After kids the body changes. How to handle this?

[katelyn]

"Right, but that should be the woman's responsibility"

That statement I disagree with. If you are dis-pleased with anything you should bring it up with one another [within reason], not sweep it under the mat.

I agree with the general sentiment you are getting at...be honest about how you feel or if there is a problem...but looks are a very sensitive subject!! My husband's not as skinny as he used to be, but I'm not going to bring it up unless it becomes a health issue. And you know what, I don't need to bring it up. Why? Because most people are self-conscious enough as it is. They already know they have a weight problem or whatever other problem you have with their looks without you telling them. Telling them only makes them feel more self-conscious, and in our image-driven society can make them wonder if because of their looks you will be tempted to look elsewhere!

I think what can be more helpful to women who want to improve the way they look is to have honest, caring friends. I am much more likely to discuss weight loss with a friend than with my husband. Maybe that doesn't make sense, but a friend has less personal interest in the issue (they're not supposed to find you physically attractive like your husband is), and any advice they give is just because they want to help you, not a selfish reason. Does that make sense? Your husband automatically has a vested interest in the way you look. A friend wants you to feel better about yourself; your husband wants to feel better when he looks at you. I'm not saying that his wife's feelings & well being aren't part of the husband's incentive, but just look at the motives of sp0ck's friend. He doesn't find his wife as attractive and wants her to do something about it.

Anyway, that's why I suggested the methods I did, because they are in no way bringing up the fact that "she needs to lose weight," but will still potentially help her improve her physique. Maybe there's a way your friend can find out if any of his wife's friends have any exercise routine and see if she could get invited with seemingly no involvement by him, other than to volunteer to take care of the kids while she goes or something.

 

[William Nunn]

This is such a give and take subject.

1. Yes, husbands can't be too judgemental about some things that happens to a woman's body during pregnancy. I've known two women (my sister, and a friend from high school) who had children and didn't keep ANY of the weight on - and my sister gained a TON of wieght during her pregnancy. But they both worked out and watched what they ate and got back to their normal body weight. BUT, they both had C-Sections and could not get their tummies to look the same as they did before pregnancy, and they had stretch marks. Those kinds of things can't be helped - and if the husband can't get over that then I question how much he loves his wife.

HOWEVER, keeping weight on is something that should be IMMEDIATELY dealt with. Don't go calling your wife a cow or anything, but even more than looks - her emotional and physical health are at stake. My sister in law has kept on a lot of weight after her two pregnancies, because of her horrible diet. It plays on her self-esteem, and no matter how much my brother says how beautiful she is, she hates her body. And that can be devastating to a relationship, when a woman (or a man) hates herself, she usually isn't going to love anyone else too much. And I don't need to tell you all about the health concerns. Diabetes in this country is insane, heart problems abound, etc. I for one will NOT be mourning my wife who died from a heart condition at 40 years old because she was overweight. If I have to physically make her become active and keep her away from junk food, I will - because I love her enough to want to spend my WHOLE life with her, not just the first half.

So post-pregnancy weight has a lot worse effects than just reduced super-model potential.

 

[Vollkommen Warrior]

" think what can be more helpful to women who want to improve the way they look is to have honest, caring friends. I am much more likely to discuss weight loss with a friend than with my husband. Maybe that doesn't make sense, but a friend has less personal interest in the issue (they're not supposed to find you physically attractive like your husband is), and any advice they give is just because they want to help you, not a selfish reason. Does that make sense?" - katelyn

Yes, katelyn this makes alot of sense to me. I understand where you are coming from now. William, you have a lot of sense for your years on such matters. Cheers to both of you. These are great ideas. Some I can even use for myself and my wife! I see that appearance can be a very sensitive spot for women.

This explains some of the borderline nasty replies I guess. Perhaps some of them who see this can re-examine themselves as well? Maybe they are being too hard on themselves in the mirror at times? Unlike Ben, I have seen some absolutely beautiful women sometimes at or over 150 pounds. I am not kidding. Sometimes it is the "shape" of the female body that is attractive. I never had a preference of weight really as long as they were in proportion (from an initial attractiveness standpoint). Thanks to you all!

 

[King Element]

Spock you hit on something interesting -- being a visual person. No matter how much other people think it is evil or unChristian-like, it's a fact of life that many people (including an increasing # of women) are visually oriented. That includes people who love the Lord and strive to be more Christian. That's just part of the human condition.

However, no matter if someone is visual, auditory or kinesthetic (physical), I think true love sees the interior of a person.

I can't imagine the pressure that puts women under to look a certain way. It's true that it's just not fair. However, the hidden problem with society determining how women "should" look is that men are just as much the victims as women...we men just don't realize it and see that we are being formed not into how "men" should look, but how women should look. Then we sometimes apply this standard to the women in our lives. Then we wonder why and how we got to the point that we don't like how our spouse looks.

I have stumbled onto a possible remedy that everyone who is married or involved with someone should do:


SUGGESTION:

Your friend should try abstaining from all sexual activity OF EVERY KIND for 1-2 weeks. By that point, I can guarantee you he will most likely start seeing her in a whole different way. After all, giving himself completely and exclusively to his wife is what God intended.

I have seen references from some marriage counselors that stopping all sexual activity that does not include the spouse and then limiting all future activity to only include the spouse can cure a very wide range of sexual problems and issues--including physical attraction.

If he won't do that or if this does not change how he feels then I would suggest they go to a counselor right now. There's no need to let it escalate into more problems.

Good luck and keep us posted.

 

[hillygirl]

I read something today in "Wild at Heart" by John Elderidge. I was reminded of it as I read this thread. He talks about Eve (woman) being the crown of creation. That "Eve embodies the beauty and the mystery and the tender vunerability of God." He goes on to quote CS Lewis, "The beauty of the female is the root of joy to the female as well as to the male... to desire the enjoying of her own beauty is the obedience of Eve, and to both it is in the lover that the beloved tastes her own delightfulness"

I have been on the receiving end of harsh words from my husband regarding my body after having kids (4 in less than 5 and half years). This set off a cycle of eating due to unhappiness then eating more because of the depressing vision I saw in the mirror and made it hard nigh impossible to move to a place where I could begin on the hard road to lose weight. It is hard to get motivated to do it. The only person who could do it for me was the Holy Spirit. Since starting on that journey 18 months ago I have had my ups and downs but with God's help I have lost 30kg (0r near 70lbs). I still have a ways to go until I am really happy about where I am but I will never lose the loose skin on my tummy without surgery. Even if my husband still drops derogatory comments, in clothes I am starting to turn male heads again and gosh that feels good. (and I do feel funny admitting that I like that somehow it doesn't seem proper or very christian)

So my counsel like the others is for your friend to tread very carefully any words even ones said in helpful lovingness might not be recieved by his wife in that way. Her hearing may be coloured by all the down and negative talk she may be saying to herself and all in all it might set her on a downward spiral that might make matters even worse like a 50lb weight gain.

 

[LN]

Its hard because I don't konw what specifically your friend doesn't like about the way his wife looks. If its weight, I would suggest offering to baby sit the child three times a week and give her a gift of any kind fo class she wants. So it could be like belly dancing, or pilates, or power yoga, or kick boxing. If she has gained weight from the pregnancy, chances are she's not too happy either and when approached gently she would probably be glad to take the opportunity to get out and get moving again. Something like "hey hon I know that you might want to get excercising again now its be x long since the baby was born. Are there any classes you want to do? I'd be happy to make room for them in the budget and watch the baby while you go."

How long has it been since she's had the baby? A lot of times it takes a full 9 months for the weight to melt off naturally.

If its the way her breasts look, or stretch marks. I mean what are the choices? Surgery or deal with it, right? If my husband wanted me to have plastic surgery after having a child I'd be very offended. I mean there has to be some element of being realistic about what a women is supposed to look like after having a child. I know you don't want to hear "deal with it" but I mean having your boobs done during breastfeeding is completely unrealistic!!!

Does your friend subscribe to magazines like Maxim or watches TV shows where women are all hard body clad in bikinis? If so I'd advise him to discontinue getting those mags.

LN

 

[Micaiah]

I like your post Evening Mist. You seem contented. That is a thing that many in our world do not enjoy. Pressure is applied from many quarters to make a person discontented. That is the reason for so many divorces. One party despises the other, and eventually leaves. It is pride. The same thing that caused Lucifer to fall.

 

[Micaiah]

I used to read my children a story about a beautiful sheep, and a runty piglet. Every day the piglet and sheep would meet. The piglet admired the sheeps glorious fleece, and loved to be with him. The sheep loved to be admired and praised by the piglet.

One day the sheep asked the piglet to jump into the lake and fetch a stick floating in the middle. The piglet hesitated. He had a cold and was not feeling well. But he loved the sheep and soon got up, jumped in the lake, and got the stick.

The pig never visited the sheep the next day or the next. The birds bought the message to that the pig was very sick. The sheep missed the admiration of the pig, and eventually went to visit him. The piglet was wheezy and shivering, and almost dead.

The sheep realised how foolish he'd been. He ran through a prickle bush until his glorious coating of wool was torn off. The birds carried the fleece to the pig. Warmed by the fleece, the pig recovered over time.

The sheep never looked quite as good, but somehow the pig loved him even more.

Spock, I can imagine that if your friend spent a little less time down at the gym, and instead got up early, did the washing ironing and cleaning, and helped tidy up when he got home; if he gave his woman regular time to herself to do as she wished, and sought to compliment her where possible; he would start to see some change.

His form may pale a little, but soon she will begin to glow.

 

[selune]

what a beautiful analogy! Spock's friend may not realize how his attitude may be hindering his wife. Like many have said, do things together that may not be outright exercise, dancing, walking, playing outdoor games with the kids (if the right age). Hopefully just doing things together instead of him focusing his workout time alone will help them.

 

[DaveKerwin]

I agree with peterc, the guy is a weazel, and he needs to grow up. If he married his wife only because she was smoking hot, then he shall reap his reward!

 

[samwise1971]

Spock,

My wife and I have 3 children. When I first met my wife I was attracted to her physically, but then and now I often find other women more visually stimulating than her. Then something weird happens. When i am really enjoying being with her and especially when we bocome intimate I suddenly find her the most beautiful person on earth. Sexuality is expressed by both physical and emotional feelings. My advise to your friend would be to focus on the emotional aspects of lovemaking. I think he will find the physical attraction will come back.

 

[Jenna]

What I think is that women are interesting creatures. After I had my babies, I definitely wasn't looking the same way that I was. No words of discontent, no matter how politely worded, would have made me feel the urge to work at looking that way again. If anything, they had a way of making me plain 'ole angry that I willingly put my body through hell to provide him with a child, and somehow came out looking less than beautiful. Was it anger just to be angry? Of course not. It was just a reaction to a sense of rejection. Tell ya the truth, I'd expect my spouse to love and want me just as much after children as I did the day that he first held me in his arms. Each scar I have, every sleepless night, and every tear of frustration stemming from bearing and raising children, should be embraced in a loving and grateful way. There have been times when I've wondered if my husband honestly thought that I wanted to feel ungainly and oddly proportioned, because the finger pointing was there. Not everyone can watch the fat melt off and leave them as untouched as though they were virgins. Still, we should all be loved and cherished just the same. THAT is what will motivate a woman to care for herself spiritually, emotionally, and PHYSICALLY. All of the discontent in the world won't motivate a woman to keeping herself healthy if it eats away at her spirit. I've seen more good come out of men who cherished their wives regardless than I ever did someone who was critical. *nods*

I have had to drop a lot of weight after having babies, and here are some of the things that my husband did for me that were positive and helped me to shave off pounds.

- Help. I could never have thought about exercising if I was so exhausted by caring for our little one that I had no energy left to work out. First it was watching the baby so I could sleep, and when I started to recover, then it was so I could have time to exercise.

- Kind words. ALWAYS. It did wonders to feel that I was just as beautiful to him in my extra weight as I was before children. Because he cared for me, I wanted to be more slim and attractive to him. I had faith that he already wanted me, but I wanted to give him even more. It never would have worked if I felt shamed into it though. The sweetest thing I've ever been told was when I was at my heaviest, and he said that when he looked at me, he saw the same beautiful girl that he married.

- Make love to her like you can't get enough. All the kind words in the world don't mean anything if she can see that you don't like to see or touch her while naked. Stroke and kiss all of her imperfections and let her know that they don't matter, that SHE is what matters. Help her feel beautiful and seductive, that she can turn your head and leave you drooling. Light a fire in her and it will shine in every area of your life together.

...... and there's my $0.02. It's all I have........

 

[Silent Enigma]

I guess this is off topic kinda but being sexy isn't contingent on having the perfect body. Its more of a frame of mind, right? (You know I'm right.)

 

[hisbloodformysins]

Well, I haven't read everyone else's responses yet, but my body too has changed after having just one kid so far. It's not that big of a change, yet..... Well, it's unfortunate for him, because it is important to be physically attracted to your spouse. But what's more important is that he love her and definitely let her know that his love is not conditional according to her weight. I'm grateful for my hubby's support right now, because pants just don't fit me the same thanks to my weakened ab muscles, I have to get an extra big size to fit comfortably around my belly, yet it looks bad because everywhere else they're too big..... uggg, lately I've been wishing I was an old lady when appearance isn't as important, because than I could get away with wearing more comfortable pants with the elastic waist bands....

 

[hisbloodformysins]

You know something, I've learned something in my relationship with my hubby- that love is about loving eachother in spite of what is unattractive to you. I have never really been attracted to my hubby. And this has been very upsetting for me causing me great discontentment. But now I feel like I'm more mature. I've learned to love my hubby God's way, and this is more important than the infatuation that we miss. Read my thread on marriage and familiarity. But your friend is faced with a new dilemma. And it'll take time to grow to a new level of maturity for him in his commitment in his marriage, and to God. If he remains committed to God through this turmoil, learning to lean on God and do things God's way, he'll come to that new place of maturity. But if he wallows in the discontentment, than that could lead down a bad path in his marriage. Discontentment is real, and he has real reason to feel that way. But like I said, he has to learn to grow. I believe I'm talking about 1 corinthians chapter 7?? Where Paul discusses marriage and contentment. And through experiance I've learned what he means, that it's important to learn to be content regardless of what circumstance you are in. And that's where he is now. It's likely his wife probably won't lose the weight, let's be realistic guys. He is going to have to learn to overcome this delemma and love his wife despite this delemma. My wise advice would be to encourage him to bring this to God, and to love his wife, not because he feels like it, but because the lord commands it, and because he's commited to God. God will so bless him and grow him up. Pray with him. God Bless.

 

[Risen Tree]

It is possible to change your perception of what is attractive. (Speaking to anyone and everyone in general now.) It makes me a little sad to hear so many women who despise their bodies. When I think about my body now in contrast to a model's body -- I feel pretty inadequate. But when I think about my body in terms of what my children need, I feel quite proud! My children love that I am soft, that my breasts provide warm sweet milk and a comfortable resting spot, they love the fact that my hips and my back has broadened enough to bear their weight well into their preschool years, to play ball with them in the backyard, to work in the garden, etc.. The 20 pounds or so extra weight I'm carrying seems to be related to my better ability to resist illness and stay well for my kids, and carrying this extra weight also seems to be related to an increase in my sex drive. My stretch marks are a symbol of an amazing struggle that my body endured to bring forth life... they are a reminder of what I can endure. I am shaped perfectly for being a mother. I flat out refuse to be ashamed of this.

Good for you.

 

[Vollkommen Warrior]

"But your friend is faced with a new dilemma. And it'll take time to grow to a new level of maturity for him in his commitment in his marriage, and to God. If he remains committed to God through this turmoil, learning to lean on God and do things God's way, he'll come to that new place of maturity."

Brilliant. I will pass this on.

 

[Vollkommen Warrior]

I agree with peterc, the guy is a weazel, and he needs to grow up. If he married his wife only because she was smoking hot, then he shall reap his reward!

Can it. Attack the issue at hand not the whole person.

 

[invisiblebabe]

Well, I am not married (God willing, someday I will be ) but I just wanted to share my take on something:

I read something today in "Wild at Heart" by John Elderidge. I was reminded of it as I read this thread. He talks about Eve (woman) being the crown of creation. That "Eve embodies the beauty and the mystery and the tender vunerability of God." He goes on to quote CS Lewis, "The beauty of the female is the root of joy to the female as well as to the male... to desire the enjoying of her own beauty is the obedience of Eve, and to both it is in the lover that the beloved tastes her own delightfulness"

Now, I think a lot of people, both men and the women themselves, don't realize how much women want to be perceived as beautiful. Sometimes, they even see it as sinful. So long as vanity does not take over one's life, and God is number one priority,there is nothing wrong with women wanting to be seen as beautiful. The Proverbs 31 woman adorns herself with purple silk, Esther was a beauty queen, and check out Song of Songs. God designed women to be beautiful creatures (and there are many different kinds of beauty!!) loved and cherished, and each one admired for her unique brand of beauty, both inside and out.

My advice to Spock's friend would be to point out the beautiful things about his wife... like, her smile hasn't changed since her pregnancy, I'll bet... and her eyes are still the same. Maybe she has exceptionally pretty hair or a great complexion. Look for the good, and tell her! It'll do wonders.

 

[Warrior Poet]

Hi folks,

A friend of mine told me he is not as attracted to his wife after having kids because [edited for content]her body seemed to change so drastically it was shocking. He says he was sexually attracted to her body before but is visually un-stimulated now and not sure how to handle feeling less attracted. I am not sure what to tell him because I am "visual" myself. Any suggestions on what this guy can do? Should his wife do anything as well?

I didnt read all the response....but how could he be unattracted..something about the body that gave birth his child what could be more appealing then that. Call me a sick puppy but there is a quality about a "mom" body and all that i will admitt has an attractiveness that cant be rivaled. Thats just me though

Nice guy or not your friends weak sauce Spock. Did he think her body wouldnt change???? Thats so unrealistic I cant even laugh at it. The other problem I see here is now the "sex/sexual desires" are purely based on looks. I know this happens in a very high percentage of marriages, sex can become non-existant, but IMO its becuase it continues to be nothing more then a physical act. The "connection" you felt when you first started engaging in the act is gone, I wonder if there is anyway around this. IMO to your boy sex is just sex, its not a bonding thing dude just wants to get his rocks off and his wifes new and improved body isnt for him...... i can see one of two things, turn the lights out, or grow up and remeber that sex is unity and love, not something we get to do then roll over and sleep, I will venture a guess and say he's not a big cuddler at this point either then.

Edit: To your response to those attacking the person not the issue....HE IS THE ISSUE.

Warrior Poet