any ideas on a rebellious 12 yr old?

[Doreen]

my 12 yr old daughter won't shower, clean her room, obey me or anything else. Any suggestions???? Any ideas welcome as I am at wits end cause her behavior is rubbing off onto my 2 yr old daughter.

 

[Beckijhn]

Hi Doreen - That's a hard one. Is she the oldest?

All that we are required to give our children is a bed, a couple of outfits, shoes, and healthy food.

I think if my 12yodd didn't clean her room after being told to (being defient), I would remove from her room everything that was out of place and give it to good will. I've actually done this. The first time was hard for both of us because I hate to 'waste' anything. The second time they (9yo son and 11yo daughter) were probably trying to see if I'd do it again. I did it a couple of times after that, but noticed that they put their good stuff away. I haven't had to do it in over a year.

When we have shower issues (or brushing teeth) they don't go anywhere. I tell them that I love them but I'm not going to expose someone else to dragon breath (Oh Yuck!) or sweaty bodies.

The clothes you buy her only have to be servicable, not stylish. Food you serve her only has to be nutritious. It doesn't have to be pizza or whatever.

The point is that you are doing all these things for her and she doesn't appreciate it, she expects it (I'm assuming) and would freak if you stopped providing.

If it is really bad (and I don't have a clue how intense it is), I would take every comfort out of her room and leave a bed, the dresser with a couple pairs of clothes, and pack the rest away - attic, storage, friends home. Let her live with what you are required to give her and she'll learn to appreciate what you aren't.

I know these ideas would work on my children (I know their temperament, training, and discipline over the years), but I don't know if it would work on yours, I don't know her - that's a call you have to make because your her mom.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

When I was 12 my problem was getting out of the shower.

 

[Evening Mist]

My oldest is only 6, so I don't know exactly how I would deal with this. But I think I would try to negotiate some sort of deal with her, that took into account her feelings about these issues.

There must be some sort of reason she doesn't want to have a clean room, or a clean body. I would try to get to the bottom of her thinking, and try to understand what she is trying to express. It would worry me that she doesn't value her body and her things enough to take care of them. Most preteens at least care about being clean and looking decent.

It also sounds like she might need some responsibility and some control in her life. It is hard for a kid that age to have to follow an adult's instructions about her own body and her own room, even when it is clear she is making foolish choices. Maybe if you negotiated a way for her to be "in charge" of certain things (how her room is arranged, what time she goes to bed, when she bathes, etc.) as long as she maintains a minimum of what your expectations are (a clean body, nothing in her room that might draw insects, etc.)

Just some thoughts. It sounds like a tough thing to go through, for both of you. I imagine it will be scary to feel like I'm loosing the connectedness I share with my kids when they get to that age.

 

[S Walch]

Today at 06:39 PM Mr.Cheese said this in Post #3

When I was 12 my problem was getting out of the shower.

Only when you were 12?

Yeesh - I'm still going.....

Mum doesn't like the hot water bill after my showers

 

[ukok]

Doreen, my daughter is a slob also.  She's 11 1/2, but the behavior change  started at least a year ago. She was always kind of quiet and reserved, spoke politely and intelligibly.  Now all I get out of her are grunt's and groans, and words muttered under her breath. I seem to spend forever asking her to repeat herself clearly.  

As for her room, I can not begin to describe it.  She doesn't take any pride in looking after the things in it, it's just a dump.  Dirty clothes all over the floor , hung back up in her wardrobe and even clothes behind her bed.  I refuse to go hunting for her laundry though.  If it isn't in the basket, then it doesn't get washed.

Generally she is a loving person, but she doesn't display much of her loving side to me at the moment.  She does nothing to help around the house and no matter how many times I tell her that it would be appreciated if she could help out with chores, she never get's around to doing anything.

Not being much help am I ?

I like the suggestion of taking all the luxury items out of her bedroom, I just might try that.  I was hoping not to have to do anything too severe and thought that she may realise eventually that it is her responsibility to help out because she's a part of the family, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen.

More suggestions would be welcome.

Doreen, i'm so glad we have this thread to discuss this problem.

 

[S Walch]

Why my mum used to do for my older brothers (not for me - because I was good at home - but not anywhere else ) was a points sytem.

So, for everytime they di something she asked them too - like clean teeth - tidy room - have wash - was to give them a point.

And at a certain number of points she gave them a "treat" which was usually something they liked (like an ice cream for instance)

And if (yes if) they got too 100 points - she took them to McDonnalds

She'll obey you then - because she'll usually want those treats you give her

I think she did it every 25 points - then they got a treat.

 

[Doreen]

these are great suggestions - it's so much easier to talk about this with other parents.  as far as Steffi's washing goes I got sick of it not being put in bathroom so for about the last 2 months I have been making her do her own washing.  When she runs out of clothes she complains but I tell her she should have done her washing. 

she is the oldest - I only have Steffi and my 2 yr old Lillian.  Steffi's room is a total tip and actually packed some of it in the shed out the back about 2 weeks ago cause I was so aggravated.

Am gonna try some these ideas one at a time and see which one works for us. thanks - any other suggestions welcome too.

 

[Wolseley]

You could always threaten to send her to a military academy.

 

[vibrant]

write a letter (skimming through some chicken soup for ... soul and came upon this)

you speak, but she ain't listening so write

- explain
a) why you want her to do x y and z
b) what it would mean to you if she did all those things
c) how much disrespect she shows to you when she ignores you and your requests
d) how much disrespect she shows to her body/material things (and your efforts to provide her with them) when she doesn't take care of it/them.

- ask
a) what's really bugging her
b) what could be done to resolve her problem(s)

- stress
a) you're her mom, she's your daughter. nothing's ever going to change that, so you two might as well get along. plus, you love her.

will it work? dunno. but that's my advice.

 

[Doreen]

thanks for the advice - will be trying that letter idea

 

[vibrant]

  vibrant's morning-after-alter ego -

i'd just tell her that i understand that everything's changing, inside and outside, because i've also gone through it. i'll understand if she wants to withdraw to deal with it, but no matter how she feels at a given moment, i'll always going to be there for her, i'm always open to give advice, or just to listen. i'm ever so proud of the girl she's been and still feels like, and i'm already proud of woman she'll become.

hopefully, it'll imply what i was talking about before.

 

 

[lucypevensie]

I always try to think of some way to deal with my kids' problems spiritually as well as physically. Really, our sinful acts come from what's flowing out of our heart. You can manipulate her to change and reward her when she does, but ultimately this is a sin issue which needs to be dealt with spiritually. Not saying the above ideas are bad, but I think they should be used along with some scriptural instruction. You don't have to preach at her (and you shouldn't) but there are tons of scriptures you could study together regarding parent/child relationships. Eph 6:1, and Honor thy father and mother, and stuff like that. Maybe there is something in scripture for yourself that you could learn from too. Offer to pray with her about the problem too. Even if she doesn't want to pray, you pray anyway.

(I always like to suggest my most favorite parenting book I've ever read besides the Bible itself--Sheperding A Child's Heart, by Tedd Tripp)