Am I Wrong in This?

[Freakconformist]

I'm sorry if this just seems like a complaint thread, but my best friend and I have been having a difference in opinion about something for a while now, and her latest accusations have really upset me.

Since we were teenage girls she was the social extrovert that always had something going on. I was the artistic introvert that was always content to do things on my own.

As we grew into adulthood things changed, life happened, but we were always able to get together and hang out. At some points in our lives we were in each others pockets, working at the same job, hanging out with the same people, and going to the same church. Since she doesn't drive, I basically took her everywhere she needed to go.

Then she met a guy, and, of course, she started doing everything with him. By time they got married, I had already dealt with my feelings of abandonment and I started doing things on my own. Naturally, we saw each other less and less.

In the last few years my friend has started complaining that she's the only one who ever instigates social activity. She has gotten really bitter about this to the point of leaving passive aggressive posts on Facebook about how nobody likes her because nobody wants to get together with her anymore.

I tried to explain to her that as an unemployed introvert, even if I had the money to go hang out at the coffee shop, I probably wouldn't think of it anyway, because I'm content with doing things on my own. That's how I did things before I met her, that's how I did things every time she found a new group of friends to hang out with, and that's how I do things now.

She doesn't see it that way. In her minds eye, I'm purposefully waiting for her to make plans and get everybody together. Apparently, I'm just being lazy and taking her for granted, which I can sort of accede to, if "hanging out" were my goal and not hers. Let me put it this way, it's like she's complaining about me not wearing a sweater, when she's the one who's cold...

The thing is, I have instigated "hang out" time a few times. The problem is that every time I hang out with her lately, it's a one-sided "witch" fest. Between her job (I'm unemployed), co-workers (my "co-workers" are my aging parents), and her husband (not even in the forecast for me), she's a never ending record of complaints. It wouldn't be so bad if I could change the topic, but apparently whatever I have to say is boring. No, really, she as much as told me that I don't have anything "new" to say because I'm unemployed and I don't "do" anything.

Even when we're with her husband she nags and belittles him to a shocking degree. Not that he doesn't have his faults, but I personally don't like that she humiliates him like that in front of me and in public. I don't know if she expects me to take her side or what, because I told her from the beginning that her nagging is on level with verbal abuse.

When she's not complaining, she's ignoring me. I've gone over to her house several times when she was first married and she sat on her computer while I sat there and watched hours of re-runs I didn't particularly care about. When we did go out, she pulled out her phone, after she was done complaining about whatever. Eventually I just stopped going over there.

I mean, seriously, would you go out of your way to hang out with somebody who treats you like this? Especially, when you can be happier at home doing your own thing? It's not like she's always like this, but most of the time, yeah.

 

[Goodbook]

Meh.
Doesnt sound likes shes much of a friend. Just because you hang out a lot in high school, doesnt mean you always have to do so.

Be careful who you say is your best friend. Ppl who complain all the time really annoy me. You are not married to her, dont be unequally yoked. Is she a christian?

 

[Gentle Lamb]

I would go out of my way to avoid her, as she is showing classic signs of verbal and possibly also emotional abuse, to you & to her husband. Not a good basis for a friendship. Pray and ask for God's wisdom and guidance in how to deal with her and this situation, and in the meantime, take some much needed time away from that negativity. Immerse yourself in the Word of God where you can read about how much He loves you and reading the word will also show you more on what issues to pray on and will help bring the Word into your prayers. Everyone needs prayer and one of the most loving things we can do for people we love is to place them into God's capable hands through our prayers. By doing this, He will work the situation out for both you and for her, and help you grow in strength and faith as He brings you both to a better place in relationship to Him and to each other.

 

[paul1149]

Why do you care what she thinks? If you've tried to reason with her and gotten nowhere, take a step or two backward. Assess where you want this relationship to be. Always be yourself, because the bitterness of this situation seems to want to rub off on you. And that's not worth it.

 

[Odetta]

Your friend is clearly quite unhappy with her life. That doesn't mean she gets to treat others shabbily. It's Ok to distance yourself from her because of that, but I would keep her in your prayers.

 

[eastcascade]

I am sorry you are around such a negative and unhappy person. Sometimes friendships are seasonal and are only meant to last for a period of time. If you are feeling drained, unhappy, used and not spiritually uplifted by this person I agree with the other responses, you need to distance yourself from this person. You can certainly pray for her! But you need to protect yourself in the process. I say this confidently as I have had to do this myself on more than one occasion. It isn't easy but you will feel peace if you believe it is the right thing to do; distance yourself.

 

[Freakconformist]

@Goodbook: She is a Christian, I can't say where's she's at with her walk with God right now, though.

You have a good point, but she hasn't always been this way. She used to be a very loving and friendly person.
Sure, she has always had a bit of a self-centered-ness about her, but I always accepted that as a part of her extrovert personality. She was always too busy getting to know everybody to sit down and pay attention to one person. Believe it or not, there are times when I would say that she was very thoughtful and caring.

Then she starts complaining to me about her commute to her full time professional job where she's getting paid enough to afford an apartment, all of her bills, and enough on the side to go on several trips a year on her salary alone. Did I mention that I'm unemployed and have no money? I tried to point out that she actually has it pretty good, especially in this economy, and she jumped down my throat and cried that "nobody understands". Yes. I don't understand. Sorry.

Quite honestly, I think I'm just getting sick of her childishness. A part of me just wants to tell her to grow up and consider other people for once. She has a good life, yet she insists that she's being shafted somehow. I don't even know what to say to that. As, @paul1149 suggested, I've tried reasoning with her, but she just insists on hanging on to her bitterness. I think I'm just starting to realize that I can't do anything about it.

 

[BFine]

The majority of believers do not like being treated like
a servant...that's why we are to clothe ourselves in
Christ and show agape-- like our Lord did to Judas,
"doubting Thomas, overzealous Peter etc.

Jesus spent time alone with his Heavenly Father in prayer...
I believe this is key for us who are called
by His name...Christian...when the world is too much...go
into your "prayer closet" and cry out to the Lord...renew
your mind often on the Word of God.

The Lord will empower you/us to deal with difficult people...
I know because I spent much of my life dealing with bigots on a daily basis in NC.

Psalm 119:105
"Your word is a lamp to my feet And a light to my path."

 

[Goodbook]

sounds like she's unhappy in her job, which even if you earning pots of money never makes up for the fact that you may be doing something you hate.

thus venting to you. If she's not counting her blessings, then, I don't know. she can quit.
I had a friend like that, I was unemployed, all she did was complain about her job. Then I was in a job that was sucking the life out of me...

pray for her. but its ok to take a break, you don't have to be in the firing line.

 

[Mister_Al]

I would really like to hear your friends side before making a judgment on her.

Alan

 

[Swan7]

It sounds like to me (not making a judgement) that your friend needs a lot of Prayer intervention. She needs God in her life as she seems to have become lost in the world of worldly things.
I'm sure she and you are getting a lot of prayer work done in both situations.

Talk to God and see where He leads you.

 

[counJS]

I would really try to avoid her at all costs. Miserable people tend to make others miserable around them

 

[ValleyGal]

Does she feel this way with all her relationships (being the one to initiate), or is it just with you?

Sometimes we need to have really uncomfortable conversations. Your friend might just benefit from one right now. What I mean is, if she feels like all her friends are deserting her, it is likely because she has become a drag to hang out with - she is negative, complains, etc. Maybe someone (you?) need to tell her that she is becoming increasingly difficult to want to spend time with because of the negativity, mean comments she makes about her husband, and complaining she does. Of course, having this kind of conversation will require a lot of tact, and you will need to pray to make sure your heart is in the right place - iow, is it for your benefit you are saying this, or because you are genuinely concerned about her ability to get along with others? If it's for your sake, don't have the conversation, but if it's because you love her enough to talk to her about this, then go ahead with the conversation. Otoh, if you decide not to have the conversation, it might still be a good idea to let her know why you are choosing to distance yourself from the friendship. After so many years together, imo, it is common courtesy to say why - kind of like breaking up with a long-time partner...it is only right to provide your reasons.

 

[Bluelion]

Just because a person says they are saved doesn't mean they are. She is very un happy with her life. Sounds like God is calling to her. as for you, if your willing set a time once a week or every two weeks or every month what ever when you will spend time with her as long as its not toxic to you. Just love her and be compassionate, show her by example. Selfishness is not a quality of The Holy Spirit in fact it is the opposite, it sounds like she needs to be saved. Think of ways to do good to her then you will be acting as a true child of God. We do good because it will melt her heart at some point she will feel bad, but if its harming you love from a distance.

 

[tturt]

She talks TO you or put another way, you have become her "sounding off to person." She gets upset when you're not available to hear her out. It has become all about her.

You have to decide if you want to continue in this solo role = when she wants, expects, and needs you to listen.