Any Married, Christian Couples From Different Denominations?

[rita727]

Hi,
I'd love to hear from any married couples who are from different denominations. How did you work this out?


As for me, both my boyfriend and I are Christians but are from different denominations. My boyfriend is an awesome man of God, with the fruit of the spirit POURING out of his life! We're planning on getting married, but we need to agree on this first. Our main difference is on our thoughts on the supernatural and spiritual gifts.

I'm willing to compromise--as far as where we attend church, for instance. He's not. He wants me to come to his denomination. Granted, we're still trying to understand each other. But I don't know. Believing or not believing in spiritual gifts--is not an essential to salvation or becoming a Christian, but if it's a part of God's calling for me--which I'm beginning to think it is--my boyfriend's already said, he wants no part of it.

I'd be grateful to hear about your marriage, and advice as well

 

[waxlion10]

How are your thoughts on the supernatural and spiritual gifts different? How is that important to where you attend church?

If your boyfriend wants "no part of it," and "it" is part of your journey... it sounds like you two need to have a really, really serious discussion.

 

[rita727]

Thanks for answering My boyfriend is Baptist. I'm Charismatic. To be clear, we agree on major teachings (Christ, salvation, the Trinity, etc), but disagree on this specific topic.

To answer your question:With supernatural and spiritual gifts, we both believe:that both exist & God is still supernatural, as he was in the Old Testament.

Here's how we're different
My views on the supernatural and spiritual gifts:
-God can do EVERYTHING that he's done in the Old Testament in the present age
-We can have conversational prayer with God
-Demons exist, just like Satan exists
-All God's spiritual gifts are beneficial and fully operational in the Body

My boyfriend believes:
-God can act supernaturally, but hasn't nowaydays
-We should avoid conversational prayer with God
-Only Satan is real, not demons.
-Only the understandable gifts are beneficial (ie. teaching, preaching, etc).
-The "supernatural" gifts (prophecy, healing, etc) exist, but should be avoided.

My boyfriend wants me to go to his church. That'd be fine, as long as he compromised accepts my beliefs/ practices. His "compromise" is allowing me to believe what I want (his words there), and says I can practice them at home but not at church. That feels lopsided. If I have a question about my beliefs, the first place I'd go is the church, but if the church is cut off from this, I'd feel like an outsider.


Again, we agree on the major teachings of Christianity, but are struggling through teaching itself.
Thanks for listening.

 

[FaithPrevails]

His compromise isn't much of a compromise.

Unfortunately, with something like what you are talking about, it is going to be difficult to find a middle ground (compromise) b/c churches either subscribe to the way you believe or the way your boyfriend believes. There don't seem to exist any churches that are middle of the road on these issues. Non-demon would probably be the closest you would come to a compromise - but your boyfriend would have to be willing to give it a try.

My hubs is Lutheran and I am Methodist. We both agree with each other's doctrine and have very similar beliefs on just about every aspect of our faith. But, we still struggle to find a church home that is a good fit for us. I can imagine that it would be that much more difficult for you and your boyfriend.

This is definitely something that you want to consider/pray over carefully. I would even recommend that you make appts to sit down with each of your pastors as a couple and discuss your concerns to get their feedback.

 

[rita727]

Ha, no its not.

My boyfriend attends a non-denominational church, and he calls himself non-denominational, but his beliefs--and the church--lean towards Baptist.

He wants us to go to a non-denom church as well. Unfortunately, like you said, in whatever church it'll lean more towards his side or mine. If the church did lean towards my beliefs, he'd get uncomfortable and would stop attending.

He said "Rita, I don't want to be dogmatic. But I feel uncomfortable with the charismatic church and want no part of it. I want no part of anything supernatural. However, if we get married and you want to keep doing their practices, you can. But not at church. " Then he said, that since he's the leader, the relationship depends on the woman's submission. I wonder if thats why he's dogmatic

 

[rita727]

Another thought came to me,...
This whole problem--although big--is not the main thing that bothers me, but a symptom of it.

Sometimes I feel like he's trying to change me. He says he's only trying to help and look out for my future, and that the changes will help me. In some cases, he's right (ie. "go to church, even when you don't feel like it", "be punctual" those are beneficial advice). In other cases, I'm unsure.

For example,
Change #1: he wanted me to stop wearing make up. (he's more understanding now).

Change #2:he wanted me to change the way I dress. (I'm a jeans & tee kinda girl. I was this way when he met me. To please him, I did dress differently. It lasted 3 months--and I broke. We compromised. But he still had a hard time understanding why it was hard for me).

This denomination thing is the third "change."

We've been together 9 months now. I can't help feeling this is a preclude to an unseen list of changes that he'd like.

 

[FaithPrevails]

If it feels like a red flag, then it probably IS a red flag. I worry any time a man feels the need to throw around the "you just need to be more submissive" comment. My ex made that comment and, well....he's my ex now (sparing you the gory details).

You can't post in the thread that I'm about to link since you aren't married, but it deals with a similar issue to yours - so I thought it might help you to see what might end up happening if you marry despite having some differences in beliefs.

http://www.christianforums.com/t7557804/

 

[grasping the after wind]

My wife was a Methodist and I was a Catholic we never felt comfortable in each others church so finally after several years of basically being unchurched we decided to compromise and attend services at a church of a completely different denomination, Lutheran. It was the best decision we ever made. Granted neither one of us was completely in agreement with all the prevailing doctrines of our former churches and the congregation we joined was a dynamic, growing and welcoming one where we immediately felt as if we had "come home" but I think what was most important for us was that it lends a very stabilizing influence to a marriage and to a family when you attend worship together. I know other couples that are able to function quite well while attending separate services but I don't think we would feel as close to God and each other if we were to do so.

 

[Created2Write]

Sweety, I have been both Baptist and charasmatic(Assembly of God/Pentecostal to be exact) and I can tell you, down the road, even if the two of you reach a compromise for your individual selves, you WILL NOT find common ground on raising children, if you want kids. Baptists and Charasmatic, although a part of the Christian faith, are totally different. The Baptist church I went to believed the gift of tongues was of the devil, and if you practiced it, you'd go to hell. Some Pentecostal churches(though not the one I attended) believed you weren't even saved unless you spoke in tongues.

You and him need to have a serious talk. The verse in the Bible that says not to be unequally yoked isn't just about Christianity, it's about denominations too. I don't want to scare you or anything, but this is very serious. Unless you're willing to convert to his denomination, or him to yours, I'm sorry to say this, but it's very, very unlikely that you will last as a couple, ESPECIALLY when children arrive.

 

[Fran75]

Rita,
My husband and I will celebrate our 16th wedding anniversary tomorrow and we are living proof that it can work. I am Byzantine Catholic and my husband is a non denominational Born Again Christian. It works for us because we were already our respective religions going in and have never expected each other to change. As you can well imagine our religious differences far outweigh those of you and your perspective husband. We have had some pretty heated arguments regarding them in the past but we respect each other and each other's beliefs and don't expect that we will change each other's minds. The fact that he wanted you to change your clothing style and stop wearing make in my personal opinion is red flag, however I have respected my husband's wishes and have no tattoos and keep my hair long, this is a personal preference of his not religious. I do this out of love and respect for his opinion not submission. I am trying not to judge his (your perspective husband's ) request to harshly. I just would be careful and look for other signals that he may try to control you when you are married and use religion as an excuse. Our relationship with God and to a certain extent chosen religion is the most precious, important relationship we will ever have, superseding our relationship with our spouse. Marriage is about compromise, yes, but not in this area. If you find a church you both agree on that is perfect but I urge you not to compromise your beliefs for the sake of harmony. That is one sacrifice I would never ask of my husband nor him of me.

 

[rita727]

If it feels like a red flag, then it probably IS a red flag. I worry any time a man feels the need to throw around the "you just need to be more submissive" comment. My ex made that comment and, well....he's my ex now (sparing you the gory details).

You can't post in the thread that I'm about to link since you aren't married, but it deals with a similar issue to yours - so I thought it might help you to see what might end up happening if you marry despite having some differences in beliefs.

http://www.christianforums.com/t7557804/

THANK YOU for the thread.
I feel I'd do something similar to what she did: visit a different church. But like Created2Write said, it'd cause a problem if kids get involved.


hmmm.....

 

[rita727]

Hi Faith,

It does. But I'm confused. My boyfriend is from a different country, so it's hard for me to seperate sometimes when he's being demanding, from when he's trying to be loving. (In his country, if you love someone you'll tell them how to fix something; if you don't, you'll ignore what they'll do).

If he were American, I'd think he were being controlling 100%. But because of the cross-cultural issue--and because he's someone who has the fruit of the spirit POURING out of his life, it's hard for me to see that.

 

[rita727]

No, I'd love to hear the details, if you dont mind. If its too much, please pm me. I'd love for people to be as straight as possible with me, especially on something as paramount as this.

 

[rita727]

Rita,
My husband and I will celebrate our 16th wedding anniversary tomorrow and we are living proof that it can work. I am Byzantine Catholic and my husband is a non denominational Born Again Christian. It works for us because we were already our respective religions going in and have never expected each other to change. As you can well imagine our religious differences far outweigh those of you and your perspective husband. We have had some pretty heated arguments regarding them in the past but we respect each other and each other's beliefs and don't expect that we will change each other's minds. The fact that he wanted you to change your clothing style and stop wearing make in my personal opinion is red flag, however I have respected my husband's wishes and have no tattoos and keep my hair long, this is a personal preference of his not religious. I do this out of love and respect for his opinion not submission. I am trying not to judge his (your perspective husband's ) request to harshly. I just would be careful and look for other signals that he may try to control you when you are married and use religion as an excuse. Our relationship with God and to a certain extent chosen religion is the most precious, important relationship we will ever have, superseding our relationship with our spouse. Marriage is about compromise, yes, but not in this area. If you find a church you both agree on that is perfect but I urge you not to compromise your beliefs for the sake of harmony. That is one sacrifice I would never ask of my husband nor him of me.

Wow, Fran! Do you have kids together? If so, what did you teach them?

 

[Fran75]

No Rita we do not. We are unable to have children but hope to adopt soon. I know it will not be easy. This is something that I am concerned about.
The child and/ or children will be baptized in my church but will attend church with each of us. Sometimes he goes to church with me and sometimes I with him but we most often attend separately. In fact I used to attend my church and then come home and go with him. He now leaves early and takes our former best man to church as he has Huntington's chorea and is unable to drive (unfortunately he is 40 and has to have caregiver) Sunday is their day, it is when he gets to go out. My husband is very committed to his church and I do want our children exposed to his church, they are good, Godly people. I just hope they don't scare them into thinking that I and the rest of our family (excluding my husband) will go to hell for not being properly "saved" that would be heavy burden for a child to deal with.
Both my husband and I come from interfaith families however our situation is different in that we are both active in our respective churches instead of just one parent being active. My father is Protestant, he did instill some Protestant values and history in me, I have been made to answer for my beliefs as a Catholic. Religious discord in a family is actually natural to me.
My husband and are I are married for eternity and hopefully we spend it together. Raising children who are exposed to some contrasting beliefs will be difficult, I plan to focus on the similarities. I want my children to have a relationship with God and be Christian period, if it is a religion other than mine so be it. Failure is not an option.
I would absolutely love it if my husband and I were the same religion and attended church as family, that would be ideal but that is not an option for us.
I wish you luck, choosing a spouse and a religion are probably the biggest decisions you will make, of course you can always change your mind and you should not feel stuck in an inappropriate relationship but it is better to get it right the first time.

 

[FaithPrevails]

I want my children to have a relationship with God and be Christian period, if it is a religion other than mine so be it. Failure is not an option.

 

[Created2Write]

This is just my personal opinion, as I have seen how Baptists and Charasmatic's respond to each other, but I wouldn't advise marrying outside of your denomination. Although they preach the same salvation message, they couldn't be more different.

Let me give this example: you get married and have a child. The child is, say, five or six, and they are sick. You, believing that God still heals through prayer, lay your hands on the child and begin to pray for God's healing power to touch your child and take away the sickness. How confusing will it be, when your husband doesn't do this for the child? When your kids ask questions about prayer, how confusing will it be for them to hear you tell them to talk to God about anything, while your husband tells them NOT to talk to God about everything? More importantly, to not see you go to church together, to not see you grow in God together? This is VERY damaging to children.

This is a very, very serious situation. Your boyfriend is a Christian I'm sure, don't get me wrong, but it's going to APPEAR that one of you isn't when it comes to raising kids. I had a Baptist friend growing up. We went to the same church. My parents left the Baptist church and went to a charasmatic church. I, not knowing my friend Emily didn't believe in tongues, began to talk about my church. She talked to her mom, who then talked to my mom, and flat out stated that I wouldn't be allowed around her daughter if I kept talking about all the tongues and healing stuff. She believed that stuff was of the devil, and wanted her daughter far away from it.

She knew I loved Jesus and accepted His salvation, and yet, I was being accused of following Satan.

Unless you and your bf find STRONG common ground, and I mean unshakable solid ground on which to live your lives together and raise any children, this is going to be VERY difficult and serious. This friend and I no longer speak, just so you know.

I am, personally, very against marrying someone of a different denomination. In many cases, they might as well be a different religion entirely, even if they believe in the same God. It's just. Not. Wise.

 

[citizenthom]

This is not a denominational problem so much as a theological problem. Conversational prayer with God and supernatural spiritual gifts are a part of Scripture. To reject them is to reject Scripture.

That said, are you sure your BF believes as you described? It is one thing to say conversational prayer is wrong, and another to say that more ceremonial/reverent prayer is preferred. It is one thing to say supernatural gifts "should be avoided," and another to say that they are more rare in the present because they are less likely to speak to modern needs.

 

[Fran75]

I am, personally, very against marrying someone of a different denomination. In many cases, they might as well be a different religion entirely, even if they believe in the same God. It's just. Not. Wise.

Even though my personal experience with interfaith marriage has been positive for the most part I agree with you. Unfortunately the pool of spouses many Christians would have to choose from if they attempted to do this would be very limited.

 

[Created2Write]

I don't think it would be limited, but that could be because I married within my denomination. lol.