Advice....

[Armistead]

I've always tried to be a giving person. I worked for the same company for 23 years. I was stricken with a nerve disease..RSD and finally lost my job.
I opened my own business. It was so hard. The problem is mostly pain, but the more I move..the worse it gets..dizziness, ect. Have been told to go on disability several times. However, business was good. I could control my pace. In 23 years you meet a lot of customers..and my ex boss once said he should have just paid me, considering all the customers I took..

Two years I did great. I have family members that have gone through hard economic times. My brother lost everything, including his wife. My Mother is old and ill. There are others. I have given so much money away. It seems once you start, it becomes expected. Due to my brothers mental state..he almost went insane of losing everything, I almost felt I had to take care of him or he would die.

Seems everyone thought I was rich...not, and I became a money pit to them. I should have been saving more, considering I am ill. I finally cut my brother off. He would take no action at all. He attempted suicide, spent time in a mental ward, ect. Mostly it's games to get help, but he is emotionally ill. I took care of him for two years. Now he is homeless. Still, he could work, if he could get past his mental illness. I think it's more emotional because he was fine before he last it all. Still, I give away more than I made to other members. My niece is pregnant with cancer...heartbreaker and husband laid off.

I had a customer go bankrupt, still owed me over 100K. Probably will put me out of business. So I am doing all I can to stay afloat. My illness is much worse and I have to work twice as hard and my Neuro says it will just bring me down even faster.

I have tried to explain to my family I am not a money pit. I just made good money for awhile. The economy has all but killed the construction industry. I have to take care of my family. Christmas, some wouldn't speak to me. I just don't have it anymore.

If I don't move my brother in he will probably die, but I must also take care of an elderly mother, that we planned to move in. He also lived off her and wiped her savings out.

Three family members have lost all. Some poor decisions, others just things happen.

The main issue is my brother. He is impossible to get help for, but will probably die. I can't move him in, I have kids and he is mentally impossible to live with. He will not or mentally can't get help.

Is there a time you can turn your back on your family and not feel guilty.
The ones I refer to have never considered my issues or disease.

 

[one11]

I've always tried to be a giving person. I worked for the same company for 23 years. I was stricken with a nerve disease..RSD and finally lost my job.
I opened my own business. It was so hard. The problem is mostly pain, but the more I move..the worse it gets..dizziness, ect. Have been told to go on disability several times. However, business was good. I could control my pace. In 23 years you meet a lot of customers..and my ex boss once said he should have just paid me, considering all the customers I took..

Two years I did great. I have family members that have gone through hard economic times. My brother lost everything, including his wife. My Mother is old and ill. There are others. I have given so much money away. It seems once you start, it becomes expected. Due to my brothers mental state..he almost went insane of losing everything, I almost felt I had to take care of him or he would die.

Seems everyone thought I was rich...not, and I became a money pit to them. I should have been saving more, considering I am ill. I finally cut my brother off. He would take no action at all. He attempted suicide, spent time in a mental ward, ect. Mostly it's games to get help, but he is emotionally ill. I took care of him for two years. Now he is homeless. Still, he could work, if he could get past his mental illness. I think it's more emotional because he was fine before he last it all. Still, I give away more than I made to other members. My niece is pregnant with cancer...heartbreaker and husband laid off.

I had a customer go bankrupt, still owed me over 100K. Probably will put me out of business. So I am doing all I can to stay afloat. My illness is much worse and I have to work twice as hard and my Neuro says it will just bring me down even faster.

I have tried to explain to my family I am not a money pit. I just made good money for awhile. The economy has all but killed the construction industry. I have to take care of my family. Christmas, some wouldn't speak to me. I just don't have it anymore.

If I don't move my brother in he will probably die, but I must also take care of an elderly mother, that we planned to move in. He also lived off her and wiped her savings out.

Three family members have lost all. Some poor decisions, others just things happen.

The main issue is my brother. He is impossible to get help for, but will probably die. I can't move him in, I have kids and he is mentally impossible to live with. He will not or mentally can't get help.

Is there a time you can turn your back on your family and not feel guilty.
The ones I refer to have never considered my issues or disease.

First, has your brother been diagnosed? I know a lot of people who are loads on their families because of drugs and alcoholism. If he's been diagnosed as mentally incapable of working, then he needs to go on disability. Also, remember that Reagan started the closure of the mental hospitals, that's why we have so many homeless people today. And also don't be angry if your brother has a mental illness. The brain can malfunction just like any other body part. Also some street drugs can cause mental illness. Did you brother take a lot of street drugs -- angel dust, XTC, acid, anything you can think of......? And also is he a vet? They say 1 in 3 vets will have a mental illness and he can get compensation.

It also sounds like you need to go on disability for awhile.

Start the filing processes, and also did you doctor ever talk to you about going to a pain management clinic?

Also, if you mother has nothing, you are entitled to get up $750 a month if you take her in. You need to call social security immediately to find out some of these things.

I also heard the bankruptcies courts are opening again, so you need to call a lawyer to assess your financial situation.

Also, I'd recommend any of Suzy Orman's financial books. She explains how to save in your IRA and ROTH IRA and explains the difference between the two (IRA vs ROTH), along with a lot of other ways to manage your money. If you don't like her books, look for ones you do like. Also, some financial books about savings bonds are important as some people say that your age should determine how much money you should be saving and putting into bonds. So using that example of your current age of 45, 45% of what money you are able to save should be going into savings bonds. As you reach 60, 60% of your money should be going into savings bonds, etc. There was current talk on CNBC that the average investor would have done better the last 16 years in savings bonds than in stocks.

So these are some advice objectives I have for you, but you have left me with some answered questions also, that's why I asked the questions.

I'm asking if your brother is an alcoholic or a drug addict because I do not think you should be an enabler of that. Call AA or CA and ask what you should do, but do not enable an alcoholic or drug addict. It won't do any good. If a family members agrees to AA or CA, you should be there for them, but they have to want to help themselves and be sincere about it, otherwise they are just wasting their life and there isn't much you can do about it without a team effort and sincerity on their part.

Also if your brother is truly mentally impaired and cannot function, you could get power of attorney. That's why you need a diagnosis. With a diagnosis, then you'd know better the services available to you including the financial ones to care for your brother in the most humane ways possible. You can also be compensated financially for taking care of your brother.

You also can be compensated financially for being your mother and your brother's legal care taker, providing they live with you. You definitely need to call your local Social Security office immediately as there are many options for you. A lawyer can also help assess if your debts in your current physical illness should be wiped out in order to save the roof over your head and feed your family.

..

 

[dayhiker]

Hi Armistead,
Your situation touched my heart. I've been unemployed for much of the last 13 months myself. I've had to pull in my giving a lot. I'd much rather be in the giving mod I was in when I had a good job. But I just can't got there now.
I accepted unemployment with gratitude for the 1st time in my life.
So I think you should realize that you were more than generous. But now you aren't in that situation. So don't feel obligated. You cna't give what you don't have or need for your family.
While your extended family hasn't been thankful, a good reason to not continue to be giving to them in my mind, I'd just say for you to continue to be thankful for what God has given you. Thus not following the example of the others. Then you will have your reward with God.
So I pray God will look out for you. There are a lot of people in our place these days.

Blessings
dayhiker

 

[Armistead]

He is a lot like my Dad..who suffered manic depression, alcoholic, ect. It's strange he looks like my Dad an I look like my Mom. No doubt all of us kids grew up in dysfunction. Out of the three, I was the only one that never did drugs, drink, ect. I was a book worm and will always say books saved me, because they gave me knowledge.

I think he had issues, but when he made money, he got by. He was a truck driver, but made about 100K a year. He lost his job. He always lived over his budget, always buying anything he wanted. He then refused to work in trucks. By then I had started my business, but he had no skills. I worked him, but he stayed in trouble..trying to act like a big boss. I tried working him three times, until he finally got me kicked off a nice job and I had to end it.

Long story, but the short version and you can figure out the rest. He has been in mental hospitals three times...State. They put him on drugs that make him act insane, yet he stays so hyper he feels like he can move. But he abuses them...adderal, xanax, many meds, once on 8 different types.
I want to have him commited, but he has no insurance and ends up in State places that make him much worse.

It's like he had decided not to function, just drives his ex crazy to come back, will not bathe, ect. Just says he can't even get out of bed.

I'll be OK. Just hard. When I started my business, I did so well. I made good money just starting out, about 200K a year. We have a dog business and I'll get through this myself, just can't take care of others. My only problem is my disease...just don't know. It's getting bad. It's hard to explain to others that I can't function. It's considered the most painful disease known to man. I take methadone, vicoden, have a morphine pump, and others and still feel like I'm on fire, I just beat it with my mind. I think people see me working and not complaining, but if not for my son, I would rather die than keep living like this

Obvious, having your best customer go bankrupt will put me at the edge of staying in business. I have a lien with 20 others, but in the end may get 20 cent on the dollar. It's like being robbed. Had to let go of several. It's going to get tough, just have to make people understand I have my limits.
I have one goal I pray God will see me through...raise my son to adulthood.

I try not and complain...so forgive me...just having a spell. I feel so guilty when I can't help others like I once could. If I keep doing it, I will lose everything myself.

 

[HuntingMan]

I've always tried to be a giving person. I worked for the same company for 23 years. I was stricken with a nerve disease..RSD and finally lost my job.
I opened my own business. It was so hard. The problem is mostly pain, but the more I move..the worse it gets..dizziness, ect. Have been told to go on disability several times. However, business was good. I could control my pace. In 23 years you meet a lot of customers..and my ex boss once said he should have just paid me, considering all the customers I took..

Two years I did great. I have family members that have gone through hard economic times. My brother lost everything, including his wife. My Mother is old and ill. There are others. I have given so much money away. It seems once you start, it becomes expected. Due to my brothers mental state..he almost went insane of losing everything, I almost felt I had to take care of him or he would die.

Seems everyone thought I was rich...not, and I became a money pit to them. I should have been saving more, considering I am ill. I finally cut my brother off. He would take no action at all. He attempted suicide, spent time in a mental ward, ect. Mostly it's games to get help, but he is emotionally ill. I took care of him for two years. Now he is homeless. Still, he could work, if he could get past his mental illness. I think it's more emotional because he was fine before he last it all. Still, I give away more than I made to other members. My niece is pregnant with cancer...heartbreaker and husband laid off.

I had a customer go bankrupt, still owed me over 100K. Probably will put me out of business. So I am doing all I can to stay afloat. My illness is much worse and I have to work twice as hard and my Neuro says it will just bring me down even faster.

I have tried to explain to my family I am not a money pit. I just made good money for awhile. The economy has all but killed the construction industry. I have to take care of my family. Christmas, some wouldn't speak to me. I just don't have it anymore.

If I don't move my brother in he will probably die, but I must also take care of an elderly mother, that we planned to move in. He also lived off her and wiped her savings out.

Three family members have lost all. Some poor decisions, others just things happen.

The main issue is my brother. He is impossible to get help for, but will probably die. I can't move him in, I have kids and he is mentally impossible to live with. He will not or mentally can't get help.

Is there a time you can turn your back on your family and not feel guilty.
The ones I refer to have never considered my issues or disease.

There comes times in life where you have to do what you have to do.
I lived away from home for 4 years so I was able to ignore the problems in my own family but now that we're back I remember why I had to withdraw from my siblings and other members of my family in order to protect my children and my wife then from the destruction that would have happened because of my family, especially my brother.

My view is that you cannot put your children and wife in danger of any sort because of other family members. Sometimes it just happens that way. It would be great if it wasnt like this, but it just is and we have to put our responsibilities to our wife and children first as they are ours because of our covenant of marriage. We cant just ignore that to help family members that arent going to help themselves.

 

[one11]

He is a lot like my Dad..who suffered manic depression, alcoholic, ect. It's strange he looks like my Dad an I look like my Mom. No doubt all of us kids grew up in dysfunction. Out of the three, I was the only one that never did drugs, drink, ect. I was a book worm and will always say books saved me, because they gave me knowledge.

I think he had issues, but when he made money, he got by. He was a truck driver, but made about 100K a year. He lost his job. He always lived over his budget, always buying anything he wanted. He then refused to work in trucks. By then I had started my business, but he had no skills. I worked him, but he stayed in trouble..trying to act like a big boss. I tried working him three times, until he finally got me kicked off a nice job and I had to end it.

Long story, but the short version and you can figure out the rest. He has been in mental hospitals three times...State. They put him on drugs that make him act insane, yet he stays so hyper he feels like he can move. But he abuses them...adderal, xanax, many meds, once on 8 different types.
I want to have him commited, but he has no insurance and ends up in State places that make him much worse.

It's like he had decided not to function, just drives his ex crazy to come back, will not bathe, ect. Just says he can't even get out of bed.

I'll be OK. Just hard. When I started my business, I did so well. I made good money just starting out, about 200K a year. We have a dog business and I'll get through this myself, just can't take care of others. My only problem is my disease...just don't know. It's getting bad. It's hard to explain to others that I can't function. It's considered the most painful disease known to man. I take methadone, vicoden, have a morphine pump, and others and still feel like I'm on fire, I just beat it with my mind. I think people see me working and not complaining, but if not for my son, I would rather die than keep living like this

Obvious, having your best customer go bankrupt will put me at the edge of staying in business. I have a lien with 20 others, but in the end may get 20 cent on the dollar. It's like being robbed. Had to let go of several. It's going to get tough, just have to make people understand I have my limits.
I have one goal I pray God will see me through...raise my son to adulthood.

I try not and complain...so forgive me...just having a spell. I feel so guilty when I can't help others like I once could. If I keep doing it, I will lose everything myself.

Okay, it sounds like your brother is eligible for disability, but this doesn't mean he isn't going to squander it away (his disabilities monies) on alcohol. So, you need to call AA or Alanon (not sure of the spelling) and ask their best opinions here as once your brother gets sober, he can go into a half way house. Medication used in conjunction with alcohol will make your brother act "crazier". Call and ask AA. Never use alcohol with medication. Also one should never be driving taking alcohol and Xanax at the same time. Your brother could be driving in a black out for goodness sakes! That's scary! So call pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You can't have your brother committed unless you have power of attorney and become care taker of his needs.

Also, do you have power of attorney of your Mom and does she have a willing will? Meaning does she want to die a natural death when her times comes or be resuscitated and have other heroic measures? If your mother doesn't have a living will and if you don't have power of attorney, the doctor's will have the power to treat your Mom in whatever ways they chose, unless you have power of attorney and your Mom has a living will. If your Mom is going to live with you, you should have power of attorney and you can also receive money for helping to support your Mom because it is cheaper to give out $750 a month to care for an elderly person whereas one day in a state run nursing home could cost the state up to $800 a day. So there IS money available to you whenever you take an elderly parent into your home to be their caretaker on top of their social security. So calling can't hurt you. People are available to help you including social security.

As far as your brother, I think you'd have to fight for power of attorney. So don't even think of that right now. Get your Mom situated as I outlined above first and call AA.

Also, if your brother was a vet, you should call the Veterans Association.

Once you get some of legal things done that you can, you can better address your pain and you'll have less stress.

Do you have a wife? And if not, can your son help you in doing some calling? Your son should care for his grandmother and uncle too and help his Dad depending on his age. How old is your son?

I'm sorry for your pain and situation. I'll pray for you.

 

[Armistead]

Okay, it sounds like your brother is eligible for disability, but this doesn't mean he isn't going to squander it away (his disabilities monies) on alcohol. So, you need to call AA or Alanon (not sure of the spelling) and ask their best opinions here.

You can't have your brother committed unless you have power of attorney and become care taker of his needs.

Also, do you have power of attorney of your Mom and does she have a willing will? Meaning does she want to die a natural death when her times comes or be resuscitated and have other heroic measures? If your mother doesn't have a living will and if you don't have power of attorney, the doctor's will have the power to treat your Mom in whatever ways they chose, unless you have power of attorney and your Mom has a living will. If your Mom is going to live with you, you should have power of attorney and you can also receive money for helping to support your Mom because it is cheaper to give out $750 a month to care for an elderly person whereas one day in a state run nursing home could cost the state up to $800 a day. So there IS money available to you whenever you take an elderly parent into your home to be their caretaker on top of their social security. So calling can't hurt you. People are available to help you including social security.

As far as your brother, I think you'd have to fight for power of attorney. So don't even think of that right now. Get your Mom situated as I outlined above first and call AA.

Also, if your brother was a vet, you should call the Veterans Association.

Once you get some of legal things done that you can, you can better address your pain and you'll have less stress.

Do you have a wife? And if not, can your son help you in doing some calling? Your son should care for his grandmother and uncle too and help his Dad depending on his age. How old is your son?

I'm sorry for your pain and situation. I'll pray for you.

Thank you for your prayers and good advice.

Brother not a vet. I think he should file for disability, even though it would take years to get it these days...he has no disability plan, it would have to be SS. THe problem with him is that he is stubborn. If he can't get things his way, he just plays the game....suicide, pity me, ect..I've found him jobs, ect. I'm not sure at what point, but I think he has crossed a line and cannot determine fantasy from reality. I don't he is mentally ill, addicted yes. I just think he is emotionally disconnected from reality.

He can't get over his wife leaving him. Still, she gave him many chances.
Go to work, get off all the presciption meds, bathe, ect. He tried to start a yard business, but wants to look like a big shot. He almost acts like he's ten years old., will form plans, but not work. He has no education and falls for any scheme that someone plays on him. He never made a dime, but claims he tried so hard. He just doesn't have the experience or people skills.

He doesn't do street drugs, but will abuse prescription drugs. I learned to hide my meds when he comes over, because he would steal them. When asked about it...just says he can't help it. One Doctor said no one should put him on anything addictive, yet all the nut Doctors load him up. So we fear sending him anywhere. We've learned these Doctors just treat people like numbers, no caring, just meds and out of there.

Yes, I'm married. My wife is disabled and has been for seven years. She was in a auto accident, several back operations. It's hard to get SS. She has disability from her former employer, not much, but it helps. How she got turned down at her hearing is beyond me. Her Doctor states that he would never put her to work. She went to her hearing with a legal rep from her employer. She was 24, never asked a question or questioned the judge. The judge asked my wife a few questions and it was over. We can't get another attorney to handle it, unless we start over and she would lose all her back pay. We have to be careful that she doesn't lose her disability, but I'm getting to where I can't drive due to dizziness, so she drives me. She is even considering going back to work, but I'm not sure she is able.

I do have power of attorney over my Mom and all the legal stuff taken care of. No herioc measures with Mom, unless there is a good chance.
She just has serious heart problems. She also had a hard fight with cancer, but so far has pulled through it after 5 years.

My son is 11, love of my life.

We had planned to move my Mom in with us this spring. She is 70, still works part time, but her health is failing fast. Since she spent all her savings on him, she is now broke, so I will have to take care of her. I just worry about working. My house is almost paid for and don't want to lose it. Would like to get it paid for before I go on disability. Problem is my brother is with her..so if I take her, he would expect to come. I told my Mom I can't, so I guess her plans are to stay put and keep working to take care of him. I almost get angry at her, but she is convinced he will die if he becomes homeless.


My family has to come first. Hard as it is, I think it's time to let him hit bottom, get up or die. Sounds cruel, but I don't know what else to do.

 

[one11]

Thank you for your prayers and good advice.

Brother not a vet. I think he should file for disability, even though it would take years to get it these days...he has no disability plan, it would have to be SS. THe problem with him is that he is stubborn. If he can't get things his way, he just plays the game....suicide, pity me, ect..I've found him jobs, ect. I'm not sure at what point, but I think he has crossed a line and cannot determine fantasy from reality. I don't he is mentally ill, addicted yes. I just think he is emotionally disconnected from reality.

He can't get over his wife leaving him. Still, she gave him many chances.
Go to work, get off all the presciption meds, bathe, ect. He tried to start a yard business, but wants to look like a big shot. He almost acts like he's ten years old., will form plans, but not work. He has no education and falls for any scheme that someone plays on him. He never made a dime, but claims he tried so hard. He just doesn't have the experience or people skills.

He doesn't do street drugs, but will abuse prescription drugs. I learned to hide my meds when he comes over, because he would steal them. When asked about it...just says he can't help it. One Doctor said no one should put him on anything addictive, yet all the nut Doctors load him up. So we fear sending him anywhere. We've learned these Doctors just treat people like numbers, no caring, just meds and out of there.

Yes, I'm married. My wife is disabled and has been for seven years. She was in a auto accident, several back operations. It's hard to get SS. She has disability from her former employer, not much, but it helps. How she got turned down at her hearing is beyond me. Her Doctor states that he would never put her to work. She went to her hearing with a legal rep from her employer. She was 24, never asked a question or questioned the judge. The judge asked my wife a few questions and it was over. We can't get another attorney to handle it, unless we start over and she would lose all her back pay. We have to be careful that she doesn't lose her disability, but I'm getting to where I can't drive due to dizziness, so she drives me. She is even considering going back to work, but I'm not sure she is able.

I do have power of attorney over my Mom and all the legal stuff taken care of. No herioc measures with Mom, unless there is a good chance.
She just has serious heart problems. She also had a hard fight with cancer, but so far has pulled through it after 5 years.

My son is 11, love of my life.

We had planned to move my Mom in with us this spring. She is 70, still works part time, but her health is failing fast. Since she spent all her savings on him, she is now broke, so I will have to take care of her. I just worry about working. My house is almost paid for and don't want to lose it. Would like to get it paid for before I go on disability. Problem is my brother is with her..so if I take her, he would expect to come. I told my Mom I can't, so I guess her plans are to stay put and keep working to take care of him. I almost get angry at her, but she is convinced he will die if he becomes homeless.


My family has to come first. Hard as it is, I think it's time to let him hit bottom, get up or die. Sounds cruel, but I don't know what else to do.

Okay, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE CALL Social Security. You can receive money if you take your Mom in on top of her social security. Your wife could also become her legal care taker and receive an income, albeit a small income, but it could help and help pay for gas to go to doctor visits, pick up prescriptions and all the other things your Mom needs.

As far as your wife being turned down, you now need a hearing, so you need to call a Social Security attorney.

Yes, I know Social Security can take awhile, up to about a year and half, but if you win, you will be eligible for all that back pay. IOW, you or your wife or your brother would be eligible for each month you didn't get paid from the date you filed. So say you file tomorrow and then win a year from now, you will receive a huge sum including all the back months while this was being decided. Do you understand that? That the day you file until the day you win you will receive every month of disability compensation? People have paid into Social Security out of their taxes, so you and others are entitled to this help when needed because it has been paid by you because SS is a type of disability insurance.

I feel some things are wrong here and you have been misinformed. You need to call a better SS attorney and say "what's up?"..... because I know you are entitled to money to take of your Mom period. No if's about it. But she has to live with you.

Now you say your Mom won't move in with you because she fears your brother will be homeless. Well, if that's your Mom's decision, there isn't much you can do about it. Frankly, your brother has been enabled by your family far too long and there isn't much more I can afford you in the way of help. But I would tell you to offer him NO JOBS whatsoever unless he becomes clean and sober period. Otherwise you are enabling him to put other people's lives in danger.

Time to cut the ties unfortunately, but you can still call Alanon for how to deal with the stress of an enabling dysfunctional family and how to feel better about yourself.

 

[firstborn888]

Armistead,
Wow, you sound a bit like me at 45. My daughter was 11 and was the primary factor in preventing me from committing suicide because of my serious illness. Really, the only thing which gave me the strength to continue was realizing the pain my death would cause her and the fact that she would be damaged for life.
I have no way to judge your pain or what you are able to bear but I do know you have to come to a place where you realize it's not your responsibility to sustain anyone's life - not even your family's or your own. That is God's domain/ability. It is a very humbling place to come to - especially after doing well (I never missed or was late on a payment for over 20 years).
Let it go bro. It's not on you. I have had to cut off a close friend because of their lack of ability to do anything but suck the life out of me and mine - NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY. God knows I love them and would do anything to help but will not do everything for them when it doesn't really help at all. If he dies he dies.
For clarification, my issue was/is brain damage/breathing. I slowly suffocated for years and it sometimes kept me awake for days at a time. I lost the ability to work and though mentally sound I basically went insane from sleep deprivation (after 4 days you start dreaming while you're awake!). After being so mentally stable and healthy for so long it seemed impossible that this was happening to me.
Finally I was trached and vented and for the last 7 years I have gotten relief. Without that technology I have no idea what the result would have been. I have applied for disability but never followed through as I am able to work enough in my recording studio to squeak by.
So, again my brother - don't try to carry what you cannot carry and were not built to carry. I know God knows your limits and am confident something good will come out of all this. I'm praying for you bro.
love,
- Byron

 

[Armistead]

Okay, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE CALL Social Security. You can receive money if you take your Mom in on top of her social security. Your wife could also become her legal care taker and receive an income, albeit a small income, but it could help and help pay for gas to go to doctor visits, pick up prescriptions and all the other things your Mom needs.

As far as your wife being turned down, you now need a hearing, so you need to call a Social Security attorney.

Yes, I know Social Security can take awhile, up to about a year and half, but if you win, you will be eligible for all that back pay. IOW, you or your wife or your brother would be eligible for each month you didn't get paid from the date you filed. So say you file tomorrow and then win a year from now, you will receive a huge sum including all the back months while this was being decided. Do you understand that? That the day you file until the day you win you will receive every month of disability compensation? People have paid into Social Security out of their taxes, so you and others are entitled to this help when needed because it has been paid by you because SS is a type of disability insurance.

I feel some things are wrong here and you have been misinformed. You need to call a better SS attorney and say "what's up?"..... because I know you are entitled to money to take of your Mom period. No if's about it. But she has to live with you.

Now you say your Mom won't move in with you because she fears your brother will be homeless. Well, if that's your Mom's decision, there isn't much you can do about it. Frankly, your brother has been enabled by your family far too long and there isn't much more I can afford you in the way of help. But I would tell you to offer him NO JOBS whatsoever unless he becomes clean and sober period. Otherwise you are enabling him to put other people's lives in danger.

Time to cut the ties unfortunately, but you can still call Alanon for how to deal with the stress of an enabling dysfunctional family and how to feel better about yourself.

We have called several SS lawyers, ect..with my wife. The only way another one would take it is for her to start over. With new laws on disability, they can only take a small percent on any amount. Right now, it's considered being in the legal hands of her employer and we would have to cancel that and start over. It's such a large, long and difficult case, seems no attorney wants it for the little amount they can get. We start over with a new one, would still take years, so we figure we'll wait however much longer on the federal hearing. She is owed 7 years back pay, we don't want to start over and give it up, but nor do we want to back and be represented by her Employers legal dept. It's a large bank and they obvious have hired a group to deal with these matters, they just do it poorly.

The good/bad trade off is our family still is provided medical coverage by her employer, as she is still an employee.

Mom does have long term care, a nice policy. I think what my brother is hoping in some way he can move in with her, he says he is taking care of her and they live off that money.

We live in NC...one area with no judges. Some cases have been moved to Va. Unless it's critical, it takes years to get a hearing. You always get turned down the first time. We were shocked she got turned down in her hearing. Her Doctor was shocked as his notes were clear., NC's backlog of cases in one of the largest in the nation.

 

[MamaZ]

You are not responsible for your brother and his upkeep. We just went through this ourselves..Your brother may have mental issues and the drinking will add to this. The guilt you feel is not from God. Sometimes the best thing we can do for those who do not want to stand and be the person God created them to be due to drink and drugs is to let go.. God is big enough to take care of your brother if you put him in His care through prayer. You can seek mental help for him through many agencies. But you cannot allow this into your home for you first priority is to God first, Wife second,Children third,. If a robber was to come and knock at your door and ask you to let him in so he could rob you of your money, saftey,peace, and ministry unto the Lord would you open the door and let him in and say sure? I really don't believe you would. So therefore do not feel guilty for putting your family first. Prayer and many phone calls is still loving your brother.. Allowing him into your home is taking away from the ministry God has given to you and that be your family.

 

[Armistead]

Armistead,
Wow, you sound a bit like me at 45. My daughter was 11 and was the primary factor in preventing me from committing suicide because of my serious illness. Really, the only thing which gave me the strength to continue was realizing the pain my death would cause her and the fact that she would be damaged for life.
I have no way to judge your pain or what you are able to bear but I do know you have to come to a place where you realize it's not your responsibility to sustain anyone's life - not even your family's or your own. That is God's domain/ability. It is a very humbling place to come to - especially after doing well (I never missed or was late on a payment for over 20 years).
Let it go bro. It's not on you. I have had to cut off a close friend because of their lack of ability to do anything but suck the life out of me and mine - NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY. God knows I love them and would do anything to help but will not do everything for them when it doesn't really help at all. If he dies he dies.
For clarification, my issue was/is brain damage/breathing. I slowly suffocated for years and it sometimes kept me awake for days at a time. I lost the ability to work and though mentally sound I basically went insane from sleep deprivation (after 4 days you start dreaming while you're awake!). After being so mentally stable and healthy for so long it seemed impossible that this was happening to me.
Finally I was trached and vented and for the last 7 years I have gotten relief. Without that technology I have no idea what the result would have been. I have applied for disability but never followed through as I am able to work enough in my recording studio to squeak by.
So, again my brother - don't try to carry what you cannot carry and were not built to carry. I know God knows your limits and am confident something good will come out of all this. I'm praying for you bro.
love,
- Byron

As stupid as it sounds, I try to make pain my friend or simply use it to understand what others feel. I'm in many support groups. This disease has another name.."Suicide disease" is what it is commonly referred to. There is a pain scale that goes from 1-50 used by Doctors. RSD tops the list at 50, with cancer death pain at about 39. I've known many that have taken their lives. In our forums, almost once a month someone will post a letter they can't take it anymore and we never hear from them again. Some try to talk them out, but most just send prayers. It's sort of like an understanding. We place no guilt on those that need to go. That's why I hate the "Can a Christian commit suicide" we often see here. The ones that do go almost always have faith in God. It's all they have. So much, they are willing to let go and pray for a better place and time.

I went through a time of wanting to end it. Many times. How could I do that to my son. You want to run to Doctor's for help, but after years of Doctors, medical hospitals, once they med you up as much as possible, nothing else they can really do. My last appt. I almost begged my Neuro for help, it just doesn't matter..another 5 minute appt for meds. So, I just have trained my mind to beat it. I really don't know how bad my pain is compared to others, I know mine is not nearly as bad as some. I just want to control my pain so I can work and my autonomic nerves are going haywire...just seems that not much they can do. If I stay still and just barely move, I do much better, just can't live like that.

Why I am strong, I am to the point I can only be strong enough for me now. My wife is great, but I know she gets frustrated with me. Other people care for awhile, but after a few years, they get numb to you. I think it's like self-protection. They can't fix you and can only hurt so much over it, so they have to let go. My wife handles me great. She knows to leave me alone when I have a moment..sometimes I just have to go somewhere and let it out.

Prayer is the key for me. When I get to the end of what I think I can stand, I often hide for a day and just meditate. I can get to a point I
can almost feel no pain. I use these skills daily when things get bad.
Sometimes I have weeks where the pain is very manageable. What's funny is Doctors will tell you...You have a terrible painful disease that will cause you much dysfunction, but don't stress about it, because stress will make it worse...Doesn't matter what stress, good or bad...you have to live on an even keel. Even moments of extreme joy, anything that stimulates the nerves can reel you into a relapse of pain, so you have to be careful even about being to happy or excited. People call me the "Ice man" I thought it was over my skin always being ice cold, but it's because I come across
cold...I just don't show my emotions.

 

[firstborn888]

In our forums, almost once a month someone will post a letter they can't take it anymore and we never hear from them again. Some try to talk them out, but most just send prayers. It's sort of like an understanding. We place no guilt on those that need to go. That's why I hate the "Can a Christian commit suicide" we often see here. The ones that do go almost always have faith in God. It's all they have. So much, they are willing to let go and pray for a better place and time.

I hate those suicide threads too. It's seems that some have no clue how bad it can get.

I went through a time of wanting to end it. Many times. How could I do that to my son. You want to run to Doctor's for help, but after years of Doctors, medical hospitals, once they med you up as much as possible, nothing else they can really do. My last appt. I almost begged my Neuro for help, it just doesn't matter..another 5 minute appt for meds.

I was amazed at how cold some doctors are. One finally came along and took over my case when he realized I hadn't always been a whimpering suicidal basket case.

So, I just have trained my mind to beat it. I really don't know how bad my pain is compared to others, I know mine is not nearly as bad as some. I just want to control my pain so I can work and my autonomic nerves are going haywire...just seems that not much they can do. If I stay still and just barely move, I do much better, just can't live like that.

I know the feeling when things get so simple. With me - all I need is some sleep and I have no complaints. About anything. Many folks get uptight about stuff all day long.

Why I am strong, I am to the point I can only be strong enough for me now. My wife is great, but I know she gets frustrated with me. Other people care for awhile, but after a few years, they get numb to you. I think it's like self-protection. They can't fix you and can only hurt so much over it, so they have to let go. My wife handles me great. She knows to leave me alone when I have a moment..sometimes I just have to go somewhere and let it out.

I remember when it finally sank in that no human could rescue me. Not the docs, not my wife, not my pastor, not my best friend. It just comes down to an individual and their creator.

Prayer is the key for me. When I get to the end of what I think I can stand, I often hide for a day and just meditate. I can get to a point I
can almost feel no pain. I use these skills daily when things get bad.
Sometimes I have weeks where the pain is very manageable. What's funny is Doctors will tell you...You have a terrible painful disease that will cause you much dysfunction, but don't stress about it, because stress will make it worse...Doesn't matter what stress, good or bad...you have to live on an even keel. Even moments of extreme joy, anything that stimulates the nerves can reel you into a relapse of pain, so you have to be careful even about being to happy or excited. People call me the "Ice man" I thought it was over my skin always being ice cold, but it's because I come across
cold...I just don't show my emotions.

Wow. Talk about 'moderation in all things'. That's an amazing way to live. I'm curious where the research is at concerning the disease. Any medical breaktroughs in sight?
- Byron

 

[Armistead]

I hate those suicide threads too. It's seems that some have no clue how bad it can get.


I was amazed at how cold some doctors are. One finally came along and took over my case when he realized I hadn't always been a whimpering suicidal basket case.



I know the feeling when things get so simple. With me - all I need is some sleep and I have no complaints. About anything. Many folks get uptight about stuff all day long.



I remember when it finally sank in that no human could rescue me. Not the docs, not my wife, not my pastor, not my best friend. It just comes down to an individual and their creator.



Wow. Talk about 'moderation in all things'. That's an amazing way to live. I'm curious where the research is at concerning the disease. Any medical breaktroughs in sight?
- Byron

No real research. The key to it is to catch it early. "RSD/CRPS appears to involve the complex interaction of the sensory, motor, and autonomic nervous systems, and the immune system. It is thought that brain and spinal cord (central nervous system) control over these various processes is somehow changed as a result of an injury."

Mine started after elbow surgery. I was misdiagnosed several times. Finally they told me I had in my legs neuropathy, but couldn't figure out the cause of it.

For years I would go to Doctors with symptoms and finally told it was in my head. That's the hard part when they label you a nut. The next Doctor reads the previous ones records and jumps on it and does the same, then so on. So you feel helpless. Like me, I knew I wasn't a nut, so I went through about 50 Doctors until I finally got help. By then it was too late to treat it in early stages. Don't you just love it when they read your records and ask "do you feel stressed?"


My elbow hurt so bad, swelled, ect. You could blow on it and I would almost pass out from the pain. Somehow, and no one had made it make sense to me is it has affected my autonomic nerves, skin temperature, ect. My elbow is seldom a problem anymore. Maybe once a year if I over do it or hurt something else, it will flare. It's just the brain mimmicks and sends pain signals to other parts of your body, instead of the part that got hurt.

Moderation in all things....that's the key...do have a few areas I fail in

 

[No Swansong]

Armistead;
While I am disabled and I do receive SS Disability I am not an expert on the issue; and while I have degrees in the behavioral sciences I am not competent nor trained to diagnose your brother.

As a Christian all I can really offer you is my prayers and those I can assure you, you have.

John

 

[Armistead]

Armistead;
While I am disabled and I do receive SS Disability I am not an expert on the issue; and while I have degrees in the behavioral sciences I am not competent nor trained to diagnose your brother.

As a Christian all I can really offer you is my prayers and those I can assure you, you have.

John

SS had become so complex now. I do have long term disability if needed, just would have to make many life changes...but that may me.

I don't know how you make a mother give up on a child. She really has enabled him for years. I think there was a time he could have taken action, but just took from her and counted on her to pay his bills. It just turned into one big snowball that led him into learned helplessness.

Wanting to save her from him, I stepped in. I had money then. I would give money to help Mom, but she would just give money to him, so I stopped helping her. She has a beautiful little house and he has moved in and turned her life upside down, but she can't or won't kick him out to the street. So I just tell her to hang on and I will sell her house for her and she can move in with me.

It's really hard to help someone that now mentally can't help themselves.
He's back in a state of denial. Says he is OK and not going to the hospital I found him, so he just sits and watches TV all day loaded up on prescription meds. I sit a letter to his Doctor wanting to meet with her. She is a State Doctor and just really doesn't care. We just have to find him some decent help so pray that we do.

 

[No Swansong]

SS had become so complex now. I do have long term disability if needed, just would have to make many life changes...but that may me.

I don't know how you make a mother give up on a child. She really has enabled him for years. I think there was a time he could have taken action, but just took from her and counted on her to pay his bills. It just turned into one big snowball that led him into learned helplessness.

Wanting to save her from him, I stepped in. I had money then. I would give money to help Mom, but she would just give money to him, so I stopped helping her. She has a beautiful little house and he has moved in and turned her life upside down, but she can't or won't kick him out to the street. So I just tell her to hang on and I will sell her house for her and she can move in with me.

It's really hard to help someone that now mentally can't help themselves.
He's back in a state of denial. Says he is OK and not going to the hospital I found him, so he just sits and watches TV all day loaded up on prescription meds. I sit a letter to his Doctor wanting to meet with her. She is a State Doctor and just really doesn't care. We just have to find him some decent help so pray that we do.

Praying now and will continue to.

 

[Nadiine]

I've always tried to be a giving person. I worked for the same company for 23 years. I was stricken with a nerve disease..RSD and finally lost my job.
I opened my own business. It was so hard. The problem is mostly pain, but the more I move..the worse it gets..dizziness, ect. Have been told to go on disability several times. However, business was good. I could control my pace. In 23 years you meet a lot of customers..and my ex boss once said he should have just paid me, considering all the customers I took..

Two years I did great. I have family members that have gone through hard economic times. My brother lost everything, including his wife. My Mother is old and ill. There are others. I have given so much money away. It seems once you start, it becomes expected. Due to my brothers mental state..he almost went insane of losing everything, I almost felt I had to take care of him or he would die.

Seems everyone thought I was rich...not, and I became a money pit to them. I should have been saving more, considering I am ill. I finally cut my brother off. He would take no action at all. He attempted suicide, spent time in a mental ward, ect. Mostly it's games to get help, but he is emotionally ill. I took care of him for two years. Now he is homeless. Still, he could work, if he could get past his mental illness. I think it's more emotional because he was fine before he last it all. Still, I give away more than I made to other members. My niece is pregnant with cancer...heartbreaker and husband laid off.

I had a customer go bankrupt, still owed me over 100K. Probably will put me out of business. So I am doing all I can to stay afloat. My illness is much worse and I have to work twice as hard and my Neuro says it will just bring me down even faster.

I have tried to explain to my family I am not a money pit. I just made good money for awhile. The economy has all but killed the construction industry. I have to take care of my family. Christmas, some wouldn't speak to me. I just don't have it anymore.

If I don't move my brother in he will probably die, but I must also take care of an elderly mother, that we planned to move in. He also lived off her and wiped her savings out.

Three family members have lost all. Some poor decisions, others just things happen.

The main issue is my brother. He is impossible to get help for, but will probably die. I can't move him in, I have kids and he is mentally impossible to live with. He will not or mentally can't get help.

Is there a time you can turn your back on your family and not feel guilty.
The ones I refer to have never considered my issues or disease.

wow, that's a plate full.

Is there NOBODY ELSE BUT YOU in your family to help take care of him?

If so, then it's also their responsiblity.

As far as money expected from someone who they think has it to
pass around to everyone; it sounds typical.
My husband's business partner was MEGA rich - we're talking several
huge homes in the USA & Mexico, etc. etc.

He signed a bad contract in his ignorance & eventually has had to sell
nearly all his belongings, several cars all got repo'd, properties had to be sold (in this crappy market; so he lost his shirt on them) just to pay
legal fees of the people trying to rip him off from that contract
discrepancy.

He had family members he took care of & handed out money to continually -
yep they expected it & are angry when it's gone.
I don't get that! Entitlement is a dangerous and wrong mentality. (one reason I'll never be a democrat)

Anyhoo, if you cannot take care of someone, you cannot take care of them. Your own family & self come first.
& YOU HAVE already helped him repeatedly.

Someone else is going to have get him the help he needs.
Sure it mite sound harsh, but good grief, God has seen fit to
allow your finances to shrink as they have - & you can only do
what you can do.

You might write a formal letter to the relatives who refuse to talk
to you & explain your situation & let that be all you can do to
try to keep peace.
You cannot help people's greedy natures; it's something they have
to change.
Instead of being thankful for what you DID give them, they expect
you owe them all you have.

(irks me).
sorry to hear all this.

 

[Nadiine]

You are not responsible for your brother and his upkeep. We just went through this ourselves..Your brother may have mental issues and the drinking will add to this. The guilt you feel is not from God. Sometimes the best thing we can do for those who do not want to stand and be the person God created them to be due to drink and drugs is to let go.. God is big enough to take care of your brother if you put him in His care through prayer. You can seek mental help for him through many agencies. But you cannot allow this into your home for you first priority is to God first, Wife second,Children third,. If a robber was to come and knock at your door and ask you to let him in so he could rob you of your money, saftey,peace, and ministry unto the Lord would you open the door and let him in and say sure? I really don't believe you would. So therefore do not feel guilty for putting your family first. Prayer and many phone calls is still loving your brother.. Allowing him into your home is taking away from the ministry God has given to you and that be your family.

 

[Texas Lynn]

Is there a time you can turn your back on your family and not feel guilty.

Probably not, if you are not hard-hearted. But sometimes you need to. Moving an extended family member in who would negatively affect the family members already there might be a mistake.

We have a rule as a couple: no one borrows money (other than like lunch money and so forth) without both members of the couple agreeing and the borrower signing a promissory note. The thing is, with payday loan companies, food banks, etc., it's not likely any of our relations who've made poor choices will starve. Now, if things change and our country becomes like Nazi Germany or The Soviet Union, then, helping others will have to become less of a discriminatory process. But if say my brother became like one of the Judenzpolizei (Jewish police who assisted the Nazis) and fellow patriots killed him I would be sad but I would not be upset with them. Of course I can say that knowing he never would. For others it's not so easy.