Apathetic and Forgetful Step-son

[NewAtThis]

I am 27 and my wife is 28. We were married just over a year ago. We have a son, Kayden, who is my step-son.

We're Baptist and are all saved. We go to church twice a week and read the Bible and pray together at home.

Kayden is displaying an enormous amount of apathy and forgetfulness. When I ask him to do something, there is no pride, no drive, and no emotion. His efforts are minimal and sloppy. When talking to him, it feels like I'm talking to a blank wall. I know that what I say is not "sinking in".

He forgets his lunch bag and sweater at school nearly every day despite me reminding him to bring them home. He leaves his fly down and his bedroom light on. Basic things that we discuss over and over seem to be unimportant to him.

I'm trying to help him see that by constantly forgetting, he is showing me that he doesn't care about the rules and that is disobedience.

Also, Kayden's grades have gone from A's and B's to low C's. If you give him a concrete, unchanging set of steps to complete a problem, he can use rote memorization to get the task done.

As soon as any step deviates ever so slightly, he is not able to conceptualize the situation and quickly goes into a mental loop where he gets stuck. I'm not sure how to address this.

For me, immersing myself in a subject over a long time helps my understanding. Given his apathy, that's not going to work for him, at least for now.

How can I get him to care, respect the rules, and learn to conceptualize instead of relying on rote memorization?

 

[IndieVisible]

How old is the boy???

 

[NewAtThis]

He just turned 8.

 

[FaithPrevails]

Where is his mom in all of this? She should be the one doing all of these things and you should be there to back her up and support her parenting decisions.

Step-parenting is a tricky role for a husband, especially, IMO, b/c it can be difficult to be the head of the household and not be the primary disciplinarian. But, he is not your biological child and, depending on how long you've been in his life, he may well defy any attempts you make to assume the role of primary disciplinarian.

My husband is wonderful with my boys and they all love each other, but, leaving their discipline up to me - with him backing me up when needed - works a lot better and gets us a lot more cooperation out of my kids. They may not be able to verbally express it, but internally they are reacting from a "you're not my parent" mindset. KWIM?

As for being able to deviate from a normal pattern in a routine, some people simply thrive on routine and get completely thrown off from any variation/deviation in said routine. I don't know that this is something you can "teach" him. Other than teaching him how to cope when it happens. My second oldest is very dependent on routines and does not respond well when there is a deviation from it. But, I'm working to teach him coping techniques to help him get through the situation without a complete breakdown.

As for him caring and respecting the rules, bear in mind that while he may outwardly have supported the relationship and even the marriage, it is still a struggle for a kid to have their family unit change by addition or removal of any main person. If you've been married a year or so, he could still be adjusting - especially if there has been a transition in roles as far as his discipline goes. Just b/c the adults may be adjusting nicely doesn't mean the kid(s) will have as easy of a time of it.

If he is apathetic and forgetful, I would encourage you to consider that he may be dealing with something else, such as depression or problems in school. Map out the timeline that this behavior began and any key events that have taken place over the course of that time to help you identify what might have contributed to these issues with your stepson.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Sounds like my daughter and step son. My daughter is very bright, but forgetful and lacks common sense and is very naiive. When my dd doesn't do things she's been asked to do, it isn't disobedience, it's forgetfulness. With my step son, it is probably a mixture of both forgetfulness and disobedience. Both of them have been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD. Medication helps immensely. We had nothing to do with the stepson getting tested and treated for ADHD just in case it sounds like we're too gung ho on medicating kids.

But, if ADHD isn't the problem, you and your wife will have to find some different ways to help the boy remember things. A check off sheet pasted to his notebook or something he will see at school and dry erase board at home might be a possibility. I agree you need to investigate if there is something else in his life that is causing him stress also.

 

[NewAtThis]

We've now been living in our new home for a full month. Since the dust has settled, our boy has come closer to equilibrium.

He still doesn't want to to put forth any "extra" effort to do things above and beyond what is minimally required to "get the job done." But... His heart is certainly improving and I believe the consistency of the new house and not having to pack up all his stuff is a big help.

I appreciate all of the replies. They have been on my mind the past two weeks as I've been watching and praying for changing behavior in my son.

 

[ImperialPhantom]

Are you a time-traveling version of my former stepdad? Because he sounds just like me 12-15 years ago. I can't say anything really stopped it except for my own changes and maturing, either, and as an almost-27 year old looking back on my 12-13 year old self, I turned out quite alright. That's why I'm tempted to say it's just a phase, although not having any experience in parenting or caring for grade-schoolers, I'll say to take that with a grain of salt, if you will.

EDIT: I just noticed you posting his age. Still sounds like me at similar ages, except I was worse than you describe your boy. Does this kid have any contact and/or relationship with his biological dad? Because if so, then realize that you are the new dad, and he is having to deal with a major family change, and it could be affecting him badly, even if he doesn't consciously realize it. Also, because you make that note about the grades, I would look into whether or not something else was going on, perhaps at school, such as if he is being bullied.