Always on the cell phones

[LovebirdsFlying]

Although this issue is in regard to marriage, I am placing it here instead of in Married Couples because given a choice, I'd rather have it addressed by Christians who are not necessarily married, than by married people who are not necessarily Christians.

It's basically a communication issue. Please understand I have a wonderful husband and I appreciate that very much, but nobody's perfect and there are always going to be problems.

My wonderful husband is change-resistant by nature and was slow to warm up to the idea of cell phones at all, until his job required him to have one. Gradually he came to see the advantages. We can always reach each other no matter where we are, he can look up any question on the internet because he carries it around with him, and he doesn't have to be bored out of his skull while wating for appointments. Several months ago (and it was his idea) we finally made the decision to stop our landline service entirely. We had kept it for a long time, "just in case," but no use paying for something when we can't remember the last time we used it.

That brings us to now.

Hubby is a bus driver and is sometimes gone for days at a time. When he's home, he seems to think "being in the same room" is the same thing as "spending time together." Sure, we can both be looking at our phones and then share something funny or interesting with each other, and that's interaction. But lately all he's doing is watching YouTube videos pertaining to the transportation industry, and I have no role in that. There is nothing he would particularly want to share with me, and nothing I would particularly be interested in having him share with me. So when I wake up or enter the room, and the first thing I see is him watching some transportation-themed video, I simply pick up my own phone and start playing a game, or get on Facebook, or whatever. Then we're physically in the same room but both doing our own thing, and we might as well not exist to each other. This can go on for hours and hours. Yesterday we almost had an argument because I finally got annoyed enough to say something. (Note: I "say something" using a text-to-speech app on my phone, because for the past three weeks I have been entirely unable to speak. I can whisper a word or two if I force it, but no more than that, and I probably shouldn't. Doctors are still investigating what the problem is.)

It turned out to be a variation on the same type of dilemma that pops up when we're getting ready to go somewhere. It can go on for some time before we realize that we're both ready to go and each passing time just waiting for the other. "I'm ready whenever you are."--"Oh, well, I was just waiting for you. I thought you were busy."--"No, I was just horsing around while waiting for you." Etc. You get the picture. Same thing with the phones. We're each passing time waiting for the other to want to do something besides look at our phones.

How do we break this cycle? Please note that if there is any "I'm waiting for you," or "I'm ready whenever you are," to be said, it will usually be me saying it. HOWEVER, and this is a big fly in the ointment, this is how it will go when I do.

I say or do something to divert his attention from the phone. Clear my throat, wave a hand, whatever. He sighs, rolls his eyes, and groans "just a minute" with a sharp edge in his voice before putting the video on pause so he can hear what I have to say. Of course this makes me hesitant to interrupt him next time, although if I tell him why, he will deny with every molecule in his body that he sounded even the slightest bit annoyed. I'm not saying he *was* annoyed, only that he *sounded* annoyed, but he will dig in his heels and insist that no, he did not, and that's the hill he's going to choose to die on. Good grief, all he said was "just a minute," and I'm giving him a hard time? What, am I trying to start a fight or something? This too is a recurring pattern. The exchange "It wasn't your words. It was your tone."--"There was no tone," is something that has been said countless times in our marriage. Sometimes I am unsure whether he is truly oblivious to it, or he's gaslighting me.

Of course the thing to do is to have a talk with him about these things, but as demonstrated, mentioning anything at all will result in me being accused of trying to start a fight.

And here I'm stuck.

Anything?

 

[tampasteve]

Let me ask a question before giving my opinion: What did you do before the phones? Were you interacting in a meaningful way or still "together but separate", perhaps reading or doing some individual hobby?

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Let me ask a question before giving my opinion: What did you do before the phones? Were you interacting in a meaningful way or still "together but separate", perhaps reading or doing some individual hobby?

A mix. Sometimes one of us watched TV while the other played games on the computer, and sometimes we were both watching TV or both doing something else together.

I suppose another piece of the puzzle is that he likes to watch crime dramas, which I often find disturbing because I have a nasty case of PTSD, and the acting can be just a bit too realistic. So I'll do something else while he watches those shows.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Popping in to make another observation that might be relevant. Sometimes I go along with hubby on the bus trips. When I do, and there are coworkers present, you can bet he will be spending most of that time talking business with the coworkers and interacting little to none with me. He probably thinks of it as, he's on the job, but this applies even if he's not on duty. It can be his lunch break, and if a coworker shows up, it's talk business with the coworker, wife might as well not be there.

 

[tampasteve]

Device addiction is a real thing, and it can be a struggle to get anyone to see they actually "suffer" from it.

Rather than confronting him head on about it, which would likely backfire with most people, I would advise you to plan things to actively do together. I am honestly not sure what that would be, but if you can come up with something you can do together then that is a good start.

That said, there isn't a lot different between both being on devices and your example of him watching a TV show and you using the computer to play games.

It seems like you really feel like you are missing a connection or feeling left out. I can see why you feel like you are being left out, I would feel (and do feel) the same if it were happening to me. Sometimes I do feel that way.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

When hubby and I were first dating, we would do things like drive along the Oregon coast and look at the scenery, and maybe stop at this little place in Seaside where they let you feed the seals. But since he is a bus driver, I don't want to make all of our time together involve him driving us somewhere. Let him have some waking hours in his life that don't require having his hands on a steering wheel.

The trouble with me doing the driving is that I am comparitively new to that activity. In fact I learned to do it only because hubby made it possible. While I've since overcome my fear of driving on the interstate, I am not yet comfortable with having passengers. I can't carry on a conversation with someone while I am driving, and still keep my mind on what I'm doing. So, when I am driving, I am alone.

 

[tampasteve]

You may be able to get similar feelings by taking a walk, look at local places that may be able to offer similar feelings. Maybe there is a park, botanical garden, zoo, etc. that is close and not really a long drive off. Discovering the small things can be exciting too.

That doesn't help the "night" activities though, once it gets dark many of us (myself included) often retreat to individual activities like reading, watching TV, or using our devices. But perhaps if you share things that can connect you more often in the daytime it will not feel so much like being left out in the evening.

 

[turkle]

Every time I can recall you coming to this forum to talk about your husband, the theme has been the same. I remember that he doesn't communicate, he doesn't listen to you, and when you do say something, he takes it the wrong way. You have also mentioned his tone many times as I remember.

This makes it hard to offer anything useful to you. It seems that no matter how nicely you say something, you get shut down. Or ignored.

If this were simply a problem with the phone, there are a number of ways to address the problem. But I don't think that's the problem. It sounds like he doesn't like to talk, and he just wants to do what he wants to do. You have been living with this a long time, and without couples' counseling, I don't see it changing. Maybe the question that might be more useful to you is to ask yourself how you can simply accept him the way he is. Either that, or find a good counselor.

 

[Brad D.]

Although this issue is in regard to marriage, I am placing it here instead of in Married Couples because given a choice, I'd rather have it addressed by Christians who are not necessarily married, than by married people who are not necessarily Christians.

It's basically a communication issue. Please understand I have a wonderful husband and I appreciate that very much, but nobody's perfect and there are always going to be problems.

My wonderful husband is change-resistant by nature and was slow to warm up to the idea of cell phones at all, until his job required him to have one. Gradually he came to see the advantages. We can always reach each other no matter where we are, he can look up any question on the internet because he carries it around with him, and he doesn't have to be bored out of his skull while wating for appointments. Several months ago (and it was his idea) we finally made the decision to stop our landline service entirely. We had kept it for a long time, "just in case," but no use paying for something when we can't remember the last time we used it.

That brings us to now.

Hubby is a bus driver and is sometimes gone for days at a time. When he's home, he seems to think "being in the same room" is the same thing as "spending time together." Sure, we can both be looking at our phones and then share something funny or interesting with each other, and that's interaction. But lately all he's doing is watching YouTube videos pertaining to the transportation industry, and I have no role in that. There is nothing he would particularly want to share with me, and nothing I would particularly be interested in having him share with me. So when I wake up or enter the room, and the first thing I see is him watching some transportation-themed video, I simply pick up my own phone and start playing a game, or get on Facebook, or whatever. Then we're physically in the same room but both doing our own thing, and we might as well not exist to each other. This can go on for hours and hours. Yesterday we almost had an argument because I finally got annoyed enough to say something. (Note: I "say something" using a text-to-speech app on my phone, because for the past three weeks I have been entirely unable to speak. I can whisper a word or two if I force it, but no more than that, and I probably shouldn't. Doctors are still investigating what the problem is.)

It turned out to be a variation on the same type of dilemma that pops up when we're getting ready to go somewhere. It can go on for some time before we realize that we're both ready to go and each passing time just waiting for the other. "I'm ready whenever you are."--"Oh, well, I was just waiting for you. I thought you were busy."--"No, I was just horsing around while waiting for you." Etc. You get the picture. Same thing with the phones. We're each passing time waiting for the other to want to do something besides look at our phones.

How do we break this cycle? Please note that if there is any "I'm waiting for you," or "I'm ready whenever you are," to be said, it will usually be me saying it. HOWEVER, and this is a big fly in the ointment, this is how it will go when I do.

I say or do something to divert his attention from the phone. Clear my throat, wave a hand, whatever. He sighs, rolls his eyes, and groans "just a minute" with a sharp edge in his voice before putting the video on pause so he can hear what I have to say. Of course this makes me hesitant to interrupt him next time, although if I tell him why, he will deny with every molecule in his body that he sounded even the slightest bit annoyed. I'm not saying he *was* annoyed, only that he *sounded* annoyed, but he will dig in his heels and insist that no, he did not, and that's the hill he's going to choose to die on. Good grief, all he said was "just a minute," and I'm giving him a hard time? What, am I trying to start a fight or something? This too is a recurring pattern. The exchange "It wasn't your words. It was your tone."--"There was no tone," is something that has been said countless times in our marriage. Sometimes I am unsure whether he is truly oblivious to it, or he's gaslighting me.

Of course the thing to do is to have a talk with him about these things, but as demonstrated, mentioning anything at all will result in me being accused of trying to start a fight.



And here I'm stuck.

Anything?

One thing I am seeing failed to be mentioned in both of your choices when you have time together and in your individual time is Christ. I see Facebook, Games, Transportation Videos etc.... I see the world in other words but not Christ. And maybe here is where you should begin. How about a return to prayer together, quietness before the Lord, putting away some of this stuff and making Christ your priority. Often when the world comes rushing in Christ is forced out. Seek Him with all of your heart and He shall be found. He is the answer to everything. The more you look for your life everywhere else the more distant He will become, and the more separated your marriage will be.

 

[Halbhh]

Every time I can recall you coming to this forum to talk about your husband, the theme has been the same. I remember that he doesn't communicate, he doesn't listen to you, and when you do say something, he takes it the wrong way. You have also mentioned his tone many times as I remember.

This makes it hard to offer anything useful to you. It seems that no matter how nicely you say something, you get shut down. Or ignored.

If this were simply a problem with the phone, there are a number of ways to address the problem. But I don't think that's the problem. It sounds like he doesn't like to talk, and he just wants to do what he wants to do. You have been living with this a long time, and without couples' counseling, I don't see it changing. Maybe the question that might be more useful to you is to ask yourself how you can simply accept him the way he is. Either that, or find a good counselor.

It's normal we always can see the wrongs others do better than we can see ourselves.... -- so that we don't tend to think about all we might do.

Of course, no one is perfect, and the 2nd person is also doing things that don't work well in a relationship. But we have trouble detecting our own bad habits if they are habits we've had since early childhood for instance.

So, the challenge is to try to discern how we ourselves need to change.

An encouraging thing is that when we change, it changes the relationship and then the other person responds and usually changes also.

But often the change we ourselves need the most isn't necessarily the one we already think of, already know about.

One can try to imagine if one were meeting a new person, and how we would treat them...that might help us remember how we should more ideally be acting.

We can also pray for help from above to change.

It might be (very often will be!) that there is something key in the Sermon on the Mount -- Matthew chapters 5-7 -- which we are not doing. Of course, beginning to do as we should in some key way is a huge change.

There are so many pieces also. For instance, if we forgive others it helps others forgive us.

Another thing is to try to remember to put ourselves in someone's shoes, as we are instructed in Matthew 7:12: imagine reversing the position of the 2 people. How would we like to be treated in those shoes?

Although this issue is in regard to marriage, I am placing it here instead of in Married Couples because given a choice, I'd rather have it addressed by Christians who are not necessarily married, than by married people who are not necessarily Christians.

It's basically a communication issue. Please understand I have a wonderful husband and I appreciate that very much, but nobody's perfect and there are always going to be problems.

My wonderful husband is change-resistant by nature and was slow to warm up to the idea of cell phones at all, until his job required him to have one. Gradually he came to see the advantages. We can always reach each other no matter where we are, he can look up any question on the internet because he carries it around with him, and he doesn't have to be bored out of his skull while wating for appointments. Several months ago (and it was his idea) we finally made the decision to stop our landline service entirely. We had kept it for a long time, "just in case," but no use paying for something when we can't remember the last time we used it.

That brings us to now.

Hubby is a bus driver and is sometimes gone for days at a time. When he's home, he seems to think "being in the same room" is the same thing as "spending time together." Sure, we can both be looking at our phones and then share something funny or interesting with each other, and that's interaction. But lately all he's doing is watching YouTube videos pertaining to the transportation industry, and I have no role in that. There is nothing he would particularly want to share with me, and nothing I would particularly be interested in having him share with me. So when I wake up or enter the room, and the first thing I see is him watching some transportation-themed video, I simply pick up my own phone and start playing a game, or get on Facebook, or whatever. Then we're physically in the same room but both doing our own thing, and we might as well not exist to each other. This can go on for hours and hours. Yesterday we almost had an argument because I finally got annoyed enough to say something. (Note: I "say something" using a text-to-speech app on my phone, because for the past three weeks I have been entirely unable to speak. I can whisper a word or two if I force it, but no more than that, and I probably shouldn't. Doctors are still investigating what the problem is.)

It turned out to be a variation on the same type of dilemma that pops up when we're getting ready to go somewhere. It can go on for some time before we realize that we're both ready to go and each passing time just waiting for the other. "I'm ready whenever you are."--"Oh, well, I was just waiting for you. I thought you were busy."--"No, I was just horsing around while waiting for you." Etc. You get the picture. Same thing with the phones. We're each passing time waiting for the other to want to do something besides look at our phones.

How do we break this cycle? Please note that if there is any "I'm waiting for you," or "I'm ready whenever you are," to be said, it will usually be me saying it. HOWEVER, and this is a big fly in the ointment, this is how it will go when I do.

I say or do something to divert his attention from the phone. Clear my throat, wave a hand, whatever. He sighs, rolls his eyes, and groans "just a minute" with a sharp edge in his voice before putting the video on pause so he can hear what I have to say. Of course this makes me hesitant to interrupt him next time, although if I tell him why, he will deny with every molecule in his body that he sounded even the slightest bit annoyed. I'm not saying he *was* annoyed, only that he *sounded* annoyed, but he will dig in his heels and insist that no, he did not, and that's the hill he's going to choose to die on. Good grief, all he said was "just a minute," and I'm giving him a hard time? What, am I trying to start a fight or something? This too is a recurring pattern. The exchange "It wasn't your words. It was your tone."--"There was no tone," is something that has been said countless times in our marriage. Sometimes I am unsure whether he is truly oblivious to it, or he's gaslighting me.

Of course the thing to do is to have a talk with him about these things, but as demonstrated, mentioning anything at all will result in me being accused of trying to start a fight.

And here I'm stuck.

Anything?

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

One thing I am seeing failed to be mentioned in both of your choices when you have time together and in your individual time is Christ. I see Facebook, Games, Transportation Videos etc.... I see the world in other words but not Christ. And maybe here is where you should begin. How about a return to prayer together, quietness before the Lord, putting away some of this stuff and making Christ your priority. Often when the world comes rushing in Christ is forced out. Seek Him with all of your heart and He shall be found. He is the answer to everything. The more you look for your life everywhere else the more distant He will become, and the more separated your marriage will be.

Since this is a Christian forum and I posted in Christian Advice because it was more important to receive Christian feedback from possibly unmarried people than it was to receive married feedback from possibly non-Christian people, I suppose I expected it to be understood that we are Christians.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

As a more general update:

I require my phone to even be able to speak at this time, so it's pretty much always in my hand. This morning I was conversing with people in a Facebook page dedicated to the old hymns that churches these days don't seem to sing anymore, and then I uploaded a video to that page. When my husband walked into the room, I told him what I was doing, and he asked me to send him a link to that page. So I did. Connection made there. We both appreciate the old hymns. A few minutes later he started listening to stories from various internet sites, read out loud on YouTube. He had the volume low because he didn't want to disturb me, but the story was interesting, so I asked him to turn it up. I think that surprised him. We listened together. Another connection made.

So it seems my part here is to stimulate communication. Instead of sitting next to him doing my own thing, let him know what I'm doing, and take an interest in what he's doing.

 

[Brad D.]

Since this is a Christian forum and I posted in Christian Advice because it was more important to receive Christian feedback from possibly unmarried people than it was to receive married feedback from possibly non-Christian people, I suppose I expected it to be understood that we are Christians.

Dear Sister, I meant you no harm. I'm not questioning if you are Christians. I'm simply addressing how you are both spending your time as Christians. You are right this is a Christian Forum, I was thus trying to answer it accordingly from the information you yourself gave. If you guys are spending a lot of time in prayer together, sharing in the word together, seeking God in your time together it would have been helpful to also add that. But from what you have said it is impossible to assume that is the case wouldn't you agree?

Hubby is a bus driver and is sometimes gone for days at a time. When he's home, he seems to think "being in the same room" is the same thing as "spending time together." Sure, we can both be looking at our phones and then share something funny or interesting with each other, and that's interaction. But lately all he's doing is watching YouTube videos pertaining to the transportation industry, and I have no role in that. There is nothing he would particularly want to share with me, and nothing I would particularly be interested in having him share with me. So when I wake up or enter the room, and the first thing I see is him watching some transportation-themed video, I simply pick up my own phone and start playing a game, or get on Facebook, or whatever. Then we're physically in the same room but both doing our own thing, and we might as well not exist to each other. This can go on for hours and hours. Yesterday we almost had an argument because I finally got annoyed enough to say something. (Note: I "say something" using a text-to-speech app on my phone, because for the past three weeks I have been entirely unable to speak. I can whisper a word or two if I force it, but no more than that, and I probably shouldn't. Doctors are still investigating what the problem is.)

 

[Brad D.]

On a side note. Not that you are probably particularly interested in hearing from me again HA! But for what it's worth, I do find it interesting He is watching job related videos very often. Do you think He is concerned about something that He feels stressed about that He feels He needs to constantly review something? Perhaps this is a way to to connect with him with something and see if there is an avenue of prayer, putting your own hurts aside and seeing if there is anything you can pray through with him. Just a thought.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Yes, brother Brad, you are right. The way I was looking at it, praying together and going to church together (if he's not out of town) is what Christians do, so coming out and saying it would have been stating the obvious. But it does seem that could have been made a little clearer. And sometimes the obvious does need to be stated.

He went out on errands a bit ago. When he got home, I cued up YouTube and played his favorite hymn, Stand Up For Jesus. He wasn't expecting that, but he liked it. We both stood beside the computer, because you can't sit down while that song plays. Not being real communicative, when it was over his comment was, "I thought that song had four verses. They only did three. Oh well." Which told me that he was paying attention and was into it. Now we're involved in taking care of financial business.

I think he watches the transportation videos for entertainment, but I'm not sure.

 

[Brad D.]

Yes, brother Brad, you are right. The way I was looking at it, praying together and going to church together (if he's not out of town) is what Christians do, so coming out and saying it would have been stating the obvious. But it does seem that could have been made a little clearer. And sometimes the obvious does need to be stated.

He went out on errands a bit ago. When he got home, I cued up YouTube and played his favorite hymn, Stand Up For Jesus. He wasn't expecting that, but he liked it. We both stood beside the computer, because you can't sit down while that song plays. Not being real communicative, when it was over his comment was, "I thought that song had four verses. They only did three. Oh well." Which told me that he was paying attention and was into it. Now we're involved in taking care of financial business.

I think he watches the transportation videos for entertainment, but I'm not sure.

That's sweet. I pray the song will stir something that will lead to even more. Bless you both!

 

[Gentle Lamb]

Can you try playing card games

Although this issue is in regard to marriage, I am placing it here instead of in Married Couples because given a choice, I'd rather have it addressed by Christians who are not necessarily married, than by married people who are not necessarily Christians.

It's basically a communication issue. Please understand I have a wonderful husband and I appreciate that very much, but nobody's perfect and there are always going to be problems.

My wonderful husband is change-resistant by nature and was slow to warm up to the idea of cell phones at all, until his job required him to have one. Gradually he came to see the advantages. We can always reach each other no matter where we are, he can look up any question on the internet because he carries it around with him, and he doesn't have to be bored out of his skull while wating for appointments. Several months ago (and it was his idea) we finally made the decision to stop our landline service entirely. We had kept it for a long time, "just in case," but no use paying for something when we can't remember the last time we used it.

That brings us to now.

Hubby is a bus driver and is sometimes gone for days at a time. When he's home, he seems to think "being in the same room" is the same thing as "spending time together." Sure, we can both be looking at our phones and then share something funny or interesting with each other, and that's interaction. But lately all he's doing is watching YouTube videos pertaining to the transportation industry, and I have no role in that. There is nothing he would particularly want to share with me, and nothing I would particularly be interested in having him share with me. So when I wake up or enter the room, and the first thing I see is him watching some transportation-themed video, I simply pick up my own phone and start playing a game, or get on Facebook, or whatever. Then we're physically in the same room but both doing our own thing, and we might as well not exist to each other. This can go on for hours and hours. Yesterday we almost had an argument because I finally got annoyed enough to say something. (Note: I "say something" using a text-to-speech app on my phone, because for the past three weeks I have been entirely unable to speak. I can whisper a word or two if I force it, but no more than that, and I probably shouldn't. Doctors are still investigating what the problem is.)

It turned out to be a variation on the same type of dilemma that pops up when we're getting ready to go somewhere. It can go on for some time before we realize that we're both ready to go and each passing time just waiting for the other. "I'm ready whenever you are."--"Oh, well, I was just waiting for you. I thought you were busy."--"No, I was just horsing around while waiting for you." Etc. You get the picture. Same thing with the phones. We're each passing time waiting for the other to want to do something besides look at our phones.

How do we break this cycle? Please note that if there is any "I'm waiting for you," or "I'm ready whenever you are," to be said, it will usually be me saying it. HOWEVER, and this is a big fly in the ointment, this is how it will go when I do.

I say or do something to divert his attention from the phone. Clear my throat, wave a hand, whatever. He sighs, rolls his eyes, and groans "just a minute" with a sharp edge in his voice before putting the video on pause so he can hear what I have to say. Of course this makes me hesitant to interrupt him next time, although if I tell him why, he will deny with every molecule in his body that he sounded even the slightest bit annoyed. I'm not saying he *was* annoyed, only that he *sounded* annoyed, but he will dig in his heels and insist that no, he did not, and that's the hill he's going to choose to die on. Good grief, all he said was "just a minute," and I'm giving him a hard time? What, am I trying to start a fight or something? This too is a recurring pattern. The exchange "It wasn't your words. It was your tone."--"There was no tone," is something that has been said countless times in our marriage. Sometimes I am unsure whether he is truly oblivious to it, or he's gaslighting me.

Of course the thing to do is to have a talk with him about these things, but as demonstrated, mentioning anything at all will result in me being accused of trying to start a fight.

And here I'm stuck.

Anything?

Can you try playing card games
Or board games as a way to reconnect and start having amiable down time connected together. At those times, phones can be off limits so you can talk. Or take walks together, no phones allowed or emergency use only?

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Oh, I'm sure we can come up with lots of things to do besides look at our phones. I do suspect we have communication issues that go deeper than that, and we need to work on it.

I can't bring up an issue I'm upset about, be assertive, or show emotion to any degree at all, without him shutting down all conversation, storming out of the room, and accusing me of trying to start a fight. Problem. He speaks to me in a sharp tone of voice and then denies it when I point it out. Problem. I give him information he needs, he acknowleges it, and then soon asks me for the same information again without appearing to remember we ever had that conversation. Problem. He ignores my suggestions, and then follows them later after somebody else besides me suggests it. Problem. He won't go to therapy with me because as he sees it, I'm the one who needs it, not him. Big problem.

He doesn't like it that I start threads such as this. He calls it airing dirty laundry in public. But if only I could bring up any subject directly with him, and feel safe doing it, then I would be glad to.

 

[Enilorac]

I can't bring up an issue I'm upset about, be assertive, or show emotion to any degree at all, without him shutting down all conversation, storming out of the room, and accusing me of trying to start a fight. Problem. He speaks to me in a sharp tone of voice and then denies it when I point it out.

These are not hallmarks of a "good" marriage. I would encourage couples counseling ASAP! In many ways, these actions are the definition of emotional abuse in marriage.
Emotional Abuse: What It Is and Signs to Watch For

While I'm not one for ultimatums, I think its time you did something about this. Many of your posts seem to deal with variations on this same issue.

But if only I could bring up any subject directly with him, and feel safe doing it, then I would be glad to.

Here you stated you don't feel safe bringing up issues. BIG red flag. HUGE red flag. I think you need a whole lot more help than you can get from a forum like this.

Wishing you good luck on this one.

 

[Gentle Lamb]

I have to agree with the post above. I at first was going to suggest trying to date and be romantic again to rekindle the "fresh love".... Until I read that you don't feel safe bringing things up.... I am not sure how you are dealing with it on a spiritual side, but I would definitely suggest pouring out your heart to God continually and confessing scripture over your marriage. The issue is far deeper than cell phone use.