Advice, please?

[AGirlSaved]

Hello, all.

My boyfriend and I have been living together for a year now, but we recently accepted Christ in March.

That being said, we are struggling with sexual sin. I believe that because of his past, he feels as if it is his right to view me in a sexual manner and touch me in certain ways that are pleasing to him, etc. In previous months I'd been strong in saying no and resisting him, because the Lord was making me stronger in that department. Now, I'm afraid that I am getting comfortable with that sin again. I realize that it is wrong, and I want to turn completely away from it.

How should I approach my boyfriend about being completely abstinent from any physical petting? He seems to get offended when I don't want him to touch me at all in suggestive ways, even though we both know it is wrong. For financial reasons, it is not easy for us to move out right now. So I am not sure about how to correct this problem.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated, as well as if you could share ways that you & your boyfriends/girlfriends share romance without being physical.

 

[scruffy1986]

I think that if you are boyfriend and girlfriend living together and not married, one of you should move out. The bible says to flee from sexual sin. Still visit, hang out but just dont live in the same house.

 

[bumblebee62331]

Do you sleep in seperate bedrooms? If you are unable to move out, for whatever reason, you need to still realise that living together is presenting so much temptation, especially since this used to be okay in the past, for you guys. Moving into seperate bedrooms is an idea (if you currently share one).

You need to sit down with your boyfriend and talk about things he can and can't do, and he needs to talk about things you can and can't do, so you are both clear on your boundaries. There needs to be a spoken word about boundaries, otherwise it's not clear enough. You need to work out what is okay and what isn't.

You can express your love in other ways, like kissing or holding hands, or snuggling while watching a movie. You both just have to be committed to not crossing the line when it comes to touching etc. If you don't feel you won't be able to give in to temptation, I strongly suggest moving out (even moving back in with family, or friends?) until you can both figure out what you want to do. Seperate bedrooms would be a good step.

 

[scruffy1986]

Do you sleep in seperate bedrooms? If you are unable to move out, for whatever reason, you need to still realise that living together is presenting so much temptation, especially since this used to be okay in the past, for you guys. Moving into seperate bedrooms is an idea (if you currently share one).

You need to sit down with your boyfriend and talk about things he can and can't do, and he needs to talk about things you can and can't do, so you are both clear on your boundaries. There needs to be a spoken word about boundaries, otherwise it's not clear enough. You need to work out what is okay and what isn't.

You can express your love in other ways, like kissing or holding hands, or snuggling while watching a movie. You both just have to be committed to not crossing the line when it comes to touching etc. If you don't feel you won't be able to give in to temptation, I strongly suggest moving out (even moving back in with family, or friends?) until you can both figure out what you want to do. Seperate bedrooms would be a good step.

Good advice, I second that.. Living together, you are too much like a married couple without the official commitment.

 

[Hope_0004]

Totally agree with the other posts... I can imagine that after combining finances it is hard to think about living apart, but it is possible. What would you be doing if you had never gotten together in the first place? Where would you be? Certainly not out on the streets, I assume.

I have been dating my boyfriend for two years almost. It would certainly make "sense" from a financing standpoint for he and I to live in the same house... we spend almost all of our free time together and both have separate homes, phone bills, cable bills, utility bills, city bills... you name it. But it has never even been a question... we're not married, and so those are not "silly" expenses for us. Until we make that commitment, we don't "deserve" the financial break, if you get what I'm saying.

Sorry if I am being harsh - it has been drilled into my admittedly hard head that whatever mistakes you make, you do not live together until you are married. It's good for us - I honestly believe that if we didn't have moral character, my boyfriend and I are both types that might never get married and just "play house" indeterminately. But because we both know what's up, we're seriously considering marriage... and it has nothing to do with financial aspects, because we are both adults who have learned to handle our bills and our households separately.

If we choose to marry, the financial benefit will be just that... a benefit, a "perk", or the "icing" if you will. The cake will be the fact that we will be that we are married, in front of God and incidentally our family and friends as well. That's something I am looking forward to, and I don't think I'd feel the same way if we'd already set up house.

Of course he feels hurt when you shy away from him physically... having already had that level of intimacy, there's really no other response to expect. Even if you have talked about it, it is a psychological response that will take a long time to overcome. That's the price to pay...
Move out.

 

[shortaug]

From what you have said, and I hate to mention this, but I have to question the authenticity of his conversion. It sounds as if you truly have come to believe, but it also sounds as if he has just followed along for the ride so as not to cause waves in the relationship.

I am also going to say this, although it will get me yelled at. Christ died not just for your past sins, but those you commit today and those you commit tomorrow. Is that a license to go and sin? Definitely not, but think of it this way, you are told not to divorce and remarry, but when those who have converted have done so, they are still in a situation not unlike the one you are in now. It is a sad reality. It is also something you should strive your hardest to remedy, but understand that at the current time, might not be something you can remedy. See below:

Now why do I bring this up? Because I fear it truly is the case that your boyfriend has not converted, but also because guilt is an emotion that can shut you down and I don't want you feeling overly guilty for a situation that, short of extremely drastic measures, you have no control over and was in effect before your conversion. It is good that you have accepted the strength that God has given you to want to remedy this aspect of your life, but He is not giving it to you so that you can end or destroy a relationship with your BF.

Hope this perspective helps you.

 

[bumblebee62331]

From what you have said, and I hate to mention this, but I have to question the authenticity of his conversion. It sounds as if you truly have come to believe, but it also sounds as if he has just followed along for the ride so as not to cause waves in the relationship.

I am also going to say this, although it will get me yelled at. Christ died not just for your past sins, but those you commit today and those you commit tomorrow. Is that a license to go and sin? Definitely not, but think of it this way, you are told not to divorce and remarry, but when those who have converted have done so, they are still in a situation not unlike the one you are in now. It is a sad reality. It is also something you should strive your hardest to remedy, but understand that at the current time, might not be something you can remedy. See below:

Now why do I bring this up? Because I fear it truly is the case that your boyfriend has not converted, but also because guilt is an emotion that can shut you down and I don't want you feeling overly guilty for a situation that, short of extremely drastic measures, you have no control over and was in effect before your conversion. It is good that you have accepted the strength that God has given you to want to remedy this aspect of your life, but He is not giving it to you so that you can end or destroy a relationship with your BF.

Hope this perspective helps you.

This is good, thought-provoking post.
Maybe discussing with your boyfriend what he feels about abstaining etc is a good idea. Maybe he doesn't truly want to give it a go. And that won't work if he wants to do it and you don't. That's just too difficult - one of you will cave in and it will probably be you.

 

[sherri]

At the end of the day you're just going to figure out what is more important - obeying God or your boyfriend.

Tell him flat out that if he wants to sleep with you again he has to marry you. A wedding down at the local registrar/council office isn't very expensive. If he doesn't then it shows where his heart really is.

If he really does love you then he'll respect your boundries.

 

[dv81]

You have to have a serious talk with him about it, get all the questions out and make a decision together. The responsibilty to abstain is from both of you. Also, you're 19, why don't you live with you're parents?

 

[princessellie]

when you talk to him about this, dont just do it when he situation arises, as it can be too easy to give in or not really listen, it can be really hard on his part to see where you are comming from if he is in "the mood". make a set time when you are going to talk to him about it when nothing else is going on so you can talk it through properly ask any questions and make sure the situation is resolved