An old boyfriend...

[liveonthestage]

A few years ago, I met this great guy at church camp. Or so I thought. During camp we got really close, and afterwards stayed in touch, and ended up becoming a couple.

At first, everything was great. He was sweet, concerned, and always there for me. After a while, however, he started becoming manipulative and forceful. He would have sexual conversations with me, which he knew that I didn't want to have, but make me feel stupid for not talking about it, so I would. He would threaten to hurt one of my close guy friends because "if he didn't know any better, I was dating him behind his back". He was always trying to convince me to go farther than I wanted to go, and wouldn't respect the fact that I wanted to save myself for marriage. Although we didn't have sex, he would discuss and try to convince me to spend the night.

He came with me to my youth group one day, and afterwards we were walking out and talking, and I said something that he obviously didn't like. He grabbed shoulders hard and backed me into a corner, saying nothing but laughing all same as if it were some big joke. I told him to let go of me and he just kept laughing until he finally let go. I simply tried to laugh it off.

Things kept going on like this for quite some time, until I finally broke it off. After that relationship was over, it was a rough time in my life, but God has filled me with so much joy and love since then!

Now I am starting to date a guy from my youth group. Even though it has been a few years since I was abused by my old boyfriend, it is hard getting into another relationship. I'm afraid of trusting another guy with a fear that it will happen again. I don't want to make that mistake again. Even though I know that this guy would never hurt me, the fear is still there. How do I move on?

 

[Rosebaronet]

Songs of Solomon gives good advise on dating and affair of love, if you feel you cannot trust guys, or wondering what kind of guys you should be dating, you should be able to find comfort and inspiration in Songs of Solomon.

I can't believe a Christian boy would be so worldly, mean and disrespectful, I am happy you broke it off before harm took place.

God Bless.

 

[liveonthestage]

The thing is, is that he said he was a christian, but it turned out he wasn't.

Thank you for your concern and suggestion!

 

[liveonthestage]

We chatted the other day. He (my abuser) says that he has changed, and that he never ment to hurt me. I told him that it doesn't matter how many times he appologizes or what he says, it happened, and unfortunately I can't trust him because of that.

I want to move on, but it is so difficult.

 

[FallingWaters]

You will learn to trust again. It just takes some people longer than others. It is good to use caution and wisdom in relationships. It is good not to rush into intimacy too soon. Keep leaning on God. Stay close to God. Listen to the red flags.

 

[Rosebaronet]

Both of you are young, maybe he needs to mature in his spirituality before he can learn the meaning of love and respect. (They always say men takes slower to mature lol) Love cannot exist without the spiritual aspect, love exists outside spiritual realm is very dangerous.

 

[liveonthestage]

I know what you mean. I just need to know how I can trust again. Trust a guy to not be abusive...trust myself not to get myself into that situation again....

 

[Rosebaronet]

Trust comes very naturally when you find someone who is spiritually your equal, or your superior. Spiritually superior means he will be morally superior, which means he will be kind, respectful and treat you nicely.

 

[liveonthestage]

I'm not so sure about that.... What if you've lost your ablility to easily trust and you have to regain it?

 

[Rosebaronet]

Well, you trust in Jesus yes?, and assuming the guy who is spiritually superior has closer relationship with the Christ than yourself, I am sure Holy Ghost inside him won't allow him to hurt you. But before you find him, you can read Songs of Soloman, I will write a prayer in next post.

 

[Rosebaronet]

Dear Lord Father, we know this young girl who has been wronged, we also know that your wisdom is infinity itself. you are omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent, and we know most importantly that you love us. We pray that you bless her with the wisdom of King Soloman, knowing whom to trust, knowing when to trust, and knowing how to trust. We praise your glory, in Jesus name, Amen.

 

[FallingWaters]

We chatted the other day. He (my abuser) says that he has changed, and that he never ment to hurt me. I told him that it doesn't matter how many times he appologizes or what he says, it happened, and unfortunately I can't trust him because of that.

I want to move on, but it is so difficult.

It's ok that you don't trust him again. That seems like a wise thing to do... but you didn't mention anything about forgiving him, so I just wanted to remind you that it is important for you to forgive him... as you are probably aware from the Lord's prayer- forgive us as we forgive those... and also from Matthew 18:23-35.
Forgiveness is a major key to healing.

It's really nice that he apologized. Some people never do.

 

[FallingWaters]

I'm not so sure about that.... What if you've lost your ablility to easily trust and you have to regain it?

Well, you're right. Trust is the kind of thing that needs to be regained slowly over time. I know what you mean about trusting yourself. I trusted someone in my previous chuch who turned out to be a really bad person. I was very fearful for a long time that I would never be able to trust again... but it does come back. It took several months for me.

 

[FallingWaters]

I once heard a wonderful analogy about trust...

Imagine that every day you walked a path, and on that path was a small wooden bridge that crossed a river. You had crossed this bridge many, many times, never thinking about your safety, or worrying about the sturdiness of the bridge. Then one day, the bridge gave way under your feet, and you fell through and were injured badly.

When you were well enough, you started going on your walks again. In your absence, someone had repaired the bridge. The first time you approached the bridge after your accident, it was only natural that you would question the safety of the bridge. You approached the bridge slowly. You stepped carefully. You tested the boards to be sure they were safe.

It would take many crossings of the bridge before you began to cross it again without a thought about your safety, but eventually you would be able to, because the bridge would demonstrate it’s trustworthiness over a period of time by continued faithfulness.


That’s how human relationships are. When someone breaks our trust, it’s only natural that it will take some time before we feel free to fully trust again.

Some people make take this story as an excuse for unforgiveness, or for holding grudges, and that’s not okay. I only mean it as a demonstration of the fact that broken trust takes a little time to be restored, and no one should be made to feel guilty for that.

Dear liveonthestage,
Your ability to trust people will be restored.

 

[liveonthestage]

Thank you both very much for everything!