I belong and participate on several young widows boards...and the horror stories that you read there are very common.
I was told "to write my address book in pencil" by a lovely widow very early in my journal because the people that were in my life would be very different in a year. And she was right. My married Christian friends were among the worst. These are women that trusted their children and wanted to spend time with me before and even stood with me in the hospital as my husband was dying. Since it took many months for me to even find the energy to participate in life, I don't know if they thought I wasn't interested in friendship anymore. I'd go to events and they would almost look horrified if they accidently bumped into me and would duck out as fast as they could. I don't know if my situation was a scary reminder of how delicate life is, or if they worried that now I was 'single' that I'd be husband hunting among their men, or if there was just something wrong with me that God would allow this to happen to us?
honestly, that part doesn't bother me too much. There are people who try to avoid the topic and us, but to me, that is just their way of grieving, so I don't put too much into it, I just allow them to grieve in their own way.
As for my 'family' (actually my husband's family), a few members constantly looked to me to support them in their grief since I looked so strong. I was far from it. I heard that my MIL was calling my nephew "little Billy" because he looked like my husband ... something that would have killed my preteen son who spent hours in the mirror trying to find pieces of his dad in his reflection. They also talked about doing things with my kids but the invites never came. I moved 1500 miles away to a place where we knew no one so that this families' grief wouldn't ruin their relationship with my kids. Now when we visit, they are a priority and they don't have to see what I saw.
To be totally honest, I thought that kind of stuff was just life in an extended family and have no real understanding that it is surrounding grief, this is all very interesting stuff to me. Some of my extending family has already done everything in their power to destroy relationships, and then blame us for it. In fact, my parents tried a long time ago to turn our own kids against us. That didn't start happening when our son died, it happened way long before that. Very interesting, I think I can learn much here.
People made a lot of promises, but not one person followed through. Not even one man called to invite my son to go fishing or hunting even though they know he was both passionate about these activites and they had been an important part of his life with his dad.
you know, a friend of ours recently had a heart attack, he was telling us how hard it was cause his children and grandchildren never come to visit or help after he got out of the hospital. Again, I never thought about these things being related to grief, to me they are just part of everyday life. I never realized they were attached to grief until he was telling his story.
The church and people as a whole, expect us to be "okay" and "normal" within months and if not, after that first year (which for a widow at least, is really just a beginning because that first year is just about surviving...the second year is when we have to start figuring out who we are now...and the truth is that we never stop thinking about our dead spouses on a daily basis...and I'm talking 15 years out and remarried). The church gets 'tired' of our grief and wants us to be "doing something about it" fairly quickly. On the flipside, there is zero guidance from anyone or even books that tells us how to manage the loneliness and parenting issues (like kid's weddings or graduations without dad or mom) that happen many years later.
yeah, this one I am familiar with...In fact, I guard myself against it with others I know who have lost...as to widows, I don't really know, I have not had to face that. I was told that for loosing a child it takes 3-4 years for it to be tolerable, I have also been told that it is the worst loss (I'm not sure about any of that, like I said, I can't personally compare it, but I have been told that by people who have lost both).
When we become widowed, we are treated like we are children and people seem to feel like they have the right to very personal aspects of our life (financial especially). The advice is "not to do anything major for a year" but real life doesn't always allow us that luxury.
I've often wondered about that advice, glad I'm not the only one who found it strange.
Also people are horrified if we hang out with members of the opposite sex. I made friends with a widower who had kids the same age and wife also died of cancer. I lost family members over that relationship even though it was very therapeutic to find someone who I really could talk to. I also found it very damaging for everyone to treat me like I couldn't make good decisions anymore. It was very hard to make all the decisions alone but then they crushed what little confidence I did still have. I also was amazed with how many people wanted me to live the life that they thought they would have lived or that was best for them.
isn't that human nature, to want everyone to make the same decisions we think we would, but given the other persons shoes, it isn't as cut and dry as we first tried to make it? Oh that we would never fall into that same trap.
Other people's stories...a mother who demanded her son's ashes from his widow because "he had been hers longer". Families & "friends" coming in and wanting all the spouses things ... however, yes, she may still need that chainsaw ... or her baby boy might someday want daddy's hunting guns. Families that treat the widow like they are divorced "ex"es and not mourning loving spouses. Families that reject the dead's children...never calling or even sending Christmas or birthday gifts (unfortunately, not uncommon). And this is only a limited list.
I guess, what I am confused about, is that these things seem to me to be more normal because they are based on the relationship the person had with the person who died. For example, the mother who demanded her son's ashed...where her behavior is attrocious, it is based on her relationship and grief, not on a purpose to destroy another human being and remove value from them. In fact, in a warped way, it gives value to the son that died.
By contrast, the things that have been said and done to us, have been focused on destroying relationships and devalueing anothers life, for example, reducing our son to money, what was his monetory value. Or about being jealous cause they never lost a child (how devaluing is it to be jealous over not loosing a child, at least to the children of those people). Maybe it isn't any different, maybe it is just where I stand, I just am having a hard time seeing how they are the same. One values the dead, one devalues both the dead and those still alive...one is pure self centered, the other is bent on destruction...we know from a study of Love that self centered behavior is destructive, but we also know that it is based on deception, which is different than pure evil for the sake of evil. I don't know, I need to clear my emotions and think of this awhile.
As for documentation? Well, nobody studies us past the first year ... or maybe first couple years. I did read a study that looked at widows much further out and the researchers were amazed to find out that we never really go back to "normal" and that the average time frame for still thinking about the dead spouse on at least a weekly basis was 37 years after death! That we have a NEED to talk about them long after we stop finding people willing to listen.
oh, I have absolutely no problem believing that, what I took my by surprise was your claim that the evils we have known are common.
Grief is poorly understood and I have read that even some psychology experts want to label our grief as "complicated" or as "depression" if we aren't "normal" within even WEEKS...darn, we aren't even done being numb in that time period.
June was one year for us, and I think we are still in shock...I totally think that numb would be good
Also "grief" and "depression" are often used interchangably but they are very different. We have a REASON for our sadness and we behave differently. I am grateful that the same drugs do help our brains become stabilized enough to live our lives while we are learning how to cope. There is so little rhyme or reason to how these are used...pushed on people who just need help crying...and denied to people who are struggling to find a way to function.
we found our help in scripture where it says to take your thoughts captive unto the Lord. That helped so very much, it is still a struggle and still helping.
How do you help? Be available to listen to us talk about our lost ones. Don't try to get us to stop crying because we need to get those tears out. The tears are there even if you don't see them. Don't tell us tired things like "they are in a better place" or "at least he died quickly"...but we think the better place is with US and we don't think there is any "good" way to die...we want "at least, he is still alive". As a Christian, I KNOW my husband is with God and in the better place...but my tears are for me, being left behind and alone. A counselor needs to understand that only we know when it is "time" to try something ... and even if it is obviously "too soon", we need to figure that out ourself and just have support waiting when we fall on our faces.
very wise words, that the tears are for self...very wise indeed...for me, I want people to just accept that the tears only speak of how great our love was/is, I want people to treat me like they always did, I'm the same person after all. I don't mind Jonathan coming up in conversation, but let it be a natural part of life, not purposed to bring him up, or purposed to never mention him, but just part of the nature flow of life, the memories that we find strengthening, the tears that we find healing, and the pain that is the natural part of life that is lost.
I also wish I could find someone who would help me find Bible support. I open the Bible and see that other people prayed and were given their loved ones back. I assume that I'm a "young widow" but I don't have anytime to become "idle" or a "gossipmonger" which we are warned to avoid. My kids are children, so they can't support me. I am supposed to get married, if I can't devote myself to the church and God...and yet, life isn't that simple.
how do you mean, biblical support? I'm not sure I am following your questions here. When Jonathan died, my husband and I purposed to find comfort in God (as well as each other, the kids, and the church family that were there for us). So we found biblical support, like taking our thoughts captive unto the Lord and biblical Love that puts his interest above our own pain. These concepts have given us more healing than most of the people in our church can fathom and they look to us for help with their own struggles because of it. But as to financial, or moving forward in remarriage, and the like, I'm not sure what biblical support there is, that seems more like an individual God and you (generic you) decision, so I'm not sure what you mean here...thanks in advance for helping out here and thanks so much for sharing, it is helping me understand some things.
I wake up every day and think "crap, I have to face another day". I can go days without interacting with other adults beyond the grocery store line. I make every decision alone now. And I am seldom touched by anyone beyond my children...after having a healthy married life. No one adores me anymore (okay, my kids do but that is not the same). The analogy that I like to use is that our lives were like tangled Christmas tree lights...you can't tell where one ends and another begins. Every decision I ever made had him considered in it. I also lost my entire future...our retirement dreams are gone, instead I have to figure out who I am now that I'm alone. Grief has also change who I am...I will never look at the world the same way.
this is why I can't just take someones elses word for the difficulty of a child over a spouse, because that "Christmas tree light" analogy is how my husband and I are, and I can't fathom loosing that, but then again, I couldn't fathom loosing a son, and here we are...I think for me, I don't see how one could be more difficult than another, just very different,
not better or worse,
just different. And btw, if we were close to each other, I would give you a huge hug, and thank you for being the wonderful person I have glimpsed you of being. Gave a total stranger a hug once, he was missing his mom....
If you really want an idea of what our lives and troubles look like, find a few of these grief forums and read our stories. However, also recognize that these are very private places to us...places where we post what we have nobody else to tell. Interaction of anyone not is our shoes feels like an invasion and we lose our feeling of safety even though we know that these are public forums. So just read, don't join or respond.
I only know about widow/er grief. I imagine that loss of a child gets even less sympathy after a few months because you don't "look" so alone.
In our experience, those who have always loved us, understand that it still hurts, those who have always hated us, hate us even more...
