An open letter to anyone who has adopted or is considering adoption

[If Not For Grace]

Adoption should be the very last resort after all other options have been tried

I take issue s/several things the OP stated but mostly the comment above.
First any child who is available for adoption is ALREADY in an orphanage and most any home is a better enviornment than an institution. Most states have pre-requisits for adoptive parents which is more than just being able to bred which is the only requirement for bearing children in the general population.

Moses was adpoted . . . talk about purpose...but I digress.

As an adopted child I KNEW I was WANTED which is more than my friends whose parents called them surprises. Most "unwanted" children live in single parent homes where one parent just left ore refused to have anything to do with the child and the other got "stuck" rasing the child. Still others were conceived in attempts to have a boy in order to continue the family name or have been raised in a "you made your bed you lie in it" environment.

I also know several women (most were teenagers at the time) who gave up children for adoption. It was a heartbreaking decision for them, but most did so in hopes of their children having better lives than the one they knew they would be able to provide at the time. Most of these girls lived in poverty already and were between the ages of 15-18 when the decision was made.

I do not have a "loss" experience. I have a gain...I have never had a desire to know, contact or find my birth mother-I only wish I had a medical history and I have wondered espically during my own teenage years whether or not I had siblings (I used to have a fear of dating a brother)but as fas as loss-can't say I felt that at all. I was gratefull not to be left in an orphanage and to become a part of a REAL family. I love my parents (who are now in their 80's) and no one could have been better to me nor for me.

I also feel it gives me a better understanding of God's Kingdom. We have all (Christians that is) been adopted. There is no greater gift to be given nor received. A child being given to parents who could not concieve ("Filling a need") will be treausred way more than one who was #3 of 5. People who choose to adopt are generous way beyond those who simply have sex and a child is the result.

No child is more planned or wanted than the one who is adopted. I love celebrating my birthday and I say some adoptees may need to take a second look if they feel the way the OP describes her circumstances. IF you were adopted, you were CHOSEN not just "had"....so Be Glad! Thank God you have a loving family-many children even in conventional homes do not. JMO and I'm gald it differs from the OP.

 

[Elenka764]

I take issue s/several things the OP stated but mostly the comment above.
First any child who is available for adoption is ALREADY in an orphanage and most any home is a better enviornment than an institution. Most states have pre-requisits for adoptive parents which is more than just being able to bred which is the only requirement for bearing children in the general population.

Moses was adpoted . . . talk about purpose...but I digress.

As an adopted child I KNEW I was WANTED which is more than my friends whose parents called them surprises. Most "unwanted" children live in single parent homes where one parent just left ore refused to have anything to do with the child and the other got "stuck" rasing the child. Still others were conceived in attempts to have a boy in order to continue the family name or have been raised in a "you made your bed you lie in it" environment.

I also know several women (most were teenagers at the time) who gave up children for adoption. It was a heartbreaking decision for them, but most did so in hopes of their children having better lives than the one they knew they would be able to provide at the time. Most of these girls lived in poverty already and were between the ages of 15-18 when the decision was made.

I do not have a "loss" experience. I have a gain...I have never had a desire to know, contact or find my birth mother-I only wish I had a medical history and I have wondered espically during my own teenage years whether or not I had siblings (I used to have a fear of dating a brother)but as fas as loss-can't say I felt that at all. I was gratefull not to be left in an orphanage and to become a part of a REAL family. I love my parents (who are now in their 80's) and no one could have been better to me nor for me.

I also feel it gives me a better understanding of God's Kingdom. We have all (Christians that is) been adopted. There is no greater gift to be given nor received. A child being given to parents who could not concieve ("Filling a need") will be treausred way more than one who was #3 of 5. People who choose to adopt are generous way beyond those who simply have sex and a child is the result.

No child is more planned or wanted than the one who is adopted. I love celebrating my birthday and I say some adoptees may need to take a second look if they feel the way the OP describes her circumstances. IF you were adopted, you were CHOSEN not just "had"....so Be Glad! Thank God you have a loving family-many children even in conventional homes do not. JMO and I'm gald it differs from the OP.

I would first like to point out that the majority of adoptions that occur in USA (this site is .com) now are domestic infant adoption. Their is no orphanages involved, a baby will be passed from the birth family to the adoptive family. Even if a child does not find an adoptive family (in the US) they will go into foster care, not an orphanage. The majority of foster careers are kind, loving people who want to give child a safe home.

I adopted from a country where orphanages are the norm. I would like to point out that while they are less than ideal many people believe that living in an orphanage and having regular contact with your biological family is better than losing contact with one family to live with another.

You say that "unwanted" children live in single parent homes. Single parents very much love and want their kids, it takes a strong person to be able to raise a child without a partner and it is not a job to be taken lightly.

I commend the OP, it is very brave to make statements like this and I totally agree. It is very easy to call adopted children gifts and blessings, but ultimately their journey to our families comes our of sadness. I wasn't raised by my parents and while my grandmother was the best parent I could have hope for, I did miss out on knowing my parents and siblings.

 

[SiyoNqoba]

lillivanilli, thank you for sharing your experiences. Because of adoption laws in New Zealand, adoption will probably never be an option for my husband and I, however we are foster parents and are open to the idea of providing a permanent placement home for a child one day, if the opportunity arises.

One of the reasons adoption is so hard in NZ is because of the loss of identity that comes with being separated from one's family. In NZ, in every simple circumstance, by law, an attempt will be made to place the child with family first. Only in the event where there is literally no one in the enitre family who is unable to take the child (and it does happen, down to second cousins and great aunts) will the child be placed outside the family. Even then, it is very unlikely that the child will be permanently removed from the family's care, and there is almost always an effort to keep the child in contact with the family. There is an acknowledgement here that, as loving and caring and wonderful as the new family may be, the child still feels connected to their original family, and so severing that connection is not done lightly.

I think it is important for adoptive (and, in my case, foster) parents to acknowledge that there is sadness in the circumstances that lead to their adoption. A child is never made eligible for adoption for reasons that are good. It is not a good thing that babies are conceived by rape. It is not a good thing that children in third world countries are orphaned by AIDS. It is not a good thing that parents abuse their children. Adoption rescues children from those situations, but that doesn't mean that it isn't sad that they were in that situation in the first place. As parents of these children, it is our responsibility to acknowledge that sadness and loss when it is felt, not deny it.

 

[If Not For Grace]

You say that "unwanted" children live in single parent homes. Single parents very much love and want their kids, it takes a strong person to be able to raise a child without a partner and it is not a job to be taken lightly.

You misunderstand me:
What I said was that MOST UNWANTED children live..not that all children who live in single parent homes are unwanted-there is a big difference. There is a big difference in the woman who wanted a child and the father left or the divorced family than in the unwed home of the teeage runaway, drug addict or prostitute (which is a high number of adopted pregnancies in the US).

A child is never made eligible for adoption for reasons that are good

Truer words have never been spoken. What I see in well adjusted homes of adopted children is the emphasis not being placed on the biology of birth or circumstances of their placement but the JOY they brought to the home which they came. In many cases they "complete" the family unit for families who could not biologically have children or give/become a sibling for a child who might not otherwise have one (2nd pg's are often not an option). The adopting family's attitude toward the process has a good deal of influence on the child's perception of the matter. It is not a matter of denying anything but on accentuating the positive.

I disagree with the idea of a need to be connected to their "original" family and in fact would ague this can do more harm than good. There is no loss of identiy if the child was an infant or very young. The idenity that may have been in tact in the "unwanted" home is not likely to have been healthy. A new and completely detached idenity if possible is the best for the child, otherwise there is a feeling of confusion over who the "real" parents are and all sorts of emotiions to be dealt with. We are seeing evidence of these problems in loving extended familes where there is all the back & forth between divorced parents, the entry of step parents and extra grandparents all competeing and having input (welcomed or not) into the childrens lives.

There is no greater love than that of a COUPLE who is willing to adopt a child and that child is their child once adopted and not something to be shared with "strangers" from another family. JMO but I've worked with it from both ends AND been there and bought the t-shirt and the hat.

 

[Flipper]

You misunderstand me:
What I said was that MOST UNWANTED children live..not that all children who live in single parent homes are unwanted-there is a big difference.

That's still just...wow... Some of the best adjustments I have seen in adoption are in single parent adoption. Are MOST of those kids unwanted too?

 

[Verve]

lillivanilli,

I just want to say thank you for posting your thoughts and feelings about this.
As someone who has always leaned more towards wanting to adopt rather than have biological children this letter and the conversation that has followed has had an impact for sure.

Yes, we should be doing what we can to keep children with their families in healthy environments. When the children are given up or need to be removed it is tragic. We are in a fallen and imperfect world. Not every family situation is a good situation for a child.

The new relationships formed in an adoptive family can be positive and beautiful.
However, it's not the biological family. Not that either family diminishes the value of the other. Of course we want to know where we came from. Of course we all want to feel loved and wanted. The answers aren't always easy.

I'm so glad that there are places for people to talk about these issues and come to understand the uniqueness of every situation.

 

[ButterflyPoette]

Being adopted does hurt in a way because the child was abandoned or taken away from the parents. Yet it is also redemption, because the child finally did get a loving family. Orphanages and foster care are not the ideal places for a child to grow up.

I was also abandoned--by my father. My mother took good care of my sister and I, yet it does hurt that my father wanted nothing to do with raising children. I am almost 33 and I still have pain from my father walking away.

I do hope that these poorer countries can find ways for more families to keep their children, rather than giving them up to orphanages. I also hope that they can find things for the kids to do when they age out, since most just end up on the streets after turning 16 or 18.

 

[redline29]

Hello LilliVanilli,

I want to thank you for your sincere and well-written letter. I have been hungry for the perspectives of adult adoptees, and my search led me here. Your post inspired me to create a new account and send you a reply.

Adult adoptees have wisdom grounded in life experience, and I am so grateful you have shared your perspective with us. I will study your letter, along with others like it, so I can better equip myself to walk with my son as he continues to grapple with his adoption.

If you are an adoptive parent, please take LilliVanilli's letter (and others like it) as the gift it is intended to be. We must be willing to face the complexities of our childrens' stories if we are to help them find peace with God and themselves.

I am hosting a conversation about adoption and foster care at our church tomorrow. I intend to read your article as a way to foster a balanced dialogue about the adoptive process. I pray God gives you increasing joy as you continue to find your identity in Him.

Peace today,
Josh
'redline29'

 

[delvida]

Hi LilliVanilli

I also appreciated your post as you should certainly have made prospective adopters think deeply about the effects of adoption on the child-I also recognise what other people say about each persons experience being different. As the adoptive mother of two teenagers, I went to all the classes possible, but living with the issue is soo different to having a hypothetical view of "What would I do if....".

I wonder though how any adoptive parents could be blind to the trauma that is caused to the child? In those first few weeks whilst all around you are sending cards and being (rightly) so happy for you, the adoptive parents see the terrified faces of the newly adopted child when they wake up in the night and can't be comforted. Personally speaking, it has always been clear to me that adoption was a joy and a blessing for us as parents, but a tragic event in our childrens' lives. Don't want to put my children's issues out there too much (their adoptions were unavoidable) - suffice to say that they have both had either difficulties or deep sadness at the situation, even though they are both treasured and deeply loved. However I believe that these difficulties have made my children stronger as time has passed, they know they are survivors and have compassionate, beautiful hearts. I have faith that they will overcome any difficulties life may throw at them. God is more powerful than any negativity.

Peace.

 

[dlrjdg]

Thank you, Lillivanilli, for the beautiful post. I know it came straight from your heart. We adopted my son at birth, and I didn't realize the things you talked about until my son was almost grown. Adoption should be a last resort. No matter how much we love our children, they will always have feelings that they don't always talk about. I respect how my son feels and I told him I would fully support any effort he would have of finding his family. Sometimes it brings closure, and should always be respected.

 

[dlrjdg]

Thank you, Lillivanilli, for the beautiful post. I know it came straight from your heart. We adopted my son at birth, and I didn't realize the things you talked about until my son was almost grown. Adoption should be a last resort. No matter how much we love our children, they will always have feelings that they don't always talk about. I respect how my son feels and I told him I would fully support any effort he would have of finding his family. Sometimes it brings closure, and should always be respected.