Are you complete as a single?

[Stanfi]

Xen,

I can relate to everything you are feeling. I know the teased feeling, and being let down. I have said the same things myself so many times. This evening it kind of hit me, wouldn't it be so much better out having a nice time with someone special? I think it would, but I'm home alone.

The problem is that our emotions can beat the living snot out of us, and we have to learn to handle them. You can't let your emotions control you, you have to control them. Charles Stanley has a good teaching series on this subject.

It's hard, and sometimes I feel like God is dragging me through the water beating my head off of the rocks, but I still have to trust Him.

 

[Xen_Antares]

Aye it hits me especially hard around the holidays, and Im a big gloomy gus on Valentines Day. I never understood the need to have a day to rub it in the collective faces that there are those of us out there who are single. They dont have a singles day, one to make you feel good about being single, but they have one that makes you feel miserable because you are.

I was talkign to my brother about how some are saying its unfair pressure to put on your significant other, he like me was outraged by that thought, but put it in a better way than I. As he said "It should be a compliment not pressure."

 

[jenptcfan]

Aye it hits me especially hard around the holidays, and Im a big gloomy gus on Valentines Day. I never understood the need to have a day to rub it in the collective faces that there are those of us out there who are single. They dont have a singles day, one to make you feel good about being single, but they have one that makes you feel miserable because you are.

I was talkign to my brother about how some are saying its unfair pressure to put on your significant other, he like me was outraged by that thought, but put it in a better way than I. As he said "It should be a compliment not pressure."

Here's one way to think about the whole depending on someone else to complete you issue: If I need someone else in my life to make me feel complete, what happens when that person has a bad day and doesn't give me all the attention I need, or or worse yet, decides they no longer want to be in a relationship with me? Nobody's perfect, and everyone is going to have days when they aren't the best girlfriend or boyfriend, and until someone's married to you they always have the right to move on to bigger and better things. I can't expect someone else to be perfect and always make me feel complete...it's an impossible task. It's setting someone up for failure and setting me up for devastation if they should leave.

But if I'm already complete through my relationship with God, and I have a dating type relationship that enriches my life and brings me joy, I'm not going to be as affected by the shortcomings of the person I'm in a relationship with because I'm not depending on them to help define who I am.

Does that make sense?

I don't understand the outrage. I'm not outraged that people think it's ok to expect another person to make them complete. Just a different viewpoint, that's all.

 

[Xen_Antares]

I think were seeing two different things with the question.

Correct me if Im wrong, but you see the question as being, "Are you happy being single?"

I see the question as being "As a single do you feel as though somethings missing?"

Yes I was once happy as a single, but on the road I am traveling everything else in life is coming together except this. I am in the process of buying a house, I got a great car thats being paid off, Ive got a good job, but the hours stink, everything is going the way it needs to, the way it should. Now I seek someone to share my life with, not necessarily a bride, but definatley a girlfriend. God isn't physical, I want someone I can see with my eyes, feel with my hands, and hug in my arms. Someone who when she has a bad day confides in me, and when I have one I confide in her. I had that once and I enjoyed it, and until I find it again, Im going to feel as though something is missing, something that should be there but isn't. Am I as a person whole? I guess about as whole as a person can be. Do I feel as though there's a hole in my life? Absolutley. I guess it doesn't help when Im not sure why my ex girlfriend left, I got that "Youre a great boyfriend" speech, but no explanation as to why it had to end.


And outrage was probably the wrong word to use, upset or confused by women might be the better words to use.

 

[Stanfi]

I think were seeing two different things with the question.

Correct me if Im wrong, but you see the question as being, "Are you happy being single?"

I see the question as being "As a single do you feel as though somethings missing?"

Yes I was once happy as a single, but on the road I am traveling everything else in life is coming together except this. I am in the process of buying a house, I got a great car thats being paid off, Ive got a good job, but the hours stink, everything is going the way it needs to, the way it should. Now I seek someone to share my life with, not necessarily a bride, but definatley a girlfriend. God isn't physical, I want someone I can see with my eyes, feel with my hands, and hug in my arms. Someone who when she has a bad day confides in me, and when I have one I confide in her. I had that once and I enjoyed it, and until I find it again, Im going to feel as though something is missing, something that should be there but isn't. Am I as a person whole? I guess about as whole as a person can be. Do I feel as though there's a hole in my life? Absolutley. I guess it doesn't help when Im not sure why my ex girlfriend left, I got that "Youre a great boyfriend" speech, but no explanation as to why it had to end.


And outrage was probably the wrong word to use, upset or confused by women might be the better words to use.

\

Xen,

If I may stake a stab here. You and I have traveled very similar roads, and I know it's not a fun one to travel. I got the "I really did like you.." line. Yes, I am completely familar with all of the frustration and confusion. The feelings of deciding to trust someone, and then realizing that I should not have. The the emptly feelings that follow.

I found myself hurt, angry at myself for deciding to trust this person, angry at the girl for the way I was treated, and angry at God for allowng this to happen to me.

The first step if forgiviness. You have to forgive everyone that hurt you. Forgivness is something that you have to work for, but it's not necessarily something that you have to do for everyone else it is something that you have to do for yourself.

Orginally, I prayed really hard for a week. I got alot of questions answered for the girl, and I was able to forgive her. At least partially, I have talked to a lot of people since then, and realized how bad she treat, and find myself having moments of anger towards her still. It's not fun to realize that someone else treated you like you were disposable, like your less of a human being. I won't pretend that it is easy.

Anway, what I am trying to say is that you must have peace about the past, before you can reach for someone else new. If you try to make someone else fill this void in your life, it's not going to be fair to them.

 

[stubbornkelly]

Xen, I wasn't intending to single you out at all. I unintentionally mis"quoted" you. I see now that it was actually jenptcfan who said that "looking for completion by a mate places and unfair burden on the mate." That's who I thought I was agreeing with. As of now, I won't change my initial post unless you ask me to, since there have been responses based on my post and it wouldn't follow well. Let me know if you'd like me to change it anyway.

So, apologies to you for making you feel singled out, so to speak, as it were. That's not what I was doing. Just an error in a member reference. I guess that'll teach me to either stop referring to people by name or use the quote feature.

 

[stubbornkelly]

By the by, there's nothing wrong with wanting a mate. I do, though, think it's a bad thing to become obsessed by it. We, with God, have control over ourselves in that area. In some ways, I do think that those who are obsessed with it make themselves feel incomplete and depressed. The initial feeling isn't a choice, but it is a choice to dwell on it and move into a downward spiral. We can either give in to those feelings, or overcome them. That's a choice people make.

*shrug* It's not meant to be insulting, just how I see things. Want a mate, yes. Fine. But don't let yourself believe you can't be a complete person without one. That's just not true. The two are made one, but that doesn't mean they weren't complete individuals to begin with. Otherwise it'd be the halves are made one.

 

[Xen_Antares]

By the by, there's nothing wrong with wanting a mate. I do, though, think it's a bad thing to become obsessed by it. We, with God, have control over ourselves in that area. In some ways, I do think that those who are obsessed with it make themselves feel incomplete and depressed. The initial feeling isn't a choice, but it is a choice to dwell on it and move into a downward spiral. We can either give in to those feelings, or overcome them. That's a choice people make.

*shrug* It's not meant to be insulting, just how I see things. Want a mate, yes. Fine. But don't let yourself believe you can't be a complete person without one. That's just not true. The two are made one, but that doesn't mean they weren't complete individuals to begin with. Otherwise it'd be the halves are made one.

Eh, dont worry bout it. I can see where you are getting at, especially with it making you depressed. I have clinical depression as is, Ive probably had it for years and previous psychatrist just havent treated it. Of course I was in the Air Force then too. I don't know why my mind picks up on couples when Im out in public, but it does and it hits home.

Im apparently not the only one, my best friend is the same way, we usually helped eachother through it but now we live 12 hours away from one another and it makes it hard. He too has clincal depression, and his mind also homes in on seeing all the happy couples while he feels left out. Maybe it has something to do with the clinical depression? While we both lived in Arkansas we attended a church singles group only to be told that associating with the opposite sex was off limits. I could understand if they said its not the reason to come to church, but to forbid association? They sat all the girls on the left side of building, the guys on the right and the couples in the middle. That really got me confused, why call it a singles group? Why not a worship group? And what are couples doing at a singles group anyway?

 

[stubbornkelly]

Glad we're cool.

Maybe it has something to do with the clinical depression?

It could. I don't know. But if you're already dwelling on being single, and have a tendency toward depression (which seems to be coupled with obsession/compulsion -- I don't know about how the psych world sees that, but just in my observation, people with depression tend to be obsessed with people who seem to be their polar opposite, or at least in the opposite situation from themselves), then seeing people who are happy seems like it would just make you feel worse. It's like you hone in on what you want and start to envy it, rather than receiving it for what it is and focusing on good things about yourself rather than on how unhappy you feel and how happy they seem.

That's the bad thing I'm talking about. It only brings you down more and leads to envy, to boot. When we're upset, it's hard to see anything but how good other people seem to have it. We get bitter that they have what we want and we don't. That's the choice thing I'm talking about. We don't have to give in to those feelings. It's completely up to us to take charge of ourselves and just not get down when there's really nothing wrong with us. It only leads us away from the path we should be on, and down one more dangerous.

It's one thing to say you're a complete person and another thing to mean it. Getting yourself to believe it can be hard, sure - particularly when the world tells you you're not complete unless you have a mate. Churches can be guilty of that, too. I remember someone's story about a church member saying, "She doesn't have a family!" when the minister was asking to which family she belonged. Besides the obvious, "well, what about the church family?" things just play into the idea that a single person is somehow missing something (kinda like when couples start talking about "starting a family" when they mean "having children" - they already are a family, they're just adding to it!). I don't even like it when churches exclude single people or couples without children from family groups or discussions. What are we, ducks?

How weird about that singles "group." I'm not too keen on even your typical singles groups anyway. Just let people come together as they will. Single people will seek each other out.

 

[Xen_Antares]

Glad we're cool.

I don't even like it when churches exclude single people or couples without children from family groups or discussions. What are we, ducks?

How weird about that singles "group." I'm not too keen on even your typical singles groups anyway. Just let people come together as they will. Single people will seek each other out.

That sounds so familiar, as I said once I didn't really start picking it up until I was in the Air Force, singles were less than second class citizens. The Airmans club was shut down and converted into a teen hangout, they opened a second airmans club, but after complaints from parents opened it up to teenagers as well, so they over ran the joint.

Base functions were even worse, if we would have a base picnic the married airmen got to leave work a couple hours early and show up to the picnic with their families an hour before singles. The singles got off of work and reported to the picnic to get what was left over. There was also the room inspections, a single airman would have his or her room gone through with a fine comb, while a married one would have someone drive by to see if they cut the grass. I think thats when I can trace it back to my mind shouting fowl and became unhappy as a single.

The civilian world hasnt been much better, Im afraid. Though these are not the reasons to marry, it's a constant slap in the singles face.

 

[Echoes Peak]

This sort of goes along with the want/ need poll, but when you think about it do you feel that you are 100% complete as a single person, or is there a void in your life?

Do I personally feel complete, right now. Yeah, I do. I don't know if I will always feel that way nor do I know if I will be able to answer the question with such clarity at 45 if I'm still single but for now, I think I am complete. I mean, I will admit I have moments when I think it would be cool to be in a relationship, but then I start to examine my personal motivations and I realize that for me personally, they are not pure and I move on. I feel I am at a stage where I am so occupied with doing so many different things that I think it would be insanely hard to do that and balance a marriage.

 

[Stanfi]

Let me redefine. When I started this thread, and using the term "single". I am refering to completley single. Completly unattached, no courting or dating relationship, and no prospect of one.Please continue!

 

[looksgood]

If I was not compleat just being me I would not seek another until I was. God made woman from mans bone, but that one bone is the only one that grows back if removed (yeah I know I am an egg head). Man is compleat with God alone. He needs no other to make him compleat. But to be joined by a wife is not to be made compleat, but to be made stronger with a union of 2 compleat people.