am I wrong?

[pockleberry]

Your mum might be upset about it at first but if you explain to her that you find it easier to talk with out her there she will understand hun...i went through the same thing with my mum

 

[luv4godremains]

yer, I just don't wanna upset her!
I feel like I have to take care of her, keep her well and ok.
it put too much stress on me this week though, I really needed a lift home from work yesterday to keep myself safe, but she wouldn't, she didn't understand.
I kept annoying all the drivers cos I was walking in the middle of like the busyiest road here, not caring if I got hit, and dissapointed when all the cars missed me! they kept stopping, I feel awful, I just want to go, and she doesn't understand, she doesn't get that I can't always be taking care of her and my sister, and at the moment, I seem to be made to feel like I have to!

 

[Im-revived]

Sweetheart, your making yourself guilty, worrying about how you think your mum will feel. Please talk to her, she will understand, maybe not immediately, but she as a mother has to respect what and how you need to get the best help. If you look at ur situation seriously, what do you think your mum would want to do, would it be:-
1. You not to say anything, become more ill, and possible serious consequences.
2. To tell her you are getting help, because you can't cope
3. Help her understand why you don't want her there.

Give your mum a chance at least to understand Love.

God Bless

Im-revived

yer, I just don't wanna upset her!
I feel like I have to take care of her, keep her well and ok.
it put too much stress on me this week though, I really needed a lift home from work yesterday to keep myself safe, but she wouldn't, she didn't understand.
I kept annoying all the drivers cos I was walking in the middle of like the busyiest road here, not caring if I got hit, and dissapointed when all the cars missed me! they kept stopping, I feel awful, I just want to go, and she doesn't understand, she doesn't get that I can't always be taking care of her and my sister, and at the moment, I seem to be made to feel like I have to!

 

[inHisgripkim]

I had to be taken to hospital yesterday, I feel no remorse for what I did, only the fear I put in my friend and for wasting the paramedics time on someone who doesn't know how to stop. I wouldn't even call for help myself, my friend had to, I knew it was bad, but I was too scared to go, "yer, I just did this to myself, can you sort it out for me please?" and I feel really bad for them and for the people who found out (my friend rang the church so I wouldn't be on my own their cos she lives a while away) but I don't feel bad about what I did at all! In fact, right now, I need to do it soo bad again, but I'm tryin not to. do you guys think I'm wrong for not caring about what I did?

Dear Sweet Angel:

It is obvious you are hurting and for this I feel for you and pray to our Heavenly Father that He reveal Himself to you in gentleness, love, and healing.

I do know from experience from my own struggles that caring can hurt and sometimes we feel so much hurt that we don't want to care. Trying not to care is because we do. To say we don't care makes coping easier. Cutting is the same thing. We cut because we cannot sit with our pain. Cutting is a way of controlling painful feelings, away of distracting us from other forms of pain because what ever is really causing us to hurt we feel is unbearable.

I don't know what has caused you so much pain but perhaps in the end that is not important. What is important is to climb out of that pain and be free from it. I come from a history of sexual abuse and have lived much of my life in turmoil. I got tired of that turmoil and decided it was time to climb out.

First and formost I set my sights on the Lord. I set my heart, soul and mind on the Lord and I commune with Him. I talk to Him. I surrender that pain to Him. I literally talk out loud to Jesus and I tell Him, "Lord, I turn my life over to you right now. I turn my will over to you right now. I turn my past over to you right now. I turn my pain over to you right now. I put you in control and I turst you with all my heart. I trust you Lord that You will take control of my life and guide me out of this darkness. I trust You Lord! "

What ever is hurting you. Let it go and give it to the Lord. He can handle it. Remember the pain and suffering He endured for us. He did that because He loves us that much. Give it to Him. Don't hang on to it any longer.

Before, I could never cry. I can cry now. I get down and sob and cry to Jesus. I don't have to carry that pain. He wants to take it away. And I give it to Him.

I have learned that feelings are just feelings. Our thinking controls how we feel. Stay positive. Think positive. Think about the Lord. Sing to the Lord. Read about the Lord. Listen to Christian music. Stay in Him.
He makes us feel good. Stay in Him.

PM me any time. In the meantime, you may want to read my story in my blog. Read "The Pearl" and "The Pearl."

There is Faith, Hope, and Love. He gave that to us.

I'm here. We all are here for you.
Praying for you.\
InHisgripkim

 

[luv4godremains]

thanks Jane, I know you're right, I'm gonna try and talk to her soon, I can't keep making excuses, they just won't do really. I know that I'm doing it, and I have to take control and stop it!

thanks inhisgripkim, I try and give it to God, and sometimes I manage it, but it's really hard, I know it'll take time, I'm just really struggling right now, and it feels like nothing will ever take my pain away!

 

[inHisgripkim]

thanks Jane, I know you're right, I'm gonna try and talk to her soon, I can't keep making excuses, they just won't do really. I know that I'm doing it, and I have to take control and stop it!

thanks inhisgripkim, I try and give it to God, and sometimes I manage it, but it's really hard, I know it'll take time, I'm just really struggling right now, and it feels like nothing will ever take my pain away!

I know it seems so unbearable at times. I've been down that road to a point I felt totally hopeless. I kept fighting because I was determined not to let those who hurt me win. You and I know that there are no quick fixes. But I can tell you that things do get better. They do. We just have to keep on looking for those things that help our recovery. It's work and relapse is soooo frustrating. But....from my own hell, I can tell you that it will get better. I

Took me a very long time to get to the point in my recovery. Recovery is progressive and there are so many subtle changes that go on inside of us that we can't recognize them immediately. Overtime these changes in our thinking, our perspective, our faith, our behavior build upon one another to a point where we start feeling better and better and then we start getting more better days than down days. Then the down days become less and less and less and then we find we have made it to the top of the mountain and the rest of the way is down hill.

There is a good book titled The Power of Now. It's a wonderful recovery book that teaches you to stay in the present. The human mind keeps going like a never ending movie. We think consciously and unconsciously. Half the time we aren't even aware of what the mind is thinking about. Much of what we think is repetitive. What we thought about yesterday, we think about today, and we will think about tomorrow.

Certain thoughts trigger the part of the brain that causes us to feel dispair. One thing about recovery is to be aware of our thinking. If we are aware of our thoughts we can control where our mind takes us. We can take it away from painful thoughts and we can take it to pleasant thoughts. Staying in the present keeps your mind on what is happening at this very moment in time. Just try staying present for a little bit. Look around you and observe shapes and colors. Listen to sounds. Be aware of the smells around you. Be aware of your body movement and your breathing. It's a wonderful exercise and a great form of meditation.

I do recommend that book. It might make a subtle change in your perspective which overtime will be an aid in your recovery. It does get better. There will be a time where you will become a butterfly. You will be freed from your caccoon. You will be stronger that ever when that happens. Keep on plugging away. In the meantime, we are all here.

A friend of mine told me to take baby steps and put one little foot in front of the other.
Blessings upon blessings to you. You are in my prayers.
kim

 

[Im-revived]

like i said before sweetheart, she will understand, remember she loves you and does only want the best for you. At times like this it is hard to give it all to God, as the emotions you feel make you feel unworthy, not good enough even for Jesus, like you said sometimes you can battle it, but other times your so numb your whole mind is full off harming yourself. This will come to an end, God has hold of you even when you doubt it.

Im-revived

thanks Jane, I know you're right, I'm gonna try and talk to her soon, I can't keep making excuses, they just won't do really. I know that I'm doing it, and I have to take control and stop it!

thanks inhisgripkim, I try and give it to God, and sometimes I manage it, but it's really hard, I know it'll take time, I'm just really struggling right now, and it feels like nothing will ever take my pain away!

 

[luv4godremains]

thanks guys,

I haven't had the courage to speak to mum, but I had an appt today, the one I have on my own generally cos of mum's work, and made it pretty clear that I need some time without my mum there, I will talk to her, probably tomorrow as she asked me for another appt.

I feel pretty guilty tho, I lied to her, I've been really ill today, I O.D last night, not badly because I couldn't go home to get the rest of the tabs, but I said that I had just bought some and my friend caught me and took them off me, it was so she wouldn't tell my mum/put it in the notes, but I feel really awful for doing that.

I will try and talk to mum in tomorrow, but we barely even say a word to each other anymore, my sister is tearing our family apart, and it's gonna be soo hard to talk to her. I'll keep trying untill I manage to find the strength in God to do so!