After going too far...

[ps34_18]

hey everyone, here's the story: my boyfriend and I have been dating for just over two months now and have a pretty strong relationship developing that I can see culminating in marriage eventually. However, we have a huge problem with physical boundaries and stopping before we go too far. Our definition of too far: kissing below the neck and fondling, plus the usual going too far of going all the way, but so far we haven't gone quite that far. Last night we went too far again (the first part of the definition), and to be completely honest it devastated both of us. I managed to stop us before we went any further than we did, but afterwards I was crying, and he was crying because he knew he'd hurt me, and everything was generally a mess. He almost walked out the door, and I think that fact almost hurt more than the rest of it. But he stayed, and we ended up driving a couple hours to try and get a hold of a youth pastor we both trusted. The lines of communication between us are pretty solid, and we've been able to talk quite a bit about what happened, so I've no doubt in my mind that we will be able to work through this.

My point: it still hurts that we went this far and knowing I will regret it for the rest of my life. How do I move on? How do I get over the hurt of knowing that I let myself be used like this? Even more importantly, how do I keep it from happening again? I know God forgives us; I'm clinging to the hope of His grace...but how do I let myself heal? Any ideas....?

 

[jay_swift]

hey everyone, here's the story: my boyfriend and I have been dating for just over two months now and have a pretty strong relationship developing that I can see culminating in marriage eventually. However, we have a huge problem with physical boundaries and stopping before we go too far. Our definition of too far: kissing below the neck and fondling, plus the usual going too far of going all the way, but so far we haven't gone quite that far. Last night we went too far again (the first part of the definition), and to be completely honest it devastated both of us. I managed to stop us before we went any further than we did, but afterwards I was crying, and he was crying because he knew he'd hurt me, and everything was generally a mess. He almost walked out the door, and I think that fact almost hurt more than the rest of it. But he stayed, and we ended up driving a couple hours to try and get a hold of a youth pastor we both trusted. The lines of communication between us are pretty solid, and we've been able to talk quite a bit about what happened, so I've no doubt in my mind that we will be able to work through this.

My point: it still hurts that we went this far and knowing I will regret it for the rest of my life. How do I move on? How do I get over the hurt of knowing that I let myself be used like this? Even more importantly, how do I keep it from happening again? I know God forgives us; I'm clinging to the hope of His grace...but how do I let myself heal? Any ideas....?

God designed women and men to sexually arouse eachother. It's his gift to us to use when we are married. You should be glad that you found someone that you can be so intimate with! But, of course, it is sinful to do these things before marriage. The way to stop doing these things is to keep yourself out of those situations. My ex and I had a "no kissing while laying down" rule. Try things like that to keep your hands from roaming! Talking to your youth pastor is also a great idea.

 

[leah-bygrace]

Jay gave good advice, and to further his point: make very specific rules. If one of them has to be NOT being alone in a home together, so be it. You both know where the temptations start and every couple is different. Some can handle kissing or being alone together, others decide it's best not to do either.

I know the guilt you feel. Often the hardest part is forgiving yourself. Prayer is powerful. Prayer alone, but most importantly with your bf will be beneficial. I think praying together for help and strength against temptation will make your relationship stronger and help both of you individually.

 

[desi]

Better to marry than burn from passion.

 

[enslow]

Better to marry than burn from passion.

But read Fit To Be Tied by Bill and Lynne Hybels and The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman.

Better yet, I'd back off on the physical intimacy (even kissing above the neck, perhaps even hand holding if necessary) for awhile. In any relationship both partners tend to exhibit best behaviour and cater better to each others needs during the first 6 months. After that the regular personalities show up and only then can you decide whether you really want to spend the rest of your life together.

Whatever you do, don't marry for sex.

Enslow

 

[desi]

But read Fit To Be Tied by Bill and Lynne Hybels and The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman.

I have enough trouble putting the time in to consistently read my Bible.

Better yet, I'd back off on the physical intimacy (even kissing above the neck, perhaps even hand holding if necessary) for awhile.

This never works.

In any relationship both partners tend to exhibit best behaviour and cater better to each others needs during the first 6 months. After that the regular personalities show up and only then can you decide whether you really want to spend the rest of your life together.

Whatever you do, don't marry for sex.

Enslow

If they're having sex they should have progressed in other areas of their lives. Get married and make it legal!

 

[Breetai]

Better to marry than burn from passion.

I agree with that one!

Better yet, I'd back off on the physical intimacy (even kissing above the neck, perhaps even hand holding if necessary) for awhile.

...and if you can't handle that, then stop dating...or get married. I stopped dating until I want to get married. I'm serious.

 

[mathias1979]

If they're having sex they should have progressed in other areas of their lives.

This would be a fair assumption if everyone explored other areas of their relationship inside and out and decided they were compatible before having sex. But unfortunately that's not the case. You can't assume their relationship is fully developed because their having sex. That's not the way most couples work these days.

-Matt

 

[nahMish]

i agree with the rule, "dont kiss while lying down''- it always asks for trouble !

the best thing that you can possibly do when dating is to use your mouths to talk, rather than anything else. communication is the only thing that will truly keep you with the same person for life....sex fades (have a look at your grandparents if you want to think about this idea more...)
dating is about self control and respect for the other person. even though you have made a mistake in the past, decide-with God's help- that it is not going to happen again. make sure that your goals are specific, dont just say that you will stop before you end up having sex- its too vague !

and no, it is not better to marry than to burn with passion after two months of dating. i dont think that Paul was referring to a short term relationship.... i hope that was in sarcasm...!
take heart that you have made the right decision in seeking help- but remember that once the line is crossed it is more difficult to not "go there" again....

xoxox

 

[bliz]

Were I a betting woman, I'd be willing to bet that the inappropriate actions did not take place at the local McDonalds, or in your livingroom watching TV with you parents, or at the bowling lanes, or while playing Boggle with a group of friends. I'd bet that the two of you were alone somewhere with a high level of privacy.

You say that you don't want to get burned, but you keep walking around that fire, picking up sticks that are aflame on one end, holding your hand out over the heat, adding wood to the blaze and watching the flames and sparks shoot up... A fire safety expert is not necessary to figure out how this is going to go down.

Instead of drawing imaginary boundry lines on your bodies, the two of you need to draw imaginary lines around places where you will not go alone.

 

[desi]

Bliz, your post reminds me of that old song, 'Children behave. That's what they say when were together... I think we're alone now, there doesn't seem to be anyone around...'

 

[Breetai]

Bliz, your post reminds me of that old song, 'Children behave. That's what they say when were together... I think we're alone now, there doesn't seem to be anyone around...'

Haha, Tiffany. That's awesome.

and no, it is not better to marry than to burn with passion after two months of dating. i dont think that Paul was referring to a short term relationship....

Why wasn't he?

 

[enslow]

I have enough trouble putting the time in to consistently read my Bible.


This never works.


If they're having sex they should have progressed in other areas of their lives. Get married and make it legal!

I was suggesting the reading for psa. Of course I would love to recommend the books for you to read too!

From the original post I don't think they've had sex yet. As for saying backing off never works, that's not true. I promised my fiancee even before we started officially dating that I would never do anything to make her feel uncomfortable. I also told her I didn't want to be asked to back way off something, so I didn't want to start something that couldn't be stopped easily. I have always honoured my promise and that has helped to create a stronger bond between us. Maybe it won't work for everyone, but if it works for me I'm sure it'll work for some others.

To me it sounds as if they are getting lust mixed up into their relationship. If they don't back up now they may end up having sex sooner than later. If they marry now I'm afraid they'll marry for lust rather than for love. I would hate to see that tragedy. If at all possible I recommend they try to back off rather than marry just now. If they truly love each other I bet it'll work.

Anyway, I'll let you get back to your bible Desi.

Enslow

 

[Warrior Poet]

Well then if you arent gonna get married you get the oppertunity to learn what self control and respect is, marriage in this sitaution is nothing more then a cop out. After marriage and the passion is gone you can rekindle it with someone else till that passion is gone then move on to the next.
Learn something rather then finding the easy out, or in this case the easy "in"

Warrior Poet

 

[desi]

Well then if you arent gonna get married you get the oppertunity to learn what self control and respect is, marriage in this sitaution is nothing more then a cop out. After marriage and the passion is gone you can rekindle it with someone else till that passion is gone then move on to the next.
Learn something rather then finding the easy out, or in this case the easy "in"

Warrior Poet

Marriage is the Godly context of passion, Paul taught us that. Where does the Bible suggest it is wise to wait to marry? To wait to marry would merely invite the sweet taste of sin to become a recurring theme in their lives.

 

[Warrior Poet]

You'll have to make a better case then that to convince me that passion is the Godly extent of marriage, I have never heard nor come to that conclusion from reading Pauls words. If it can viewed to be safe and healthy it can just as easy be turned against that person(s). Well Jesus spoke of the joining of two people, leaving the parents, becoming one. Theses aren't to be taken lightly, you of all people should understand Christs teachings on this, sense your understanding of Him and his word surpasses all of ours. Even more so sense you love to point out that Christs teachings on divorce, are you honestly telling me that this should be a hasty decision that passion overrides Gods maticules details in this area? He posts many cautions about treating marriage as such.
In top of that she didnt ask what she can do to okay it, she asked what she can do to get over it, marriage wont help the problem, dont use the "passion" line as a get out of jail free card cause you cant control your hormones or yourself. Thats cheapenig the point of that verse. If a person has to jump from bed to marriage knowing what they did prior was wrong, they are simply relying on Gods grace to save there mess up and as desi has informed me, thats cheapening Christs word. If you cant control yourself prior to marriage, if you cant establish self control over sexual desires, then your role in marriage has been weakened. One weak link in a marriage can be devistating.

Warrior Poet

 

[mathias1979]

Desi, I am very confused here. I usually think you have some great advice and wisdom. But are you honestly suggesting that if we can't control our passion and exhibit some form of self control with our significant others that we should run out and get married so we can have sex freely? If this is the case, and I haven't misunderstood the point to your posts here, then why are you essentially telling people not too look beyond the physical in their relationship? This is what gets everyone into trouble and one of the big reasons why divorce has skyrocketed. If I'm misinterpreting your intentions here, please explain yourself a little more clearly.

I agree with WP here...you've got to learn to control your passions when you're dating someone so that you can really get to know them beyond the physical. If you really know your significant other thorougly...and still love them, that should be the deciding factor of when it is time to get married. Perhaps Desi, you're assuming the original poster is already at that point with their SO? Because that's the only way that I would be able to understand what you're advising in this thread.

-Matt

 

[desi]

Desi, I am very confused here. I usually think you have some great advice and wisdom. But are you honestly suggesting that if we can't control our passion and exhibit some form of self control with our significant others that we should run out and get married so we can have sex freely? If this is the case, and I haven't misunderstood the point to your posts here, then why are you essentially telling people not too look beyond the physical in their relationship? This is what gets everyone into trouble and one of the big reasons why divorce has skyrocketed. If I'm misinterpreting your intentions here, please explain yourself a little more clearly.

I agree with WP here...you've got to learn to control your passions when you're dating someone so that you can really get to know them beyond the physical. If you really know your significant other thorougly...and still love them, that should be the deciding factor of when it is time to get married. Perhaps Desi, you're assuming the original poster is already at that point with their SO? Because that's the only way that I would be able to understand what you're advising in this thread.

-Matt

I take for granted the people involved got to know each other a bit before they had sex. If they had sex five minutes after meeting for the first time they have serious problems which neither marriage or more dating would help. After a couple have sex their relationship changes in a way they can't undue, you can't unring a bell. These two have become one. Since they know and trust each other enough to share themselves what more is there for them to talk about before marriage? What will they gain by waiting, except the huge temptation to have sex again? I think most people would agree once a couple has sex they will do it again, and again... If this relationship is going to turn into anything more than lots of talk and twisted feelings of guilt ridden pleasure marriage has to happen.

 

[mathias1979]

I take for granted the people involved got to know each other a bit before they had sex. If they had sex five minutes after meeting for the first time they have serious problems which neither marriage or more dating would help. After a couple have sex their relationship changes in a way they can't undue, you can't unring a bell. These two have become one. Since they know and trust each other enough to share themselves what more is there for them to talk about before marriage? What will they gain by waiting, except the huge temptation to have sex again? I think most people would agree once a couple has sex they will do it again, and again... If this relationship is going to turn into anything more than lots of talk and twisted feelings of guilt ridden pleasure marriage has to happen.

That's what I figured you were saying...but you may want to put a disclaimer on that Because so many people do have sex before they've really gotten to know each other as they should. But I guess I kind of agree with you, if they're having sex after they've taken time to know each other inside and out, then they are probably ready for marriage anyway. So no use putting it off.

-Matt

 

[Warrior Poet]

Sex is part of marriage not the basis of marriage. Being comfortable enough to be naked and expose yourself to one another is a big deal. There is a lot of resposibility that goes along with that step, unfortunitly for many they dont realise that marriage is a huge mountain, and in this case its being treated like speedbump. Having sex prior to marriage can also mean he doesn't respect her and she doesn't respect herself. Getting to know someone that well tends to put both gaurds down, and become easy influenced. Especeacclly by oneself and their SO. The comfort and all that is fine, but it can show a lack of respect and integrity, just as easily as show a readiness for marriage. I guess thats my point, just wiegh both sides.
It would be nice if you could always assume the ideal, buts its only fair and realistic to see both sides.

Warrior Poet