Am I obligated to go?

[l0v3n]

My "friend" is getting married next summer and invited me to be her bridesmaid. This was an odd request because we do not talk to one another that often. After that conversation, it was the last time I talked to her until today. So I feel I am being thrown around and used AGAIN. Her friendship burdens me because she is not treating me like a friend. I know basically nothing new in her life. Even that, she still considers me a part of her life so she felt the need to invite me. She also had invited me to go with her and her sister to find dresses but every time I asked when it was going to happen, It was either an "I don't know? Or No, not yet." I found out just today that just her and her sister went without me. Actions speak more then words and I no longer feel obligated to go to this wedding. Can I say that I cannot go or should I continue on with the invitation? I don't feel that I deserve to be a bridesmaid at her wedding any longer if she continues to be hot and cold to me. What should I do?

 

[vjaine]

No, you are definitely not obliged to be a bridesmaid because she offered. You can kindly refuse. If she irritates you now, chances are that she will be even worse during a stressful wedding day. You do not have to attend the wedding either. You may even send a gift to communicate no hard feelings.

Put yourself in the bride's shoes. Would you want someone who felt used by you as a bridesmaid?

I was in a similar situation. I refused to be bridesmaid (didn't want the responsibility and she asked out of obligation), but I liked the bride enough to attend the out of town wedding. Best wishes!

 

[Hotpepper]

You may not like what I have to say. You are not your own, you in fact belong to another Person. This Person demands that you love unconditionally, to give and not ever expect anything in return, this even includes a simple "thank you". It is not others that we serve or even ourselves but God who we serve through others. They are a sort of conduit to return your love to God that He has unconditionally given to you. My advice is to think of your friend and put her needs in front of your own. Even if she were your enemy, your love for her well being should supersede your own feelings of indignation. This Person to whom you belong is Christ and just as He suffered for us even when we were still yet sinners and unworthy, out of love, we should also set aside ourselves and suffer for others out of love for Christ who loved us first.

"To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable, because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you." ~ C.S. Lewis

 

[Jenster]

I agree with vjaine. A bridesmaid is a friend who is enthusiastic about your wedding and wants to support you as you approach the big day. You sound like you just said yes initially because you were thrown off by her asking you.

You do have a choice, as HotPepper notes. You can choose to love her unconditionally, which is probably what you should try to do should you continue to be her bridesmaid. Have you prayed about this at all? You other choice is to tell her that you're sorry, but you'd prefer not to be a bridesmaid after all. If you would still like to support her in her wedding, offer to help in another way -- there are plenty of other tasks that will need to be done.

 

[LyraJean]

You may not like what I have to say. You are not your own, you in fact belong to another Person. This Person demands that you love unconditionally, to give and not ever expect anything in return, this even includes a simple "thank you". It is not others that we serve or even ourselves but God who we serve through others. They are a sort of conduit to return your love to God that He has unconditionally given to you. My advice is to think of your friend and put her needs in front of your own. Even if she were your enemy, your love for her well being should supersede your own feelings of indignation. This Person to whom you belong is Christ and just as He suffered for us even when we were still yet sinners and unworthy, out of love, we should also set aside ourselves and suffer for others out of love for Christ who loved us first.

"To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable, because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you." ~ C.S. Lewis

I have to disagree. She can politely refuse that she cannot attend. This does not mean that she hates the bride but that she refuses to be treated like a doormat by her.

 

[Hotpepper]

I have to disagree. She can politely refuse that she cannot attend. This does not mean that she hates the bride but that she refuses to be treated like a doormat by her.

Sure, that would be the easiest way to handle it. It would be much harder however to "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Especially toward someone who treats you like a doormat. It just seems to me that not accepting her invitation and honor to be a bridesmaid is one thing but not to show up altogether is another. This would cause even more contention... Also, if the only reason to refuse to go is because she and her sister went out and picked the dress without her, wouldn't that be the absolute wrong reason to refuse to attend? In fact, wouldn't this be a wrong for a wrong? "Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always try to be kind to each other and to everyone else." (1 Thessalonians 5:15) I'm not saying that I think l0v3n should always be at her "friend's" beck and call, ever continuously enduring "being thrown around and used".... I'm only saying that for this particular special occasion of a wedding, accepting the honor for Christ's sake would be a great opportunity to let the Holy Spirit shine.
l0v3n can of course do whatever she feels is appropriate.

 

[MyRightEye]

The Word says

33`Again, ye heard that it was said to the ancients: Thou shalt not swear falsely, but thou shalt pay to the Lord thine oaths;
34but I -- I say to you, not to swear at all; neither by the heaven, because it is the throne of God,
35nor by the earth, because it is His footstool, nor by Jerusalem, because it is a city of a great king,
36nor by thy head mayest thou swear, because thou art not able one hair to make white or black; 37but let your word be, Yes, Yes, No, No, and that which is more than these is of the evil.

In Matthew 5. It doesn't say "Let your yes be yes and let your no be yes" . . . between now and next summer is plenty of time for her to find an alternate bridesmaid.

 

[TheDag]

My "friend" is getting married next summer and invited me to be her bridesmaid. This was an odd request because we do not talk to one another that often. After that conversation, it was the last time I talked to her until today. So I feel I am being thrown around and used AGAIN. Her friendship burdens me because she is not treating me like a friend. I know basically nothing new in her life. Even that, she still considers me a part of her life so she felt the need to invite me. She also had invited me to go with her and her sister to find dresses but every time I asked when it was going to happen, It was either an "I don't know? Or No, not yet." I found out just today that just her and her sister went without me. Actions speak more then words and I no longer feel obligated to go to this wedding. Can I say that I cannot go or should I continue on with the invitation? I don't feel that I deserve to be a bridesmaid at her wedding any longer if she continues to be hot and cold to me. What should I do?

My first instinct is to say let your yes be yes and your no be no. That means seem as you have said yes then go ahead with it.

Of course this does not mean you can't catch up with her and talk about it sometime. Say to her that you were glad to go dress shopping with her when she asked but a little confused that she chose not to take you. Let her know while you are happy to continue in the role if she has changed her mind then she is welcome to change bridesmaids and you won't hold it against her. Explain what you see your role as being and ask if she she sees it differently and what she would like you to do. perhaps see if there are tasks you can do independently. Basically leave it up to your friend but let her know that you will follow through on it. Let her know it is important to you to follow through and if she changes plans could she let you know. She may not be using you as a doormat despite past history. if she is then you need to st boundaries but perhaps after the wedding.

 

[Avniel]

I dont know truthfully, in all actuality I am getting married in feb and I need to call my best man. I haven't talked to him since the end of june. That doesn't mean we aren't friends just that I have been busy, in actuality I don't talk to any of my friends like that. I really just speak to my grandma and grandpa, there is a lot to do. And honestly she may have had so much on her mind she forgot, or maybe she felt like there would be to many people there and it would make her nervous and didnt know how to tell you, maybe she just thought later on that she wanted it to just be a sister outing. You never know.

I feel for her because doing all the wedding stuff can be a lot of work.....I mean it has been for me but I'm not really planning anything. Then on top of that you know you got to get close to your in laws also, there are a few of them that want to know you better. A wedding can be a hectic time(well maybe hectic is a bad thing to say but a busy and prayerful time) who knows she might just be over extended.

I have friends that are mad at me for even getting married, I have friends that want me to able to jump when they say "come through." But in reality I can't I have responsibilities to take care of, so I don't give my friends that much time. It doesn't bother me because they are just friends and not like family or nothing.

 

[ezeric]

Sometimes we are the 'only' true friend somebody has.

I remember, when I was younger, I had a 'so/so' friend that had found
the LORD (kind of) who was a long time drug user.
Because of his life style, he was all over the place with his life, actions and thoughts.

One day he meets a girl and next month - they are getting married and I was
in his wedding party! That FAST!!!

It was so quick, and so crazy that my wife and I never met the soon-to-be wife
until the wedding day!!

My family and I were supposed to be going out of town to a christian concert that day
of this wedding.

I to this day, don't know if I handled it right - because we did both. We went to the wedding and left the reception real early, to still get away and make it in time to the concert. He understood (the best he could) as sometimes we never really knew how much he understood.

In some way, I understand what you are going through. Your idea of marriage and 'how its to be done' is way different then your friends. And probably your idea of friend seems way different from what she thinks of as a friend too.

My suggestion is simply do what you can, and leave the results to JESUS while
remembering that you might be the only true friend they have.
If you can do that while feeling compassion (thats good!)
If you do that while feeling guilt (that would be NO good).

The results are not up to you.

-eric

 

[l0v3n]

Thanks everyone

 

[pilgrimgal]

Given the situation you describe..if it were me I would just say thanks but no thanks. Being a bridesmaid is a place of honor. Obviously that isn't how you are being viewed by the future bride. I had to turn down an invitation like that once years ago. No regrets there. Invitations are to be accepted or declined and you always have the prerogative of doing either. That is why they are invitations. But in consideration it would be good to let her know in plenty of time.

 

[LyraJean]

When I got married a year ago it was an out of town wedding. At least to my side. I never disrespected my bridesmaids even when two of them dropped out. One because I wouldn't allow her young children to my wedding and the other because she later realized that she didn't have the funds.

While I was upset and it did end one friendship. The one where I wouldn't let her bring her kids. (It was slowly corroding down to nothing anyways.) The other one is just as strong as ever. Although I did tell my maid of honor that if for some reason she had to drop out then I was just going to get married at the courthouse.

I think a lot of women use the excuse of getting married to act like complete monsters. Just so you know I didn't really get a thing I actually wanted for my wedding day except that everyone did enjoy themselves. That was the important thing to me.

 

[Avniel]

When I got married a year ago it was an out of town wedding. At least to my side. I never disrespected my bridesmaids even when two of them dropped out. One because I wouldn't allow her young children to my wedding and the other because she later realized that she didn't have the funds.

While I was upset and it did end one friendship. The one where I wouldn't let her bring her kids. (It was slowly corroding down to nothing anyways.) The other one is just as strong as ever. Although I did tell my maid of honor that if for some reason she had to drop out then I was just going to get married at the courthouse.

I think a lot of women use the excuse of getting married to act like complete monsters. Just so you know I didn't really get a thing I actually wanted for my wedding day except that everyone did enjoy themselves. That was the important thing to me.

It is a difficult time in a lot of women's lives. It is a mid point between dating and marriage and on top of that many women not only want to make their families proud but they also want to impress their new in-laws. All while still managing to spend time with her finance who could careless about the actually wedding(atleast I could care less if we have grape and orange or sprite and coke) so its basically on one person that feels like this is the first day of the rest of her life to make it the most special day she can have.

Of course it is alot on a person it is incredible amount of stress for many women. Especially when they are getting married at an young age.

 

[LyraJean]

It is a difficult time in a lot of women's lives. It is a mid point between dating and marriage and on top of that many women not only want to make their families proud but they also want to impress their new in-laws. All while still managing to spend time with her finance who could careless about the actually wedding(atleast I could care less if we have grape and orange or sprite and coke) so its basically on one person that feels like this is the first day of the rest of her life to make it the most special day she can have.

Of course it is alot on a person it is incredible amount of stress for many women. Especially when they are getting married at an young age.

Have you ever seen the show "Bridezillas" there are women on there that are just hellacious monsters who think they are God just because it is their wedding day and everyone should be her slave.

I've seen other brides on that same program and yeah you can see the stress and sometimes they get upset but they are treating people with respect and use manners.

Stress is not an excuse to treat people like dirt.

 

[CuddlyBear]

It sounds like you don't want to to do, so don't. You are not obligated to be her bridesmaid.

IMO there is no excuse to behave like a monster. I organised my wedding alone in a four month space of time and it wasn't that stressful. The bride needs to be flexible too. If she expects people to incur the cost of travel and attending their wedding then they need to give a bit too. Maybe it's just that true personalities come out when weddings are being planned and inflexible people show who they really are. I had no problem having children at my wedding. They are just as much part of the family as anyone else and so it is appropriate they are there. I don't buy the whole, "It's my wedding it's all about me, me, me" notion.

I know I wouldn't want a bridesmaid who did it reluctantly. I wonder though - does this woman value your history as a friend more than you do?

 

[Avniel]

Have you ever seen the show "Bridezillas" there are women on there that are just hellacious monsters who think they are God just because it is their wedding day and everyone should be her slave.

I've seen other brides on that same program and yeah you can see the stress and sometimes they get upset but they are treating people with respect and use manners.

Stress is not an excuse to treat people like dirt.

Yeah but that is tv majority of it is staged and they get paid for being jerks many times that equals free wedding. All this braid did was not take someone some where and didn't tell her and stay in constant contact with her. That doesn't seem to bad especially the amount of stress she's under just seems busy.

 

[r035198x]

I agree with those giving biblical advice but would like point out a possibility:

It could be that your friend may be regretting asking you in the first place hence the cold shoulder. In that case you could actually do your friend a big favour by refusing and letting her choose someone else she really likes these days.
To know for sure the correct course of action you would have to find out why she is not very friendly to you, why she asked you in the first place and if she has anyone else in mind for the 'job'.

 

[gladtobesaved]

You would have to find out why she is not very friendly to you, why she asked you in the first place and if she has anyone else in mind for the 'job'.

Do NOT do this. It will only cause more tension (there's enough already between you & the bride)

As a result of this (tension) I would politely refuse

 

[r035198x]

Do NOT do this. It will only cause more tension (there's enough already between you & the bride)

As a result of this (tension) I would politely refuse

What then happens if she doesn't have anyone else who can fill in for the job?
Does that not ruin the friendship (never mind the wedding) forever?
It's best to make the decision based on love both for the friend and for God's scriptures than to make potentially false assumptions and judgements.