Alone again on the holidays

[OnBrokenWings]

Not really Christian so I hope you don't mind me posting here. Just kinda upset about my life and the path I've been going down for what seems like a lifetime. The holidays for people like me that don't really have a place to go is just really difficult I think and makes you think about your choices. Can't say that my first choice for places to be on Thanksgiving would be in a strip club that I can hardly believe is open. Like I said though not about to sit around with family that I don't have and talk over coffee so mine as well make money right? It's usually just the weirdo's andpeople with no place like you that turn up on holidaysthough. Not exactly a good crowd. I feel like it's better me working than another girl with a kid or family or something though. It's not that I want to be around my family or even be with other people it just would be nice to feel welcome some place. I never have felt welcome any place really just kind of always lived in my own little world.

It's hard for me to make friends, really hard. To people I went to school with I'm that girl that was a loser and got hot senior summer and became a stripper, to people who knew me from 18 to 20 I was crazy, wild, and then disappeared, to girls at the club they probably just think I'm quiet. So I know it's my fault I'm alone but it just doesn't make it any easier. It's hard to see people all with a place to go and being happy and your just not.Not trying to be jealous but it's just hard to be so alone at times when society says you're not meant to be.

 

[JESUS<3sYOU]

Hey, how are you doing? Remember, not everything society tells you is right. I really hope you're okay.

 

[BlondieLashes]

OnBrokenWings - You are soooooooo welcome here. You are what we are here for. I am so sorry you had such a bad Thanksgiving. It is so hard to be in the clubs on holidays- I know- I've done it. You're right- it isn't the best crowd to be around.

I take it you don't have your mom and dad to be at home with and/or don't want to be with them...I totally understand.

Will you be working Christmas too?

 

[OnBrokenWings]

Thanks for being so welcoming guys! I'm doing okay just hanging around. I have to work again tonight so just about to make dinner.

Sorry you have had to work the clubs on holidays to. Seems like every guy there is the sketchiest person on earth and trying to pick you up. Little things were just making me upset to like this guy got 5 dances with me but said he only got 2. So I basically just said whatever and he just paid for 2. So it was just rough while I was there. It got better when I got home I just made a huge tea and avoided black Friday people with my dogs lol.

Ya pretty much how things are with my family. I live really far from them but I don't really talk to them either so more then likely wouldn't go either way. There hasn't been an invite in a long, long time. Sorry you can understand that to.

I more then likely will be working Christmas. I usually work the holidays every year. I know a lot of girls have children and stuff so they should be with them you know?

Hope you had a good Thanksgiving!

 

[JESUS<3sYOU]

It's good to hear that you're okay. I hope you don't mind my asking, but why are you working in those places to begin with, I mean couldn't you find some other type of work? I'm not saying it's easy or anything, but on the other hand you don't seem to be comfortable with what you're doing, and to be honest I think that's a healthy sign.

 

[New Creation]

Hi there Broken Wings!

I'm Paula and I've worked many a holiday at the clubs too. I remember what a depressing feeling it was. I usually dealt with it by getting wasted. lol It sounds like you deal with it a little more maturely than that- good for you.

What state do you live in BW? What's your relationship with your family like?

I am SO GLAD you found your way here. This place was created for women like us so we could talk to each other and be supportive. There are women who are ex strippers, some who are still in the business and other aspects of the sex industry. I hope you feel safe and welcome here. I look forward to getting to know you!

 

[OnBrokenWings]

I don't mind you asking me questions at all. I started "dancing" if that's what you want to call it at 18 so I could move out on my own. When you're 18 it's really hard to be able to financially support yourself. I don't know why I thought stripping was the answer though. I had a friend who was a waitress at a club and I kind of just thought it was a good idea at the time. I moved out of my parents and then moved around a bit. I strip now because it makes enough money where I can live by myself and I have to deal with the fewest amount of people for the money I make. I am antisocial more or less. It's really hard for me to be around people at all these days. I couldn't handle the interaction of a normal 9-5 I don't think.

Paula,

Sorry you've worked the holidays to. I use to be a horrible alcoholic but those days are past me. I will drink from time to time but getting drunk doesn't really get me going you know?

I live in Colorado and grew up in the east. My relationship with my family isn't really much of a relationship. My parents were like really, really strict conservative and I just wasn't and it just didn't work between all of us. A lot of stuff happened and it just wasn't healthy for me to be part of that family.

Thanks for being so welcoming! I look forward to meeting all of you!

 

[OnBrokenWings]

Kind of lonely today. I haven't worked since Saturday night and haven't talked to anyone since then. I have to work tomorrow but I really am not looking forward to it. Thursday is our college night and something stupid always happens. I want to be around people at times but other times I want to just never leave my house. It's easy to be alone but it's hard to.

 

[BlondieLashes]

I am sorry you are feeling lonely. I really feel for you. Seems the industry leaves us with nothing to give and such a mistrust that it is hard to want to be with people...but it is also hard being alone.

College night...that can't be fun to work! I can imagine that the crowd is rowdy and the tips are bad.

What else is going on with you?

 

[SirKenny85]

Hello brokenwings, and welcome. I hope everything turns out for the best..I might be new here myself, but it seems like there are plenty of awesome, warm, and understanding people here. May God Bless...

-Ken

 

[JESUS<3sYOU]

Thanks, I don't know what to say. You have my support, for what it's worth.

 

[OnBrokenWings]

Hey Blondie,

Ya I just don't trust. I want to but figure what's the point most people are just out to hurt me you know? I don't get close to people really. We're meant to be social though so it's hard to be alone. I want to be alone but find myself wanting to be around people sometimes. It can be really confusing.

Ya college night stinks!!!! The guys are usually just drunk out of there mind and half are only there for the drinks. You can make money if you find the right guy but it's hard and I really don't like having to deal with all the drunks to get to that point you know?

Not to much going on with me. I have the night off so just relaxing before bed. How are things going with you?

Thanks Ken appreciate it!

 

[BlondieLashes]

You can call me Court if you want. It is confusing to want to be with people but to not trust them. I know that feeling all too well. I've been out of the industry for a decade and still feel the same way.

Things are good with me. Just put our Christmas tree up. My son is thrilled....so is my puppy who wants to eat the ornaments! Now I need to work on baking some Christmas cookies for people at my husband's work... Wow. I sound so domesticated. Lol.

 

[OnBrokenWings]

Hey Court,

I'm Liz.. I kind of have an idea why I withdrew at like 21. It's just weird because like I can't trust people at all and don't really like to deal with them but at the same time you need to be around them.... Sorry you can relate it's just weird but glad I'm not alone on it. It really doesn't matter who it is either you know? I really do my best to avoid the people I should be talking to like my family and coworkers. It's not just trust but loss to I think. I'm afraid I'm gonna get close to people and then something will happen and they will go away. Most people probably just think I'm crazy.

LOL nothing wrong with being domesticated haha... I was thinking about putting up a tree to make it more festive in my house. Had to be funny to watch the dog go to town on the ornaments.

 

[BlondieLashes]

Hi Liz! I don't think it's so weird that people that have been in the industry really don't like to be around other people. After you've seen the worst of people and have been treated poorly for so long I think it's a natural defense mechanism. I don't think you're crazy!

You should put a tree up...why not? It might make the holidays a bit brighter for you.

Yeah it was pretty funny when my puppy was going at the tree...she thankfully seems to be leaving it alone now.

Do you have to work on Christmas?

 

[OnBrokenWings]

Ya I really have just such a bad view of humanity these days. I wish I could forget a lot of what I know and what I've seen you know? I think me isolating has some stuff to do with this probably. I just don't relate much with people anymore. I use to think I did but it's just really hard to now.

I ended up getting a small fake tree. It does make my living room area a bit brighter. I like my house but it can get a bit gloomy. How is Christmas prep going for you?

Haha I remember my mom and dad would get a spruce tree because they didn't want our dog or us messing with it. Spruce needles hurt if you grab them so it forces the tree to be decorative lol.

I got Christmas Eve but it's looking like I'm off Christmas for now.

 

[BlondieLashes]

I'm glad you have Christmas off and that you got a cute little tree! Good for you!

I so feel you on your view of humanity and wanting to be isolated. I really do. I suppose we both need to take baby steps to trust again!

I know you have said you are not Christian, but just curious if you do have any spiritual views...(hope you don't mind me asking...if you do, just ignore me )

 

[OnBrokenWings]

Hey Court,

I had a panic attack at work Saturday. More gross disgusting people then usual asking me to sleep with them and grabbing me. I'm pretty embarrassed about it. I worked yesterday and luckily it was slow I just couldn't handle a busy day. I'm just tired of nasty pervs grabbing me.

I know if I am to get my life going again I am going to have to learn to trust people again to a certain degree. So I know your right and we both need to take those first few steps that are the hardest.

I was raised Catholic but can never remember truly getting a whole lot out of it. It would drive my parents crazy but I just wasn't ready for it. I kinda started searching out religions when I was in high school which my parents weren't happy about and I kinda did the rebellious thing and just picked the darkest beliefs I could to make them mad. It was pretty much all for show but that lasted until I was 21. Ever since that I have stayed searching like I am now. I am open to all types of different religions and I would like to maybe look into being christian again.

 

[BlondieLashes]

Oh Liz...I am so sorry you had a panic attack at work! I get them (still) every now and then. I really feel for you. I hope management was good to you and took care of you. I know some management can be really supportive and some can be really harsh.

I don't blame you for being sick of men grabbing at you. I got there too. I actually became physically aggressive towards the end of my "career" when guys tried to grab me. Not a good place to be.

I am excited that you are thinking of being christian again! That is the one thing that has made me survive. Without God I wouldn't be here. Would you be willing to contact Treasures...Harmony is a friend of mine and she does not push for you to leave the industry, but will send you books and gifts to support your decision for Christ. It's nothing weird and you don't end up on any mailing lists or anything like that. It's just nice to have support and know you're not alone.

Here's the website...just fill out the "Dancers and Industry Girls" portion and they will help you.

Treasures

You may just want to say a simple prayer asking Jesus to be your Savior and telling God you want Him back in your life.

I'll be praying for you and if I can help in any way please let me know.

Wishing you a Merry Christmas if you don't log in again before then, but I hope you do...would love to chat with you more...

Court

 

[Catherineanne]

I know if I am to get my life going again I am going to have to learn to trust people again to a certain degree. So I know your right and we both need to take those first few steps that are the hardest.

Hi Liz, nice to meet you. I'm Cathy.

I have a 17 yo daughter, and the thought of her having to endure what you are breaks my heart. If there is anything at all that I can do to help or advise you, I will, exactly as I would if you were also my daughter.

Firstly, about trust. You do NOT, absolutely NOT need to learn to trust again. What you need, imo, is to find some people who are worthy of your trust, and spend time with them, instead of the people around you at present. When you are with good people, the trust will come, I promise. In other words, the problem is not you; it is the others.

Secondly, you are far too socially isolated, and this is a very bad thing for any person. We are designed to be gregarious; we need one another, and we need good friends to laugh and cry with. You are right not to seek friends at work, but this does not mean you can survive without them completely. I would advise you to find a church nearby and go there over Christmas. Any denomination will do, but Catholic is best, because that is what is familiar to you. You don't need to say what you do for a living, just turn up for Mass, and let the liturgy feed your soul. You may find some friends there. If you don't, then try another church, and keep trying. Let the friends find you, but put yourself in the right place to let them do it. If you are unsure how to make friends, it is done very easily, simply by being a friend. Listen to what other people have to say of their lives, and remember it next time you see them; ask after their children, or parents or whoever. It will happen naturally.

Thirdly, you need to consider your future. Where do you want to be in five or ten years' time? Then work out how you are going to get there, perhaps by going back to college part time. Don't think that because you are where you are, that this is going to be your life. Start to plan your way out now. You can do it! If you don't know where to start, then consider what it is that you love with a passion, whatever it is. Is there any way to turn this passion into employment of some kind, or income of some kind? There must be something, so consider this over the coming days, and see what comes to mind.

God be with you.