Advice please...

[christianguy77]

I'm a 17 year old lifelong Christian guy dating a 17 year old lifelong Christian girl.

We've been dating for just under four months and have worked very hard to keep Christ at the center of our relationship -- shown by the way we treat each other when we're alone (our boundaries are set at nothing past a very short kiss on the lips) and also shown by how we help each other along in our Christian walks.

We were doing wonderfully until last week (having only pushed the boundaries once with longer kissing), when we decided that we would try to see if 'making out' for short periods would work. (christian women reading this, I'm really not a jerk; I didn't insist on it or force her into it, it was completely both of our decisions, but I AM a jerk in that I didn't guard both of us and nix the decision). That was where we went wrong, upon reflection.

Saturday we kissed for 10 seconds or so each time we kissed. Didn't struggle with issues of arousal at all.

On Sunday, we really hit trouble.

She and I were in my room with the door open, sitting on my couch just hanging out listening to that Relient K christmas CD and talking about everything. Long story short, we began making out and cuddling a little *ahem* too closely. To put it clinically, it could be stated that we at that time participated in a dry-sex endeavor.

We realized we had to stop, so we stopped and immediately started to talk about what had just happened and decided to lose the idea of the new boundaries and return them to where they were.

Monday after school I called her and we discussed it more. We decided to

a) Completely stop kissing for a month
b) Ensure that an adult will randomly check on us while we're alone
c) Find a devo book or something to do together when we can't think of anything else to talk about (gives us something to do besides make out)

We're also recognizing that we're probably growing too close for a not-even-four-month relationship (we talk on the phone every day and text each other throughout the school day) so we're going to limit phone calls and texts, just give each other some space.

We're both freaking out still. I hate myself for allowing this to happen (each time I say that to her she says that it was both of us) and I can't forgive myself.

She feels dirty and that she lost part of her innocence that day.

We're both struggling with the concept of love -- she's wondering if our love is just 'laughter and lust'. I'm convinced that I love her, but this scares me that she's questioning that. We've grown so close together in the last four months, this is up to God of course but we both feel that we will be together for a fairly long time.

This is really complex and I'd really appreciate any advice. If you have questions about the situation just post 'em.

Thanks,
Andy

 

[Inperfected]

Questions, no.

You seem to be a great guy. What you did with her was wrong, you know that, she knows that, but you have turned it around, and that is awesome.

One piece of advice tho:
If you have gone to god for forgiveness, you are forgiven. Don't let guilt get into your relationship as it is just about certain that it will be spolit by it. Talk about how to get rid of the guilt and forgive each other and yourselves.

You've stopped it, and since you can't change the past, only the future. Well done, on changing the futire.

 

[Hope_0004]

I think it's great that you are trying to resolve something that made both of you feel uncomfortable, but let me say... BREATHE! It's wonderful to have some "lines" drawn, and some ways to stay on the "right" side of that line, but you shouldn't have to limit your phone calls or text messages, or force yourselves into certain activities so that you won't engage in others. You are putting your relationship under way too much scrutiny over an act which, while perhaps not well-thought-out or the best way to spend your time, didn't "ruin" the two of you or seriously jeopardize your relationship.

I think you've got yourselves under a microscope way too soon, and that could spell trouble. If you need some guidelines, great. But don't start putting up so many walls that you no longer let your relationship flow.

 

[ChildOfGod20]

i think you are doing a great job. my boyfriend and i have struggled with this as well. i think it is a good idea to have someone randomly check on you and i think only short kisses while you are alone is a good idea. but don't start making too many rules that you constantly have to worry about making sure they stay in place. no kissing for a month at all? if that's what you think is good for you that's fine. if my boyfriend and i did that then at the end of the month we'd probably be all over each other. it's ok that you messed up though. if you ask God for forgiveness and mean that you are sorry then you are forgiven. i understand being disappointed though. everytime this happens to us i am disappointed as well. we immediately make rules to make sure it doesn't happen again. just make sure u stick to the rules and try your best. and pray about it.

 

[LivingInHisLove]

What everyone has said here is great. I applaud your willingness to truly see God's desires, even when it is sooooooo difficult to. You and your girlfriend are fantastic. I would just reassure/remind her that she is forgiven if she asks God for forgiveness. I think your plan is good, and Hope's comment about breathing is good! Try not to worry so much, I know it's hard not to... but remember that God guides us!
Take care and God bless you!

 

[Leanna]

Good for you

Everyone experiences temptation, you should not feel bad, its all in how you react. You guys set new standards. I am impressed

 

[christianguy77]

Wow, I don't feel like I'm as good of a guy as you are all telling me I am . .

Today after school she and I met with a pastor to discuss things -- he reminded us of God's forgiveness and the fact that evil spirits can and will use guilt to tear us apart. We both left the room smiling.

This event has been a bit of a wake-up call as well -- we're pretty sure that we're becoming too emotionally and physically intimate for where we're at in our lives. Our relationship has been on a very fast track the last three/four months -- if we want any longevity we must slow it down and avoid falling into codependence and sexual sin.

We're going to be cutting back on the phone conversations and texts during the day and the level of physical affection we show each other. Holding hands isn't there yet, brief hugs are okay, and kissing is out of the question for three weeks now.

She's reevaluating her use of the word 'love' when used in the phrase "I love you." I have been saying it to her for about a month, and I mean it every time. I can expand on what I mean when I say "I love you" but that's another topic altogether. Anyway, she is not sure what she's meaning and implying when she says it, so she will not say it anymore.

I'm feeling more than a little rejected -- she has told me several times that she will not break up with me during this time, but words of affirmation, quality time and physical touch are very big for me and they've all just been pretty much shut down (albeit temporarily). It really physically hurts, things aren't as they were and my chest literally hurts.

This will probably be good for us, but I really value your insights on this situation -- you all have much more experience with this kind of thing than we do and I'm just hoping and praying that we're doing the right thing.

Argh.

I appreciate all your thoughts and prayers, guys.

In Christ,
Andy

 

[findinghope06]

i admire that you guys recognized the temptation that is present when you get too close. and i admire that you guys are working on bring less temptation. the only advice i can give you is to pray about it, alone and with your g/f and i will be praying for you too. God Bless you.

 

[-Kyriaki-]

i'm agreeing with you, OP - take whatever steps you feel you need to get your boundaries in place. i'm not sure that limiting text messages and phone calls is necessary, but if you feel it is more power to you for keeping to it

it's important to know where the lines are, and we learn from our mistakes good to hear that you realise your mistakes and are actively trying to work against them.

 

[winglovesall]

Hi there,

I think you need to separate yourself a bit - give each other space - but the lust will carry you away if you don't look at her internal beauty - if she doesn't look at who you are - there's a problem!

Communicate to her though - but with an understanding of who she is - sometimes, tell her what you feel -

It's not the kisses at the moment that show you how much she loves you - but rather, it's her actions that take you on

 

[AceHero]

Now, I've never been in a relationship, so you can ignore me at any time.

Monday after school I called her and we discussed it more. We decided to

a) Completely stop kissing for a month
b) Ensure that an adult will randomly check on us while we're alone
c) Find a devo book or something to do together when we can't think of anything else to talk about (gives us something to do besides make out)

I think having an adult check on you is one of the smartest things you can do. It can certainly help to eliminate any temptation there, at least for the time being.

She feels dirty and that she lost part of her innocence that day.

Yeah, you guys probably shouldn't have gone that far; it seems like you certainly overstepped personally set boundaries, but remind yourselves that temptation will lead to sin only if you give in, and be proud (and yet cautious) that you resisted and knew the right thing to do.

It probably wouldn't just be a bad idea to pray, but to pray together as a couple, and to reaffirm God as the center of your relationship.

As I've said, I've never been in a situation like yours having never been in a relationship, but I pray that when I do I can follow your example to keep a pure heart and mind with my significant other. Good luck.

 

[Leanna]

Focus on quality time that occurs outside of private places. Like go to the mall together(people watch if you don't want to shop), a book store, a restaurant, etc.

 

[christianguy77]

We're going to go Thursday night to look for a devo book and then we'll probably do a walk and talk (hehe, I like the West Wing..) in the mall for awhile.

Thanks for the words, guys.

Andy

 

[Hope_0004]

Andy,

Glad things are going okay. I know it must seem like she's pulling away, but apparently you two have decided for your own reasons that just exactly that is necessary. This is why I thought that perhaps you shouldn't be laying down so many "rules" for yourselves that don't particularly help with the physical temptation problem (of course the supervision, etc., sounds good). But if you want to talk to each other on the phone... I guess I just don't see a problem unless it's getting in the way of other things (i.e., time with family, studies, church, and whatever else is important to you besides your girlfriend). I just think that it could lead to one of you feeling hurt, as you described, for no particular reason.

Anyway, glad to hear that you seem to be feeling better.

 

[Amy47]

I'm feeling more than a little rejected -- she has told me several times that she will not break up with me during this time, but words of affirmation, quality time and physical touch are very big for me and they've all just been pretty much shut down (albeit temporarily). It really physically hurts, things aren't as they were and my chest literally hurts.

That is EXACTLY what I felt like when my bf and I set our "New" Boundaries. I wasn't sure if I was the only one who really missed the physical part. And our relationship felt a bit awkward because we were constantly thinking "Oh, I don't know if I should hug her/him, he/she might think it's going too far" That really got to me, I wasn't comfortable with the way our relationship felt. I still kind of struggle with this but I guess the only thing we can do now (besides pray) is save up money so we can get married ASAP.

 

[JesusWasn'tWhite]

I had a talk with my boyfriend a couple weeks ago, not because we had gone too far or anything like that, but because I wanted both of us to be very aware of where we are. We talk about the physicality of our relationship a lot. We love hugging and holding and kissing, and it's okay. Those things are not hindrances for us. We know the "line" is all kinds of sex. No sex. But we have "pre-line" lines. Like, things that we know aren't sex, but we know are too much for us, especially at this time in our relationship.
What we did to make sure we were aware of our "pre-line" lines was to talk about things as it comes along. We both are committed to each other to say "no" and stop when things become too much. We rely on ourselves, our rules, God's voice in our lives, and one of God's gifts to us -- our consciences!
While we love being close, and hugging and kissing, we are much more mindful to be developing and enhancing our *relationship* rather than just the physicality therein. I'm in this relationship for the long haul. We're in this for the possibility of marriage.

So, my advice is to work on developing your relationship, and value that more than the physicality. Yes, have rules, but don't freak yourselves out too much with the rules. Sometimes the rules make us stumble more than the possible sin itself.
While asking for an adult to check in is a good idea, especially since you're both 17, remember that if you both decide to go to college (be it a Christian college or not), there aren't adults to check up on you. *You have to be the adult. You won't have an adult to rely on.

While I've said all that, I think you're doing a good job.