Another "Living Together" Topic...

[John the Engineer]

whatever you do, save sex for the marriage day, and don't sell out.

Unfortunately, as I said before, it's too late for this.

Katelyn and JillLars, thanks for the excellent posts, that sums up what I really have been feeling deep down. Actually everyone's posts are so excellent.

I'd like to know how you (everyone) feels about honoring your parents. Meaning that, presuming she did step out on her own to stand up for herself, how then does she still honor her parents? Just by loving them and still accepting them? I guess that's one thing I've been struggling with, how do you "honor" your parents but still be your own person when your parents don't want you to be your own person?

On a side note, I just bought car number four today, that means I now own more cars than her family, and they have more drivers in their family than mine! I even offered her one to commute with so her family could keep their car around.

 

[DaveKerwin]

You should first concern yourself with honoring God instead of honoring her parents. That would mean you need to concern yourself with not sinning, because the fornication is the biggest issue here. It is not too late to stop, and do what is right. And just because someone sums up your feelings, that does not mean God agrees with those thoughts. The word of God is key to your situation. Honor her parents to the degree that you can, in accordance to God's word. If you have to break God's word in order to please parents, then do NOT do it. But like I said, the biggest issue here is fornication, you need to deal with that first.

 

[katelyn]

I think gentle communication will be important in this situation so that she can be following God, but still honoring her mother. If she tries to be kind in communicating to her mother about her feelings and also showing genuine interest in her mother's opinions and trying to understand them, to me that is honoring. Not only that, but also being willing to accept some things that she might not like, but will please her mother (of course, these would only be things that don't go directly against God. An example of this might be something like if her mother thinks you two spend too much time together, then maybe she could try to spend some more time at home or something.) Hopefully, through this process they should be able to come to some kind of understanding where although they may not agree on everything, they can at least get along and save their relationship.

 

[SirKenin]

I'd like to know how you (everyone) feels about honoring your parents. Meaning that, presuming she did step out on her own to stand up for herself, how then does she still honor her parents? Just by loving them and still accepting them? I guess that's one thing I've been struggling with, how do you "honor" your parents but still be your own person when your parents don't want you to be your own person?

Ok.. Honoring your parents. I guess I should start by quoting what Paul has to say about the parent/child relationship.

Ephesians 6:1-4

"Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for that is right. "Honor your father and mother" - which is the first commandment with a promise - "that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth." Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

First, I think it's important to read this passage in it's entirety, because, like every relationship, the parent/child relationship is a two way street. Paul says "Yes, children, obey your parents. Honor them." Then, however, he turns his attention on the parents and says "and don't you go driving them mad with incessant unbiblical demands".

Second, I think it's important to point out that the Hebrew word for honor is literally translated into "Make heavy". (see it come up in Lamentations 3:7) In other words, your parents are to carry great weight in your lives.

How do you honor your parents? Well, that depends on what stage of life you're in I guess. As a child you are required to be obedient. However, as you grow, that's no longer a requirement. Otherwise you would never blossom into an independent young adult and so on. As a young adult, which is the case with your lady friend, she should be respectful.

That does not mean bowing to her mom's every whim. The fifth Commandment is not a parental billy club. It's all about a relationship. A relationship defined by Paul in Ephesians 6 and in Proverbs 17:6, which I quote:

"Children's chilren are a crown to the aged, and parents are the pride of their childrend." Parents and children are meant to get along, not fight amongst each other.

You are not helping her to honor her mother by dragging her out of the house. As in my case, I can only see it backfiring on you.

 

[JillLars]

Ok, just to go off on a little sidenote again. Regardless of the "honor her parents" argument, your girlfriend needs to learn how to be independent before you two can have a healthy relationship (as I said before). It is possible for her to move out on her own, get a full time job, go to school and pay for it with loans, and with money from her job. People do it all the time. I work full time, and go to school full time.

Until your girlfriend understands that she can take care of herself, she will always be depending on someone to meet her needs whether it be her mom, or you, and that's not healthy (IMHO). All you can really do is encourage her to be more independent, even if that means cutting financial ties with her mom and supporting herself.

 

[John the Engineer]

Thank you all for the comments. Tonight has been a true day of breakthrough. Today went somewhat well, but slowly got worse as the day went on. I hit rock bottom, and am just completely broken before the Lord. I finally acknowledged the fact that I couldn't do anything more to mess this relationship up and if it's the Lord's will then it's for him to redeem, and I offered him my heart again, completely. It hurts to so much to let my heart go because I know that it could very well mean that I'm giving up my heart and with it giving away her. I guess I'm finally able to sacrifice to the Lord the entire relationship. It hurts, so incredibly much, to think about him healing me and having me move on. Though I know it may be his will, I know I have to let him do his will.

Those of you that said we look for signs, you're right. Self-fulfilling signs. I guess now the sign will be that the Lord will have to work in her family, and I just have to acknowledge the fact that the Lord needs to heal me however I need to be healed. I am going back to work, and that means school will take a rather large deficit given my line of work, but I just don't feel like being dependent to anyone right now.

Let there be no mistake to anyone who asks, lies destroy everything, they are completely of the enemy. And sex destroys relationships and hearts. Now I only pray for grace and redemption, however the Lord chooses to bring it. I don't think I've ever known being broken like I feel right now. The only thing that keeps me from my suicidal history is knowing that the Lord will work, and where the Lord works there is hope. And also knowing that it would destroy her for me to do something stupid like that. But this pain is something that only the Lord can heal, and so I must pray for healing.

For those of you that felt kind enough to respond, please hold me up in prayer now.

 

[JillLars]

Praying for you John!

 

[DaveKerwin]

John, I agree with you that lies and premarital sex cause lots of problems. But more importantly, I agree with you that there is much hope in our Lord Jesus Christ. Remeber something, God can make ALL things new. And he is close to you, the brokenhearted.

Your heart is leaning more toward God, I can clearly see that. Do not lose that hope, because things are already turning for the better for you. I can understand feeling hopeless or at least really sad, but don't allow that to destroy you. You know full well that God is near you, and that he wishes to restore you. Be diligent in your persuit of the Lord, he will do what you ask of him. Trust me.

God Bless you, may the peace of Christ be with you. Praying for you now.

 

[John the Engineer]

Jill, thank you!

Dave, it's funny how even the words we knew were true can be so uplifting just to hear someone else remind us. Thank you.

 

[John the Engineer]

I don't know if I should start another thread, or move to a different forum with this, but Dave I was reading what you said again. Waking up this morning I still feel lost again. I'm trying to focus on him and I'm feeling like he is moving her away from my life. Whether temporarily or permanently I'm not sure, but it just feels so difficult. I know I've let go, but that doesn't stop the desire to be with her.

 

[DaveKerwin]

Who are you? Where do you find your identity? In a woman? In Christ?

Who do you ultimately live for, a woman? for Christ?

Why does it matter if you are with her or not?

What have you been doing with those desires to be with her? Bottling up? Taking to God?

 

[hugnluvable]

Dave! I respect that you have been through this before and from experience you are challenging others so that they wont suffer the same consequences.... but at the moment, it may be too late! Yes it will justify things and yes it will clarify in hearts what Jesus should really mean to us but no way will it make those consequences disappear or get any nicer! Thats the main thing that is harder to accept and take on than just to say about - the consequences! Horrible to face them! Horrid horrid horrid! Urgh!

Was this the case for you though? Or were you strong enough in your faith to just STOP! REPENT! just like that without any fear of the consequence but with rejoicing of coming closer to God? If it was the latter... total respect mate!


Love and hugs
Erica
xxx

 

[hugnluvable]

PS: that last post wasnt in anyway sarcastic! I really mean it! And it would be really helpful to hear your testimony!

 

[SirKenin]

I don't know if I should start another thread, or move to a different forum with this, but Dave I was reading what you said again. Waking up this morning I still feel lost again. I'm trying to focus on him and I'm feeling like he is moving her away from my life. Whether temporarily or permanently I'm not sure, but it just feels so difficult. I know I've let go, but that doesn't stop the desire to be with her.

I don't think God ever promised he was going to eradicate all your emotions at your request. Your feelings are entirely natural and as a result of you exercising your free will, a wonderful gift from God.

There is a reason we have those feelings, if you are interested in Psychology, and God wouldn't be doing you any favors by eradicating them.

John, I would just like to challenge you with this. Let her go. There are plenty of women. I found that out once I turned 30. I have people laugh at me because I am never without a girlfriend for more than a week or so.

You are young, you have a lot to live for. This lady has issues that you aren't going to be able to resolve. Go, have some fun. Do what you enjoy. You said you surrendered it, so leave it at that.

My best word of advice right now from someone that has walked the exact same path...?

Let go and let God.

 

[hugnluvable]

please Dave.... would sincerely like to know!

 

[DaveKerwin]

Dave! I respect that you have been through this before and from experience you are challenging others so that they wont suffer the same consequences.... but at the moment, it may be too late! Yes it will justify things and yes it will clarify in hearts what Jesus should really mean to us but no way will it make those consequences disappear or get any nicer! Thats the main thing that is harder to accept and take on than just to say about - the consequences! Horrible to face them! Horrid horrid horrid! Urgh!

Was this the case for you though? Or were you strong enough in your faith to just STOP! REPENT! just like that without any fear of the consequence but with rejoicing of coming closer to God? If it was the latter... total respect mate!


Love and hugs
Erica
xxx

All I can say is that God woke me up one day, and I knew what I had to do. The Holy Spirit empowered me to follow Christ. The same spirit lives in you.

 

[hugnluvable]

THAT ROCKED ONE OF THE MOUNTAINS! thank you!

Erica
xxx

 

[John the Engineer]

Thank you, Dave and drfeelgood, your posts are amazing and you have no idea what a great blessing they are!

I have started to feel amazing conviction over some of the spiritual things that I have been carrying. Especially from a past relationship that's manifested itself in this relationship. It's being such a struggle but I keep just pressing on to find more and more of God in my life. I keep praying for more, more healing and grace. I talked with the girl I had been involved with before, with who I made a lot of mistakes, and asked her forgiveness. It has been a tremendous release, and though I don't know the Lord's future I know that the Lord has a future for me.

I really don't know about my emotions. I know that I am releasing it all to him, and though my soul has released it I know that my desire is still there. Not a sexual desire or just a "comfortable" desire, but a desire for holiness to fill it. Whether a God will make it holy by healing us and having us move on, or be brought back together is his. I still have all the things that remind me of her, and to say the pain is gone would be a lie, but I know that I have made so many mistakes and the Lord is the only one who can redeem this for his purposes.

I do feel that I have truly offered it up to him.

But something I feel now is that I feel so unworthy to be given to another woman of his Kingdom. I just feel, in thinking about some of the women of the church I am around, that I could never be with a woman of God (and no, I wouldn't be with a woman not of God) and feel ok with it. I know that the Lord redeems purity, but I just feel so ashamed and that I couldn't truly be with a woman of God. Anyone have any advice?

 

[msjones21]

This is all such a prime example of why I encourage people to become emotionally attached, but not emotionally dependent on another person.

But something I feel now is that I feel so unworthy to be given to another woman of his Kingdom. I just feel, in thinking about some of the women of the church I am around, that I could never be with a woman of God (and no, I wouldn't be with a woman not of God) and feel ok with it. I know that the Lord redeems purity, but I just feel so ashamed and that I couldn't truly be with a woman of God. Anyone have any advice?

John, it really isn't any of my business but if this was the first girl you've ever had sex with your feelings are completely normal. That would explain the intense emotional bond you feel. Even if she isn't the first your concerns are very rational. I have a colored sexual past. One of the hardest things to let go of once I turned my life around was the guilt and shame I was carrying. Give yourself some time, John. Don't say you are not worthy enough to date a woman of God. You are more than worthy, but you have to work on resolving these feelings between just you and God. You need to hold on to God's promise that if you confess your sins He is faithful and just to forgive them. Stop beating yourself up about not saving yourself. The concept of "born again" virginity is catching on and more and more people are saying "goodbye" to sexual activity and "hello" to chastity. It's awesome. I know that I've committed my life to sexual purity until my wedding day, if it is God's will that I should marry again.

Time (and prayer) heals all wounds, John. You aren't going to roll out of bed in the morning and feel completely emotionally removed from this situation. Give God, and yourself, some time to get over her. Don't be afraid to let go, John. Don't hang on to invisible hope thinking that if you let go she may be "the one" and then you'd never know. First of all, that's not surrendering it at the foot of the cross and 100% trusting in God. Secondly, I don't believe God only makes one person on this entire earth just for you and if you break up then you've missed out. Trust in God and give this up to Him with both hands.

I'm going to throw the [usually unappreciated] cliche out here for you...everything happens for a reason. You have been blinded by the sexual bond you two shared. How can you be so sure she's "the one" in the first place? Maybe God has allowed her mother to intervene (even if you see it as being manipulative) to remove her from your life so that you can meet the right person and start anew and make a commitment to sexual purity. You deserve to be with somebody whose parents will love you for who you are. True, it is your decision who you marry but harmony in the family is so vital to having a successful relationship. Disharmony in the family causes undue stress in the marriage relationship.

I also have to wonder if the biggest portion of your heartache is the crushed ego. I know guys tend to have a more difficult time when the girl calls it quits because it bruises the delicate ego. You have two factors working against in the ego aspect of things. 1. You feel as if you've "lost" to her mother. 2. You're scared to death the mother is going to manipulate her daughter into going back to her ex-boyfriend. Let that go, John. Keep praying, but don't be discouraged if you don't get an immediate response from God.

I'm still praying for you.

 

[katelyn]

But something I feel now is that I feel so unworthy to be given to another woman of his Kingdom. I just feel, in thinking about some of the women of the church I am around, that I could never be with a woman of God (and no, I wouldn't be with a woman not of God) and feel ok with it. I know that the Lord redeems purity, but I just feel so ashamed and that I couldn't truly be with a woman of God. Anyone have any advice?

Give yourself plenty of time to heal. When the time comes, if there is a woman God has for you, the two of you will work through it together. Your past might cause of difficult times, but if she is truly a woman of God and truly loves you and is meant for you, it will work out and having you will be a blessing to her. Clinging to the shame is not from God (it's our enemy who wants you to permanently feel bad about what God's already forgiven). But don't worry about this now...like I said, you need time to repent, grieve, and heal.