Always the Peacemaker?

[lady_of_god]

I find that from the time my ex and me broke up till now(maybe even before then), i'm always the peacemaker. For a while (after the argument has happen) its like talking to a brick wall and then after a while i'll soften him up, but i mean it hurts me when we are not on good speaking terms.

Once i get things going again its like he is glad I did.... i don't ever recall him apologizing for anything, and it always feels like its my fault.

I wonder sometimes if i should keep trying... i feel like thats my soulmate, but it also feels so onesided. He puts up this wall to block me, but yet its not suppose to be so.

dunno.. guess i'm just hurt right now.

-Lady.

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

Sweetie, I've been there, and I feel your pain!

It's always been my fault - even when he will apologise when I've called him to account for bad behaviour, it doesn't take too long for him to be putting all the blame on me again, and trying to manipulate me in some form or another.

Sometimes, as hard as it is, you just have to cut all ties, for your own sanity! I hope and pray you never go through what I did (which has been disastrous for my own sanity sometimes), but it is always better to err on the safe side, and the side that keeps safe boundaries up, and more often than not, that means a 'no contact' request, and a complete ignoring if they refuse to abide by that.

I would LOVE to have a healthy relationship with my ex, but I can't. I try, and I think I succeed sometimes, but so far, any contact has always ended with him bringing up horrible things from my past, and shoving it into anyone whose around face - even on here. He just wouldn't learn that I had changed from that person, and that his behaviour and stories reflected worse on him (and his revengefulness), than it ever did on me.

I'm praying for you, and hoping that you come to a safe place, whether that means having a good relationship with this person (despite the break up) or cutting ties for good.



Sasch

 

[lady_of_god]

Thanks alot Sascha...


I think the problem with our relationship is he says that we don't agree on the same principles, i think we do, and thats where the disagreement lies. I think that at times he is fighting with himself and projecting on me (if that makes any sense) and i try to be a peacemaker because i know that we can work through it. I know that in marriage you don't get into an argument and say "Ok, that's it, i'm getting a divorce!", you work pass it. When i look at him i see my soulmate and a future. Just so loss you know

I dunno... somedays i want to wave the white flag of defeat, but i know i shouldn't... not just yet anyhow. Trying to figure out what to do... just loss...

-Lady.

 

[bliz]

I think the problem with our relationship is he says that we don't agree on the same principles, i think we do, and thats where the disagreement lies. I think that at times he is fighting with himself and projecting on me

What principles does he think you disagree on?

 

[Wakeup2god]

Sounds like self defense to me. More common in men than in women. Some men just can't handle conflict with a loved one and also can't handle being in the wrong.

Once i get things going again its like he is glad I did....

I'm sure he is glad. I'm sure it hurts him when you're at odds. Call it pride if you like. Behaviour like this can be built into people from a very young age. Maybe his dad dealt with things the same way. Remember men are from Mars. We sometimes preffer to go into our caves for a while, it's not healthy though. Not for him or you. #

Pray for wisdom and insight. God knows exactly what his problem is and can help you understand and overcome if you seek Him. Keep chipping away at the wall with love, remember how long it took for the Berlin wall to come tumbling down? On the other hand look at the walls of Jericho!

 

[lady_of_god]

What principles does he think you disagree on?

I dunno... I'm going to talk with him and try to get a better understanding...

Sounds like self defense to me. More common in men than in women. Some men just can't handle conflict with a loved one and also can't handle being in the wrong.

I thought that's what it was... I told him the other day he hardly apologizes for anything. He says yes he did and he brought up two instances(but the apology was for nothing major... go figure )

I'm sure he is glad. I'm sure it hurts him when you're at odds. Call it pride if you like. Behaviour like this can be built into people from a very young age. Maybe his dad dealt with things the same way. Remember men are from Mars. We sometimes preffer to go into our caves for a while, it's not healthy though. Not for him or you. #

Your right... I know i can't change him but i'm hoping with lots of prayer and just being there he will see for himself and chose to change. All i keep thinking is that I should "sow the good seed", and with lots of love and patience things will get better. I would have given up a loooooonnnnnggg time ago but I believe the Lord wants me around because he continues to show me things about him. But then again, i'm not sure and praying my way through it....

Pray for wisdom and insight. God knows exactly what his problem is and can help you understand and overcome if you seek Him. Keep chipping away at the wall with love, remember how long it took for the Berlin wall to come tumbling down? On the other hand look at the walls of Jericho!

Been praying like crazy Lord knows I love him very much and i want to work through this stuff. I know we have the potential to be a good team working for Christ, but he has to be willing to work with me. He says he loves me and I love him, but he is putting this wall up to block me whenever we get close. I think its his environment and friends that is keeping us apart. I'm asking the Lord to help me deal with this and let His Will be done. My ex is led by the Spirit (so am I) but i don't believe he truly listens because if we were both listening to the Spirit we would be on one accord and not in conflict.

Why are you men so difficult, hmm? lol

-Lady

 

[InTheFlame]

Sometimes you need to back off and give someone space. Give the guy a chance to miss you... if you're always contacting him and trying to work things out, he's getting all the attention he could desire (not to mention ego-boosts) without a bit of work. Don't crowd him, and don't think you HAVE to be friends... remember that he has his own choices to make in life, and if you're not one of those choices, then whether it's right or wrong, you need to accept that.

*huggggggggg* God bless.

 

[seangoh]

I find that from the time my ex and me broke up till now(maybe even before then), i'm always the peacemaker. For a while (after the argument has happen) its like talking to a brick wall and then after a while i'll soften him up, but i mean it hurts me when we are not on good speaking terms.

Once i get things going again its like he is glad I did.... i don't ever recall him apologizing for anything, and it always feels like its my fault.

I wonder sometimes if i should keep trying... i feel like thats my soulmate, but it also feels so onesided. He puts up this wall to block me, but yet its not suppose to be so.

dunno.. guess i'm just hurt right now.

-Lady.

Hey lady, i really emphatize with your situation. I've seen some guys who are quite intolerant of their gfs and honestly i don't like this kind of guys. I'm with a girl and we're glad that we're both peacemakers as we talk it out. But i digress.
I've some questions to ask you. You said that he's your soulmate. Can you give your reasons why you think so? And how do you define soulmate?
Have you ever thought about what kind of partner you'd like to have before you got into this relationship? If so, what are the "requirements" that you had in mind? Does the requirements match reality now? If not, why are you putting yourself through this? Sorry to sound harsh..but it REALLY helps if you think through these things.

 

[lady_of_god]

I've some questions to ask you. You said that he's your soulmate. Can you give your reasons why you think so? And how do you define soulmate?

Well I believe he is my soulmate because we are alike in many ways (our belief system, the things we both say, feel, what we've went through in our short 20-something years on the earth, some situations that occured where we've truly felt the same way, we're both romantics, the honesty, our strange sense of humor lol, etc etc)

How I define a soulmate is by those things above but mostly on the basis of our belief system and by the direction the Holy Spirit leads you *if that make senses*.

Have you ever thought about what kind of partner you'd like to have before you got into this relationship? If so, what are the "requirements" that you had in mind? Does the requirements match reality now? If not, why are you putting yourself through this?

Yes, I have.


I always knew I wanted a God-fearing, honest and loving, Spirit-led man that was also my bestfriend. I think he matches those things, however... like everyone we have flaws. I know alot about his past, and i'm still learning so I know some things are a matter of upbringing. I don't want to throw him away and say "You know what... I give up", because if I give up on this relationship without exhausting all efforts then i'm not truly fit not only to be someone's girlfriend but also a wife.

I know a relationship is more than kissy faces, and making the other laugh. Its about being able to workthrough, and to workthrough something we have to be that person's better half.

Being someone's better half is just what it sounds like:


Ex. If one is more cautious the other needs to be more aventurous (think i spelt that right). Thats because if both are too cautious they may keep themselves forever confined to a box. On the other hand if they are to aventurous they could get into lots of trouble because they don't know how to stay in the box from time to time.

Sorry to sound harsh..but it REALLY helps if you think through these things.

No it wasn't harsh, i think you asked critical questions and it helps to reevaluate these aspects.


All your questions, opinions, and comments are helping... believe me its helping

 

[If Not For Grace]

I don't want to throw him away and say "You know what... I give up", because if I give up on this relationship without exhausting all efforts then i'm not truly fit not only to be someone's girlfriend but also a wife.

Horsefeathers! Purple Horsefeathers!

You used the term 1-sided yourself. Realationships, especially SOULMATES are not about fighting, FIXING someone else. They are about finding what is right for each other.

When you go to a store to pick out a dress--get one that fits, not one that would be ok, but it's alittle to small or short or too many sequines etc. NOW I know men are not dresses, but TRUST is the most important part of a relationship, but there has to be compatbility and respect.

Most importantly it must be MUTUAL. Someone who is never Wrong or NEVER SORRY is just that. Either you are a terrible person doing bad things ALL the time (therefore needing to apologize) or this guy is selfish and determined your ok if you do what HE wants you too. PLEASE THINK with your brain and not your heart. JUST THINK...