I don't honestly know if I am good enough, I don't know if it is becaue of how I have been socially conditoned, but sometimes I feel it is hard for me to, be peaceful. I think I, but the world has made me cynical, jaded at such notions and I even brought out a dark side to me I never knew existed, or I have experienced dark things in the world that has weighed on my soul and perhaps stolen my innocence and I do not know if it's me or the world sometimes. Another thing too, living a life on the sidelines is difficult for me sometimes and expecting to turn the other cheek. I confess, I wonder if I am truly a gentile at times as well, in however way that was concieved.
I feel guilty because after spending lots of time studying and searching for answers, I found myself experiencing at best I would "illumination" and I see how much of, the bible is actually true and it makes sense to me. I generally know what it is about mostly, I think.
I weigh thr bible against things like science or rationality, and even athiesm and I just cannot help thinking that it's actually true. I really have always believed, in God and I see much of rest of the world as lost or even dammed. I find a bit more solace or comfront now in this fact, but it makes me feel sad and backwards. I believe very strongly in God and what the bible stands for.
There's some things though, I think things like sex before marriage is alright and I think it is fine to express oneself or whatever. Well, I think much of the sadness comes from wanting to live a better world at times. Since seeing the "light" I find it almost unbearable at times. I realize I am a broken person looking for shelter I feel, in the "Lord's temple" perhaps?