Are Our Standards Too Low?

[Conservativation]

What it means is

Its an excercise in futility to try and meet my spouses take on the standards
That has nothing to do with me striving to meet the standards, because its the right thing to do

 

[Conservativation]

clear

 

[mkgal1]

Your focus is on the other person and HOW TO approach THEM. Chaz example is NOT TO approach THEM at all.

How can standard #4 be upheld if a spouse is expected to never approach the other?

4. How brave are we? Do we have the courage to say what's true? Do we have the courage to hear things that may be uncomfortable? Do we have the courage to try when it seems emotionally dangerous to do it?

 

[chaz345]

How can standard #4 be upheld if a spouse is expected to never approach the other?

Again he's going to have to clarify but I think that statement is worded a little more absolutely than he really meant. If you look at my response to that post of his and his counter response that becomes clear.

Maybe you should stop trying to pretend that someone's single post stands by itself and looking at their whole participation in the thread before deciding what they mean?

 

[Conservativation]

Anyway....leave it.

Its silly that I try to tell someone else something like this anyway. Since my wife isnt on my back about stuff like this all the time, why in the world am I arguing about it here? Its not my problem.
Seriously, sorry to have engaged this for as long as I did.

 

[mkgal1]

The reason it seems like a tactic to me is that I cannot see how anyone who has been following what he's said all along can honestly come to the conclusion you did. But like I said, until proven otherwise I'll go with the idea that it's an honest misunderstanding.

I am not alone in the conclusion I have come to about what has been said. And I don't consider it an honest misunderstanding....it is great that you do, but I feel you intentionally create confusion in threads.

 

[mkgal1]

Anyway....leave it.

Its silly that I try to tell someone else something like this anyway. Since my wife isnt on my back about stuff like this all the time, why in the world am I arguing about it here? Its not my problem.
Seriously, sorry to have engaged this for as long as I did.

You know...that is an excellent point. Why ARE you so invested in all this?

 

[Conservativation]

That I will answer.
Because it is crushing the life out of marriages. Simple. And the approach you are taking is the way its taught, its conventional wisdom, in fact the solution is always the same , like a high school cheer
"do it again do it again, harder harder"

Hows that workin?

NOT


Thats why I get into it, but, I am trying to quit.

 

[mkgal1]

That I will answer.
Because it is crushing the life out of marriages. Simple. And the approach you are taking is the way its taught, its conventional wisdom, in fact the solution is always the same , like a high school cheer
"do it again do it again, harder harder"

Hows that workin?

NOT


Thats why I get into it, but, I am trying to quit.

In effort to avoid being accused of "painting you" in a certain light or making unfair assumptions.....please define "It" that is crushing the life out of marriages, and what specific approach I am even taking?

 

[Conservativation]

Nevermind, I have no idea what appraoch you take.

 

[mkgal1]

Nevermind, I have no idea what appraoch you take.

What is the "it" that is crushing the life out of marriages?

 

[chaz345]

What is the "it" that is crushing the life out of marriages?

The obesession that some seem to have over the failings of their spouse.

 

[mkgal1]

all about that stuff I had to say I said already and why? Why?

As Cons?

 

[mkgal1]

The obesession that some seem to have over the failings of their spouse.

You seem to equate the marriage being below standard with the *failing* of a spouse. I have repeated MANY times the standard is not for the individuals but for the MARRIAGE. Having a set defense in opposition to that is going to make the standard set in #4 impossible. I believe all the standards McScribe laid out are excellent and need to be strived for.

 

[chaz345]

You seem to equate the marriage being below standard with the *failing* of a spouse. I have repeated MANY times the standard is not for the individuals but for the MARRIAGE. Having a set defense in opposition to that is going to make the standard set in #4 impossible. I believe all the standards McScribe laid out are excellent and need to be strived for.

That you don't see the standard as being for the individuals involved does not negate the fact that many people, especially many of those with troubled marriages do see it that way. And they tend to focus mostly on their spouse's failure to meet the standards as they themself define it.

I AGREE with you that the standards as laid out are good and need to be strived for. My problem is with how many people seem to approach them though.

I'm not entirely tracking with you in terms of the standards being for the marriage versus the individuals since the marriage is still two individuals. Yes the ultimate goal is to become one, but that's not often truly the case, particularly in cases where one spouse perceives the other to be not doing their part as relates to the standards.

 

[teddyv]

I've pretty much read through this thread and I am really lost as to the conversations going on, but that may be because I don't know the history of the long-time posters. I also can't quite grasp how the OP list are called standards. I also presume these standards are meant purely for Christian couples. They are good thoughts and represents good questions that any prospective married couple should consider. Any couple that cannot operate with trust, honesty and integrity with each other are likely going to be in for a rough patch.

 

[chaz345]

I've pretty much read through this thread and I am really lost as to the conversations going on, but that may be because I don't know the history of the long-time posters. I also can't quite grasp how the OP list are called standards. I also presume these standards are meant purely for Christian couples. They are good thoughts and represents good questions that any prospective married couple should consider. Any couple that cannot operate with trust, honesty and integrity with each other are likely going to be in for a rough patch.

Other than the first one and the mention of going to church as an example in the last one, what makes you think the standards are purely for Christian couples? Are they not things that any marriage needs?

 

[teddyv]

Other than the first one and the mention of going to church as an example in the last one, what makes you think the standards are purely for Christian couples? Are they not things that any marriage needs?

Because of 1 and 5 is why I presumed it was geared specifically toward Christians. Of course all marriages need these things.

 

[McScribe]

You could sub 'church' for 'community'--whatever that looks like, or the larger family circle for that matter and get the same thing. What I really meant was 'do we really care about others around us and how their relationships are going'. But yeah, point one is pretty much meant for Christians.

In a way I'm sorry that this thread has not been about the ideas/standards/whatever you want to call them that I originally posted. It seems to have degenerated into a conversation about what people are worried about or afraid of.

If possible I'd like to bring things back to discussion of the OP with the idea in mind that while we might be confused mortals we are also (if we are christians) saved according to Jesus Christ, with the blessings of the Holy Spirit and guided by scripture. We have a lot going for us! Having an amazingly wonderful marriage is surely something to be hoped for. So could we perhaps start with point one--the importance of couples praying together, genuinely humbling themselves before God? Do people agree with that idea, and how do we see that working?

 

[poohgirl]

If there were no standards or expectations for our spouse what would even be the point of getting married?

Exactly!
Everyone who get's married has expectations of their spouse and how marriage will be as well as spending their life together. To say we are to have no standards or no expectations is crazy. Of course, the questions then arise as to what's reasonable and what's not regarding expectations of one another.

We expect to be loved by our spouses, to be respected, to have a faithful partner, to share life concerns, have sexual intimacy, to be supportive of each other and the list goes on.

Expectations we all have them and being balanced and reasonable is a big key to having them.

Love is not selfish, nor demanding rather it is kind, giving, caring and certainly it should include praying for our spouses too.