Alone again on the holidays

[paul becke]

" I don't know how you just don't believe your daughter?"

ditto. Especially in the context of such an assault. They sound like quite sick individuals to me, I'm afraid. I'll bet that had sometihing to do with your deciding to give stripping a go. Difficult to honour your father and mother in such circumstances.

"And he answered them, saying, Who is my mother, or my brethren? And he looked round about on them which sat about him, and said, Behold my mother and my brethren! For whosoever shall do the will of God, the same is my brother, and my sister, and mother." Daily Mass and Holy Communion will be no defence on Judgment Day without a Christian heart (formal or informal). Although only God can know how much blame attaches to miscreants' own parents, and to what extent, if any, it exonerates them.

Yes, oddly enough, but for your traumatic experiences, I have an impression of you as a successful salesperson. That could offer a degree of independence in some cases.

Bank managers really don't want dealings with people who are painfully honest and negative about their cv, unless its to charge them usurious interest on loans. My mother, who's as sharp as a tack, businesswise, used to say to me, when I was filling in application forms for jobs, "They don't want to hear all that kind of stuff! Leave it out. She's always had a creative memory, generally. All the more so, now that she's in her mid-nineties and it's failing!

Banks seem nice and open, so if, at this least promising time, you could get and handle a job in one, you'd presumably be less exposed to sexual harrassment, which could possibly present a problem otherwise.

I feel bad about not mentioning the poor, desperately traumatised people on here, such as Broken Hearted, when I mentioned the soldiers' tsd.

Be in touch when I get some more brainwaves!!!!

 

[OnBrokenWings]

Hey Court,

I've figured kind of figured I had PTSD after the stuff I've been through. I know that's probably why heroin appealed to me so much back when I was using it. It just made me not care about my fears or care about anything else really. Since I've been off all the fears and depression and old emotions have come flooding back. Locking my self up in my house seems to be part of it. Sorry you struggle with it to. It's so hard to verbalize to people who don't know what it's like to be afraid all the time. Glad you don't think I'm crazy. I'm always worried I come across that way. I know my family and most of the kids at school and people I have met in my life generalized me as crazy.

I actually would like to do photography. Great idea Court! I have a pretty nice camera that I rarely use. I will take some pictures and see if I am any good.

Lol I thought it was kinda funny but true. I would have to say I am more comfortable around people in the dark. It makes it less personal and you feel more hidden. 10 - 15 years seems like forever. I have been off and on in the industry for 7 years and it's just been a long 7 years to say the least. Wow I feel for your husband he has had to have seen a lot.

I think with Asthma you get use to it after awhile. Your son will probably find that he does to. It's scary at first when you have an attack but you kind of learn to trust your inhaler and know that you will be okay. I know that it looks really scary to people on the outside though. Sorry you guys are struggling with that.

I'm so glad you met someone! I'm sure it's easier to talk to her knowing she knows what you've been through to. I always am afraid talking to "regular girls" I find they just make assumptions about me when they find out. Part of the reason college became difficult for me. It's such a small world though. I'm really happy for you! I get it being really hard to trust though so I know it's kind of touch and go.

I'll keep you posted. Working again tonight.... College night ughhhh......

Hey Paul,

Ya my parents are weird. They were great to my brother and sister and for some reason just were terrible to me because I was different. My brother was a jock and my sister was a cheerleader and I was like a rocker girl that was more interested in listening to music and reading. My parents thought the stuff I was into was evil and by association so was I. It's easier to hit and hate what you don't understand. By the time I was 13 I started using drugs and stuff to kind of escape all of the stuff I was going through at home, It wasn't by choice though. It's hard not feeling like you have a home at that age.

I wouldn't talk about my issues at work. I don't now and I'm not very open with people. So I guess that's one thing I have going for me in a business setting. I always find the people that spill there life story out to strangers a bit weird and desperate sounding. That's great you still have your mom! She sounds like a smart woman.

A bank I guess is an option to if I can ever get over my social anxiety.

Thanks for commenting I appreciate it!

 

[paul becke]

I'm pleased you tolerate and even think something of some of my musings, Elizabeth.

Yes, the old dowager is smart, but like most women, the family is everything; the rest of the world can go to blazes!

No. Seriously, she was very astute, but more importantly made us believe that we owned the sun, the moon and the stars. But if there was anything of a lesser order we wanted, we only had to ask for it, and it would be granted. But, cunning vixen that she was, she knew there was only one thing I wanted, and she wasn't prepared to allow me to get it: a motorbike!

My step-father eventually persuaded her to let me get one, when we were living in Adelaide in 1960, but one day he said to her, "I understand now why you didn't want Paul to get a motorbike. I saw him just now riding down Rundle Street (one of the main drags there), and he was looking everywhere but in front of him."

The other side effect she hadn't foreseen was that, since I grew up feeling that I already owned the sun, the moon and the stars, what was the point in striving to get on in the world? Besides, I could never fathom why everyone wanted to be a brain-surgeon, when Jesus and Joseph were carpenters. I'm none the wiser now.
And you think you're odd! Very late. Must go.

 

[BlondieLashes]

No Hun, I don't think you're crazy! I always worry about people thinking I'm crazy too...We've just been through a lot. That's all.

I'm glad you like the photography idea. My friend David that I told you about actually worked with a woman that was a stripper and she got into photography and made a career of it. She's not making as much as she was when she was stripping, but she has her confidence back and is much happier.

7 years is a long time in the industry. Yes, my husband has seen a lot. He hates to even talk about it. I wish he would more as I think it is not healthy to keep it all bottled up...

Yeah, we will see how things go with my new friend. I am so skeptical of people, but funny thing is her having been in the industry actually makes me more comfortable with her...

Let me know how college night went!

 

[OnBrokenWings]

Paul,

Your funny and you have good intentions so of course I like talking to you. You even have some good points ; )

Lol about the motorcycle! There was a time I wanted a motorcycle but quickly thought better knowing myself and the way I drive. That's funny that you step dad was in yourt corner but then saw you showing off. Guys are funny like that.

Hope your having a good day!

Court,

Ya I guess there would be something wrong with us if we felt normal. It's tough though when most people haven't been where you have. Glad I am talking to you though because you have.

I'm not one of those people that needs a lot of money and really nice things. I just want enough to be able to do what I want (Isn't much) without having to really stress. I'm glad that your friend helped that woman get some confidence and become happier.

It's crazy to think how much time I have wasted in the industry. The last 4 years especially have been hard. I'm sorry your husband doesn't open up much about it. I guess it's probably different for guys. We don't have to pretend to be macho or anything.

I would imagine that would make you more comfortable. You don't have to deal with the stigma that people who haven't been where we have usually attache to us. That makes all those preconceived notions go away. I know it's hard though and I struggle with being really skeptical of people to.

Ehhh last night was as expected. I can't stand "Bros" as I like to call them. That's the guys that usually come out on Thursday. A Bro is a 20 - 23 year old male that is likely wearing either a polo shirt or A and F tshirt, and a backwards hat. His idea of great music is Dave Matthews and Jack Johnson. His favorite sport is beer pong or frisbee. Last but surely not least his favorite word and the one he refers to all his friends by is bro. Ugghhh they drive me crazy..... It's hard for me to make myself fake enough to even talk to them. They all think they are the iznit which makes it even worse.... Oh well, today is Friday.

 

[BlondieLashes]

I have only a minute- so I will respond to the rest of your post later, but I just had to tell you you made my day with your "bro" description!!!! Not much has changed there in 10 years! We had the same type in our club when we had college night! Just sooooooooo funny!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for the laugh!

 

[paul becke]

Hi Elizabeth,

I was looking back over some early posts and noticed Catherineanne had brought up the point about PTSD, so, though I don't think so, it's quite possible I may have picked it up from her post subliminally. Not important but I wanted to say it. Catherine must have wondered.

Giving a little to charity, ("almsgiving", as the spiritual writers call it) fairly regularly is said to be the best source of grace of all, lending a little more force to our prayers. I mention it as the more arrows we have to our bow... well, they all add up in due course.

That was great that Courtney came up with the photography idea. My brother-in-law does it on an amateur basis, and I keep telling him to enter some of his photos in competitions, which I'm sure would be advertised and/or held by photography magazines, because some of them are really beautiful. And he's good with "candid shots". He somehow makes my sister laugh naturally.

My step-father was the most amazing bloke. He was I reckon about 5'2" to 5'4", though not quite as broad, and was in the army commandos from their inception at the request of Churchill in 1940 until the end of the war - during which period the mortality rate of the commandos was in the 90s. When he was injured he even served as Mountbatten's bodyguard, and showed me a photo of him next to M, who was Chief of Combined Operations at the time (alas, more from his royal connections than merit, it would seem); so I suppose it seems all the more remarkable that he relented! Though I expect he was just covering his backside!

Your description of the "bros" was funny. At that age, peer-approval is so important, it makes a mockery of the symbols of maverick individuality they all like to affect. It sounds like it made a reasonable break from the usual gauntlet of grabbing low-lifes. A trade-off, moneywise, though.

That book, The Perennial Philosophy, by Aldous Huxley is also worth reading. It has some beautiful quotations from a number of religions, mostly concerning asceticism of varous kinds. My favourite Christian quote is by a Protestant visionary called Thomas Traherne

"The corn was orient and immortal wheat that never should be reaped nor was ever sown. I thought it had stood from everlasting to everlasting."

And my favourite for humour, this reply given by the Sufi, the Bayazid of Bistun, to a friend who was knocking on his door:

Friend: "Is that you, Bayazid?"
Bayazid: "Is anyone here but God?"

Really helpful!

But I think it's OK for religious people to sound like "nuts", if they're trying to express the inexpressible.

Must go. Nice to gibber with you. Hope you are getting a little more happiness in your life through chatting with us, and things start moving for you in a better direction.

 

[BlondieLashes]

How did it go last night?

 

[OnBrokenWings]

Don't have much time so I have to be brief.... Sorry...

I'm glad you both liked my bro comments! Especially that they made your day Court! Ugghh Bro's will never go away as long as there is acoustic guitars and hackey sacks lol.

Friday was okay. Saturday I started drinking because I had a few costumers that made me feel really uncomfortable. I've noticed I have been getting urges to drink when I get uncomfortable. I think I might drink to feel more at ease when I am nervous. One guy grabbed me when I was talking to someone else and I hate that. It just put me on edge all night. I had another group of guys that were just really drunk and just saying messed up stuff to like everyone. I stayed away from them for the most part. It just made me even more on edge. Then I had this really creepy guy that kept asking me really gross or creepy stuff....... I wasn't the only one feeling like this though, I know Lauren was feeling the same. Good to know it wasn't all in my head atleast.

 

[BlondieLashes]

Still laughing about the bro's. I think I found it so ironic that they are still around torturing dancers with their rude comments and low tips 10 years later!

At least you are making the connection as to why you are drinking. Ah, you had a creepy sketchball or two on Friday. I unfortunately can relate (as I am sure all dancers or ex-dancers can) to a sketchball throwing you off your game. Honey, it's normal for you to feel invaded and upset when someone says/does rude things to you. It doesn't matter if you are a dancer or a lawyer. You are human. Rude behavior is still unacceptable! I am sorry to hear that Lauren was feeling the same, but glad you had someone to relate to. It's not in your head. I became a drinker/user in the industry too. Not condoning it, just stating that I did and that I totally understand. I too would drink or use just to get over rude comments or for me it was a competitive thing too. I would never feel good about myself unless I had the most dances every night and would use Vicodin and drink Vodka when I was needing an extra edge. Not a very wise choice - I ended up with pancreatitis - but it's what I did to cope.

I still worry about you driving home, but that's just the Mom in me.

Good to hear from you!

 

[OnBrokenWings]

Unfortunately think bro's are here to stay.... Ugghhh....

Sketchy guys just make me so uneasy. I always feel like they are going to hurt me or something. I don't like being grabbed either it really makes me want to hit someone. It does just throw you and gets you so off your game. I hate feeling uneasy it brings me back to a ton of old feelings among other things. Your right though it is normal to feel this way. Probably would be something wrong with me if I didn't? Ya Lauren actually had it worse than me. She had to deal with that group that I stayed away from and they were total jerks. It was nice at least that I knew it wasn't all just me. It was just a tough week for both of us. Sorry to know that you had trouble with drinking and drugs to.... I know I use them to make as much money as I can to. I usually try and shoot for $800 a night which wouldn't be possible if I had my way and hid all night. It does lower the boundaries and makes it easier.

I don't live to far from the club just about 25 minutes so I don't worry to much about driving. Roads are usually deserted on my way back to. It's dangerous though at times I know what you mean. Thank you for having some mom in you towards me, means you care about me ; )

Nice to hear from you to Court!

 

[BlondieLashes]

Awww Honey! If you were my daughter I'd be there every night to pick you up and make sure you got home safely. Heck- If we lived closer I'd be there to pick you up! I will only bug you about this once because I don't want to be a nag, but I wish someone had cared enough about me to tell me not to drive buzzed or drunk back in the day. I (thank God) never had an accident or a DUI, but it just takes one wrong move of the wheel.

Yeah, it takes a lot to get those inhibitions lowered esp. when you just want to hit someone. I know that I totally went crazy at times and actually did kick or strike customers. It was really tough. I feel for you.

Do you have the week off 'til the weekend? Do you have any plans or are you just kind of relaxing?