Am I Wrong?

[Dewjunkie]

In the 3 or 4 months prior to my daughter Caira's death, she had just begun to appreciate cartoons.  She had a few favorites (Bob the Builder, Spongebob, PB&J Otter to name a few), and she and I would eat breakfast and watch cartoons together.  It's the activity I miss the most.

Now, my younger daughter, Chloe, is beginning to show interest in cartoons.  She'll occassionally sit and watch TV (although, thankfully, she'd much rather play with her toys or the dog than watch TV).  My dilemma is that I cannot stand to sit and watch some of the cartoons I used to watch with Cai with her.  it hurts too much.  So, we just don't let her watch any of them.  That narrows the choices, and I can't help but think I'm being selfish and unfair to Chloe. 

Am I wrong for not allowing Chloe to experience the same things Caira did, because it hurts me?  I promised myself that Cai's death wasn't going to change how I parented Chloe, but it is.  Do you think I should just "suck it up" and let Chloe decide which cartoons she likes, just like I did Cai?    

 

[BeanMak]

I am very sorry for your loss.
I don't think you are "wrong." There isn't a right or wrong answer, it is just how you feel. In reality, it won't hurt your daughter any to "miss" cartoons. There will be more and different ones when she is older. Leave off the television, sit and read books with her, she won't miss the TV, and you and she can make new and special memories together.

 

[* kittie *]

i'm terribly sorry about your loss.  and i can see how these cartoons would trigger these feelings.  i'm really not sure if it's right or wrong for you to do that (not let her watch).  actually, i don't even think there's an answer to that.  but i think that you should really...pray and seek healing from God.  i know everyone says that, but here's my story. 

i know that it's probably not the same, but i wanna help as much as i can.  and actually, losing a child is probably the hardest thing to go through.  but um...i lost my dad some time ago, and i went through a period of time where i couldn't do anything that reminded me of him.  forget looking at a picture.  and if someone mentioned him, i would go in my room and cry.  if people mentioned their story of loss, i would be reminded and cry again.  then i'd be depressed for the next several days, and again when i was reminded again.  it was a cycle.  and at that time, i was told that i should pray and get over it.  but then the way i heard it...i felt that it was me who had to change myself.  and that made me feel even worse, cuz then i felt that it was my fault for being sad.  not only that, sometimes i felt like it was my fault he died.  but it's not like that.

anyways, i finally found out why i was so depressed again and again.  i was trying to be happy "by God"...but by myself.  like i would hear an awesome message, feel happy, only to be depressed again later.  being healed from something like that isn't about pushing your feelings down, and acting like your happy.  that will not cure the pain forever.  but...i guess it's like a supernatural peace.  and i wouldn't say that i'm like the "best christian".  i still fail when it comes to my relationship with Him.  but just realize that He is the only one that can permanantly heal you.  basically...that you are helpless without Him. 

uh...i'm not sure if i'm saying everything correctly.  i don't want you to think that it's your fault for being sad...cuz it isn't.  i don't even think it has to do with an awesome christian life.  but just knowing in your heart that only God can heal you...and then just leaving it at that.  i guess it's like...if you wanna be sad, it's okay.  but know that Christ is going to work things out in your life.  uh...i hope that all came out right.

but anyways...until then, i don't think there's a problem with not watching those cartoons with Chloe.

 

[ZiSunka]

It's part of the mourning process to be upset when you see things that you enjoyed with Caira. It just shows that you aren't over it yet, that you aren't ready to get back to "normal life" quite yet. It isn't that long ago that you lost her.

If I were you, I'd put Chole to bed or let someone take her on a little outing, then sit in front of the tv with the cartoons on, then watch them and let yourself cry it out. Let your tears, anger and grief flow and let your heart get washed with God's special cleanser--tears.

You may have to do it several times before you are done and can let Chloe watch without it riping your heart open again.

Don't be afraid, let God use the cartoons to help you heal.

 

[lucypevensie]

Your loss is so sad to think about. I'm sad for you.

I like the advice Lambslove gave you.

You aren't expected to just go on as if nothing happened. It's understandable that the cartoons make you sad. But I kind of think that shutting off the cartoons might be keeping you from grieving. Of course, Chloe doesn't need Spongebob and TV shows, but I think you might want to get past that little barrier of grief that you feel when a familiar show comes on. If you turn off the TV will something else begin to trigger these sad feelings (a favorite song, a favorite activity of Caira's, etc.)?

That's why I agree that it might be good for you to sit and watch the shows alone and pour out your grief. I think it is possible for you and Chloe to enjoy the same things, but give yourself some time.

 

[Amy]

I like what Lucy said:

You aren't expected to just go on as if nothing happened.

I don't think it's wrong to avoid those cartoons.

 

[Bruno]

Originally posted by Dewjunkie
My dilemma is that I cannot stand to sit and watch some of the cartoons I used to watch with Cai with her.  it hurts too much. 

Don't let this hurt. Your daughter is waiting for you in heaven. Celebrate the fact that she is with Jesus now. Don't bother trying to forget her by avoiding the things she loved. Love them yourself and when you think about Caira, smile, don't frown. She is not as far as you think! 

 

[Extirpated Wildlife]

Im sorry for the loss.

But you can't allow your loss to restrict your other child. Your punishing your other child for something she is not doing wrong.


You might want to try what Lambslove ask you to do. Or even better yet, Call Dr Laura. She probably would give you some good advice that is the right thing to do.

 

[wrench_twister]

I too think lambslove has given you great advice.

I don't think not letting the other child watch cartoons is going to emotionally scar them, but not allowing yourself to heal is going to take a toll on you.You will never "Get over it" but you must get through it.Cherish the memories you have,and appriciate the time you had with her on earth.But by all means you must allow God to help you heal.Regaurdless of what has happened, you still have to be the best you you can be for Chloe.

I will be praying that God bring healing to you,and your family.

Good luck,
Your brother in Christ
WT

 

[KeepTheFaith15]

i think all the advice was great. im still very sorry for your loss. lambslove had the best advice isnt she just so great with words.

 

[Dewjunkie]

Thanks, everyone. I'm still struggling in my mind with it (along with many, many other things), and I think I may try lamb's advice, but not today.

 

[forjesus]

I will pray for you, and I am so sorry for your loss. I love the name Chloe, my baby girls name is Kloe. Just do what your heart tells you to do. If it is uncomfortable to watch these, then I'm sure Chloe will be happy watching other shows. I pray you and your family will be blessed in every way.