Says who?
I've had spontaneous bursts of emotion myself, but why should that convince me of the existence of God (let alone which god)?
I guess, I say. I use to be manic bipolar. Depressive, whatever the term is.
I've had highs and lows and this feeling was neither.
It's also been 5 years since I've had a bipolar episode.
Since that day.
Spontaneously and out-of-the-blue?
Um, yes.
It was completely uncalled for. No reason whatsoever for me to feel the way I did when I did.
I wrote down what happened for some friends
Here is what I wrote to them.
I use the word "you" a lot because I thought it would help me write everything down faster.
I hope you enjoy.
You ever have a feeling or emotion that you cant understand or figure out?
Something that can overwhelm you but the thought of how to describe it evades you.
I'm sure in one form or another someone can compare something that has happened to them that they could not explain.
At least at first.
I would like to try and describe the sensation of being in a depressive bipolar state. It boggles me and I would like to get it out.
It's destructive and I would like to lose it completely, once and for all. The thought of it, just the thought, looms over you.
It's a hallow feeling, deep and brooding. Your chest feels has if it disappears, has if it had been swallowed whole by nothing.
The entire cavity around your heart fades into a hole and that hole feels has if anything can pass through it.
When you feel the hole in your chest, you begin to notice emotions flair. Depression of the worse kind.
Fear, sadness, sorrow, anxiety. Anything related to depression seems to spontaneously emerge all at once.
This feeling becomes so overpowering that every other emotion you could have goes away.
The overpowering feeling of depression blots out everything and you become empty. Like a vessel waiting for life and not expecting any.
After the feeling of depression has completely set in, insanity begins to take over.
You wonder, how could life be worth going through this kind of pain? You begin to think of suicide, just to get it to stop.
But you can't get it to stop, because you're sick and it's part of who you are.
There is no way to control it. It doesn't matter what you think, or who you see, or where you go. The depression stays with you.
Doctors will give you lithium to control it chemically. It stops the depression for the most part. But it takes away everything else has well. With lithium the feeling in your chest goes away and the depression becomes a shadow. Constantly stalking you. The depression is no longer in you, but it is still controlling you.
The lithium itself dulls your mind and blots out any emotion. Not completely robbing you of your emotions, but turning you into a overly mellow simpleton. Clouding your mind and forcing you to forget exactly what emotions are. Leaving you with a vague idea of love and happiness. The problem is, the vague idea of happiness is ever eluding and to complicated to work out in your mind.
Yet again, insanity begins to sink in. You begin to wonder, what the point is of living if you have to live like this.
Soon, you'll do anything to be able to make a rational thought. Even let the depression catch back up with you.
So, you stop taking lithium and the process starts all over again.
You get desperate for a solution. Something that will help you to stay clear headed and keep the depression away.
You go from doctor to doctor looking for answers. Each time you see a new doctor you try a new drug and each time you try a new drug something else happens that you can not live with.
So you look for organizations and has many different therapist has you can find looking for answers. Looking for something, some where, hoping there is a drug that no one knows about. You begin to grasp on to anything that sounds promising.
You try several treatments and several more drugs only to realize nothing works. Nothing can help you.
Your life is ruined all because of who you are. Utterly destroyed. With no hope you give up entirely and resort to live out your life with no desire to live.
This is when you don't even consider a place to live to be important. You live on the street.
Moving from place to place. Staying with one friend after the other, until finally you find yourself in a homeless shelter.
Being forced into the cold, some days reaching -10 below, with a windchill of 30 below. You just walk only knowing that you're cold and not even caring all that much about it.
Has you're walking, your mind lost and the simple sight of the things around you being to much to look at you notice the words "all are welcome".
Thats when you see a church and you decide to go inside.
You notice the warmth inside and are surprised that it's comforting. You sit down and stair at the back of the seats in front of you, all the while someone is preaching. Has the words echo in your head has simple noise only slightly resembling a person speaking, you look at your surroundings. A stained glass window catches your eye. You look at it admiring the color not knowing that you are in fact admiring something.
Thats when the noise echoing in your head become words. You hear what the preacher is saying and the hole in your chest goes away. You notice that the hole is gone and another feeling begins to swell inside. At first, you know what it is but you don't understand it. It's compassion in the form of joy. Suddenly you're hit with unspeakable gratitude. Joy, pure, wonderful joy. It's so very rare in your life to have this feeling that the sudden gratitude you get from having this joy is beyond any explanation.
All you can do is cry. You repeat over and over again, thank you!
With out warning, you know what life is and the gratitude grows, even when you thought it was impossible for it to get any stronger. For the first time in a very long time you feel the warmth of your heart beating and you recognize it has your heart.
The tears fall has your heart beats and the cold goes completely away. You begin to perspire but you don't take off your coat because you are so overcome with joy that all you can do is admire it.
The preacher stops preaching and you leave the church and begin life.