Am I normal?

[TieDye]

I had a miscarriage in November (06). I was only about 6-7 weeks along, and I healed emotionally fairly well. I didn't blame God or anything and I accepted it. It wasn't planned between my husband and myself, but when we found out we were very excited. Got out the name book, bought pregnancy books, even a couple onesies.

In November, one night, I started bleeding - after a few horrible hours of being poked and prodded by not-so-gentle doctors at the hospital, I was sent home and told to go back to a gyno to have another blood test done, and they confirmed that I'd miscarried.

My first problem is my jealousy. When I see a pregnant woman, I get jealous. When I see a pregnant girl fighting with her boyfriend in public, or smoking, or sitting in a bar, I get angry that she can have a baby and not me. I know it's wrong, and I know God has a plan for my reproductive life - and that particular pregnancy wasn't the one for me. I figured the jealousy would go away after a while but it hasn't.

My second problem is that I'm now afraid that there's something wrong with me. I'm totally paranoid. Up until my birthday in 2006, I had never had a late period. I had always had a perfectly regular cycle. That month I had a few symptoms, and was late by 3 days. Started on my birthday. Then, in January I had it happen again, late by 2 days. I keep wondering if maybe the eggs are getting fertilized but there's something wrong with my body that keeps rejecting them.

The third problem is that now I have an irrational fear that if I have a child, something will happen to my husband and I will lose him. Like I have to trade one for the other. My husband was lost on a hike in January when I was late, and they had to send out search & rescue and all of that. I was so terrified that if I was pregnant - he would die. I know this is crazy! When he made it back, I started.

Has anyone else experienced this after a miscarriage? Even an early one like mine? I know these feelings are irrational. Does anybody have some good verses for me to read/memorize, so I can remember them when I have the feelings of jealousy, etc? Prayers are appreciated, too . . . It isn't controlling my life, but it is making me feel guilty.

 

[jenrenee]

When I was reading your post, my first thought was that it sounded like something I could have written. I know exactly how you feel and I do believe it is completely normal. I have been married for over 2 1/2 years. After one year, I found out I was pg, but I miscarried at about 6 weeks. The second time was seven months later - I miscarried at about 4-5 weeks. I always thought, maybe I'm not supposed to be so upset since they were both so early - but I was and still am. My last miscarraige was a year ago this March. I feel like I have finally healed emotionally, but the hurt really never has gone away. I also get extreme feelings of jealousy when I see someone pregnant - and yes, when I see someone young drinking or smoking that is pregnant - I get very angry. Why them and not me?? Recently, I found out my 19 year old sis is pregnant. She has only been dating her bf for 2 months. I can't even explain how I felt. Jealous, angry, cheated, and depressed. It's so hard to want a child so bad - and to see everyone around you getting pregnant like it was nothing.
I'm also extremely paranoid now and wonder if something is wrong - and if I will ever be able to have children. I'm trying to leave it in God's hands, but it is so hard to understand why this happens to me. One thing that I have decided to do, is to go and talk with my doctor - see if they can maybe run some kind of tests to see if there is anything wrong. But I have been told that early miscarraiges are more common that what we think. Evidently a lot of women have early miscarraiges and don't even know it. Most women go on to have normal, healthy pregnancies and I'm sure you will too. You are right - God has a plan for your life, and mine as well. I'm praying for you - and I will try to look for some of the verses, etc. that helped me through. God Bless!!!

 

[jenrenee]

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

You can check out my home page too as I've posted some poems, etc. there as well.

 

[TieDye]

I'm really glad I'm not the only one who feels this way. I don't like it, because I feel guilty for resenting those girls when their lives are probably pretty hard, and they're making bad choices, etc. We aren't actively trying for another child, but we would welcome it if it happened. If I have another miscarriage I will definitely see if they can run some tests to see what's going on. I'm adopted myself, so even if I couldn't have children I would love to adopt in a few years, but I still have that desire to have children of my own.

Thank you for the verse, too. That's just perfect for this situation. I think I'll write it down and draw some pretty things around it and put it up on the wall over my computer.

 

[gracepaints]

You are totally normal. I would suggest visiting www.pregnancyloss.info She talks about a lot of these feelings.

It is totally normal to be jealous of pregnant women, especially ones in less than ideal situations. It's hard to see other people get the happiness you wanted and seemingly not appreciate it.

About your periods, are we talking about post-m/c periods? Because you WERE pregnant and pregnancy changes the way your body functions. Just like as if you had a full-term baby, it will take a while for your body to get back in the swing of things. I lost my baby in November too and my period is still trying to figure itself out.

It's going to take some time to recover physically and emotionally. There's nothing wrong with still being anxious or jealous on account of your loss. It just takes time.

 

[jenrenee]

"Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart."
Psalm 37:3-4

 

[jenrenee]

Someone posted this in another thread. Thought you might like it

God Knows Best
Our Father knows what's best for us,
So why should we complain ...
We always want the sunshine,
But He knows there must be rain.

We love the sound of laughter
And the merriment of cheer;
But our hearts would lose their tenderness
If we never shed a tear.

Our Father tests us often
With suffering and with sorrow;
He tests us, not to punish us,
But to help us meet "tomorrow."

For growing trees are strengthened
When they withstand the storm;
And the sharp cut of the chisel
Gives the marble grace and form.

God never hurts us needlessly,
And He never wastes our pain;
For every loss He sends to us
Is followed by rich gain.

And when we count the blessings
That God has so freely sent;
We will find no cause for murmuring
And no time to lament.

For Our Father loves His children,
And to Him all things are plain;
So He never sends us "pleasure"
When the "soul's deep need is pain."
So whenever we are troubled,
And when everything goes wrong,
It is just God working in us
To make "our spirits strong."


~ Helen Steiner Rice ~

 

[skunkfeather]

I don't know verses to offer you, but I can offer to pray for you. I do know what you're going through - though my recovery from a loss was almost 6 years ago.

Time really does begin to heal, as long as you allow yourself to work through it.

 

[Mask]

I too can relate to feelings of jealously, looking at other pregnant women. I had 3 miscarriages, about 4 years ago now. I too was about 6 weeks along for each one. It doesn't matter how early on it was...you still greive for those children! It was really hard to be with my pregnant friends for quite some time, without wanting to burst out crying, but I tried to not hide away from them or their babies. I had to get some councelling to help express my greif and anger at God for not preventing the loss of my babies. It took quite a while for me to get over the pain and confusion I felt. It was extremely hard physically, emotionally and spiritually. I must admit the spiritual part is still not up to where I used to be but I'm working on it. About your periods...I wouldn't worry it. Your hormones get a bit out of wack after being pregnant, weither you deliver a baby or not, mine did too. My periods are never on time anymore. Make sure you find someone you can talk to about your baby, your loss and your feelings. It's o.k to greive over the loss your experienced. The worry you are experiencing about you husband is normal too, but I think your thoughts are running away with you. Satan knows the fear you experienced when you hubby was lost and now he is using it to torture you! Tell him to shut up!!!! Pray and believe that God sends his angels to watch over you and your husband. He is your protector! Try not to worry so much, it isn't good for your health or your future pregnancies. Blessings and take care !

 

[xtreN]

Upholding all of you my sisters in all my prayers and in my heart.

Love you

Jesus Christ is LORD!

xtreN