Anyone here dealt with narcissism??

[peacechild4]

A friend chatted to me on face book tonight.. and she knows about me and my husband.. divorcing.. as I was talking about things that have been happening..

Asked if I had heard of the word narcissim.. I had not.. but after doing some research I am astounded my husband has so many symptoms of this condition.. everything seems to make sense now as to what has happened to us and the difficulties we have faced for many many many years.. does anyone here know of this or can add anything that might help me.. I really do not know what to do with all this information..

 

[Catherineanne]

A friend chatted to me on face book tonight.. and she knows about me and my husband.. divorcing.. as I was talking about things that have been happening..

Asked if I had heard of the word narcissim.. I had not.. but after doing some research I am astounded my husband has so many symptoms of this condition.. everything seems to make sense now as to what has happened to us and the difficulties we have faced for many many many years.. does anyone here know of this or can add anything that might help me.. I really do not know what to do with all this information..

The best thing you can do is to keep reading, and find out as much as you can. I am not a doctor, but I have Ns in my family, and I understand them quite well, I think.

We all have a bit of narcissism in us, but someone with a serious Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a very unpleasant creature indeed. If you find out that anyone you know has this, then I am afraid the only advice I can give you is to get out a quick as you can, and don't look back. Treatment is possible, IF the person recognises that they have a problem. Generally, a Narcissist will not admit that any problem is their responsibility, their fault, or calls for them to change in any way.

They will complain about everyone and everything else. They will always feel entitled to be treated as they expect, and they will live their lives pretty well as if they are the star of the show, and everyone else around is just a bit player in the drama that is their life. They may threaten suicide, but on the whole cannot imagine the world without them in it; with a narcissist it is usually an attempt to be dramatic and to get attention.

If you have financial difficulties, an N will blame you, never himself. If it rains, it will be your fault. If he can't find his socks, you will have put them away in the wrong place.

On the other hand, he will be special; uniquely gifted, and at the same time uniquely unappreciated by the world.

There is a lot more to it than this, but having found the clue, I would say, keep finding out as much as you can. Ns are very toxic people indeed, and if you married one, chances are you have others in your family; maybe a parent or sibling. People tend to be attracted to Ns if they find N behaviour normal. It is very far from normal, in fact.

 

[peacechild4]

Thank you for your help.. it just explains so much..

 

[Catherineanne]

Thank you for your help.. it just explains so much..

I know the feeling. Like the pieces suddenly all falling into place, as you realise that you are not mad after all. Ns make everyone around them unsure of reality, because they demand that you conform to their version of life, rather than the actual one.

When you finally realise that it is not in fact you but them it is a great relief.

I would say, however, don't tell the N that he is sussed. Firstly because there is such a thing as Narcissistic rage and it is very unpleasant to be on the receiving end of it, and secondly because they will escalate.

Once he knows that you are gone for good, he will drop you like a stone and find a new target. Until that point, he will try all the old tricks and a few new ones. One day charming, the next cajoling, the next threatening, the next crying; you name it. These are all fake, so don't be fooled. The Narcissistic rage is the reality; that is their real attitude to the world.

So best to just continue as if you know nothing, while gathering all the information you can. You need to do what is right for you, but you don't need to do anything for him; he can make his own choices. Above all, do not try to recue him; if he is really an N, it cannot be done.

 

[peacechild4]

Thank you again.. I don't see the point in telling him... because he does get in rages easily... and thinks I have biopolar anyway... lol.. GOD has given me amazing strength through it all.. though his up/down moods almost destroyed me.. nothing I did or appeared to do ever was enough.. but now I am meeting other people and I can see I am normal.. This whole thing has isolated me... and now I am able to hold a ordinary every day conversation.. I lost all sense of self.. and reality yes.. very strange..

 

[Catherineanne]

Thank you again.. I don't see the point in telling him... because he does get in rages easily... and thinks I have biopolar anyway... lol.. GOD has given me amazing strength through it all.. though his up/down moods almost destroyed me.. nothing I did or appeared to do ever was enough.. but now I am meeting other people and I can see I am normal.. This whole thing has isolated me... and now I am able to hold a ordinary every day conversation.. I lost all sense of self.. and reality yes.. very strange..

Ns have to make you the locus of pathology, so that they can remain perfect in their own self image. They simply cannot bear the thought that they may be imperfect, and they will demand that all those around them buy into that lie.

Nobody is perfect, but they cannot accept that. Therefore, if you find them out in any imperfection, it will always be your fault; you are too critical, you are too negative, you are too angry or whatever. It will never be his fault.

Another feature is that if you catch him doing something wrong, he will make it all about you; he will very quickly play the victim. The result is that you will feel guilty, when he is the one who has done wrong. It is no wonder if as a result you lose your grip on reality; what else can you do when faced with such crazymaking behaviour?

As for the bipolar; if he has rages, then he may well be projecting these onto you and pathologising you. His rages may not be due to bipolar; narcissistic rage is a common enough feature, without needing another explanation.

God be with you.

 

[over the rainbow]

x

 

[lutherangerman]

I have a little bit of narcissm in me, though I guess it is rather subdued. I think everyone of us falls into some narcissm sometimes. It depends on how you think about the truth, if you always make it suit you or if instead you learn to adapt to the truth.

I have a relative who is very narcisstic. But I really think that some of that is simply part of his family and how he was brought up. He went through some really weird things as a kid.

Sometimes narcissm can lead to really dangerous situations, so it's good to be wary about full blown narcissts. But for others it may be just a phase. Knowing God is a powerful antidote ... God doesn't want pride and makes that abundantly clear in scripture.

 

[SinkingShip]

The best thing you can do is to keep reading, and find out as much as you can. I am not a doctor, but I have Ns in my family, and I understand them quite well, I think.

We all have a bit of narcissism in us, but someone with a serious Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a very unpleasant creature indeed. If you find out that anyone you know has this, then I am afraid the only advice I can give you is to get out a quick as you can, and don't look back. Treatment is possible, IF the person recognises that they have a problem. Generally, a Narcissist will not admit that any problem is their responsibility, their fault, or calls for them to change in any way.

They will complain about everyone and everything else. They will always feel entitled to be treated as they expect, and they will live their lives pretty well as if they are the star of the show, and everyone else around is just a bit player in the drama that is their life. They may threaten suicide, but on the whole cannot imagine the world without them in it; with a narcissist it is usually an attempt to be dramatic and to get attention.

If you have financial difficulties, an N will blame you, never himself. If it rains, it will be your fault. If he can't find his socks, you will have put them away in the wrong place.

On the other hand, he will be special; uniquely gifted, and at the same time uniquely unappreciated by the world.

There is a lot more to it than this, but having found the clue, I would say, keep finding out as much as you can. Ns are very toxic people indeed, and if you married one, chances are you have others in your family; maybe a parent or sibling. People tend to be attracted to Ns if they find N behaviour normal. It is very far from normal, in fact.

Catherineanne has hit the proverbial "nail on the head". My therapist, Psychiatrist, and I suspect my mother has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (can't say for sure since she will never visit a psychologist to get a diagnosis), but this explaination is very close to my reality as well. The on thing I would add is that their own children are not immune from their rage and they are fully willing to manipulate all of their family. Narcissists rarely seek treatment and even then rarely recover because they view themselves as the blameless victims of everyone else, including their therapists. The best advice truly is to run in the opposite direction.

On another point, I have been diagnosed as Bipolar and know what its like to go through that. Feel free to reach out to me or hop on the bipolar forum if you ever want to discuss the symptoms and possible treatments.

Hope this helps,
-SS

 

[peacechild4]

Thank you everyone for your comments.. I hope others might be helped by your answers too as I have been..

 

[peacechild4]

I have a little bit of narcissm in me, though I guess it is rather subdued. I think everyone of us falls into some narcissm sometimes. It depends on how you think about the truth, if you always make it suit you or if instead you learn to adapt to the truth.

I have a relative who is very narcisstic. But I really think that some of that is simply part of his family and how he was brought up. He went through some really weird things as a kid.

Sometimes narcissm can lead to really dangerous situations, so it's good to be wary about full blown narcissts. But for others it may be just a phase. Knowing God is a powerful antidote ... God doesn't want pride and makes that abundantly clear in scripture.

I especially liked this part thanks..

Knowing God is a powerful antidote ... God doesn't want pride and makes that abundantly clear in scripture.

For me and my now former husband.. GOD is the only answer..

 

[Wandering Cat Lady]

My mom, who is 43, is *finally* leaving her husband of almost 25 years. 7 (hurt, abused, confused, damaged) kids took up all her time when she was in the earlier years of marriage. She had me only 10 months after getting married and then dad kept her home cooking, cleaning, home schooling us, etc.

My dad is an extreme narcissist. We did not know that there was a name to the way he was. But then my mom did the same thing...someone told her about it, and she did the research, and it was in black and white. The dangerous part (IMO) about people like them is that you can tell them until you're blue in the face but they will always do something with the motive of making themselves look good. They are very powerful people and appear so "good" to the outside world but living with them is murder.

The kids were exploited constantly. I was only given piano lessons (I have an extreme natural talent) because my dad wanted me to play for hymn sings so people could see he was a good father. He wanted the police to see that he was a good father in teaching his kids how to drive (which almost ended us up in an accident once). Now that mom is leaving him, he is still living in his fantasy world and does not believe it will be forever. He has convinced the elders of his church that he is changing, and they have written a letter to my mom saying that he's changed, she's not forgiving him, and his further progress is hindered by her refusal to reconcile. He is backing her into every corner he can, albeit subtly. People look at his words and think that he's doing the "right" thing, and he SOUNDS great to everyone else. So we are going to have fun trying to convince the court that the three remaining children under 16 should be under mom's full custody. Because he "looks" good. He got in trouble for physically abusing so he turned to spiritual and mental. He thinks he was this wonderful father and husband and that us kids and mom are the problem. He blames mom for turning us against him, and blames us for not honoring him and respecting him like we were commanded to in the Bible. What's sad is that he uses the Bible as back up for everything he does so it's hard to really fight that and stand up for yourself.

But we have all learned...and mom is going through the same process as you are. You are not alone. Do not let him sway you. Get out, and get out fast. It is mentally and emotionally damaging on so many levels. You are very strong for doing what you are doing and I praise God that you are able to get out. He will not change unless God does a work in him. But in the meantime, you do not need to stay with him just to wait for that change. Catherine hit it right on the head. Just get out. Don't look back. You have far too much to do with your life to waste energy on waiting for him. People with narcissism are so full of themselves that they live in their own fantasy world and are "happy" most of the time...until you tick them off at home. Dad had the same rage that you are talking about. He flew into blinding rages which hurt all of us so much. He never laid a hand on mom because he knew he would get in trouble for doing that. But he "spanked" us kids, using the Bible as his backup. And ended up beating us. But, it was ok you know, because it was in the Bible. Yep. ANd it made him look like a good Christian father to discipline his kids. It has always been about himself, money (for himself), and how he can look good. And he does it under the cover of Christianity. He has lots of friends who think he's wonderful. I want to barf in a bucket every time someone compliments him on something. Not that he isn't talented...he is. He can be very charming and fun to be with too. But it's not worth it.

I will be praying for your strength to be continued. It does not surprise me that you have found him to be a narcissist. We all have a bit of it in us, but the extreme ones just don't "get it" and never learn because they are too proud to do so. It's really, really sad.

 

[peacechild4]

They are very powerful people and appear so "good" to the outside world but living with them is murder.

I had to take this out of your message.. its so true.. even now that I am divorced he has fooled many.. still fools me.. being nice and all.. but I read somewhere today.. love does not play games..

 

[James1979]

Peace,

I really feel your pain and know exactly what you went through. My mother and myself went through the verbal, psychological and emotionally abuse from my dad. My mother made it out emotionally and the nightmares she constantly had after divorced, so she's been normal for a good amount of years as I'm still struggling to get a sense of reality. My dad is in prison for a long time so now I can work on myself. I wish this abuse on no one...its like meeting the devil himself, a Jekyll and Hyde individual, very similar to Richard Kuklinski personality without the killing..you can do a youtube on this guy..his way of talking can really suck you in.

My advice to you is get out quick and don't look back.

 

[Catherineanne]

I had to take this out of your message.. its so true.. even now that I am divorced he has fooled many.. still fools me.. being nice and all.. but I read somewhere today.. love does not play games..

Narcissists can appear very plausible. If anyone wants to know the difference between real love and fake love here it is. Real love is focussed on finding what is best physically, spiritually and emotionally for the other person. Fake love only wants to satisfy its own needs.

Consider extreme passion in relation to a child. Real love focusses on the child's needs and will never do anything to compromise that child's physical, spiritual or emotional needs. Fake love; well, we all know where that one can end up, and it has nothing to do with the wellbeing of the child. Both are very powerful emotions, but the focus of that emotion makes the world of difference. It is the same with narcissism.

However strongly he or she may feel, and they can certainly act passion very convincingly, if the motive is ultimately to make the Narcissist feel better, and to maintain a false self image of perfection, it doesn't matter how that is played out, it is not love.

Consider the suspected Narcissist in your life; do you get the distinct impression that s/he is the Star of the drama of his own life, with everyone else as bit players around him? If so, chances are you have an N. We all like to take centre stage from time to time; Ns never leave it. At a wedding they will upstage the bride; at a funeral they will outmourn close family and friends no matter how remote a connection they are; at their child's graduation they will cause a scene and ruin the day, one way or another. They simply cannot bear being a supporting act; it has to be all about them.

There is no way to cure this one; Ns love the limelight of their own fantasy too much. Just leave.

 

[peacechild4]

Wow... still being controlling even out of marriage.. cause he knows i want to be nice and care for him and still have feelings romantically.... sigh.. being very friendly to make meals and buy coffee so its hard to refuse him but I know how it messes with me mentally because hes all nice and then can forget about me afterwards.. he wants one thing.. sigh.. nothing more..

We cannot have anything to do with one another.. just over children.. thats it.. cause he plays on my feelings.. emotions..

 

[Chococat]

I can relate somewhat to these posts as I have had a couple of friends who I suspect were narcissists. One was an online friend who seemed really sweet and was always flattering me and telling me how wonderful I was and how I was her best friend etc. As I have low self esteem it made me feel really good and thus I became very close to her (or so I thought) but gradually she changed and start belittling me and comparing me negatively to her other friends (who were all wonderful of course!) Whenever I tried to end the "friendship" she would either suddenly tell me how she or someone else was ill so I would stay out of guilt. Either that or she would become all apologetic and become really sweet again for a while only to go back to her old ways. Also she once started an online project with me only to abandon it to do something with a new online friend she had made. I am not saying I'm perfect, far from it, but this lady made me feel like all the problems with the "friendship" were totally MY fault saying things like "I'm usually an easygoing person but you really annoy me". For a long time I believed this till I did some research about narcissism and found out my "friend" had many of the characteristics. In the end I stopped talking to her but by then I had already been replaced as a source of "narcissistic supply". These people need others around to boost their egos and give them attention and once you stop being a good source of NS they lose interest. I know this is not as bad as having an N spouse but it still left emotional scars that have not completely healed. Yet this girl is supposedly a Christian so professing Christians can still be guilty of this. In fact I would say there are a lot of Christian preachers and leaders who fit this description.