anyone have any insight?

Short lived......so wish he was here to ask me if my ears were bleeding yet, from all the chatter...lol...I miss him so...still glad he is happy and safe in the arms of my King, but want to cry I miss him so much. Just one of those days I guess...oh well, back to work

My fear today, is that our son and his death will come up again, and be presented in a way that tears open the wound to bleed again. Long story, just wish people would stop trying to hurt us with his death. This person doesn't intend to hurt us, so I guess that is a plus, but has already done so several times over and today is suppose to be a very difficult conversation. To that anticipated end, I had a dream last night, our son was little again, his baby brother in the crib, making contented noise, I wanted a nap and was anxious for the boys to take one, so I laid down and tried to get our son to lay down and take a nap with me, reminding myself that it was okay because he soon wouldn't want to lay down with mom to take a nap...not a good way to start a difficult day Oh well, anyone who reads this, I would appreciate a prayer for today and thank you in advance. I can deal with his death as long as people don't try to use it as a weapon of some kind, that does me in and trying to protect others from those poisonous darts makes it all worse. Maybe today will be dart free...here's to trusting God for the strength to endure whatever awaits in this conversation.

Just finished my phone call...wow...don't even know how to sum it up without all the details that led to it, nor how our sons death played a role and still is to some extent. Do know that much prayer is needed for the people I was talking to on the phone. A real miracle is needed. I'm currently holding my own, but will unload on my husband in a bit, he is prepared so it will be fine, just some of it will hit him hard. I don't even know what else to say at this point...need time to pray and process....thanks guys...whole knew what an impact our sons death would have on so many people...good, bad, don't know, just an impact, even on people who barely knew him...wish there was some way to tell all the things I am holding in my heart right now...

If anyone is listening....my husband and I both cried last night, that helped...but if you are someone who prays, would you please pray for this situation and for our sons death's role in the whole thing...we are still trying to make sense out of any of this...I don't know, I wish I could just fill in some blanks, but that is a lot easier said than done. I do know that last night I prayed that God would fix this problem for me, not for them, cause it would feel like our sons death had some meaning to it, maybe not enough meaning to comfort, but some meaning anyway...is that totally selfish or what! I want them healed for them as well, but at this point, words aren't even enough to convey the pain and loneliness and horror we feel as we relived our sons death yesterday and how his death affected this family. Man, if I could fill in some details, this would make so much more sense...please, if you are listening and if you are a prayer, please pray for this family and our families role in the whole ordeal...thanks

Two years and it is still beyond words...still something new comes out of all this...

RogerVW said:

Razzel, You and your family are in my prayers. Mostly, as for myself, I ask God for peace for you. I think it is beyond us to understand His plan and why these tragedies happen but if we can have peace we can go on. I pray that your family will prevail and become stronger, stronger in faith, stronger in commitment to God and to each other. I pray that you can relive the joys of having your son in your lives and the memories of all those wonderful times will push out all the pain you feel now. I pray that you gain comfort in knowing your son is with the Lord, in His light, in His joy, whole and eternal.
God Bless You. Amen!

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thanks...we would do so much better if people would just let it be...but slowly it is getting better, thanks for all the prayers

I came here tonight, cause I wanted to talk, but I can't say anything about what is in my heart, and even if I could, I don't have a clue what to say. I still can't make any sense of this latest thing that was said, I keep asking my husband for any insights, and he can't make any sense of it either. Because of the nature of the thing, I can't talk to anyone else about it, seeking an outsiders perspective. So I'm stuck...I keep asking God to make sense out of it for me, but I get nothing. I have never asked "why" when it came to our sons death, nor do I ever plan on asking the question, God is sovereign and that is sufficient for us...and yet, there is something about this latest comments that stirs me in ways I can't explain. Frustrations, anger, curiosity, etc. to say that our sons death caused X to happen, but X is...well, best not go there...I don't know if X is good or bad, if Y happened it could be amazing, if Z happens it's a tragedy all of it's own making. None caused by our sons death, but spurred by it none the less. I know this is all cryptic, and I don't really expect anyone to care or even read this, I just need to talk...I need to say what I can't...oh for some kind of answer, not necessarily why? but rather how should we take it...what does it mean to us and our healing?

When we were accused of bringing judgment for believing in trinity, I could make sense of it. When we were told a demon killed our son because he got confused and was trying to kill someone else instead, I could make sense of that, when our son was reduced to money, I could make sense of that, cause there was motive behind each one...but this, this is totally different. This makes no sense...this is one I just want to make sense of or have it totally go away as if it never happened, as if it was never said.

Well, enough of a long post...I will forever miss my son, I will strive to trust our Lord no matter if it makes sense or not, and for the time being, I will make myself a bit nuts trying to figure this all out, in some kind of thing that makes sense.

It's gonna be an interesting holiday season, tears are already coming...the year that our son died, our eldest (the best of friends) was being shipped off to war, he was home for the funeral and left the next morning. Neither extended family was getting together, so we were alone with our loss and pain (other 3 kids home, but nothing to keep our minds off the pain)so we took the bull by the horns and invited anyone who needed to adopt a family over for thanksgiving day and Christmas day....a few people came and it helped so much...this year we don't have the money for what has become our tradition of anyone needing to adopt a family, so that is out. Our eldest and third have to work, and don't know when they can get off, and so we will be here alone (our youngest two) don't know what we will find to eat, and not even our boys well be here to help us through...I fear that one reason they can't find the time to come is because their brother isn't with us any more, they were all so very close....I just don't want to think about it at all...don't want my husband off, cause it will only remind me...and I love having my husband here....I live for his few days off.

Time to pull myself together...time to just deal with life...time to stop whining....oh I miss him....!

seeingeyes said:

You can't go over grief, or under it, or around it. You just have to go through it.

Such grief is what pulled me out of being a Pharisee. We follow a God who has lost a son. My grief is His grief and His is mine. But such pain can only be the result of love. So my love is His love and His is mine, too.

God's son was only apart from Him briefly, and so, too, is yours. Just a moment (that feels like an eternity). Our God has promised to restore all things. Our mourning ends with laughter...but first we have to follow our Lord down this path.

Hang in there, sister. Dad's working on it.

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thanks, I know and that is what keeps me going....just can't stop crying today...when we need someone there, no one is...when we want to be alone, everyone demands we be there...I'm so tired of people making everything worse, it's hard enough, I don't need all the extra crap...

sorry, can't do it...was gonna give a short version of the latest crap but I don't dare....I know this sounds selfish and it kind of is, but once in a blue moon, I wish someone would think about what we need in this grieving process rather than just what they want all the time. Wish our boys would understand that we are still a family, just a grieving one. Wish people would stop trying to use his death as a weapon and/or excuse and just let his death be what it is...his death...his moving on to his heavenly home and there waiting anxiously for us to come join him.

He had a chance once to go to Cedar Point with the church, he told me, mom, I don't want to go, it wouldn't be fun without you guys there....we kind of feel the same way without him here, but everyone just makes it harder, rather than just letting us grieve....when we need them they abandon us, when we need left alone they use it as a weapon...argh...I want to celebrate this year, I want to touch someone's life...I can't...I don't want to be alone, I want to feel like he is here and we are celebrating with him...I can't...argh argh argh...

sorry to unload...

I'm so very tired of trying to keep everyone around here from sinking too far into depression, and then to fight it for myself as well...argh, so tired of it...just saying.

Can't have a thanksgiving without remembering the one where our son was just learning to talk good, the boys jumped in our bed, and we asked them what they were thankful for...our son said "wa ma" (walmart) oh how we laughed...but, when you need things, we should be thankful there is a place to go to get it.

Baby boy...we Love and miss you so much...hug our King for us and feel our arms around you while He hugs you back....

Thanksgiving was pretty good, I had a short bout with the "visions" of that day. We get to have our third home till Sat. morning, and though we didn't chat at all, I got a txt from our eldest. Not to bad for a Thanksgiving. Thanks

footballmommy said:

Hi Razzel. Glad Thanksgiving went okay. I'm sorry. I know what it's like to feel overwhelmed with trying to keep everyone 'up' and put yourself last. You are entitled to feel whatever you want to feel. And no one has walked a mile in those shoes as they aren't the you that's lost your son. Thinking of you and sending you hugs!

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Thanks, you know what's funny? Having "permission" to feel what I am, probably has given me more courage this year than anything. I don't have to live in my feelings, I don't have to dismiss them either, I just have to feel them, because they were given to me, and decide in Christ what to do with them after that.

I tell people this all the time, but hearing it, really helps. The last two days, the visions and dreams that haunt, have been peeking their heads through the curtain of joy, but in Christ, I take these thoughts captive and put them on the good things, the positive things, the things that honor our Lord and King, and soon, they will ease, and I will once again see our son standing there happy and content, rather than laying there blue and lifeless....I so wanted him to know we were coming!!!!!!!!!!!! Long story!

Even as I wrote those last words, I couldn't stop crying. I know that this is just a whole lot of things piled on top of a lot more things, I know that my God is bigger, I know that this too shall pass into victory. But honestly sometimes I am just so tired of trying to protect and help others with their issues, that I want to stop and scream...time to take care of me for a change.

I've been avoiding saying this, but maybe it's time to say it as much as I can...From the day our son was first reported missing, I took care of others. While they were diving to find him, I worried about those whose house we were at, and the young gal who was celebrating her graduation. At the hospital when we got the word that there was nothing that could be done, I tried to comfort those around me that needed comforted, some were there to comfort us, but there were still people who were devastated that were not being cared for. Now don't get me wrong, there were people who protected us, in fact, we stayed at the pastors house for a week so that we didn't have to deal with media and visitors at our house. But in the midst of all that, were people we had to protect, our other children, best friends, people whose house it happened at, etc. As the days unfolded, people began to be evil...three in particular...the nasty and vial things that they said about our situation tore our hearts in ways that today I can't even put into words...and so we bore it alone, trying to protect as many people as we could. Our pastor knows some of it, but even he was protected from much of it. That is how nasty some of this stuff was.

Well, things are starting to settle down 2 years later, 2 of the most vial people are mostly out of our lives, just the occasional meeting now, and so we have time to just heal finally without having to protect everyone. That is when the family whose house we were at, came into crisis. The husband was having an affair before our sons death. I was told, that because of our sons death, the affair stopped and they decided to work things out. In that two year time, they adopted a brother and sister that had been abused. Now, as it stands today, they are looking at divorce, and it isn't a pretty one.

I guess the point is this...right now, we don't even know where food money is gonna come from, our son is gone, we are still trying to protect people, help them out, still on occasion dealing with horrible people, and doing it so that our associate pastor who should be doing a lot of this, can be paid for working on his house and making about twice what we have to live on, because he might suffer financially if they had hired someone who was qualified according to Timothy.

I'm not complaining about the "work" load, I love the job God has given me, and I'm not complaining about the lack of money, nothing I do is for the money, I'm not even complaining about our son dieing, I can trust God that it was for the best. What I am saying, is that I'm tired of protecting, comforting, etc. everyone else, so that we can suffer either directly or indirectly. I'm tired of taking bullets for others, tired of hurting and this being the only place I can say so (other than my husband) tired of not having friends we can do things with, cause we can't afford to do anything, etc. It's all just adding up...to the point I want to explode, then go back to doing everything just like I have been...does that make any sense? I'm stressed beyond reason right now, but I wouldn't change a thing about it, if you paid me to change it...how insane is that!!! I would still be there for these people, still hurt with them, still counsel and comfort and pray for them, still protect them, I just need to "explode" right now, get it out of my system, so that I can move on, having said and felt what I do.

Since this has kind of become my vent thread, let me say, this year stinks!...I have been so worried about the boys this year, missing our son, and all the other crap that is going on. So yesterday, the boys were suppose to come home for Christmas, which was huge, some dear friends of ours were preforming in the Christmas musical, and I wanted to support them, we found enough food to feed everyone, I was ready for the day.

Well, before the specials came up (I did see one) a friend left service in tears, I have been unofficially counseling her, and I knew what was wrong and knew even more that the official counselor would not be addressing the root issue, so I left to talk with her. Meaning I missed the specials I really wanted to see.

Boys came home, laden with gifts, totally spoiling the youngest two, which was a mixed bag of tickled for the kids, and pain over not being able to give them gifts, much less the things that make them light up. In addition, they totally didn't get who I am, which added insult to injury so to speak. The boys then stayed just long enough to open presents before leaving, like their pants were on fire. I mean, we all missed our son/brother...seriously?!

On top of that, our heat went out again. I think we have a logical working theory now on how to fix it, but it will have to wait till tomorrow (yep Christmas day) since my husbands family will all be up from down south. So for now, our heat source is 1 little space heater. And spending money for food to get the parts we need to get heat.

Right now, I'm tired (weary), frustrated, worried for my boys, dreading my families get together at New Years, cold, and I just want to crawl under the covers, cry myself to sleep and not wake back up. lol..like that ever solved anything, much less ever worked.

None the less, I found time this year to just sit in my "Daddy's" lap and enjoy the birth of my Lord and King. As I did, He whispered into my heart what He needed me to know. This year may very well stink, but He is bigger, and in that "bigness" He has a plan and grace that is sufficient. May you find grace in abundance, peace in the midst of storm, and Love in every corner of your being.

Today, I am wondering how to move forward. It has been a hard year, an even harder few weeks, sometimes I want to just do something for me, sometimes I want to just do something for me without thought of others. But I did that today, today, I participated in a thread that was getting contentious, cause I wanted to, cause I wanted to remember my grandpa, cause I didn't want to be pushed around, cause I wanted to be heard, for a lot of reasons I stayed, when I could have walked away. But doing so, hurt the OPer when she is hurting from the grief that hits close to home. It was an unintentional hurt, but a hurt none the less. But it makes me wonder, why and how, to move forward with our own grief, with our own lives. When is it okay to feel and laugh again. I got a phone call just this week from someone who was almost hysterical. Later in the day, we shared a laugh together, but am I suppose to live the rest of my life, in this little "bubble of pain, sorrow, and grief" so that I don't offend others, whose suffering is still fresh? I don't want to be insensitive, but I can't allow myself to return to the dreams and visions that haunt everytime someone is suffering through things either. Empathy, no problem, that is easy, but to return to that, to live in those moments that still strike my heart with blows beyond what words can speak, no, I can't return there with each persons grief, or I will not return to the realm of the living. So my quest today, is to find the answer to the question, when and how to move forward...when and how to be alive again, without harming those who feel like they are indeed dieing.