Age Gap Relationships

[leynababe]

I have been in a committed relationship for the past five years with my boyfriend who is my age, 22. I am a reasonable, responsible adult. My boyfriend is not a Christian and I am a Christian which is one of our biggest problems in our relationship. We can not discuss faith, and we have opposing views on several different moral issues. Despite this dilemma, we love each other and continue to work on our relationship and I pray for him every day.

Recently I became the lead singer in a top 40's cover band. I am having a lot of fun working in this band and perusing what I love to do professionally. One of the men in this band I feel a strong connection with. I am developing romantic feelings for this person and I am pretty sure he is developing feelings for me as well. He is a Christian and has never been married. He is also thirty years older than me. I would never act on these feelings because it is not professional. He constantly jokes that I am too young for him, but I am everything he would ever look for in a woman. What eats away at my mind is this age gap. I have a functional, pretty normal relationship with someone my age and who is a non believer. Is it right to sacrifice that type of a relationship with someone my age? Or is it right to date someone with such a significant age difference? I am constantly praying for an answer and I don't know if I've already been given an answer or if I am completely numb to hearing what God is telling me. I don't know if He is telling me to get out of my current relationship, by having feelings for someone else, or if its OK to date in an age gap relationship. If time is irrelevant to God, does age mater in a relationship?

 

[WhiteWolf76]

You can't love two people... It doesn't work like that. If I were you I'd stay with the relationship you're in instead of pursueing something that almost sounds like a crush. Try to stay with this boyfriend of yours. Do you still love him? If what you feel for this older man is love then it can not be love you feel for your boyfriend. If you two really are in love you should be having this conversation with him, not us.

 

[Lokisdottir]

You can't love two people... It doesn't work like that.

Yes you can. But that's a whole 'nother thread.

leynababe, I'd say this is something you'll need to work out for yourself. Some people here will tell you that the age gap is not a problem; others will tell you it's wrong to date someone who's over twice your age. Some will say that continuing to date an unbeliever is okay, others will tell you to ditch him.

Personally, I wouldn't do anything hasty. Five years is a long time -- too long to throw it away for what might be nothing more than a crush. Wait a while before you make any decisions. See if your feelings toward your fellow band member continue to develop. Maybe they will, or maybe this is just a temporary infatuation.

On the other hand, you said that you have a "functional, pretty normal" relationship already. From the way you worded it, it doesn't sound like much fun. A relationship that's merely 'functional' isn't the sort that I'd want to be in. Are you really happy with the way things are, or are you only with him because it's been five years and you're used to him?

 

[z3ro]

I would treat this the way I would co-workers; a real big no-no, fraught with complications. For every story of it working out, there are a hundred that don't. Based on that alone, I would stay away from it.

As far as the age gap goes, that is a question each person has to answer for themselves. But look at it this way; when your in your 40's, he'll be in his 70's, and he's almost guarenteed to die before you, leaving you alone in the prime of you life. Your decision.

 

[El Brujo]

My advice to you really has little to do with age or religion, so take it for what it's worth, which may not be much...

First off, you should be extremely grateful that you are in a relationship with someone who supports the musical side of your life. I've been in several bands, and there's always one person who is consistently late or absent from practice because his or her boyfriend/girlfriend thinks the band is silly and bad for their relationship.

I realize it might sound like I'm laying a guilt trip on you, but if you love music and are in a relationship with someone who has no problems with your aspirations, you are one of the lucky few.

As far as age, I don't think it should really matter in a relationship as long as both parties have realistically examined the issue. But you've already said:

I would never act on these feelings because it is not professional.

That's something that you should think about carefully. If you do end up acting on your feelings, will you consider yourself unprofessional? If the relationship eventually goes sour, will it hurt your musical aspirations?

Whatever you decide, I wish you the best.

 

[Nymphalidae]

You ought to do what makes you happy. Busybodies will probably judge you, but I find that it's best to ignore them. Your life is your business and to hell with anybody who thinks they know better than you do how to live your life.

 

[Nymphalidae]

First off, you should be extremely grateful that you are in a relationship with someone who supports the musical side of your life. I've been in several bands, and there's always one person who is consistently late or absent from practice because his or her boyfriend/girlfriend thinks the band is silly and bad for their relationship.

I realize it might sound like I'm laying a guilt trip on you, but if you love music and are in a relationship with someone who has no problems with your aspirations, you are one of the lucky few.

I dated a musician once, and I never will again. Ever. Music is one of those things that sucks a person up and doesn't leave room for anything else in their life. Musicians live it and breath it and it's something that I cannot possibly relate to. They also assume that everybody loves music and wants to hear about it all the time, which is not the case.

 

[El Brujo]

I dated a musician once, and I never will again. Ever. Music is one of those things that sucks a person up and doesn't leave room for anything else in their life. Musicians live it and breath it and it's something that I cannot possibly relate to. They also assume that everybody loves music and wants to hear about it all the time, which is not the case.

I know what you mean. A lot of people don't know the level of commitment it takes to play in professional or semi-professional band.

Worse than talking about music, I'm sure those who are in a relationship with a musician must get bored to death with hearing conversations about .008 gauge E strings vs. .011 gauge E-strings and whether or not one should plug an acoustic guitar into an amp or straight into the PA.

Women probably get tired of hearing their husbands/boyfriends go on about such-and-such football team's new offensive line, but at least their mates are home on the weekends...

 

[Nymphalidae]

I know what you mean. A lot of people don't know the level of commitment it takes to play in professional or semi-professional band.

Worse than talking about music, I'm sure those who are in a relationship with a musician must get bored to death with hearing conversations about .008 gauge E strings vs. .011 gauge E-strings and whether or not one should plug an acoustic guitar into an amp or straight into the PA.

Women probably get tired of hearing their husbands/boyfriends go on about such-and-such football team's new offensive line, but at least their mates are home on the weekends...

I don't necessarily mind hearing about stuff like that sometimes, as long as they in turn pay attention to me when I'm obsessing over the excellent beetles I just collected. Also, I know that my career takes me away, so I try not to be demanding in turn. All I wanted was the one weekend a semester I was home from college

 

[Percy]

Take your time and do what you think is right. Of course there are practicle problems in any relationship (Age gap or differing moral views) but love can transcend these. Also consider leaving your religion if it gets in the way of happieness, faith can be a dangerous thing. Take yr time and do what you think is right.

 

[Arkanin]

Yes you can. But that's a whole 'nother thread.

You can want to love two people, and you can be attracted to two people. But, as I tend to perceive love that really makes people happy, you can't love two people. Call me a misguided idealist.

I don't know what to tell you to do. I know that your boyfriend hasn't let you down. Does he make you happy? If not, you have to leave. But if so, it seems like the best thing to do is realize that feelings fade and this new person may seem really great, but you'll probably have to say goodbye to him before you're 40, and those initial really deep connection feelings fade.

 

[leynababe]

Well, the relationship with my boyfriend has not been a stroll through the park. He's had (or may still have, but claims he's clean) a drug problem that he hid from me, and he also works 80 hours a week, so being a musician isnt really a problem. I stuggle with the dilemma of being a christian in his life and trying to be the best example of love and forgiveness to him. I've been the one sitting home waiting for him while he works all hours day and night, and now its my turn. I just dont know if God wants me to stay with this man, that obviously has some negative traits, and I'm in his life for a reason. Then I wonder if I'm being tested by developing a crush on someone else. It just kind of freaks me out that I have a crush on someone twice my age. I dont know if thats moral. not the crush part, but I never really thought of whether dating in an age gap relationship is moral. I guess it doesnt really matter if thats who you are suppose to be with. I know all of the stereotypes of people who do that where the young woman/man is a gold digger and the older person is the suger mama/daddy. Or, that both parties are just screwed up in the head. Either way, to me it is weird.

 

[Nymphalidae]

Well, the relationship with my boyfriend has not been a stroll through the park. He's had (or may still have, but claims he's clean) a drug problem that he hid from me, and he also works 80 hours a week, so being a musician isnt really a problem. I stuggle with the dilemma of being a christian in his life and trying to be the best example of love and forgiveness to him. I've been the one sitting home waiting for him while he works all hours day and night, and now its my turn. I just dont know if God wants me to stay with this man, that obviously has some negative traits, and I'm in his life for a reason. Then I wonder if I'm being tested by developing a crush on someone else. It just kind of freaks me out that I have a crush on someone twice my age. I dont know if thats moral. not the crush part, but I never really thought of whether dating in an age gap relationship is moral. I guess it doesnt really matter if thats who you are suppose to be with. I know all of the stereotypes of people who do that where the young woman/man is a gold digger and the older person is the suger mama/daddy. Or, that both parties are just screwed up in the head. Either way, to me it is weird.

drugs = goodbye

You just don't stay with somebody who has a drug problem. It's common sense.

 

[sparklecat]

You can't choose who you're attracted to, but don't stay with your current boyfriend out of a misguided sense of duty, or because you're wondering if it's what God wants you to do. You just can't know - it could be that God wants you to leave him because it'll be a wakeup call for him regarding his problems. Don't make decisions based on trying to guess that sort of thing. Do what will make you happy... if you're unsatisfied in your current relationship, try and fix it or end it. If you think you could have a great relationship with this other guy, try it, if he's interested.

 

[leynababe]

Staying with someone who has/had a drug problem and wants to change is different. He's never done it in front of me and has to the best of my knowledge and faith in him stopped. It was not easy by any stretch of the imagination building trust with something like that. Even he expects more from himself than that. I look at it as we are all sinners and are all given a second chance. So that is what I gave him. I have made it very clear to him that I am gone if it continues. This is also something that does not change over night, so yes it has been difficult. But at the same time I'm trying to help him get better and not cast him away for something he is embarrassed about, and struggles with. But being with someone who doesn't see anything wrong with starting that behavior, and has twisted ways of justifying it is really, really hard. He wants to change and part of that is admitting what is going on is wrong, and in the process of getting better he's battled with himself to admitting to that. He's also not a Christian so its been hard for him being accountable for his actions, and feeling like he has a purpose. I start thinking about what our lives would be like if I ever married him and had a family and that is a big question mark. Not if he still had a drug problem, but what values he would pass on to children. I'm probably overanalyzing the situation. Maybe I have a crush on an older man because he has his stuff together, and knows who he is and has a stronger sense of responsibility.

 

[KarateCowboy]

Thirty years? My g/f is ten years difference from me, and that's pushing it a bit. Thirty years? Too old.

BTW, drop the heathen.

-my $ 0.02

 

[Arkanin]

You just don't stay with somebody who has a drug problem. It's common sense.

If he doesn't deal with the drug problem expediently and permanently, definitely.

That sentence came out weird. It sounds like something Malcom X would have said.

 

[oreos]

Hi leynababe,

I sense you still have a degree of affection and fondness for this man you're going out with for some time now. At the same time your mind's telling you that this would not be a long-term relationship which would be entirely fulfilling. That's only natural and good to desire a spiritually based relationship. Our relationships with God is the deepest, most profound, and most important part of our souls. Therefore if relationship is about connecting on every level of ourselves to another person, then the spiritual aspect would be pretty significant. Hence we yearn for someone we can yearn with, all the way down to the part where God resides as well.

For me personally, I would imagine it to be somewhat difficult to have a relationship with someone who isn't a Christian. It would be easy to fall for them, but speaking from personal experience, there would be core issues where we would differ on, the very issues that matter to us. Being a sinners, we all are. Making the decision to believe in God, well, I think that's more of a choice.

Perhaps it would help to see what the Bible has to say in reference to this. I think while the Bible does not explicitly specify anything about age gap relationships, there are some guidance and advices given in the Bible about not being in a relationship with someone who isn't a Christian.

I think as Christians we are called to live life rather differently from the world. In that sense, I can understand why the world might be more precautious when it comes down to long-term relationships seeing how easy divorce happens today. So issues such as age gaps are seen as potential stumbling block. There is some wisdom there. Nevertheless I think the difference with being a Christian in marriages is that we are called to love someone the way Paul has described in Corinthians Chap 13 v4-8.

So with respect to love, age gap would disappear as a non-issue and what's more important are the abilities to compromise, to give and take, and especially honesty. (See my PPS below on books that talk of love in the Christian manner)

As long as we heed the Bible's wisdom on choosing a partner, I feel we would have a much happier relationship and also as you say, our children would be more likely to have a healthier upbringing.

PS Having said all that, I understand sometimes love strikes us just like that and well, once you're in love with someone, it is pretty hard feeling-wise to forego that relationship even though your mind tells you otherwise. I guess the best thing to do is to pray to God for guidance and to follow on from there as to what you feel is the right thing to do.

PPS There are some pretty helpful dating and relationship books at Christian bookstores. I know you might probably know most of the content in them and if you're anything like me, would be pretty reluctant to read it. But I find that sometimes we are reminded of things we forget and more importantly when the situation arises, some parts of what books say become more relevant to us in our real lives. Feel free to pick out the gems from these books and see if they might help pose crucial questions to help determine the next course of action. Take care.

 

[bittersweet517]

I think you should just be sure what you want. At least you have the option of choosing. I too have a like dilema. Only I'm the older one (not 30 years older, but older nonetheless), and the young man is the younger one. It seems that society doesn't frown as much on your situation (where the man is older). I know that it was mentioned by another post that he would die before you...but we have no reason to assume that. That is only in God's hands.

 

[jsfox]

A few thoughts. Dating, though lots of fun (and pain) in itself, really has it's purpose in finding a marriage partner, at least for a Christian. If you are serious about your faith you likely already know that marrying a non-Christian ain't a good idea. Regardless of any other relationships I'd break things off with your current boyfriend. You can certainly remain friends, but leave it at that. If he does committ his life to Christ, take it very slow before getting back in to any kind of dating relationship - like a year at least. Give him time to grow as a Christian on his own first.

Regarding the new guy. I wouldn't consider the age gap an issue, but I also wouldn't put any stock in any romantic feelings. The number one cause of divorce is simply a waining of romantic feelings - sometimes with no other substance (and romantic feelings rate a 0 on the substance scale) sometimes with good substance but participants who don't care about the substance, but just about romantic feelings.

Keep things at a friendship level. Think about the relationship from a practical standpoint. Will it work? Is there a possibility that the two of you might seek out different bands in the future or would you committ to always work together? Planning kids? Will you give up your career and let him keep his to raise them? In 20 years you'll be 40 and he'll be 5 years older than Mick Jagger - will there be any issues with that? Do the two of you have similar thoughts on secular vs Christain aspects of the music industry and where your careers will lead? Do the two of you enjoy each other as friends with NO romantic feelings?