Occasionally some people accuse me of being a psychopath because I'm "cold". But I'm not. In fact, I struggled with a lot of guilt growing up, and am able to feel bad and care for others. Just never seem to be able to develop a deeper connection. Certainly not capable of falling for a significant other.

Just curious if other people experience similar struggles.

Sometimes I wonder if other people are just faking it. I listened to a song yesterday where the lyrics were questioning such a thing. Maybe more people are in the same boat than I realize.

I'll tell you what I think love is. When I first met my wife, her hand grabbed my hand, and I felt like she needed me to help her. She was pretty too.

...So naturally, I protected and looked after her, and that was my purpose. As time went on, we began to rely on each other fully, and we trusted one another to the point that each would die for the other if necessary.

That's what love is in my opinion - someone you've come to fully trust and depend on. Which is a process.

 

[Landon Caeli]

Same for my children. I would instantly jump in front of a moving bus to save their lives. That is love.

 

[RileyG]

What is love to you?

 

[RileyG]

Autism and asperger syndrom are on the spectrum but has been clumped together in the scale as #1 of the 1-3 spectrum, leaving out the term asperger and just calling it high functioning autism, which shouldn't have been done as it has different symptons. Usually AS means highly intelligent but lacking social skills. My granddaughter has been diagnosed with it and I can recognize her lack of expression of emotions in what you say.

I should add that her ability to make friends remains limited to a few very close friends that are also internet wizzes (both boys and girls), so to make a judgement about emotions is difficult because the loyalty level of that crew is off the charts. I would love to know more about AS. Too soon for romantic love altho she speaks to me about liking girls more than boys so don't know where that will lead romantically but it's still head knowledge.

This is correct. "Asperger's" is no longer used in the DSM-V, which came out in 2013.

 

[Sabertooth]

This is correct. "Asperger's" is no longer used in the DSM-V, which came out in 2013.

Agreed, but we in the autism community still use Aspergers as a colloquialism for ASD1.

Autlanders, Thriving Outside of the Box: Autism Subtypes...

 

[Citizen of the Kingdom]

This is correct. "Asperger's" is no longer used in the DSM-V, which came out in 2013.

True but there still seems to be a gap in the meanings between high functioning autism and aspergers that is not being addressed from that 2013 ruling from what I can tell.

 

[Sabertooth]

True but there still seems to be a gap in the meanings between high functioning autism and aspergers that is not being addressed from that 2013 ruling from what I can tell.

Informally, we call that ASD1.x.

 

[Citizen of the Kingdom]

Informally, we call that ASD1.x.

Interesting that they would minimalize the difference to such an extent. Especially when studied out it seems quite separate.

 

[Citizen of the Kingdom]

Sorry for contributing to derailing the thread. Maybe you just haven't met the right person considering your emotions previously felt

I was highly spiritual when I was a theist. Like I used to feel intense emotions almost 24/7, but they really had nothing to do with feeling connected to other people.

 

[ozso]

Yeah, the social workers heavily suspected autism... but they could never come to a decisive conclusion. They ended up only labeling me with an unspecified language disorder. One social worker told my mother that I was very odd. I think they really wanted to label me as autistic, but I just didn't really fit into some of the criteria. This was the 90 though... so maybe the knowledge about autism was still crude.

Personally though... I don't really think I have it.

Well that experience shows you have something that's probably neurological rather than phycological. Whether it's autism, or nonverbal learning disorder, or pervasive developmental order - not otherwise specified etc, it amounts to basically the same result. Six of one and a half dozen of the other. I had all my testing done in 1971, so of course they didn't come up with anything definitive. I call it Aspergers or high functioning autism, because it's close enough to it. I've been on an autism forum for a long time and I certainly can relate to many there, so again close enough.

 

[MehGuy]

What is love to you?

I'm not sure. In the past I've called it "personality love". Loving someone primarily for who they are on the inside. Probably a throwback to my old Christian days when I was told by others and believed myself in the concept of a "one true love".

As for my own personal views of love, as an atheist who is heavily into evolutionary psychology I have more of an animalistic view. Primarily a look based one, but gradually I'm coming to understand that the physical features we desire have psychological underpinnings.

Even as a young Christian... I always found it strange how attractive people's one true love tended to be other attractive people, and ugly people's true love was other ugly people.

Still... it seems like I'm missing something compared to what I witness from other people. Women just seem interchangeable to me. One pretty woman isn't much different than another pretty woman.

I do have some sense of attachment. I do feel something different for people I've known longer compared to those I don't... but still, it feels weak. Certainly not something that can inspire wanting to marry someone.

My parents we extremely loving. Sometimes I wonder if I was simply desensitized because of that. Like it was something I never went without. Maybe in some sick way, part of a healthy upbringing is having parents who are not always loving. Not sure how to explain it.. I was quite secure with the idea that my parents loved me, yet I still felt distant from them and could never really feel it. Whenever I was hugged, I wanted to feel something... but it was just empty.

I do wonder if maybe I'd have a stronger sense of love if I didn't have that security.

For the most part I think it's just genetic... more specifically I have some mutation that makes me experience emotional empathy differently. I do know on my father's side.. most of his sisters never married... and both my sisters seem to never date. One even said she doesn't quite know what love is. Probably a genetic component behind it.