angry with my In-laws

[Jillian1527]

I have made every one of my In-Laws mad at me big now. and even Hubby thinks I am being petty. can you please tell me what you would of done?
My Mother in law asked my 2 girls (ages almost 7 and 5) to stay the night with her because she has been working and they havent really spent much time together. Thats great the girls love sleepovers at grandmas and grandpas.
so the day come for them to pick up the girls. (it was a long day of "when will they be heres" too) and they have another grandchild with them that is going to stay too. This is where I get angry.(1) this Child(11) stays with them every weekend due to my Brother in law remarring and the new wife wont keep her. (2)MIL is always complaining about her and her behaviour. (3) when shes around my 2 girls she only plays with the oldest and my littlest crys because she gets left out.and while she plays with my other daughter she "tricks" her into doing what she wants to do.
So I dont let my girls stay. My MIL knows that they dont all get along. I feel bad for my girls because they were really looking forward to going.
Am I out of line? they are my Children, and I have a right to say no. Hubby says I cant keep my girls from getting hurt all the time. but I say I should have the right to do so when I can. and MIL wont speak to me which is fine cus I dont really want to speak with her(not to christian like I know)
thank you for any input.
Jillian

 

[JillLars]

If the 11 year old stays with them every weekend, why were you assuming she wouldn't be there on this particular weekend?

I understand that you don't want your daughters to get hurt, but they need to learn to get along with their cousin, and just not letting them be around her doesn't do much to solve the problem.

However, I don't think that leaving them at your MIL and hoping they will get along would be the best solution either.

Perhaps you could have a play date sometime, you could have a sleepover at your house with all 3 girls and plan activities for them, so no one is being "tricked" into doing something they don't want to do. If you keep them busy with activities they can do together, and get in there with them and play, they will learn that they can have fun with each other, and perhaps you can gradually ease your way out.

Let your MIL know that you want them to get along better first before you put them in a situation where they will be fighting for the entire weekend.

You shouldn't take it personal, as I'm sure your MIL doesn't know that your kids are coming home upset, and if she does know they don't get along, she probably doesn't know how to fix things.

Simply shielding them from people they don't get along with will not do any good. Try to reconcile things with your MIL, because children know when there is conflict, and they may blame themselves for the fight. Then ask your MIL to help you take a pro-active approach in helping the girls to get along.

Hope that helps a little...

 

[Jillian1527]

If the 11 year old stays with them every weekend, why were you assuming she wouldn't be there on this particular weekend?

I understand that you don't want your daughters to get hurt, but they need to learn to get along with their cousin, and just not letting them be around her doesn't do much to solve the problem.

However, I don't think that leaving them at your MIL and hoping they will get along would be the best solution either.

Perhaps you could have a play date sometime, you could have a sleepover at your house with all 3 girls and plan activities for them, so no one is being "tricked" into doing something they don't want to do. If you keep them busy with activities they can do together, and get in there with them and play, they will learn that they can have fun with each other, and perhaps you can gradually ease your way out.

Let your MIL know that you want them to get along better first before you put them in a situation where they will be fighting for the entire weekend.

You shouldn't take it personal, as I'm sure your MIL doesn't know that your kids are coming home upset, and if she does know they don't get along, she probably doesn't know how to fix things.

Simply shielding them from people they don't get along with will not do any good. Try to reconcile things with your MIL, because children know when there is conflict, and they may blame themselves for the fight. Then ask your MIL to help you take a pro-active approach in helping the girls to get along.

Hope that helps a little...

Thank you. I guess I had hoped that my Brother would want to be with her and watch her himself. and that my Mother in law said about spending time with them. she didnt mention her as well.
I have had playdates with her. I have been asked to watch her many times when my brother needs someone. I just dont like that when shes over I feel I need to be with them all the time to make sure thing are going well. and I also dont like to correct others children.maybe I am just to overprotective.
thank you again for yor advice. I am sure we will make up.
-Jillian

 

[christianmom]

I see your dilema. I would also protect my children. I know that they need to learn to handle confrontation but I also feel they should be learning it from their parents not left to their own to handle it while visiting. When you handle conflict the children will see your modled behavior and learn how to handle it. IMO they are much too young to be left to flounder. Throughout their childhood they should have many opportunities to see you and your husband handle conflict and if they are seeing a Christlike attitude then they should know appropirate behavior once they are older. OTOH, I also believe that you should submit to you husband's final word. I would explain your thoughts and feelings to him and let him make the final decision. He should be leader of the home.

In the future, I would make sure you and MIL are clear of the circumstances before planning an overnite in order to insure that everyone is on the same page. Perhaps this would eliminate potential conflict.

I think when you have her over you should correct her. If you are uncomfortable with that, then you should talk with her parents to be sure that they understand that you will discipline her if it is needed and how you will do it. I don't think you can adequately keep her overnite without being able to correct her. Perhaps if you talk with your brother about it, then you will feel more comfortable doing it. When my children spend the night away from home, I want the person in charge to discipline. Otherwise, my children learn real quick that they can do what they want.

 

[Evening Mist]

I would not have let them stay either! An overnight visit is a very *big* deal for my kids, and I go out of my way to make sure that I am aware of the circumstances and the plan, and that my children are prepared for whatever is going to be happening as well. If I were to go to drop my children with a grandparent, and I found that cousin would also be there, and I hadn't been warned -- then I would take my kids back home again. My own 2 children overnight is enough for one grandparent to look after. The added dynamic of another child (no matter her temperment or behavior) would be too much IMO, especially if we hadn't had a chance to talk about it ahead of time.