Another Widower Newbie

[kevin4him]

(My original post was deleted on accident so I'm going to rewrite it as close as possible)
I never thought I would be joining a widow/widower forum but here I am like all of you. I lost my wife February 23rd. I came home to take her to lunch and found her deceased on the garage floor. It was a horrific experience and has been very painful to bear. I have 3 children still living at home 19,17, & 11 years old. It breaks my heart to see them go through this and see the pain from the loss of their mother. Yesterday was Easter and it was the first holiday with out her. It was a very difficult day for all of us as we have so many memories of Easter with her. In May it would have been our 20th anniversary and we were planning a special trip to celebrate.I've been reading some posts for past few days and decided to join as this place seem special and I thought it would be a good place to vent as people here can relate to what each other is going through.

 

[Faithful2]

Kevin,

Welcome to the forum. I just joined less than a day ago. My heart goes out to you. We are all here for you!

Your sister in Christ and on this journey,

Pat

 

[kevin4him]

Pat, thank you for the welcome. It sounds like you are also new to this journey. I don't know your story yet but I'm sorry about your loss. I will keep you in my prayers!
I forgot to mention that my wife's death was unexpected. The autopsy revealed that she had a cerebral hemorrhage. It took 4 days to find out what happened so I went through a lot of second guessing and wondering if I had been home would it have made a difference. I also worried that she may have suffered and no one was home to get her help.
From what I have read I think it was very fast and hopefully she did not realize what was happening. When I found her it appeared she had laid down on the floor and fell asleep and Jesus took her home.
The one good thing in all of this is that I know she is in heaven and that helps me find peace.

 

[kevin4him]

I think I deleted my original post. I'm not sure how this forum works.

 

[kaykay637]

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[kaykay637]

Prayers and blessings for your family, Kevin. They are working on the servers and we are having alot of computer glitches right now.

I sometimes read these threads even though I am not a widow. I do understand major loss because my husband and I lost our only child, age 16, 6 years ago. We are now leading a grief recovery class at church. I don't know if you are a "reader" or not, kevin, but 2 books that really helped me after our son's death were the following:

Confessions of a Grieving Christian by Zig Ziglar

and

When God Doesn't Make Sense by James Dobson.

These 2 books are stand-outs, and I still recommend them to people who are grieving a major loss. We are recommending them to those in our class.

Praying for you and your family~
kaykay

P.S. Prayers for you too, Pat.

 

[TogetherForever]

Sorry to hear of your loss. We are here for one another.

I would also recommend "Streams in the Desert" by L.B. Cowman. It's a daily devotional book. It's helped me a lot.
Miriam

 

[dellinw]

Kevin, I am so sorry for your loss but glad you found this site. It has been a help to me. My husband died 9 mo ag after a lengthy illness. We did get to say our good-byes, not sure it helped. This is a hard road to walk, but walk it we must, there are no short cuts. With God's help we will make it. Have you seen a grief counselor? My hosp insurance provided one, and as it turned out she is a christian, she has helped me so much. God Bless and you will be in my prayers.
Helen

 

[kevin4him]

Helen,
Yes the boys and I have been seeing a Christian MFT. I think I'm going to try and find someone who specializes in grief counseling. I feel like I'm just venting and not getting much feed back from him. He's a great guy but I don't feel like we are a good fit. Thanks to all of you and for your prayers! I know prayers are helping me to stay strong right now. Nights are the hardest part for me as I get so lonely for her love. I keep wondering why now Lord? She was too young!
I always thought I would go before her but I guess God has a greater plan and hopefully some day it will all make sense.

 

[Faithful2]

Pat, thank you for the welcome. It sounds like you are also new to this journey. I don't know your story yet but I'm sorry about your loss. I will keep you in my prayers!
I forgot to mention that my wife's death was unexpected. The autopsy revealed that she had a cerebral hemorrhage. It took 4 days to find out what happened so I went through a lot of second guessing and wondering if I had been home would it have made a difference. I also worried that she may have suffered and no one was home to get her help.
From what I have read I think it was very fast and hopefully she did not realize what was happening. When I found her it appeared she had laid down on the floor and fell asleep and Jesus took her home.
The one good thing in all of this is that I know she is in heaven and that helps me find peace.

Kevin,

I'm glad that you told your story. It really helps to talk about it. My husband also died suddenly and unexpectedly of a heart attack. He was only 56. Now he is in the presence of God. I'll see him again some day when it's my turn to leave this earth.

I have been given a lot if books on bereavement and the grief journey. Some have been helpful and some have not worked for me. The book I have found the most helpful is "Getting to the Other Side of Grief - Overcoming the Loss of a Spouse" by Susan J. Zonnebelt-Smeenge and Robert C. De Vries. It has a hopeful approach and is written for younger widows and widowers - those who have not yet reached retirement age. I really needed hope that things would get better and this book gave me hope. It is written from a Christian perspective. My aunt gave me the book as a gift. I liked it so much that I purchased another one from the Christian bookstore for a friend whose wife died about 7 months ago.

Kevin, I'm so glad that you joined this forum.

Your sister in Christ and on this journey,

Pat

 

[JeanR]

Welcome, Kevin

My husband died suddenly 17 months ago and this forum helped me through this whole awful process. I have had all the major firsts, but there are still more. I will be going to the Phillies opening game without him for the first time. Baseball was a big part of our lives and I did not go at all last year.

Another first is that our daughter is expecting. It is wonderful knowing that a little one is on the way, but it is bittersweet, too. Terry would have made a wonderful grandfather. He loved little kids.

Don't worry about venting. It's not truly venting, it is grieving. Stay with us, we will help you through it.

Jean

 

[nyokiasheree]

Hi Kevin,
My prayers are with you and your family. I am happy that you found this site and shared your experience. I am a new widow and has found alot of encouragement by just reading what others have written. My husband went to be with Jesus suddenly a little over two months ago at 28.

I am seeing a therapist, but I find that what helps the most is when I spend time reading the word of God and hanging on to the promises that God has made to me. This is hard to do some times,but God has been very faithful to carry me when I can not move.

In Christ - Nyokia

 

[kevin4him]

Looks like I need to go to the Christian book store and get busy reading. I'm feeling stronger today after 2 days of feeling depressed and empty. I'm still wondering why this would be God's will for my life but I also have faith that he will walk me through it all. I'm glad I found this place. It's nice to hear from others who have experienced the pain that I'm going through right now. I Praise God for all of you!
Kevin

 

[kaykay637]

Hi, Kevin. I just wanted to add that if your local bookstore doesn't have the book, you can get them on www.amazon.com. Again, prayers for your family~~

 

[InHisCare]

All of us seem to be in this "place" that we never thought we would be in. I never thought I would be alone raising three children. My husband died just short of our 20th anniversary. I thought we would grow old together. I am so sorry that you and your children are going through this terrible loss. It has been a year and a half for our family. Everyone copes with the loss of a loved one in their own way. I will offer this one bit of advice. Take time for yourself. As parents we always put the welfare of our children first. I did that to the point of never really letting myself heal. I was to busy making sure the kids were OK that I put myself to the side. This was not good for me and in the long run was not good for my kids. Whatever you have to do, even if it's just having time with some of your male friends. Maybe join a Christian grief support group as an alternative to one on one counseling. It often helps to hear how others are coping. Of course this site is great for that. You are in our prayers! God Bless.

 

[Starzy]

Hi Kevin,

First let me say I am so sorry for your loss. I am also a newbie to this site, although not to grief. I lost my husband almost 2 years ago. So yes, please vent, it really does help. Any of us who have lost our spouses understand what you are going through and believe it or not, you are normal. I used to question my sanity, but then after talking to other widows/ers, I found out that I was quite normal. You will go through a rollercoaster of emotions and talking about them is the best thing you can do for yourself.
Take care,

Starzy

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

To Kevin and all the other newbies....So sorry that you are in this place, but you are right God will bring you through it. My husband did not die suddenly, and it's been 3 years. It's becoming more "normal" not having him here, but I wish he was here! I thought I would go before him and that he was more valuable to God here than me, but God had a different plan. One book that helped me, doesn't really have anything to do with grief, but its called "Wild at Heart" by John Eldridge. A man I didn't know gave it to me and told me to read it and have my sons read it too. We did, and it was really really good. It talks about the character of God and how we were created in that.
Remember that whatever you do.....is normal for you. Everyone is different and grieves differently. For me, it helped being able to talk about him. And I came to this site specifically because of the widow/widower section. There are wonderful loving people here, who do understand. Thanks for sharing your story and if we can be of any help just let us know! God bless you and yours!

 

[kevin4him]

I appreciate all the advice and support from all of who have posted. I've been reading a lot of posts and it gives me comfort to know that it won't always be as hard as it is right now. Some days are better than others and it seems like the grief comes in waves. When I'm home alone is when it seems the hardest. When I hear Christian songs on the radio that she liked it is very painful. However, when that happens I feel the Lord's presence and I know it's part of the healing process that he is bringing me through. Thank you all for your prayers!

 

[Hisbygrace]

God bless all of you as you travel through this season of life. I pray that God will bring peace and comfort to your and your children's hearts. May 22nd will be the 6th anniversary of my husband's death and there are still times when I miss him so bad, but God does get us through. I know He has carried me everyday since Buck's death. I found that for me, my children and my grandchildren it has helped comfort us to talk about Buck, to share our memories. Sometimes we laugh and sometimes we cry, but remember that both brings relief.

 

[kevin4him]

Well, it will be two months this Saturday that I lost my wife. It seems like it was only a couple of weeks ago. This past week has been my hardest yet. I'm miss her so much and I still can't believe at times that she is really gone. There is such a big void not having her here. I wake up at night and it's so lonely not having her beside me. I think it's been more difficult lately because I had so many things to take care of at first and having people around and now the reality is setting in with having to go on with everyday life. I'm very busy with work, being the cook, doing laundry, cleaning the house, packing lunches, helping with home work etc.. that some nights I feel so overwhelmed. I've heard over and over that time will make it better but for me it's worse right now. I'm sure it will get easier a year from now, at least that is my prayer because the pain is so intense, and this road is lonely and difficult.
I wanted to see if any others have had the same experience.
Thanks to all of you and your kind words and prayers!