Any Advice?

[JillLars]

This will be kind of long, but I need to get it off my chest.

I went on vacation during the first week of July. My entire family on my dad's side went up to Cass lake to stay in a giant cabin for the whole week, it has been a tradition for 6 years now. This was the first year going without my mom since my parents divorced this past april. The entire week went very well until the last day.

On the last day, my sister became upset about something my mom did and was crying and making a big fuss. (My mom and sister's relationship would take days to explain). My Grandma became very angry and decided to come after me asking me about my mom's actions. I, as most daughters would, defended my mom. This elicited some awful behavior on the part of my grandma, she proceeded to come after me, criticizing me for sticking up for my mom, telling me all the mistakes she has made, and telling me that my mom is a horrible person. I became upset, and raised my voice (Thank God I kept myself from swearing or screaming because I certainly felt like doing so). My parents had an awful marriage, filled with adultery and abuse towards each other, but they have both always been there for me, and I consider them very good people, who have made some serious mistakes, after all, we all make mistakes. I apologized to my grandma numerous times and tried to walk away from the fight, but she continued to come after me. By this point my dad was getting mad at me, because he thought I was picking the fight, and my aunt was getting mad at me for raising my voice at my grandma. It was just a huge mess. I have never been so upset in my life as I was that day. I ended up driving away with Josh (my b/f) crying so hard that we almost had to pull over cause I was going to be sick.

I talked to my dad about it, and let him know that I didn't think it was fair for Grandma to put me in a position where I would have to speak badly about my mom, and if the situation were reversed I would stand up for him in the same way. He said not to worry about it, that his family has unconditional love for each other.

Here's the problem, unconditional love to them means completely pretending anything ever happened. I suspect this is part of the reason a large majority of my dad's family has anger management issues. I am finding it very hard to go along with this "forgive and forget", when no forgiving is ever occuring, we're just supposed to forget. I know that I won't ever receive an apology from my Grandma, and if I do, it won't be a heartfelt one. I don't want to mention anything to her for fear of starting another fight. The trouble is, I am really struggling with this, and I'm not sure how to move past the anger and the hurt. I have seen my dad, and my aunt since then, and things have been fine, but no one has mentioned anything that happened. My Grandma sent me an e-mail last night letting me know about a sweet 16 b-day party for one of my cousins, and like everyone else said nothing about our fight. I want to go to the party, that is this saturday, but I'm afraid of being around my grandma. I don't know if I can handle it yet. I am really still hurting. Has anyone else ever dealt with anything like this before? I'm sorry this is so long, I just need to get it off my chest.

 

[kimber1]

i can so sympathize with this as this sounds a lot like the relationship that my dad and i had there for awhile. i guess b/c they are the older person they see themselves as always being "right" adn i for one got really tired of always having to be "the bigger person" and backing down. my dad and i are both very stubborn and went there for awhile of not speaking b/c neither wanted to admit any wrong. but i finally realized that harboring this anger wasn't geting me anywhere and was only hindering my prayer life. i wrote my dad a long letter letting him know how i felt in as christian a way as i could and told him that i forgave his part in the fight but also acknowledged my own part. still i got nothing. no response, nada. i was more than a little upset by this but after attending a revival at my church realized, i had done my part. i had asked forgiveness. now whether that forgiveness was accepted was totally not up to me. i had no control over it. one day i just decided this whole thing was stupid adn called my dad up and we tlaked just like the old times. neither of us brought up the fight (and he still didn't apologize) but i felt better in that i hadn't let anymore time go by without speaking. i guess the old saying, "life's too short" kept coming to mind adn i couldn't go on not knowing if something would happen to my dad without my making the attempt to fix things regardless of whether i felt right or not.
don't know if this helped or not but just wanted you to know you're not alone!!

 

[wvmtnkid]

Hmmmm.....I don't know if it would help, but you could send your grandma and whoever else a letter or e-mail or whatever, forgiving them. As Christians, we have to forgive others, whether they want it or not. It is something we have to do for ourselves, because our Lord asks us too. You could maybe explain your postion, just what you told us above, and that you forgive them and that you hope they will forgive you. That way you will be doing what you know is right. It is up to them whether they respond or not. And it might just might open some door for some communication.

Family relationships are tricky sometimes.