Any step-parents out there???

[prssyprncss]

Hi....I'm new to ChristianForums, and I just wanted to see if anyone has any advice for step parents on how not to get stepped on....

I'm a "secret agent mom" aka stepmom to my "bonus daughter" aka step-daughter. I fell pretty weird a lot of the times, just cuz I don't know what to do....situations aren't great at "the other house" and I feel like I'm caught in the middle, because my bonus kiddo breaks rules here (like LYING) that are encouraged, and almost survival at her other house. Can anyone give me any clues??? It's of course, WAY more complicated than that, but I wanted to see if anyone is in the same boat before I pour out my heart and no one can help. Thanks!!!

 

[Didymus]

not a step-mom but this might help. how old is the child ? it dosen t really matter unless she is under 8. just explain to her that the rules are different at your house and what the punishment will be if she breaks them--it would be excellent if you and her father do this together. then enforce them. i know several steps and this has worked for them. do you have children ? younger or older then her ?

 

[prssyprncss]

I do not have any other children. She is the only one so far, although my hubby and I are trying (just married 7/3/03). She is 7 years old, going on 20 (the age she's told us she is at her mom's). This thing is just so frustrating. I need ....WE need prayer. Thanks! Oh, and my hubby is very good about stressing the rules of our house stuff...Thanks for your input.

 

[straightforward]

I copy what Didymus said about sticking to the rules. If anything you are teaching something this child needs...to know the limits and know there are negative results for going beyond them. This is a big lesson that every parent (step or not) needs to be teaching their children...it's about taking responsibility for your actions. It will take years!!! There will be alot of tense times. But in the end you're doing what any responsible parent should do.

When I say it will take years I'm speaking from experience...my husband and I have been together for four years and we're just now feeling like we're breaking through. We're talking 2 his, 1 mine, and 1 ours and all boys. We're the weekday parents and so life is too normal here for them to bear most of the time. But we have always stuck to the idea of enjoying both worlds (weekday and weekend). There are alot of times I see that they are really upset with us...but thems the breaks. That's just how it is. In the end I think the stability we provide will mean something to them. Even if it doesn't happen until they're 20...I pray it will mean something when they choose who they marry and when they are raising kids. We don't agree with alot that goes on at the other homes but that's what we get for bad judgement in the past I guess and I know the Lord will give us the strenght to get through even on the days when there isn't a bit left in me.
Hope this helps...there are alot of posts about being a blended family on this forum I suggest you harvest as much as you can. Just remember prayer is the best thing you can do even before it feels like there is nothing you can do...don't leave it off as a last resort. Remember the power of your loving Lord who's listening to it.

Here's a link to a site I like to frequent...maybe it will encourage you too. I've got an old link that goes straight to A Christian Step-moms primer thing but their is much much more to the site.
http://www.shelovesgod.com/conference/stepmom/

 

[Henhouse]

Hi! Stepmom here.
Something about being a stepmother creates an instant bond... (with other Smoms, I mean)

I've been married for 7 1/2 years now, and DH was custodial until last year, when SS moved in with MIL. It's a rough trip.

http://www.arborwood.com/awforums/show-forum-1.php?fid=7979

This is a great but small Christian Stepfamily message board.

www.steptogether.org is totally secular, but has lots of step-info/ideas/links.

My motto is, "A step-mother can only be as good a mother as her husband allows her to be." (Meaning it really rests on the bio-parent, and good old fashioned communication.)

 

[prssyprncss]

Thanks for your encouragement. Like I said b4, there's a lot more to the situation, including an ex in psychosis right now. She's bipolar and refuses to take meds. She's harrassing now, including calling my work. I filed a police report, but, unless something happens, there's not much to be done. Work's putting a safety plan in place for my protection, since ex lives less than a block away.

We're also dealing with the fact that sd is exposed to WAYYYYY too much. But when we deal with things from the Bible, her mom says we've exposed her and taken away her innocence. It got to the point the other day that I wanted to offer to leave to make things better for dh and his dd. I know that's not a solution though.

Oh, we pray.....all the time. God has given dh the calm assurance that we will have primary custody soon, but not how....Child Protective Services (of course) will not recommend removal unless something happens, but I keep calling, especially since I have a license to be concerned about on top of everything else. I just don't know what to do. I love sd like she was my own, and I think it's real sad that people have to have a license to fish, but any ol' yokel can have a kid. Thanks for listening and

 

[Pastor_Benjamin]

Im a step-father to two sons and their ages are 13 and 12. The first thing I recommend you do is establish a come communication network with the children. It takes time for the family to get use to each other, but try things such as praying together and doing various activities together.