Any Married, Christian Couples From Different Denominations?

[rita727]

I am, personally, very against marrying someone of a different denomination. In many cases, they might as well be a different religion entirely

Hi again, My boyfriend calls himself non-denominational. But he's more liberal than what you've said. With tongues, he knows they're one of God's gifts But he thinks they--like the other supernatural gifts--can confuse the Church. I DONT CARE if he has them. But I'd want him to be ok with my beliefs. Also, With the supernatural, he knows that God is ABLE. But believe's God's stopped being this way.

He accepts these teachings intellectually, but feels they're inapplicable, and wants me to avoid joining a church that uses them. INSTEAD, He expects me to join his denomination, since its what he believes is best 'as the leader.'

I'm open to compromise in non-essential areas, like worship style and church location, but he's disinterested. He says for unity, we should join the same church & that whatever I practice, I could do at home. But, this feels lopsided, secretive, & deceitful.

 

[rita727]

This is not a denominational problem so much as a theological problem. Conversational prayer with God and supernatural spiritual gifts are a part of Scripture. To reject them is to reject Scripture. That said, are you sure your BF believes as you described? It is one thing to say conversational prayer is wrong, and another to say that more ceremonial/reverent prayer is preferred. It is one thing to say supernatural gifts "should be avoided," and another to say that they are more rare in the present because they are less likely to speak to modern needs.

I agree. I do think he's a believer:The fruit of the spirit pours out of his life. We agree on essentials--the trinity, Jesus, salvation, for example. Just not this. I may've written too harshly before. But for your questions, here's his answers:

With conversational prayer, he said, "Yes, its in the Bible. But why do we need it? Is the Bible alone not enough? ...I don't trust conversational prayer. You can be tricked. You can think God spoke to you when He didn't. You should be careful if you do it. But I want nothing of it."

With supernatural gifts: "I know they're in the Bible, but people can be tricked. With tongues, they need interpretation--and I haven't seen anyone interpret. Prophecy's tricky too. Remember the man who said we'd all be raptured May 21st? It never happened. Also, how would you know a false prophet? You really can't tell--until its too late. Also, these (supernatural) gifts can be faked for people looking for signs. You can't be sure about them."

With God acting supernaturally, he said, "I know the Bible talks about it. But you just don't see God acting that way now. ...I know I'm not everywhere God is, but you just don't see it."

I pointed out "It's bad to only want whats explainable. Since God is supernatural, there'll be a lot of unexplainables. That doesnt mean you toss them out. Furthermore, if you only believe in whats tangible, what's the purpose of your faith, or believing in the unseen?" He answered, "You can say what you want. But I know I'm going to heaven when I die."

 

[FaithPrevails]

This is not a denominational problem so much as a theological problem. Conversational prayer with God and supernatural spiritual gifts are a part of Scripture. To reject them is to reject Scripture.

That said, are you sure your BF believes as you described? It is one thing to say conversational prayer is wrong, and another to say that more ceremonial/reverent prayer is preferred. It is one thing to say supernatural gifts "should be avoided," and another to say that they are more rare in the present because they are less likely to speak to modern needs.

I agree with this. I was thinking something along this line but couldn't find the right words - Thom did, though.

 

[TheDag]

Another thought came to me,...
This whole problem--although big--is not the main thing that bothers me, but a symptom of it.

Sometimes I feel like he's trying to change me. He says he's only trying to help and look out for my future, and that the changes will help me. In some cases, he's right. In other cases, I'm unsure.

For example,
Change #1: he wanted me to stop wearing make up. (he's more ok with it now).

Change #2:he wanted me to change the way I dress. (I'm a jeans and tee kinda girl. I was this way when he met me. To please him, I did dress differently. It lasted 3 months--I couldn't take it. We compromised. But he still had a hard time understanding why it hurt me to do it everyday).

This denomination thing is the third "change."

We've been together 9 months now. I can't help feeling this is a preclude to an unseen list of changes that he'd like.

Before reading this post I was thinking this is a red flag situation and you need to be very careful before commiting to a relationship with this guy. After reading this post I am convinced it is a bad situation to be in. While Fran is right in that differences between denominations in her situation are bigger than your situation it appears to me that she has a huge advantage over your situation which is respect. Husbands are called to love their wives like christ loved the church which is a massive task for us blokes. Jesus gave up his will and chose to die to save us when he said "Not my will but yours be done". Your boyfriend saying I'm the leader you have to submit is not showing respect. That is not how Jesus treated the church. He never said you must believe in me because I said so. Rather he lived his life as an example and taught us the truth and showed us the way.



My wife and I grew up in the same denomination I then changed to anglican and my wife to salvation army. When we married I did not hesitate to go to the salvos as she was very passionate about what they do in terms of social work and I could only see problems arising if I was to try and take her away from that. Now I have returned to the lutheran denomination I grew up in and my wife while a christian is sorting through beliefs about churches. While I am very keen for her to attend church with me I will not push her to do so untill she is comfortable.


I don't know what to think about his response when you challenged his thinking (in post #22). it could just be normal human response or it could be further signs of danger or it could be unsure of exact beliefs but sure and firm in his faith. Either way I think you need to sit down and ask him what his response would be if you were to do some ofthose things in church that he says he is only happy for you to do at home. Explain you would not intentionally do it but what if you did without thinking. I think his response to that would be very telling.

 

[Fierce Badger]

I think it's very important that you two should be united in belief if at all possible.

When I first got married me and my wife went to a Presbyterian Church (PCA). I began to have convictions that the Orthodox Church was the true Church. We spent many months arguing about it and it caused dissonance within our marriage.

After those months, we actually visited an Orthodox church and talked with the Priest and other people who had converted. To make a long story short, a few months later my wife also came to the conclusion that Orthodoxy was the true Christian faith. Now that we are both Orthodox catachumens our marriage is much easier than it first was. We have a united faith where we can understand and help support each other. We wouldn't have had that if my wife remained Presbyterian.

Yes, it's completely possible to be married and have different theological beliefs. However, marriage is more difficult because of it. When you get married, your entire life changes in that it is no longer your life anymore. Everything you believe, say, and do (even if your husband doesn't know about it) affects him.

Also, what nationality is your boyfriend? I also see a red flag if he's trying to be overbearing like the other posters mentioned.

 

[rita727]

Before reading this post I was thinking this is a red flag situation and you need to be very careful before commiting to a relationship with this guy. After reading this post I am convinced it is a bad situation to be in. While Fran is right in that differences between denominations in her situation are bigger than your situation it appears to me that she has a huge advantage over your situation which is respect. ...Your boyfriend saying I'm the leader you have to submit is not showing respect. That is not how Jesus treated the church. He never said you must believe in me because I said so. Rather he lived his life as an example and taught us the truth and showed us the way.

Agreed. But he doesn't see it this way. Also, biblically, the man isn't the leader until he's married. He gets offended when I bring this up: "Oh, so you don't trust me? If you don't trust my leadership now, how will it be when we're married?"

I think you need to sit down and ask him what his response would be if you were to do some ofthose things in church that he says he is only happy for you to do at home. Explain you would not intentionally do it but what if you did without thinking. I think his response to that would be very telling.

Thank you. Good idea Dag! We're planning on speaking again tonight. I will do that and see what happens.

 

[rita727]

I think it's very important that you two should be united in belief if at all possible.

Also, what nationality is your boyfriend? I also see a red flag if he's trying to be overbearing like the other posters mentioned.

Hi Fierce Badger,
My boyfriend, Manu, is Cameroonian. And grew up off the West Coast of Africa.

With the overbearingness, I've asked other Africans about this. They said "We don't make suggestions the way Americans do. We're very blunt. Thats how we show our love & we want you to do them because it'll help you." But then again, from the same country, the man is always right, the man makes all decisions.

Even in his family, his father is the sole provider. His mother works at home, and its culturally expected for the woman to obey her husband in all things. Even if he's wrong.

Since being in the US, Manu has said he wants a 'partnership relationship.' It seemed true. At first. But now I see its only been the case on small issues & things he doesn't care about. If it IS a big deal--like this--then, "by default" he's right, since he's the man.

I don't know. I dont know what to blame on culture. Or what to blame on what actually IS

 

[Fran75]

I don't know. I don't know what to blame on culture. Or what to blame on what actually IS

In the end it's doesn't matter if his culture, his religion or his personality are to blame for his controlling behavior, if it is not going to change and you marry him it will affect your happiness, your self esteem and your sanity for rest the marriage until one of you dies or you get a divorce. There are some women that are content with a controlling husband and there is nothing wrong with that. You need to decide if you could be one of them. You can only change yourself, he will not change unless he wants to.

 

[citizenthom]

Sounds like your husband is a natural skeptic who has not accepted the very real, very present truth of God's acting supernaturally. That is very hard for concrete, skeptical thinkers--I say this as such a thinker. That's a spiritual weakness, but one that needs to be worked on. It's something you have to open your eyes to see.

 

[rita727]

I think you need to sit down and ask him what his response would be if you were to do some ofthose things in church that he says he is only happy for you to do at home. Explain you would not intentionally do it but what if you did without thinking. I think his response to that would be very telling.

Dag, I followed your advice. And this was how it went:

"Manu, how would you feel if I accidentally did something, you said should only be done at home?"
"Rita, nothing is done by accident. And just the fact that you're asking, shows that you plan to do it."
"No, it's actually happened before." (this is true.)
"If it really came from God--and not you--that's fine. But it would make the church feel very uncomfortable."
"Manu, how would your church respond if they knew I believed in the supernatural-ness of God and the Bible in the modern day?"
"They would ask you to leave."
"And what about you?"
"I would follow their leadership."

Well great, just throw me under the bus! Dag, you're right. It was very telling. I'm relieved and heart broken. I feel God's pulling me in a different direction than my boyfriend, a place he's told me he wants no part of. It hurts.

It's a bitter pill. Manu's very loving --and is a man who actually GOES TO CHURCH(how rare is that?!). But in the book of Jeremiah, God promises to give hope, a future, and not to hurt me. At some point maybe I'll meet someone with agreeable beliefs and will actually support me in these areas .

 

[TheDag]

Dag, I followed your advice. And this was how it went:



Well great, just throw me under the bus! Dag, you're right. It was very telling. I'm relieved and heart broken. I feel God's pulling me in a different direction than my boyfriend, a place he's told me he wants no part of. It hurts.

It's a bitter pill. Manu's very loving --and is a man who actually GOES TO CHURCH(how rare is that?!). But in the book of Jeremiah, God promises to give hope, a future, and not to hurt me. At some point maybe I'll meet someone with agreeable beliefs and will actually support me in these areas .

I'm really sorry it has turned out this way. it is never a happy situation. I've been on both sides breaking up with a person and being broken up with. It is not easy on either. I pray you will find someone who respects you. Respect & trust are two different things. Respect can be given automatically while trust generally needs to be earned. My wife and I broke up when engaged and then got back together six years later after I changed my attitude. Not saying this will happen with you & Manu but you never know. If God is pulling you in a different direction then God will have his way. At least thats what happened with me.

 

[citizenthom]

Rita, I'm sorry it had to go that way, but VERY pleased that you are willing to make the wise but difficult choice with Manu. Dag is right that this may not be the very end--I personally had a lot of growing up to do (about four years' worth) between when my wife and I first broke up at ages 21 and 19) and when we got married. But it is very good for you to want to see whether he will allow God to work on his heart before yoking yourself to him.

 

[FaithPrevails]

Dag, I followed your advice. And this was how it went:



Well great, just throw me under the bus! Dag, you're right. It was very telling. I'm relieved and heart broken. I feel God's pulling me in a different direction than my boyfriend, a place he's told me he wants no part of. It hurts.

It's a bitter pill. Manu's very loving --and is a man who actually GOES TO CHURCH(how rare is that?!). But in the book of Jeremiah, God promises to give hope, a future, and not to hurt me. At some point maybe I'll meet someone with agreeable beliefs and will actually support me in these areas .

As much as it hurts, it really is a blessing that you found this out prior to marriage, IMO. You have the right attidue with the part in the blue. I will be praying that your heart will heal quickly and, in time, you will be able to move on to a more balanced relationship.

 

[CKanupp]

Hi,
I'd love to hear from any married couples who are from different denominations. How did you work this out?

My mom was raised Methodist. My dad was raised American Baptist. When they got together neither of them where completely satisfied with their denomination, so they set out to find one together. They tried many churches.. and they felt like they belonged at Southern Baptist or Non-denominational churches.
So, that is how I was raised.My husband didn't come from a very strong Christian family, but he went to a Methodist church. When we started dating, he went to my church and felt much more comfortable then at his old church. Since he is the ' weaker' Christian, I want him to be at the church that makes him the most comfortable (so that he'll actually go). Whereas I could go to ANY church (that kept the core beliefs) and still grow in my faith.

 

[BFine]

God bless you Rita and bring healing to your heart.

Courtship is the place to find out if two people belong together and be can be united
in key areas. Being like-minded is very important.